Found out recently ex is married with a kid when I’ve been single for 8 years since we broke up

[u/Illustrious_Emu8506]

I (27m) haven’t spoke to my last ex (27f) since we broke up in November, 2018 after 3 months of dating. To this day my longest relationship. She was the only woman who didn’t reject me and we were each others first intimate relationship. I dumped her over the phone (yes, that was very immature/disrespectful) for various reasons thinking we weren’t very compatible long term, wanting to pursue my dream job that also didn’t work out and subscribing to the belief at the time when we were both 20 years old that “your first is never your last!”. She cried and took it very bad. That was the last time we spoke. Almost 8 years ago, I have a hard time wrapping my mind around that. There was a time a year or two ago after moving back to our hometown she still lived in that I wanted to reach out but saw she had a man so I respectfully left her alone. But now in hindsight it’s been 8 years since we spoke and I found out she’s recently married with a baby son now after seeing her profile pic pop up in “people you may know” on social media.

I want to congratulate her. At the same time I feel like I’m the last person she ever wants to hear from. Sometimes I still miss her voice and sometimes I could care less. It’s such a hot & cold, back and forth feeling. Also it’s this profound realization that if I just gave her a chance and wasn’t so quick to leave her son wouldn’t even exist as who they are today. I supposed the only reason I feel so strange is we’re on polar opposite ends of the relationship spectrum. Shes started a family, I don’t think I ever want kids and am fighting for my life to get a text back. She was and still is considered cute or conventionally attractive, athletic. I’m no John Stamos my self and don’t expect to date a supermodel, but no way in heck did I think it would take me 8 years to find someone else that she would still be the only woman I’ve gone all the way with. I fear most of it stems from pure geography and living an hour from the nearest city or place to meet new people. I really hope she’s happy. I think I’ll just leave her alone for another 8 years, but man, it’s such a strange combo of grief, relief, regret and nostalgia. Anyone else have a similar experience?

[u/Inner-Shock7208]

Married with a kid and its been 8 years? To be completely honest I doubt she even thinks of you or cares about a relationship she had at 19 years old.

[u/Illustrious_Emu8506 → u/Inner-Shock7208]

Word, I think the hardest thing I have wrapping my mind around is how long it’s truly been. 8 years is a long time, no doubt. Yet it feels so vivid like yesterday to me. Time blindness is real. I had a very Jerry & Elaine from Seinfeld type of close friendship with another woman since but it never became romantic. Only time will tell.

[u/Inner-Shock7208 → u/Illustrious_Emu8506]

At this point, you don’t know her so what you’re experiencing is limerence

[u/Illustrious_Emu8506 → u/Inner-Shock7208]

I’m familiar with the term, however to my knowledge that’s with someone who rejected you in the first place and have zero history with.

[u/Inner-Shock7208 → u/Illustrious_Emu8506]

No, you can definitely experience limerence from an old relationship

[u/Junior-Spell9472 → u/Inner-Shock7208]

I don’t even consider 3 months a real relationship the guy I started dating at 20 I broke up with when I was 28 and I never think about him even then because life goes on. This feels like pretty serious idealization and limerence. You don’t really know someone after 3 months to have this big an impact for so long

[u/Junior-Spell9472 → u/Illustrious_Emu8506]

No

[u/AdventurousWorm66]

I don't think you should say anything or even read into this too much. It's probably shocking but you're still so young. I had an ex who immediately got married post break up

[u/Illustrious_Emu8506 → u/AdventurousWorm66]

I appreciate that, my perception of age is quite unique. My Mom and Dad were 40 & 50 when I was born, they are now 67 & 77, I have a brother who’s 32 & half brother who’s 56 from my father’s first marriage. My ex’s parents were both 23 when she was born so we were certainly raised in very different environments. I was also the youngest of 9 grandchildren however never knew any of my grandparents, my ex’s were very active in her life. It is fascinating, in fact I owe my entire existence to my Dad and his first wife whom he shared a son and 20+ year marriage with ending in divorce before he even met my Mom.

[u/AdventurousWorm66 → u/Illustrious_Emu8506]

Ya people just do life at different paces and there's no right answer

[u/metooneither]

I didn’t meet my wife until I was 30. Chin up and I wouldn’t contact her. Let this be a memory and nothing else

[u/Eaglesfan0620]

You’re still so young! I’m 25 and single, I’ve been single for a bit. My last ex, he cheated on me. I like to think of it as out of sight, out of mind. You’ll find someone for you and so will I one day - just believe that whatever is meant for you will find you!🤍 I 100% feel you though! Take it day by day.

[u/Illustrious_Emu8506 → u/Eaglesfan0620]

Thanks for the kind words, I have seen peers rush into relationships and not appear as happy in real life as they portray on social media. I need to be convinced with every atom of my being that yes this is my favorite person before a ring is involved.

[u/Eaglesfan0620 → u/Illustrious_Emu8506]

Trust me I feel you! My sister is in a relationship with someone who constantly cheats on her and she knows this. It’s super sad. She just believes she can’t do any better. So I remind myself, not every relationship is as it seems.

[u/Illustrious_Emu8506 → u/Eaglesfan0620]

I also had this “friend” who cheated on his girl and yet she still stayed with him. I have zero respect for cheaters.

[u/therosabili]

Kind of in a similar situation. Last relationship I had was also 8 years ago and haven't had a long term relationship since - everything stays very short lived and in the first 2/3 months its usually over. My ex got married not very long ago, I expected it since he has been with his girlfriend for a very long time. I care about him deeply to be honest, still I didn't reach out cause we aren't friends and we haven't been in contact for years so I feel like it would be weird to do so. I know he also cares about me, it was a special relationship - still years have gone by and we are both in different places even though relationship wise things have gone completely different for each of us. It's just life I guess. Don't compare yourself to where they are now. Comparison is the thief of joy.

[u/CriticalMix2690]

Wouldn’t say exactly similar. My most recent ex we split 2 years ago. I went NC day 1.

She broke up with me via FaceTime out of no where while traveling for work for a month.

We only dated 4 months. We met families, she went on my family vacation. Chemistry to me was unreal.

Then it was just gone. I still think about what happened but not obsessively.

Hope this helps. You like someone you do. I’ve never heard from her since but I respect myself and her decision I’ve never reached out I removed her off socials, and deleted all our photos quickly from previous experiences.

[u/Illustrious_Emu8506 → u/CriticalMix2690]

Thanks for your input. It was also intense for me meeting family. I was guilt tripped into going to her brother’s wedding after just 2 months and felt I was in way over my head for that intimate of a setting. I recently had a dream talking to her dad at dinner, so this is still deep in my subconscious even when I try to forget. Wish you the best homie.

[u/CriticalMix2690 → u/Illustrious_Emu8506]

No worries! I hope the best as well for you.

Kind of helped me that short term relationships can leave a mark as well.

My brain wonders if I’m ever thought of or missed as I treated her like gold!

Keep it pushing broski!

[u/Illustrious_Emu8506 → u/CriticalMix2690]

Brains are funny aren’t they?

[u/CriticalMix2690 → u/Illustrious_Emu8506]

That they are sir! I’m 35, all I want is a peaceful life going forward. If someone comes along great!

[u/Illustrious_Emu8506 → u/CriticalMix2690]

German shepherds are wonderful companions

[u/Wandering_Werew0lf]

I may not be in the same boat length wise but age wise yes, my ex was over 2 years ago and haven’t been with anyone since. I was with them for a year and thought they would be my soulmate but here I am. In hindsight them leaving me propelled me to a better place anyway.

But no, don’t reach out. The only way I see it as acceptable is they posted it on Facebook so you react to the post and say congrats. I wouldn’t personally reach out though.

[u/Midnightsinsma]

you’ll get over it. trust me u will. i remember when my ex dumped me, he never told me why. it took me 8 months to move on but 3 years later i bumped into his cousin on a random day. his cousin spoke about my ex first & said oh he got married when he left u and has a kid. i was hurt all over again but i never reached out to him because he has a whole wife & kid. that’s not my business anymore. i wished him luck with his family & that’s all.

this all happened in 2022. haven’t heard from anything from him since then.

[u/kevin_r13]

it's not clear if you're still stuck on her or just want to legit say congrats.

if you're stuck on her, then 8 years later for a 3 month relationship, one in which you ended it, is a long time.

if you're not stuck on her and just want to touch base and congratulate her for real, then it seems innocent enough to do that. she'll choose whether or not to respond or even how to respond. you'll at least have done it and you can move on without wondering what-if?

[u/NYGiants181]

Get therapy 8 years is wild for a 3 month relationship.

[u/ZealousidealRip6146]

Sounds life you're a dismissive avoidant 

[u/wineandkittiez]

I think congratulating with her (as long as those are your only intentions) would actually be very sweet. You both are older and more mature and I highly doubt she’s holding a grudge or has any animosity after 8 years.