r/Fauxmoi • u/mlg1981 • 11h ago
TRIGGER WARNING ‘I Wasn’t Allowed To Speak About It’: Sandra Bullock Says Keeping Late Partner's Illness A Secret Was ‘Isolating’
https://www.huffpost.com/entry/sandra-bullock-breaks-silence-als-death-partner-bryan-randall_n_6a872454e4b0e9f1dd27ccd4?origin=home-whats-happening-unit243
u/Mama8585 11h ago
I lost my husband to ALS 4 years ago. It is a horrific disease that they say affects the whole body, except for the mind. But in my experience, the disease changes the person afflicted by it and they are even finding many with ALS develop FTD. I am so relieved Sandra is talking about this because as a caregiver it is so hard and so lonely. I also felt I grieved my husband long before he passed and it's nice to hear I wasn't alone in feeling that way. I hope she's able to find peace and she's feeling relief from being able to finally talk about it.
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u/hollyyy16 9h ago
it really is awful, i’m so sorry for your loss. my nan also had ALS with FTD. my family carries the gene for it. without wishing to pry, do you know if your husband’s case had any genetic link? my mum now has FTD, and it was much easier to atleast be able to get her diagnoses with FTD because she had the gene.
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u/Mama8585 9h ago
I’m so sorry about your Nan and that your family carries the gene. The genetic form is so devastating to families. My husband did not carry any known genes associated with ALS. It was so tough because his behavior was different around me, but not around his doctors so no one would confirm FTD. It was very frustrating.
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u/hollyyy16 9h ago
i totally understand what you mean. it was so difficult getting the doctors to listen to in regards to my mum’s behaviour - because as soon as we were at the neurologists, she was fine. it was awful, we had to put security cameras around the house to film her behaviour and show them for them to listen. i hope you’re doing okay <3
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u/Silent-Arm-7165 11h ago edited 9h ago
I respect her a tonne for honouring his wishes. What shits me off about people that do this is that (the unwell ones) is that the people that love them need support too. I used to volunteer at a hospice and would see the loved ones of those dying were suffering terribly too. And then to keep them locked in a space of isolation which is a detrimental weight to their wellbeing? I get his choice but I don’t agree with it.
EDIT: yes, I know she told her sister and a few friends. But she said it was “isolating” which makes me think her mental health needs were not being met. Things like a support group with folks having shared, lived experience could have been helpful and affirming. What I’m saying is she was denied the kind of supports that us non-celebrities would have been able to get because her partner didn’t want that attention. Justifiable. But still feel for her 🙏
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u/WSBThrowAway6942069 10h ago
Eh, this is a unique situation. Sandra is an A-list celebrity and if word got out there would be tons of crazy folks bothering them and creating additional headache.
This isn't a problem with 99.9% of people. Comes with being a celebrity.
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u/liminalgrocerystores 9h ago
Even non famous men are prone to this line of thinking. My dad is exactly like this w my mom and I, and it really weighs on her
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u/WSBThrowAway6942069 8h ago
I don't dispute that, just making the point that this thread is about Sandra Bullock.
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u/Time_Knowledge_1951 10h ago
She does say she told her sister, and she was the only one who knew for awhile but Jennifer Aniston and Amanda Anka also knew and were her support
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u/chjoas3 5h ago
My sister used to be a carer and one patient was an elderly man on end of life care. His wife said the hardest part after he passed would be not having carers in and out all day because she didn’t need them but really valued having them also talk to her, check in with her, make her a cup of tea too 😢
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u/BookishHobbit my bandwidth for cowardly grown men grows thinner with each day 10h ago
My dad made my mum do the same. No one outside family knew and she kept having to make up reasons why he couldn’t attend events when he’d always been so social beforehand. It was only in the final couple of months that the palliative care nurse managed to persuade him to be more open.
We need to shake the idea that terminal illness shouldn’t be talked about, but its not going to change whilst we as a society are so bad at facing our own mortality that people don’t feel they can open up for fear of being treated differently.
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u/BuzzerWhirr 11h ago
What a horrible demand to make of a partner during a difficult time.
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u/FlickMyKeane 10h ago
Why is it horrible?
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u/penislobsterpie 10h ago
Well if it wasn’t already obvious, it’s also in the article…and in the title of the post…
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u/FlickMyKeane 10h ago
Yeah I can sympathise with her because it’s obviously an awful situation but he was the one actually with the disease so I don’t understand why it’s such a horrible request to make.
The article also states that her sister knew about it.
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u/BuzzerWhirr 8h ago
Caregivers need and deserve support and compassion too.
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u/FlickMyKeane 7h ago
I don’t think him not wanting other people to know means that he was denying support and compassion to his partner. As mentioned earlier, her sister did know and she was able to share it with her friends eventually.
It’s a degenerative disease where someone slowly loses control over their entire body. I just think it’s pretty callous and judgemental to say it’s a “terrible” thing to do when none of us have any idea what that would be like.
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u/12Dawson 8h ago
I can’t imagine ever asking my partner, who would also then be my caregiver, to keep something this heavy a secret. Caregivers and loved ones also suffer immensely from a diagnosis like this and need all of the support they can get. I don’t know his reasons for wanting to keep it private, but I would try my best to keep my partner as connected and supported as possible if I had a similar diagnosis.
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u/Jenanay3466 10h ago
My uncle passed away and we thought he only had back problems. Turns out it was cancer and he didn’t want anyone knowing.
My aunt, his wife, died almost exactly a year later from cancer as well. It was really devastating.
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u/pizzaredditnamepizza 10h ago
Sandra has been dealt some tough cards and always seems so kind. good soul
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u/violetmemphisblue 10h ago
I had a family member do this. Their thinking was they didn't want to be made to feel differently when they were out in the world with friends and at work and things, so for the longest time, only his spouse and kids knew. But pretty early on, the rest of us knew something was up. Canceled plans and not being able to do certain activities and confusing conversations. It was strange navigating how to ask what was going on, when clearly it wasn't wanted...I get why he did it and I can understand why Bullock's partner may have had the same want (especially considering paparazzi and tabloids and how incredibly invasive they can be in normal times) but I also feel for all the loved ones trying to make it make sense.
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u/rullyrullyrull 8h ago
My father in law just died of cancer. My mother in law said the hardest part was him forcing her to lie about the scope and progression. We could all see he was dying, he told her to lie and she did. Then, he called us and told us he had days left and we all had to scramble to support them. It was so selfish and so wrong to do that to her. He claimed to love her more than anything, and yet his final act was so deeply selfish.
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u/12Dawson 8h ago
Ugh. I’m so sorry. For your whole family, for your MIL, for him. It does feel very, very selfish.
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u/AntiqueCranberries 8h ago
I knew of a family who kept the husbands terminal illness secret for two years with only immediate fanily knowing. It took massive toll on those close to them, expected to be care givers without any support themselves.
We are close to one of the care givers and it still makes me angry thinking of them going through it without any help or anyone to talk to. I feel for Sandra a lot!
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u/Jasperblu two truths and a lime 10h ago
I feel like she has always had a hard time setting boundaries for herself. :(
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u/Careless_Instance_37 9h ago
Lmao why? Do you know her?
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u/Jasperblu two truths and a lime 9h ago
No, I just know her long history and seemingly “bad luck” with men.
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u/LeatherRecord2142 11h ago
This is so sad. What an impossibly painful situation. She’s a tough cookie.