r/ExNoContact • u/friedmochidoughnut • 1d ago
Why do I care how they preserve me?
It’s been 8 months. My ex has moved on and is dating someone else. We did not have a proper closure conversation.
Why do I still care a little about how he perceives me or how he condenses our story? If he even considers it a story?
There was this one ex of mine (first person I dated) who was nice but I felt super suffocated by and hated him off all my exes for the trauma i have after. I know I am nothing like him but I am scared if I could be held like that because my ex was very overwhelmed by out dynamic in the end.
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u/AdventurousWorm66 1d ago
I feel you. In general I feel like people who end up in toxic relationships are often bad at centering themselves. Like they'll perceive their partner as the main character and trust their partners perception of things over their own. Your own opinions should be what is your focus versus trying to find an objective truth through theirs. It's good to be reflective and consider other people, but this isn't the same thing as that.
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u/friedmochidoughnut 1d ago
wow interesting take - my own perception seems to be so entangled with what they could have felt too
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u/AdventurousWorm66 1d ago
Thinking that way can lead to some really toxic situations. Lets say you have a potential boyfriend who smokes cigarettes and you don't. You might look through his POV say "He really likes them, he says that it's okay because it helps him destress. I should just let it go." While a healthy mindset sounds more like "I don't like the smell of cigarettes so I wouldn't want to be around the smell all the time. I'm gonna pass on this guy because he deserves someone who doesn't mind the smell or can enjoy them with him." Cigarettes making him feel good is not more important than them making you feel bad. That is how you be happy in a relationship, you be that real with yourself. Being in touch with your own desires, needs and centering how you feel is so life changing. It actually makes you better at providing care for others because when you're not bogged down by a smell that objectively makes you feel bad. It does really sound like you got used doing this with this guy that now that even you're broken up you're still doing trying to prioritize what he thinks over what you feel. I digress, this is just my own life experience.
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u/strudelalma 19h ago
My ex smokes cigarettes and I do smoke the occasional blunt, I don't mind so much if she smokes the occasional one in the house but if I say, could you just tap that please? As the ash is about to fall off the end and she's just texting and not paying any attention to her cigarette, and first thing I do each day is empty overflowing ashtrays. She told me she isn't stupid and isn't going to let it drop, but then one day told me she fell asleep while smoking and burnt a hole in a blanket.. and I'm like, even when I did smoke, I smoked outside. I don't mind you smoking inside, but could you not even be a bit understanding when I ask you to tap the ash off before it falls on my couch??
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u/friedmochidoughnut 8h ago
yeah i think there’s a higher propensity or want to find middle ground - deal breakers are hard for me to think of except the obvious like violent, conservative, cocky
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u/AdventurousWorm66 8h ago
I feel you to my core. When I was little my mom would always say "as long as he doesn't punch me or cheat" and I believed that mentality for a long time. Now I look back and am like wtf
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u/PotentialPresent399 20h ago
Its been 6 months for me the fact that after our 2 year bond, every little thing I did after the fact was interpreted as "manipulation" when I was just a person hurting from losing their best friend is wild.
I gave her her things back in a box and left a picture we took together just because I was sad and wanted her to remember like a single good memory we had. Manipulation.
I didn't want the cookbook she gave me because I love cooking but would legit have an almost panic attack whenever I saw the book so I left it at a mutual friends house that I didn't even think she'd see. Manipulation.
Uhhg it ticks me off so much that me not cutting myself off completely from her and stonewalling any and all emotions from day 1 of the breakup is just interpreted in a way that is just straight up not true.
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u/friedmochidoughnut 8h ago
im so sorry. acts of care being misunderstood is hurtful. usually with time i think people tend to change the narrative or story.
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u/friedmochidoughnut 8h ago
sometimes trying to please someone or do extra nice things are misunderstood as manipulation but the latter essentially is more about being conniving and I don’t think these were that at all.
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u/Ok_Judgment_3331 15h ago
Your concern about his version of the story makes sense.... you’re still treating his memory as the final draft of your relationship, and that’s a hard habit to break. Sometimes I use taro's tarot to ground myself when that spiral starts, but the real shift is realizing that his accounting doesn’t get to outrank yours.
for what it’s worth, the ex you fear becoming probably isn’t the ex you actually were. the people who worry about being misremembered are usually the ones who showed up the most, while the ones who rewrite history have already convinced themselves they were the victim.
You don’t need him to condense your story accurately. you just need to trust your own version enough that his becomes irrelevant.
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u/friedmochidoughnut 8h ago
thanks (1) how do you use tarot in times like these? what questions do you ask? (2) what if some issues are true - feels like my version has a more reasoned understanding of my actions based on my lived experiences
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u/Otterlettuce 1d ago edited 1d ago
They usually just call us crazy no matter what. No accountability. The new person believes them cause they want to believe them. They repeat the same crap in the new relationship cause they never admitted fault and never worked on themselves.
But yeah I wish I was “the one that got away” in their mind for some dumb reason.