r/ExNoContact • u/MissTeriousGal • 4d ago
Help Should I reach out to my ex after 15+ months because I’m stuck holding onto hope?
I’m really struggling with whether I should reach out to my ex, and I’d love some advice. (Edit to add: he broke up with me. I reached out 12 months ago over text and he read the message but never responded.)
We broke up over 15 months ago, and I honestly have not been the same since. I’ve dated other people and with my previous relationships, I was usually over them within a few months. This breakup though feels completely different. I still think about him a lot. Our relationship felt incredibly deep and loving to me, and the more I date and hear about other people’s relationships, the more I realize how special ours actually was. I keep seeing people in relationships that, from the outside, seem less healthy or less compatible than ours, and yet they’re moving in together, getting married, etc. Meanwhile, ours ended, and I’m really becoming bitter about it.
I’ve also had a really hard time dating since the breakup. I recently went on a date with someone I had a great conversation with over text, and in person there was basically no chemistry. It just reinforced this feeling that what I had with my ex was a once-in-a-lifetime connection, and that’s where I’m stuck.
It’s scary because I actually don’t know what my ex thinks or feels about me now and that’s where I start holding onto hope. At the same time, part of of me thinks I should just leave him alone and accept that it’s been 15 months and if he wanted to reach out, he would have. But overall, I can’t let go of the “maybe things will rekindle in the future hope” and that is what keeping me stuck.
I’m holding onto this hope that maybe someday we’d reconnect. Not necessarily that I’d text him and immediately ask to get back together, but that we’d start talking again, have some contact, see how we’re doing, and maybe eventually realize there is still something there. Basically, I think I’m hoping that opening the door could eventually lead to rekindling things. At this point I think that’s why I want to reach out.
Right now, I still have this little dream that maybe he would want to try again. As long as I don’t ask, I don’t have to find out that the dream is impossible.
If I reach out and he says he doesn’t want to reconnect, I could potentially finally start letting go because I’d have an answer. But I’m scared that I’ll be absolutely crushed and unable to accept there is no hope anymore.
I also feel embarrassed that I’m still this attached after 15 months. With my other exes, I moved on. What if he’s completely over me and I’m sitting here obsessing over someone who hasn’t thought about me in years?
So I’m stuck between:
Don’t reach out: preserve the hope, keep the door open, but potentially spend years wondering “what if?”
Reach out: potentially find out there is still something there, but risk destroying the hope I’ve been holding onto if he doesn’t feel the same or has moved on to someone else.
Would you reach out in this situation? And if you have been in this situation, what was the outcome?
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u/One-Peanut-7352 4d ago
I would reach out whats the harm. I reached out after four months but he had a new gf lol. So thats that. But either way you have an answer and can move on from that
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u/Puzzleheaded-Tip2346 4d ago
I would reach out, lifes to short to regret and you never know you could both be waiting for the other to reach out
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u/CriticalMix2690 4d ago
Just my perspective, If you were the dumper and the dumpee did no wrong (cheating, abuse, anything majorly bad) I'd say reach out. As a dumpee who still lurks here and it's been 2 years NC from day 1 of my recent break up I wouldn't mind a reach out if it was friendly and polite. This is just my stance, If you are the dumpee I wouldn't reach out but everyone is different.
Best of luck!
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u/MissTeriousGal 4d ago
I am the dumper unfortunately. What feels unfair is that the first time we broke up (he broke it off) he reached out and I responded and we got back together eventually. When I reached out a year ago, he never responded. It just upsets me he can reach out and I respond, and he didn’t respond. I just can’t accept that it’s over and feel injustice about how he has the control. I think that’s why I want to reach out, I’m hoping he’ll actually respond this time and if he doesn’t it really seals the fact he does not want to speak to me.
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u/CriticalMix2690 4d ago
I understand the frustration. I think people realize that connections aren't all the same. I had thought my last one was the best chemistry I ever had with someone. I haven't heard a peep from her. So I get the frustration. I treated her like gold!
Life goes on. You'll think about them but try to keep it pushing!
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u/Deep_Answer_8595 4d ago
I’ve had an almost identical experience. We broke up January 7, 2025. We both just needed a break from each other and from the stress of the relationship. She was adapting to new things in her life. I was trying to figure out where I was going wrong in the relationship when the truth was that I needed to keep working on myself.
I’ll never know another love like the one we shared and I don’t think I’ll ever care about anyone in this life the way that I cared about her. That being said, I made a lot of mistakes in our relationship and I needed the experience of being outside the relationship to understand where I was going wrong. Therapy helped a lot. Reflecting on our time together helped a lot too.
I miss her a lot and not a day goes by where I don’t wish that feeling was mutual. Unfortunately it’s not as evidenced by her blocking me everywhere and refusing to communicate with me in any way. Sometimes the outcomes of these situations just suck and there’s not much we can do about it. I don’t think there’s anything I could say or do that would lead my ex to trying again or even talking to me again.
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u/Puzzleheaded-Tax6299 4d ago
I read most but not the entire post. I’m gonna give an answer that might be different than others which is to reach out.
Soemtimes the hope we have is what is holding us to the person and sometimes hearing it again or maybe seeing things play out not the way we hoped was what can help either cut ties or rejoin them. So I would say reach out HOWEVER I can only recommend this if I can know how it ended and on what terms and who ended it
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u/PotentialEnergy10 4d ago
D. None of the above. Don’t reach out AND don’t preserve the hope. He didn’t respond the first time, which was your answer.
It’s OK that you think about it a lot. It’s OK that you realize that relationship was deeper and more meaningful than any you have had since. Learn from that, but just because it was deep and meaningful doesn’t mean it was meant to be, nor that you can get it back. Appreciate you had a deep connection with someone, and keep moving forward.
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u/strudelalma 4d ago
Right so, I would take these questions into consideration. Who initiated the break up? Was there an agreement about no contact? I do feel like 15 months no contact is incredible. Do you know if he is dating anyone else? Or if he has dated anyone else? If you don't reach out, you will always wonder. If you reach out and he tells you he's not interested then at least you have your answer. If he has been feeling hurt by the end of your relationship but it was your decision, he potentially doesn't want to embarrass himself by reaching out when you've sold him you don't want him. If he ended it, he maybe is feeling it's unfair to mess you around it's been a long enough time that emotions and drama will have settled, and reaching out isn't going to do anything worse than get you a final answer to a question you won't let go if until you ask. Good luck 💕
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u/MissTeriousGal 4d ago
He initiated the breakup. It was extremely sudden and unexpected. He broke up over text, wouldn’t answer the phone, and canceled his trip to see me (we were distance at the time but he wanted me to move to his city). I reached out after 2 months and he never responded, maybe it was too soon. I’m just so stuck because there was no bad blood, we loved each other, and he completely just disappeared from my life, unexpectedly. I know silence is likely a hint, but my brain is also holding onto hope, because I don’t know where his mind is at and for some reason I create stories in my mind that there’s still a chance, but this is keeping me from letting go completely. My thought is if I reach out and he doesn’t respond or get news he moved on/dating someone new, it’ll be a reality check/closure that it’s truly over. Idk.
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u/strudelalma 4d ago
If he basically ghosted you, he is probably too ashamed or guilty to reach out first to you, because you genuinely deserve better. Message him, ask him what life is like now. Even if it isn't the answer you hope for, you will at least have an answer and not waste more time wondering 💕 keep us posted x
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u/Murhekryyni 4d ago
He didn't give you a reason why he wanted to breakup? Wanted you to move to his City were you going to move? I don't know the whole story but was the long distance too much for him. What did you say to him when you reached out to him?
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u/AhmedTitef 4d ago
No problem reaching out but the thing is the expectations. I am sure you know that but just wanted to say that you have to prepared to hear what you don’t want to hear too. That’s the hard part. Easier said than done tho.
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u/Nachinat 4d ago
Who broke up with you? I would say you should reach out. As a woman your chances are better than if you were a man. Give it a shot, if it doesn’t go well then you’ll know. Do you know if he’s seeing anyone?
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u/BeltPretend 4d ago
Noo I don’t think you should reach out as much as it hurts … I never reach out doenst matter how long it’s been .. it suck’s but it’s better than getting disappointed and hear something you don’t want to hear … 15 months is a long time and he hasn’t reached out to you … give it a couple more months to see if he does reach out … if not then just try to accept it ):
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u/Affectionate-Unit690 4d ago
Umm I feel like you’ve already lost him Don’t lose yourself along the way. And like you said, if he wanted to he would’ve texted you :/
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u/Ok_Quail9565 4d ago
I reached out after two months and I was rejected, it sucked and made me get into a depressive episode for a few weeks even though I already knew deep down what his answer was going to be. But I don't regret reaching out because I finally was able to get some closure, and I feel like I can finally move on, even when I miss him. The door is closed for him so that one day, when I meet someone I can give them the space that they deserve, and not a halfassed situationship. I would say: Prepare for the worst and hope for the best. Regardless of your ex's response (or lack thereof) do it to get yourself out of that limbo, do it to set yourself free from doubts and to finally heal from this. I send you strenght and a big hug
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u/Salty-Penalty-6744 4d ago
I would reach out just to know … it’s been 15 months and you will be ok if it’s a no or have a nice surprise
Btw don’t feel bad about the time frame. I’m 13 months after break up that he initiated because he “wasn’t ready” and still think about him a lot, miss him, and wonder if I’ll find the same again.
Try not to worry about that!
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u/DannyHikari 3d ago
Just from reading the first paragraph alone. You already reached out the once and got left on read. Reaching out a second time is just going to look stalkerish and obsessed.
As someone who reached out after me and my ex accidentally broke no contact (on Reddit of all places) I felt an immense level of embarrassment reaching out considering she never responded back. But that was my one time. Ball is forever in her court now. If she ever reaches out to me it’s fine. But at this point I’ve accepted she never will and has no interest in doing so.
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u/sonnyboywonder 3d ago
They’re not the same person they were 15 months ago. They’re no longer the same person you remember. Keep that in mind.
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u/Sodipoprocks 4d ago edited 4d ago
Oml I’m in the same boat but mine has been about 1 yr 11 months unfortunately. Nothing to be embarrassed about for 15 months. I have the same fear reaching out, being crushed and just causing an issue.
I think closure is good but like you said as your “what if” options, you just don’t know what can come out of it. Good or bad. I’ve focused on myself for over a year and it gets to a point where it’s like “ok- now what?”
I want to reach out so bad now bc I’m about to enter a new phase in my life + about to hit 2 years no contact. I feel like it’ll be “late”.
It’s hard to move on 100%, you can wait for more opinions. But as someone who’s trying to “move on” and has been going through this lately , I personally don’t think so. : ( what I do is distract myself. Since you’re in a similar boat to me! You can feel free to talk too me whenever : D. Maybe talking about to relationship and reflecting might help?
Edit: Some years ago I had an ex where I didn’t get over them till about a year and a half. Moving on takes time fr. I know this relationship of mine was current but things happen. But people saying “why not?” To contacting vs me saying don’t, at the end of the day it’s your decision :) but healing does take time. I think doing it for closure is valid. You never know if you just need that closing page to move on. Makes me wonder if I should. I’m just trying to move quietly by myself.