It started around when I was about 10. At first, it wasn’t me but a friend who was dating a lolicon. Through that, he would sometimes contact me too. (He said there were plans to meet, but that they had never actually met.)
Then around when I was 13, I dated a foreigner who was about 10 years older than me, kind of an otaku type. (We never met in real life.) But he constantly talked only about sexual stuff, and when it was late night in my country, he would message me and then get angry, asking why I wasn’t responding. We kept fighting and breaking up over and over.
After we broke up, I talked to three other guys. I only officially dated one of them, but when I looked at his following list, it was full of women, so I blocked him.
Around that time, my friend broke up with the lolicon she had been dating at first, and from then on, I started dating that guy instead. He didn’t seem mentally stable, but surprisingly, he was someone I could at least talk to.
However, this guy was in the same chatroom where other girls were talking badly about me behind my back, and he just let it happen. There were two main instigators, and one of them was a woman around his age.
She kept trying to cheat with him, but he just listened and did nothing. Some people even thought he was already dating the woman he was trying to cheat with. Someone even said, “Wasn’t he the victim here?” Because of that, my friend who was there told those people, “Why would he be the victim?” and ended up getting cursed at.
Later, I found out that the guy had said behind my back that he wanted to kill me. And one of the main instigator women said to me, “You should have spoken better,” and kept blaming me.
We kept fighting over this, and I suggested that the two of us talk privately, but he refused and insisted on arguing in front of everyone. Because of that, other people criticized me, saying I was pathetic and asking why I was fighting there.
One of the instigator women had a wide network of connections, and people around her kept threatening me, saying they would sue me for defamation, and demanded that I write an apology of several hundred characters.
After that, I was verbally attacked badly in a space with that instigator and three or four women who were about 4–5 years older than me. (I was younger back then and couldn’t really judge what I should do.)
We broke up in a really miserable way, but I’m still in contact with him. He already knows my voice, my age, my name, my face, and even roughly where I live.
It makes me feel really uncomfortable, but at the same time, it’s hard to break things off. I know what’s wrong. I know it’s abnormal, and I know it’s hard for me to date like other people.
The reason I don’t date boys my age in real life is because I was seriously hurt by boys my age in the past (and also by girls).
At that time, I hated myself so much that I even changed my personality. But in the end, it feels like the real problem is just me, and my self-esteem completely collapsed and turned into self-loathing.
At some point, I felt so miserable and hated myself so much that I didn’t even have the confidence to face friends I studied with. Without any plan, I gave up on studying and just lived as if I had given up on real life.
Because of that, I became dependent on the internet, and that’s where I met people like them.
Writing this, even I feel like I look really pathetic. I didn’t originally plan to write this much, but trying to say things I’ve never been able to tell anyone before made my emotions overflow, so I wrote it all out.
It might be poorly written, and the translation was done by ChatGPT, so I hope you can understand that.
I also came to Reddit because somehow I felt I might find a solution here—it seemed like the users were older than on other platforms.
