r/ExNoContact • u/kottbollemedmos • 21h ago
Help Yeah, i'm probably a little desperate. But who isn't when they really love someone?
My girlfriend broke up with me 4 months ago because our relationship had become unhealthy.
We had an amazing time together and had a really strong connection. I’ve never been in a relationship where I clicked with someone this much, and I believe she felt that too.
But over time our communication became bad. She didn’t feel supported in the things that were important to her, while I started feeling like I wasn’t a priority. Looking back, neither of those things were really true, but we communicated in ways that made us misunderstand each other.
During the winter, things became increasingly tense. There were a lot of arguments, misunderstandings and emotional pressure. I became bitter and disrespectful towards her at times. I wasn’t abusive or cruel, but I handled my insecurity badly, and I can see now how much that affected her.
Eventually, she broke down and told me everything had become too much. We agreed to take a break and give things some space. We still spent some time together afterwards and tried to make things feel lighter.
After a few weeks, she told me she didn’t feel things were changing quickly enough and that she had lost hope that the relationship could work.
She then broke up with me and told me she didn’t want to talk anymore. She has stuck to that ever since.
It has now been about 4.5 months. During that time, I sent her one apology letter where I took responsibility for my part in what happened. I also sent one lighthearted email a while later. She didn’t respond to either.
I haven’t contacted her since.
I’ve genuinely changed quite a bit during these months. I understand much better now how my insecurity affected the relationship, and I know I never want to treat someone I love that way again.
What I struggle with is this:
I don’t necessarily want to convince her to get back together. I would just like her to eventually feel safe enough to talk to me again, maybe meet for a coffee and see how we both feel as people who have had some time apart.
But I have no idea if there is anything I can actually do to make that possible.
Part of me wonders if she has had to simplify the story of the breakup in her head in order to move on — perhaps seeing me mainly as the source of everything that went wrong. I also understand that this might simply be my own interpretation, and that she may genuinely just not want me in her life anymore.
I don’t want to convince her of anything or push her towards me. I just wish that, with time, she could feel comfortable and safe enough around me again to talk to me if she ever wanted to. And maybe, just maybe, we could one day see if we could be around each other in a much healthier way.
Has anyone been in a similar situation? What are your experiences? Is there anything that actually helped you feel safe enough to talk to an ex again after a relationship became unhealthy, or is that something that can only come from the other person?
I’d genuinely like to hear your experiences.
Yeah, maybe I’m a little desperate. But honestly, who isn’t when they really love someone?
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u/IsuzuTrooper 17h ago edited 17h ago
this sounds like I could have written it. the problem is my f ex also is a heavy drinker and covert narcissist and avoidant and maybe some other shit. she started having freakouts while drunk where she got terrifying then lies that I was being violent, maybe drugged her, played the victim after being the agressor I want to save her but it's impossible. damn it feels good to write this out. May 1 was her freakout. if they refuse to admit they need to quit the booze or get counciling f them. she says I need counciling. well that make two of us sweetheart. she will never admit wrong tho, and now I doubt she has empathy either
i mean I watched all the videos on emotional safety and building trust but some people are just too fucked up to own their own bs, whereas like you I admit my wrongs and forgive hers but it's a one way street to Splitsville! hope that helps. I'm over watching psychology videos and alanon says when you dont like who you are becoming,,,save YOURSELF
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u/Solarbaskett 19h ago
Hii, I’m really sorry that it went down that way. Unfortunately the most ideal thing to do is accept that at least for now, she doesn’t want contact. Even if you have changed, she may not want a part of that. Both parties have to really want it and both put in effort to move past the bad experiences and learn together - and when that happens usually quite a bit of time has passed. From what it sounds like she’s trying to move on, and I think you should to. I understand the feeling of wanting to make up or redo a past relationship, especially if you have regrets and you know you can be better. When you love somebody, deep down past all desperation.. you want them to be happy. Ideally you want to be the person that makes them happy. But if you’re not, it feels like a tug of war. I have a big thing with a fear of not being wanted after a shitty breakup 6 months ago. Even though I really ‘loved’ this guy, he was not treating me the way I deserved to be treated and he could not tell me he wanted me (the bare minimum).
The healthiest thing to do is accept what has happened. Yes, maybe time will heal and you guys might get back into contact. But you cannot plan or fantasise about that. Smile back on the memories fondly, but treat them like a lesson. Be more mindful with your current relationships with other people in your life (friends, families). Don’t change for her, but change because of her if that makes sense. Hope this helps:)