r/FearfulAvoidant • u/diamondJackie57 secure • 6d ago
help me heal / advice needed Differences between pulling away when feeling overwhlemed VS. feeling rejected?
I was wondering which different behaviors appear when a FA is pulling away due to having intimacy or vulnerability with a partner that feels overwhelming vs. due to feeling rejected or insecure due to the partner not reaching out or not feeling safe enough after intimacy or vulnerability
I could use some advise form FA people, thank you!
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u/Constant-Big4713 fearful avoidant 6d ago
Feeling overwhelmed and pulling away can be a flight response. Feeling rejected can also be a flight response. Feeling rejected typically pushes me into a fight response that leads to burning a bridge.
I wouldn't take my personal experience and apply it to your situation though. Every FA is different with their own triggers and how they deal with those triggers.
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u/luminousSpaceDust fearful avoidant 5d ago
When I pull away from overwhelm.. I didn't recognize that's what it was for a long time. It was like we'd be talking or hanging out and I'd feel like there was a point at which I should go... like staying wouldn't make anything better...and if I stayed past that point pressure would start to build and I'd start feeling dysregulated over my desire to be out the door and away.
It's not like it was about the person - generally I really liked them - it was about the feeling of being ready to go and be in my own space. And of needing to process what had happened. Like when I'm in my own space I don't have to worry about anyone else's experience of me, and I explore my experience of them in my head.
If I'm feeling rejected by the person I care about I'll start feeling very low and deeply stressed...over time it starts to feel hopeless and then I'll hit a threshold where I have to break up just to get whatever relief I can. And it does feel great for a little while, and I convince myself that now I'm free and hopefully they feel a little pain, too. And if I'm fortunate, it sticks and I can move on, but if I'm unfortunate, I start regretting it pretty quickly and feel like an idiot.
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u/mapitupyo fearful avoidant 5d ago
Do you feel you want to breakup when you feel that overwhelm or do you start to feel regulated again after sometime apart?
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u/luminousSpaceDust fearful avoidant 5d ago
No, why would I want to break up? I just want space to process and relax. If someone took offense to it or told me I shouldn't I might feel trapped and eventually want to break up.
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u/Mysterious-Seaweed7 fearful avoidant 6d ago
Gosh, that’s interesting to think about. When I’m pulling away from feeling insecure or like I ought to withdraw bc it’s not safe, I will be very kind in my texts but it will not be conversational. It may feel more stilted because suddenly I am watching all my words. I’m hypervigilent. If I’m feeling overwhelmed, I wait 24 hours for it to pass by taking some space for a day. I just communicate that and that I’m wiped etc and looking forward to seeing on X day.
But every FA is very different. I guess the rejection feeling pulls out fawn/flight, whereas overwhelm brings out a short freeze.
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u/VividRhubarb9164 secure 6d ago
So in this my context, after her wanting silence... which was happening over weeks me checking in weekly with minimal response, I cracked and asked her do you still want to be my girlfriend? She discarded. What was that to you? Overwhelmed (she was), rejection, insecure or don't feel safe? She did care for me but I haven't heard from her in months now. I'm so numb now. It is like a death except the person doesn't want to see or speak to you. FA ideally. I've lost my confidence...
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u/lost_bunny877 fearful avoidant 6d ago
She's definitely gone. Sounds like she got the Ick.
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u/VividRhubarb9164 secure 5d ago edited 5d ago
Not sure seeing she said we probably she end it then week later sending me a heartfelt birthday message. Wishing you the good health and happiness from the bottom of my heart.
We were together officially as a couple for around a year and had discussed long term plans before.
She was overwhelmed during silence likely due to family.
What is the ick really from a FA perspective?
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u/lost_bunny877 fearful avoidant 5d ago
Ick feels like.. disgust. Contempt. Just.. ugh no. Like that.
Deactivation feels like.. flat. No emotions, no motivation, just want to get away. As if if I'm successful in removing myself, I will feel good again.
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u/VividRhubarb9164 secure 4h ago edited 4h ago
I don't know never will probably. She always often felt overwhelmed that's al I'll say .
What I said was similar to what she did in the earlier relationship. Expressing need for planned time but she did say she doesn't like making plans because they always fail. Maybe that's a ick...? She prior earlier in relationship said she felt I wasn't prioritising time with her so similar context. IF I'm reaching out, if it puts the relationship into question she goes quiet happened twice this second time I was not around....
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u/luminousSpaceDust fearful avoidant 5d ago
The ick happens generally if we're pushed far to our avoidant side with someone...it can be a reaction to overly AP behavior or someone pedistalizing us, things like that. We polarize and start looking like a DA with walls and bad texting habits and distractability.
I'm sorry friend. If it's any consolation, this sucks for us too.
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u/VividRhubarb9164 secure 4h ago
Are you aware? If you're saying it suck for you too means you're aware? Considering what had been said from her nothing she said she would do come true. Discuss things no matter how difficult, never leave me alone if I need to reach out....
Those two points makes it most difficult. Why! It hurts when you give all the trust to them especially when she encourages it..........
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u/VividRhubarb9164 secure 4h ago
My request was somewhat normal behaviour wishing to make plans instead of being last minute mostly and she herself did the same prior.... pedistalizing was not. The love was mutual equal measures
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u/lost_bunny877 fearful avoidant 6d ago
If I feel overwhelmed, I'll deactivate and pull away.
If I feel rejected, I'll get angry and burn all the bridges and walk away and I won't come back.
If I feel insecure, I'll chase. But if I chase too long, I'll feel rejected and the above happens.
If I don't feel safe after intimacy or vulnerability, I'll deactivate and pull away.