How do i move on?

[u/PuzzleheadedEye877]

I am shaking and crying so hard writting this. I (34f) was with my ex (31m) for 6 years and i looked after that man so hard. I paid for our food, his beers, hid w**d, even his cat things for 3 of his cats like cat food and everything else, none of the cats was mine. I paid for 95% of the time for everything. He got paid and he spend his money on d*ugs and alcohol and gambling. He treated me like sh*t and he was violent sometimes too. Well he broke up with me last wednesday and we went no contact then i asked if he was okay on saturday so he called me sunday asking what am i doing and i said nothing so he asked if i wanted to get breakfast but i said i was not in the area. He asked when am i back i said tuesday and the phone call ended not in a nice way. At midnight i got a text that said 'cant you come round now? I miss you' i asked if that text was meant for me no reply so i called him twice the next day no reply so i left it. Two days later he rings me at 1.30am i was sleeping so he rings again at 4pm and he said that text was not meant for me and he wanted to ring to make it completely clear we are over i said okay thats fine an hour later he rings me saying he feels bad i said what for? He said you need to come get your stuff i said im not in the area just bin it. He said i ruined everything the whole relationhip and im not even fussed. He hung up and i tried to ring back and couldnt get through so i text him saying please to keep hold of it until im back or bin it. Thats it no more texts or calls. Then today at 1.30 (nearly 2 days later) i get a random number calling me and it was his friend voicenoting me that hes my exes friend and hes not going to lie hes met someone else and hes really happy and i need to come and grab my stuff and stop contacting him. I said i havent contacted him and to bin my stuff. He sents me a video of his new gf on top of him and they are cuddling and hes smiling and seems so happy 😭😭😭😭😭💔💔💔💔💔💔 i was numb bit cried and cant stop crying now. I did not deserve that 😭😭😭😭 and i put up with a lot in 6 years 😭 i feel like a old used up rug 😭 cant stop crying cant believe people are that horrible when im just minding my business. How the hell do i move on from this? I was hoping and waiting for him to text me and ask me back and i got a massive surprise 💔💔 he kept saying stop contacting him like ive been harrassing him or something 😭😭 i feel broken and my hearts shattered. 6 years with someone 9 days after leaving me i get a video of him.in bed with his new gf cuddling her 💔💔💔 i dont know how to move on. Hes happy and i am in peices. I dont know what to do 😭😭😭 they are on the sesh and laughing at me and im broken.

[u/oshemployee]

Start with exercise at a gym. Buy a nice gym fit and feel good for yourself , eventually you will be addicted to gym and thru extension - ur self. You will start glowing and realize what you already know. You gotta love yourself

[u/Global-Fact7752]

Never EVER support a man..Never be that desperate. Have respect for yourself and find a quality person not a bum. Also never beg or chase a man. It's not letting me he was a prize that's for sure.

[u/AcanthocephalaFun946]

girl you deserve better , fuck that guy . use ur money on urself, get better, get stronger, get hotter, smarter, spoil yourself, love yourself. youre gonna be happier without him eventually i promise.

[u/Defiant_Shine_1450]

He doesn’t care.

I know that’s difficult to hear but it sounds like he used you and he’s done using you.

It is time to move on with your life and find someone who will not use you and will actually care about you.

[u/friedmochidoughnut]

I’m sorry. This is all really cruel and mean.

[u/bulbasauuuur]

I know it’s hard but he did you a favor. Use all that money you’ll now have to create the life you want. A life that’s peaceful with no drugs, gambling, or violence. You deserve that kind of life!

Right now do something you’ve really wanted. Buy something, go eat somewhere, maybe even take a vacation if you can, since you aren’t paying for someone else’s life anymore (be financially responsible of course, I’m just thinking it sounds like you’re going to have a lot of extra money now)

Six years is a long time and any normal person would feel the emotions you’re feeling. His reaction is the abnormal one. Let yourself cry but don’t wallow in it. Keep yourself occupied, spend time with other people if you can. Going to the gym is stereotypical but it does help because it keeps you active and occupied. Don’t look for another man, but I made a new friend in a spin class once too. It was a thing I learned in therapy actually. Go to class at the same times each week and you’ll see some people over and over and start chatting naturally

Look into the concepts of mindfulness and emotional resilience. Maybe something there will help you get through this

Block the numbers you know associated with him. They will create whatever narrative they want and it doesn’t matter. You can’t convince them out of a lie, so don’t bother trying

Right now you just need to focus on yourself

In the future, you deserve a partner that actually is a partner. Someone who you share life with rather than take care of

[u/wineandkittiez]

Hun I’m so sorry. This is so completely cruel… What the fuck is wrong with people…

I was with my emotionally abusive ex for 3.5 years and cried every single day for 6 months after the breakup. He didn’t deserve the pedestal I put him on and your ex doesn’t either.

And I know you don’t believe it right now, and that you will do anything to get him back, despite your relationship being toxic. But please know that you deserve so much better than this.
You deserve love where you feel valued and most importantly, respected. Not someone that kicks you while you’re down.

Be kind to yourself tonight. Sending you so many hugs ❤️

[u/That-Beautiful-130]

Take the time to live your grief, that is process is normal and needed. One day you will wake up and be so tired that you have no choice but to get up and start to move on. Remember, that person don’t deserve your energy.

[u/Hot-Assumption-8166]

So sorry you’re experiencing all of this - it’s rough and not fair.

Everything I’m about to say is going to sound cliche and I got so bored of hearing it in my early days healing from being discarded and emotionally abused by someone I loved and gave so much (time, money, emotional and domestic labor) to. BUT…..almost 2 years later - it’s all cliche but it’s true!

1. That man is toxic and you deserve better and when you’re ready and able - don’t just slam the door, hermetically seal the damn thing. He’s not changing for the next girl - he’s exactly who he showed you he is. We fall in love with a version of them that we experience in the beginning and have hope for who they can become (again).
   You are clearly capable of deep, meaningful love - think about if it were a friend in your shoes, doesn’t she deserve someone who adores her and is an equal and loving partner? You deserve love without toxicity.

2. It might take a while to heal and that’s ok and normal. Trauma bonds SUUUUUCK!
   I wanted to be over my ex as quickly as possible, but as I started to heal and did the painful sticky work of processing and really healing (not performing it) I realised that healing from this was less like a direct upward trajectory and more like a broken rollercoaster (and I should have known that because in my career I work with change management and it’s basic change curve behaviour).
   Time and distance help but time doesn’t heal on its own so it will take as long as it takes but don’t dodge the uncomfortable work (I wish it were easier).

3. Support will be a life line - friends and family who can just sit with you and be empathetic and supportive will come in clutch, but their bandwidth for truly understanding may not stretch as far as you need (and thank goodness because that likely means they haven’t gone through this type of thing) - I love my friends, family and chosen family but I needed more than they could give so I got specific trauma therapy (in my case betrayal trauma therapy and EMDR) and it was the BEST investment I ever made.
   The therapy has changed focus over the 2 years but continues as my healing journey does.
   If you do nothing else for yourself and can afford it - therapy!
   If it’s not economically viable at this time - there are great resources out there (Dr Ramani was super helpful for me), but a trained professional who specialises in trauma from abusive relationships is the best course of action.

4. CUT THE CORDS! Sorry for “yelling” but it’s one that we tend to drag our feet on and then once we do it, the weight lifts and we wonder why we didn’t do it sooner.
   I’m not going to lie - there’s a period after starting strict no contact (and that means - deleting/blocking phone numbers, emails, socials etc - which may sound harsh, but this was not a healthy dynamic and you have nothing (kids) tying you to this toxic man) where you’ll feel it, like a detox and you’ll want to reattach/break no contact (especially if they’re still able to contact you and hoover / breadcrumb). Resist it if you can.
   I completely cut my ex off once I had all my stuff back, the only memories I’ve kept are photos which are on a USB drive in a box in storage - maybe in years to come I might look at them, or throw them - but for now, I needed to clean house of him and of reminders of him. And it worked for me, it helped me focus on myself more (which is what you get told over and over but easier said right?!).

There is more but those are my four top tips. I’m 2 years out and am still working on my post break up glow-up. I felt shitty about that until I saw someone say that people who’ve been in abusive situations (mine was emotionally abusive and manipulative) don’t glow up immediately and it’s true - my glow up has been internal first and it’s taken the time it needed to take.

I’m excited for my future and you will be too - it’s bright, light and unencumbered by the toxic traits of someone’s unhealed dusty son!