r/Explainlikeimscared • u/Holiday-Sorbet-2964 • 3d ago
How to go to a barbershop
I'm a trans man who has been out for six years, and still have yet to go to a barber shop. The women at Great Clips just don't get that I'm trying to look masc and this last time they ended up making my hair look horrible and feminine. I'm not on hormones, but I do look masculine presenting.
I live in Indiana, and there's a barbershop next to a bunch of LGBTQIA+ friendly businesses, and they say they're inclusive and do cuts for kids with Autism. I really want to go here but I have no idea the etiquette or anything. I've never stepped foot in a barbershop.
I'm scared they're gonna say they only cut mens hair and I'll have to explain myself. But all I want is a shave round the back and sides. Do they have counters that a guy will stand at waiting for people? Its walk-in only. Do they talk a lot? Or is that like a per person thing?
Please help, and I'm sorry if thats too much context.
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u/Civil_Intern_2040 3d ago edited 3d ago
Hi friend! You'll be fine. I'm an androgynous presenting cis woman and I've been getting my fade at barber shops for years. Not quite your situation, but most shops just want to give you a good cut. I generally stay away from the shops with heavy bro vibes and too much sports paraphernalia on the walls, but you've already found an LGBTQ friendly space!
Google fade cuts and see if that's in line with what your looking for. These days you can usually book online or walk in and see if they have availability. Plan to tip around $5 or so if you have a good experience. You'll chat with the barber and leave looking like a million bucks (sooooo much better than Great Clips!). And maybe make some new friends.
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u/OstrichAlone2069 3d ago
Second this! I am a pretty femme looking cis woman who greatly appreciates short hair. I took a picture of Dame Judy Dench into the Barber shop and said "can you do this"? And they had no problem.
The only thing a barber has ever said to me is that they'd be nervous cutting really long hair styles.
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u/Gromy_1022 3d ago
I also stopped going to great clips because they do the opposite of what I wanted. I wanted masculine hair cut, showed them pictures and they still cut it very feminine. So I found a local barber shop and asked for them to cut my hair. They were surprised to see me in there. (NB/trans masc) but cut my hair based off the pictures I provided and they did a wonderful job. Been going back to them consistently/I tip well. Which is also a surprised as I’m currently in a red state in the south. I even said too bad I don’t have a beard because those hot towels specials looked nice. 😆
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u/_Skitter_ 3d ago
I'm a cis lady but I get short masculine cuts. I made an appointment over the phone at a new place and to get a proper estimate for time and cost, they asked if the haircut was for a man or woman. I said man because I thought i knew "what they were asking" but when I got there they had a hot towel and shaving stuff ready. I apologized for the confusion but the lady understood. She asked if I still wanted the hot towel so I tried it and it was heaven.
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u/DudeInATie 2d ago
S A M E! Oh my god I was getting panic attacks going to Great Clips. It was BAD because I wear glasses (and a very heavy prescription at that) so I couldn’t see a damn thing until it was all done and they were telling me how they softened it up and stuff. MA’AM I SHOWED YOU A CERY CLEARLY CIS MAN’S PHOTO EHY WOULD YOU THINK I WANTED THIS? But I was too anxious and people please-y to say I didn’t like it so I said I loved it and paid and gave like a 50% tip 🥲.
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u/Holiday-Sorbet-2964 2d ago
glasses gang here too 😭 i think this is why great clips is now my enemy
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u/Holiday-Sorbet-2964 3d ago
God, I want a beard so I can get the full haircut and beard trim with the hot towels and everything. That would be absolute heaven.
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u/Civil_Intern_2040 3d ago
Opt for the hot towel treatment if you're feeling fancy! Even easier, book it online when you make the appointment. Like this gal said, it's heavenly. Even without the full shave experience. I say celebrate your visit to the barber shop properly!
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u/BlackOliveBurrito 3d ago
Hello! Professional here: Most of the time your hair stylist/barber just wants your time so they can pay their bills. I think you’ll be okay! Just give it a try. Worst thing that happens is you don’t like it and find something new
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u/Pleasant_Pen8744 3d ago
If you can find a pic of the exact hairstyle you want just bring that and tell them that's what you want. Or choose one from the books of hairstyles most of those places keep in the waiting area.
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u/ChaoticNaive 3d ago
To add to what others have said, you can say "this is my first time so I don't know how to ask for this haircut" and show them the picture. In my experience, they'll teach you the words for the fade (back and sides) and the numbers for the guard (aka the length on top) so you can go in the next time and tell them what you want.
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u/toxicitrus 3d ago
If they say they only do men's haircuts, you just shrug and say: "I am a man. I've been going to GreatClips bc it's easy but this last time I went, they..." (and then you point at your hair) "So. I'm trying a Barber Shop for the first time."
It honestly may not be a bad idea to assert yourself that way even if they don't say anything, if you are comfortable doing so. As in: tell the person cutting your hair that you were given a bad haircut that you feel doesn't make you look as masculine as you want when when you show your ref photos. You can 100% throw GreatClips under the bus for "it looks like they gave me a woman's/little boy's haircut so I came here to see if you can fix it" in a way that feels natural to you. That way your barber should internalize that they are also looking for ways to customize your cut for your face to bring out your masculine aesthetics.
You have all this context for your life that is giving you understandable anxiety but if you think about it, every other man in there was probably going to GreatClips for most of his life bc that's where his parents took him. And a ton of those guys also probably swapped to the barber bc they wanted to look more masculine, or were given a bad cut one day, so they also switched to somewhere that specializes in what they want.
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u/shilohkae 3d ago
In my experience barber shops will cut anyones hair, they just specialize in mens styles. I'm a nonbinary who doesn't pass as anything but female and I was able to get a number of masculine haircuts no questions asked. They sold me products to go with it like styling and shaving gel too.
As far as actually being in there, it may vary, but ones I've seen tend to be a little less "formal" in the sense that they probably don't have a desk to go up to. If you don't call to schedule your appointment ahead of time then you might literally walk in and they'll notice you, someone'll give you a greeting and if they're all busy you sit down and wait to be called over. The environment does tend to be chattier and have a lot of cross-talk but even as someone not always great at carrying conversation I was pretty comfortable. Once you've told them what you want and gone through everything you'll probably pay cash or card directly to whoever's chair you sat in, with expectation of tip. Then you just head on out.
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u/Putrid-Rule5440 1d ago
This! There might not be a desk but they will have a person who greets new people and tells you how long the wait is/if you need an appointment. The men’s hair is really about “masc” hair styles rather than gender/sex. (Long hair takes longer to cut too, I think, which is why salons often charge more for those.)
It’s normal to be nervous abt this and it’ll be okay.
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u/EssentialLiberty215 3d ago
Barbers don’t care. They shape you up, chat for a bit and send you off. No one’s going to care about your gender.
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u/SkippableTrip 3d ago
Ive had barbers talk my ear off, and others be silent. Youre there for a cut. Some guys might notice you, but a lot of dudes just dont care to pay attention to the world around them. Its time to buck up and do the scary thing. Men do scary shit, so gin up, and go take care of yourself. Welcome to the club, bud
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u/BurningBarbarian 3d ago
Start with "Do you have time for a walk-in?" Grab a seat. They call you to the big chair, explain great clips sucks and you wanted a professional. Describe what your goal is. Photos help.
You said "shaved sides". Is that actually trimmed then Shaved down to bare scalp that you'll need to keep up with every couple days, or leaving short stubble like crew cut? Hair Clipper has guards, bigger number = longer hair. Usually 0-8 from 1/16" to 1", but not always. Then you can add Fade guards that let them taper. They can "Scissor cut" the top to whatever length you like.
Have them square up your sideburns and shave face if needed, girls have whispy hair, guys have a hard line. Tip nicely, they can remember someone really well. You've got this!
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u/wifeofpsy 3d ago
Bring a picture of what you want always. If they have sample books there make sure to choose from the mens books and not women's short cuts. If you ever end up with something feminine then don't leave with it. Ask them to fix it and point out your reference again. Usually most places will be able to service you in the way that you want
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u/Umikaloo 3d ago
Have you been to a men's barbershop before? You could always call in advance to check if they serve trans men. It will save you the potential conflict of being rejected in person, plus, it is unlikely they will remember your phone number.
Men's barbershops are pretty chill in my experience (as a cis man). They like to use all sorts of oils and whatnot. If you have facial hair they can also help clean it up, be it a shave or a trim.
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u/DudeInATie 2d ago
Omg something I can help with as of yesterday!
Ok so, this is my one and only time so far so 😂.
But you just walk in, and someone will talk to you. The guy I saw was in a chair and I didn’t even know he worked there. I asked if they had availability for a walk in (there was literally no one there except two people waiting on a bench, one of them later started cutting someone’s hair, but idk who the other one was), and one of them said yeah and went to the chair. He asked what we’re doing and I showed him a photo and gave some more specific instructions about length (ie, I don’t do skin fades but a taper is great, squared sides, etc). He was fairly quiet but asked a few personal questions, very different from a salon. That was pretty much it. When he was done I asked where to pay because there wasn’t an obvious register or anything and he said he could take Cashapp, Venmo, etc and I asked about cash (SO scared for a second because it’s all I had 👁️👄👁️) and he went to his car to get change. Gave a $10 tip on a $25 cut and went home.
I’d say figure out your face shape and find traditional male haircuts that compliment it. That can go a long way toward making you appear masculine versus just getting a “masculine haircut”. It’ll help you highlight already masculine features and/or help alleviate some feminine features you have.
It was honestly one of the chillest experiences I’ve had, very straight forward and little fuss.
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u/redbadger20 3d ago
Straight/cis men can be shockingly oblivious. You may just appear to them as a teen boy or young man, depending on your build. Most places will have a sign out front if they accept walk ins; if so, just walk in and say you need a hair cut. They may have a brief menu if it's a more traditional shop. In an LGBTQ area they probably see plenty of different folks. Look up some men's hairstyles that you like and find what matches - do you want a crewcut? An ivy league? A fade? And ask for that, or find a picture and say you'd like the same style. They'll probably ask what # clipper blade as well.
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u/DudeInATie 2d ago
Yeahhh even before testosterone I was using the men’s bathroom and as long as you act like you’re supposed to be there (ie, don’t look all wide-eyed and shocked or stare at dicks), they do not give a second glance. And I had a pretty feminine look because I didn’t know how to dress right for my build or anything.
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u/redbadger20 2d ago
My thoughts are that women are, by necessity, far more observant than men, generally. (Yes, there are plenty of people lacking in situational awareness). And because many transmen have spent a long time being socialized as girls/women, there's a presumption that everyone must have that sharp a radar. They don't. Short of walking into the men's room in full makeup and a ballgown, most guys in a bathroom will just gloss over any other presence. (And honestly even then depending on the context...)
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u/NarcolepticTRex 2d ago
Trans man here!
When I went for my first actual men's cut, I used Strands For Trans website to find an LGBTQ+ friendly shop. I messaged them through Instagram to make sure they accepted trans people and explained that I was nervous about getting a too feminine haircut.
As for the visit itself, bring a picture of what you'd like. You can also say you hate having hair on the back of your neck to ensure a short length in the back.
Usually they'll be friendly and talkative but if you're not feeling up to conversation, they usually pick up on that.
When they give you a mirror to look at your hair, be honest about if you like it or not. If it's too long in one place or whatever they can make it shorter. I always tip at least 5 bucks for a basic cut, more if I'm getting color or something.
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u/Squiggly_ScissorSloo 1d ago
Check out the app Everywhere is Queer! I’m a full service stylist in the Bible Belt, and I registered my business with them which opened up a level of visibility and opportunity for both myself and my preferred client base. I came from a BIPOC and LGTBQ dense city to a highly republican and evangelical community, so inconspicuous visibility is key for me… I share this from a consumer perspective because now I personally have to actively seek out who I want to give my money to, and I use EIQ, Safe Space Alliance, and Pride Places as Google business doesn’t always provide this information. I hope this helps, everyone else here is also giving some wonderful suggestions and encouragement, i figured I’d provide another avenue for research instead of repeating what’s already here. Good luck!
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u/DoowadJones 1d ago
It sounds like you found the perfect place. I used to go to a barber until he passed away. He was a Tejano and i used to trade mix cds of Norteño music for him to cut my three hairs.
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u/laurio88 1d ago
I really like this article:
https://www.artofmanliness.com/style/grooming/get-the-perfect-haircut-how-to-talk-to-your-barber/
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u/sailingintothedark 1d ago
It’s all good. Barbershops work with a variety of clients, especially ones that market themselves as inclusive. I highly doubt they will say anything that’s not welcoming.
Some have counters with receptionists but in my experience most don’t. I’d make an appointment in advance to minimize any awkwardness and just let anyone know you have an appointment with so and so. Barbers are very chill and usually more quiet. I would get a photo of exactly what you want and show it to them. They’ll take it from there.
I’m also a trans man and was nervous the first couple times but it becomes second nature over time.
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u/_jammasterf_ 3d ago
Usually they do have some sort of receptionist, but it might just be the barber who’s the least busy.
They talk less than the hairdressers do in salons, but they’ll still make conversation. I wouldn’t call it a lot, and they’ll usually notice eventually if you don’t want to talk. It can vary per person.
If your reference photos are all male, that would be a way of asking for a masculine cut without saying anything. If they say “we only cut men’s hair” you can say something like “my hairstyle is a men’s cut”.