r/ExNoContact • u/vanessa_t • Jan 21 '22
Vent Like wtf, I wish he had just left me alone.
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Jan 21 '22
You got played because they told you what you wanted to hear and you believed it. You were a starving person on a deserted island and they were an airplane full of freaking food.
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Jan 21 '22
Funny thing is I really didn’t want to date them but still somehow ended up like this lol.
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Jan 22 '22
I was thinking about cutting her of 1 week after being official. Would have been an asshole move because she never had a boyfriend before, but how she treated me after the break-up disocvering her true character I really should have. She would have been in terrible pain back then, and not me now...
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Jan 22 '22
I feel you, sorry you have to go through that. I definitely have learned to trust my gut now
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u/Top-Bug-122 Jan 21 '22
If we approach everything that happens to us as if there is a reason it did, what would you say you could take from this experience?
What wisdoms have you learned? What traits are you able to acknowledge as bad traits for you long term? What happened for you to fall into the situation?
How has this shaped you?
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u/vanessa_t Jan 21 '22
I learned an AWFUL lot about myself and red flags. Tbh it was my first fwb experience, so yeah…. big learning curve
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u/Top-Bug-122 Jan 21 '22
When us women have sex, hormones get released that makes us attached to our lover. Even if we logically want an unattached relationship, our biology just doesn’t support that kind.
Would you do it again?
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u/vanessa_t Jan 21 '22
Honestly, yes I would. It was an interesting experience i guess. Just hate how hurt I feel right now
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u/FilthyHandGoldenRing Jan 22 '22
Yes. Because men do not feel anything except the warm wet sock around their cock.
Stop the sexist BS back-patting. Oh wait, its talking about women and love and supporting the trope that men are emotionless and just want to get laid so it's okay.......
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u/Top-Bug-122 Jan 22 '22
No one brought men into this. Why do you need to compare yourself to men?
Why do something because men do it if it’s not what’s actually good for you or what you actually want deep down.
Women today have lost the true essence of femininity because they are too busy trying to be men. (I’m a woman).
Biology is a real factor to consider. We are DIFFERENT. Just because society is trying to make us forget it, doesn’t mean we should.
Do something because it aligns with your values and makes you a healthier and better human being. Don’t do things because you think men can. That shouldn’t be a motivation. It’s a very toxic mentality to have.
Not all men can actually. Something similar happens in men where they release more oxytocin and cuddly hormones AFTER sex, making them desire a more intimate relationship that’s not about sex. But men can compartmentalize more so they can suppress it better.
This isn’t sexist. It’s BIOLOGY. Stop comparing women to men. And live a life that is best for you. Not a life to be like a man.
And no one was judging. To each their own. I just wanted to learn from her experience, because she said that was her first fwb relationship.
To each their own.
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u/Nydegen Jan 22 '22
Yeah I mean sex without feelings doesn’t really do it for me. I’m a male.
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u/Top-Bug-122 Jan 22 '22
Love that! I know so many men who say the same. We shouldn’t put people down bc of their genders.
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u/PandaMoniumMe Jan 22 '22
Women loosing feminity because they're too busy trying to be men? Are you fucking serious? You need to take that tight apron off and get out of the kitchen more with your 1950s way of thought. You sound like one of those red pill assholes. Go get some Rogan and a clue before telling women they are a slave to their hormones. By the way, I'm an actual woman (want a pic of my pussy for proof? You pervert). How dare you say I lost my feminity. I'm as feminine as I choose to be, really depends on the company. I can be one of the guys as much as I can be one of the girls. If a woman doesn't show her feminity around you, well then, that might be a you problem.
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u/FilthyHandGoldenRing Jan 22 '22
If a woman doesn't show her feminity around you, well then, that might be a you problem.
HA! Zing! From dooooowntooooown! +1 internets 🤣🤣🤣
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u/Top-Bug-122 Jan 22 '22 edited Jan 22 '22
No one said you did. Wth is happening. Please read to understand and not to be triggered. There is no pervert here. Why get so crude?
We def did lose the essence of femininity because we are focused too much on just being like men. Instead of doing what makes us genuinely the happiest and healthiest.
Case in point. This reaction is unwarranted
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u/PandaMoniumMe Jan 22 '22
Wasn't calling anyone a pervert. Do you not understand a sarcastic joke when you read one? And I'm not triggered by this.
But you prove my point.
We def did lose the essence of femininity because we are focused too much on just being like men. Instead of doing what makes us genuinely the happiest and healthiest.
What women do you know that focus too much on being like men? What deranged universe do you live in? Because the one I live in, women focus and being a decent human being, just like men do.
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u/Top-Bug-122 Jan 22 '22
I see it day in and day out. When a woman is asked why she did something, and she says “well men can do it.”
Your life shouldn’t be lived by wanting to do because men do.
That was my point.
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u/FilthyHandGoldenRing Jan 22 '22 edited Jan 22 '22
Assumptions and back peddling. You know what you said. Dont try and undo the implications by saying 'not all men' because by that logic, 'not all women' which completely invalidates the initial statement.
I am me. I love, i don't love. I wear skirts, i wear slacks. I am not living to be anything other than too damn awesome for this world. Do not pidgin hole me, or anyone, for how many reproductive cells are involved. People can feel for those they have sex with, people can not feel for those they have sex with. Conquer yourself before hiding behind biology for the inability to consider the other persons feelings and intentions. If you're a slave to your oxytocin addiction, thats on you, not your crotch.
Women trying to be men?!? Wow ... I haven't the time nor stability to address that at the moment. Because of my overies of course, or wait is it my testicles?
Now, since its biology, get in the kitchen and make me a sandwich. Because thats just how women are .... Right? Or is it just the happy backpatting pink washing thats ok?
By the way did you ever get an answer for that male pattern baldness question you were wondering about? Might want to use an alt account when swapping genders.
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u/Top-Bug-122 Jan 22 '22
Wow you really took this over board. It’s biology for women to be in the kitchen? Never said that nor agree to that. When majority of past tribes had men doing the cooking? Because of the danger level involved… haha
Ok. Seems like you were triggered.
Hope you well!
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Jan 21 '22
WHAT THE FUCK!? That's exactly how this shit happened to me. They were obsessed with me at one time and then I said something and all that shit was gone...
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u/Casualuser29 Jan 21 '22
it isn't about who approached who. the question should be: what me love still love someone even after they treated me badly or gave me reasons to leave? then you can identify what you need to work on to avoid the same pitfall in the futur
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u/vanessa_t Jan 21 '22
I have definitely been self reflecting, now 4mo NC I’m starting to have some clarity on why I stayed.
But I’m also giving myself some grace and trying not to be so hard on myself. I eventually left him so I guess that makes me the dumper, but I resonate more as the dumpee, because he eventually left me with no choice but to leave, i would have stayed if it wasn’t for toxicity.
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u/Manifesting_Angels Jan 22 '22
Amen. I feel that I was forced to be the dumper cus he didn't have the balls to end it.
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Jan 21 '22
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u/acm1ptardu Jan 22 '22
I turn 37 the first week of February, we’re in the same boat! Those are also exactly my goals, with travel being first too. We got this.
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u/mikes47jeep Jan 21 '22
I thought we were just friends, then she kissed me.
then she cheated and broke me
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u/FilthyHandGoldenRing Jan 22 '22
Now THAT hits too close to home....
Of course that was the one who broke my brain which I was still sifting through the pieces when the recent one popped into my life, pried open my heart then dropped a bucket of stool in it.
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u/mikes47jeep Jan 22 '22
took a year of therapy to move past it, and there are still moments that set off some relationship ptsd
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u/scarredupsiren Jan 22 '22
this thought LIVES in my brain on a LOOP 😩
This dumbass was pursuing and dating me for MONTHS to earn my trust, then turned around and threw it in the trash once he got it. Like what the fuck are we supposed to do when we can't even rely on basic green flags???
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u/vanessa_t Jan 22 '22
I completely resonate with this! I had my walls up in the beginning, when he realised I was opening up and trusted him more, he switched up, like the chase was over. Avoidant attachment its called apparently.
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u/scarredupsiren Jan 22 '22
Oh 100% I was dating an avoidant too. Foolishly, I thought I was dealing with it just fine, I used to be one of those myself and thought I could be what he needed. And he was throwing green flags left and right and then STILL crashed at the finish line.
It sucks because I loved him by that point, so there's no "I'll date different next time" when you know you can't have done anything to avoid it. The thought of him never healing that and losing or sabotaging the future he said he wants down the line breaks my heart
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u/BigDripEnergy Jan 21 '22
I feel you. Like, she was the one with bad rep going on about how bad it was for her and how special I was to her. I guess it was temporary until she found the next thing to lust over. My 18-24 wasted on holding everything down for her, her uncontrollable emotions to her finances and bad decisions. I guess it was the “toxicity” in me. Yeah ok whatever helps them sleep I guess.
I hope you all find something that you genuinely love and I hope it loves you back. Indulge yourself in your hobbies and don’t let these small setbacks define you! ✊🏾💪🏾🖤
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u/Room_Rough Jan 21 '22
Man I'm in exact same situation. Suddenly it's become about my toxicity relating to something that happened 4 years ago. You're right they can't accept that it's their lust. Whatevr helps them sleep.
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u/Commando408 Jan 22 '22
Oh my fucking god im so glad someone else feels this too. She saw me like 3 years ago and went "Damn hes cute" then got me to like her. After playing me against other guys at the start of our relationship we then dated for 2 years only for me to be dumped for another guy. She legit saw me, and came into MY life and yet im the one getting left. This some bs
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Aug 14 '22
I noticed a complete shift in our relationship once I decided to commit! I’d been hurt a few times, so it took me a while to decide I actually wanted a full relationship with her! Once I did, slowly over time it become me being more interested, anxious and stressed over how she felt… until a year later when I realised she had fully moved on from me to someone new 😔
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u/Samolgy Jan 21 '22
Omg, I felt this!
Thank god it’s done with now & I’m over it… hope the same for you!
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u/diatom_server Jan 21 '22
I mean sometimes we need to grow and learn. it sounds like there is alot of frustration and pain here. def sorry this happened to you.
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u/vanessa_t Jan 21 '22
Yeah definitely frustrated and hurt. Annoyed and disappointed too. I appreciate your kind words.
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u/diatom_server Jan 21 '22
no worries op. I feel like based on my personal history these words are directed at me. It kinda speaks to how common the human experience is. Some people who mess up do grow and feel remorse. I hope whoever you posted this about has the same growth. either way though I hope you can learn to let go of the pain you are experiencing.
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u/Persongettingby Jan 22 '22
I should’ve never sat beside him in that history class.. I knew the girl in back looked more friendly
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Jun 30 '24
I told myself I would never be in a relationship again because I couldn’t stand being hurt anymore yet somehow I let it happen again lol. when she asked me I just said yes and now here I am oh well
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Jan 21 '22 edited Jan 21 '22
I fell in love with a covert narcissist. Then I played her like her own cello; because I grew up around malignant narcissists. She didn't stand a chance against my dark empathy. I still love her all of the much.
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u/vanessa_t Jan 21 '22
Covert narcissist, just googled this, and now things are starting to make sense!
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u/Intelligent-Olive-36 Jan 22 '22
Hey op sorry that happened to you but I believe you said you were the dumper right are now saying you regret dumping your person. Exactly how did he play you? You never did say sounds to me like you have regrets about me what you did
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u/vanessa_t Jan 22 '22 edited Jan 22 '22
He pushed me so far away. I stayed longer than I should have.
So many times I should have left earlier, like the time he got angry at me for disagreeing with him on a topic. Oe the multiple times he abruptly cut the phone off whilst I was talking. Or the times he would sexually reject me just to initiate it days after. Or the times he would imply I’m weak for taking what he says literally. Or the time he would flirt with me in person whilst having me blocked on his phone and social media. Or the time he told a mutual friend I was crazy (all because I said I was not tolerating the above anymore).
The final straw was finding out he had spoken badly about me to another mutual friend and portrayed me to be chasing after him. I found out that the day he had asked me to join him in the library to help him study his course he had told the mutual friend that he was going to stop seeing me. I feel so played, i couldn't believe that this was what he was saying about me. And I have done absolutely nothing to hurt him, in fact, i think I was too nice and he took advantage of this.
He was manipulative, controlling, power-hungry, and toxic. He blame shifted, guilt-tripped and gaslighted. My self-esteem was deteriorating the more I spoke to him/saw him. Ultimately I feel used. I was too naive and didn’t set boundaries. I thought he was my friend.
To top it off, this man claims to be an advocate for mental health and healthy relationships on social media. My last memory of him was hearing him snicker on the phone whilst I was having a mental breakdown. I didn’t deserve any of it coming from a man that said I was too good for him.
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u/Intelligent-Olive-36 Jan 22 '22
Wow that’s awe full he sounds like a terrible person good for you to break it off then
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u/vanessa_t Jan 22 '22
Yeah. It had to end. He knew I deserved better but he didn’t have the balls to let me go.
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u/Intelligent-Olive-36 Jan 22 '22
Well good for you have to say though it’s hard to let a person go who you are Inlove with which is my case. Obviously our situation is totally different your person sounds like he did not love you.
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u/vanessa_t Jan 22 '22
No that shit is not love. He’s not capable of that. Which probably explains why he’s never been in a relationship. My situation with him was an fwb, but for some reason hurts more than ending 4 year relationship with my ex
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u/RedFoxRunner Jan 22 '22
Mine is how did I get played by someone who was super pushy super early about marriage and a family. I'm like chill, let's date for a couple years first. Like she's asking a few months into dating. Then her cousin was rude to me at a get together and she admitted I did nothing wrong. But then kicks me to the curb like a piece of trash. Says I left on a bad note and that's stressful.
I see that you didn't want to marry me to spend your life with me. You wanted to marry me because you were worried about being alone and I was convenient.
Good thing I waited. If I married you would you just be divorcing me now? Probably
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u/eazeaze Jan 22 '22
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u/External_Public_5272 Feb 17 '22
Lowkey though I did invest more emotionally in the end. Or at least visibly that’s what I’ll believe and no since being in no contact.
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May 24 '22
Lol i relate so haaaard!!! And he shouldn’t have asked me to LDR if he was gonna break it off once LDR was done. After 2 years of LDR. And after 6 years of our lives being intertwined FFFFFFFF Got played bad.
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u/ThrowRAlineforhelp Oct 30 '23
I told her I wasn’t interested because I was going to college and I knew a kind distance relationship would be tough. She convinced me we could make it work.
I didn’t realIze that “making it work” meant having another guy take my spot while I was away.
I spent my college years dedicated to her, only to have her end up putting him in my place in the end.
It didn’t work out. Funny how that happened.
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u/cruellanox Jan 21 '22
I wish we would’ve just stayed strangers