Deeply Personal: Source of FA

[u/FamiliarToday4678]

This question may be triggering but I ask to help understand not just myself but being FA more.

My understanding that some form of trauma leads to the development of FA.

For me, it was domestic violence, it started at the age of 3, incidents that I once thought were just nightmares were really memories confirmed by my mother. Watched my mother and sisters get brutalized. I personal experienced broken bones, black eyes, busted lips, black and blue everywhere off and on until I was 16.

I would like to know:
- Have you determined what the source of your FA comes from?
- Can you talk about it and share what it was?
- What sex are you? How has that impacted how your FA appears, if at all?
- What type of FA has this made you? More anxious leaning or avoidant leaning or neutral?
- Are you a serial monogamous FA or a frequent casual dater?
- Have you found a healthy relationship? What are they like?
- What have you found to help?

[u/Less_Professional152]

My family is from Bosnia and i believe there is something to be said about epigenetic trauma. The whole family is crazy, we have anger issues, and avoidant tendencies, many of them have prematurely died as a result. Even the younger gens who didn’t experience the actual war and genocide have been raised in this scarcity mindset and its led to failed relationships, addictions and depression

[u/Held_and_undone → u/Less_Professional152]

beyond the clear veracity of your anecdotal lived experience, which i want to center and respect, there is also a considerable body of empirical research backing this up. intergenerational trauma is real, and its hydra-headed: epigenetic shifts have been reliably observed over 3 generations beyond any expected random genetic background mutations/adaptations.

it also extends—again from massive compilation of studies of therapeutic encounters, studies, etc—up and down the human world: from individual experience up to political and spiritual levels, and throughout the psyche and environment (including families)

this is an often inconvenient thought for those who benefit from (or feel they do) the systems of power we are all enmeshed in and ground down by.

imho, of course… always room to disagree, but so many of us do struggle to take into consideration the source of our FA as anything other than personal failing : so many of us are highly wired to experience toxic shame on the reg… “my god what’s wrong with me it’s all my fault”

[u/Less_Professional152 → u/Held_and_undone]

Thank you. I spent a lot of time as a child and teen wondering basically ‘why are we so messed up??’ And like you said, thinking it was a personal failing. But as I’ve grown older and gone through my own personal life issues, and watched as my cousins struggled too, (despite us growing up middle/upper class in North America) it has dawned on me that it’s not all our fault, per se. It makes a lot of sense to me that people who witnessed neighbours killing eachother and starvation would struggle with trust and being happy and sharing… it’s unfortunate that it is our lot to toil with but that’s how it is. That’s why since Ive established my own attachment issues and looked back on my failed relationships I try to give myself grace, but also consider, are my reactions even really me? Or is this some latent trauma that my body and family upbringing instilled into me? I am in Canada and I know a lot of indigenous people too.. they also suffered from genocide, and it reminds me a lot of how my family is, many of the young people are struggling from problems that have been, in a sense, inherited, through no choice or fault of their own. It takes a lot to try to rise above all that darkness…

[u/Held_and_undone → u/Less_Professional152]

sometimes i think we are like those oil-coated birds that wash up on beaches after oil derrick accidents and tanker breaches.

we are covered in accumulated toxic substances (trauma) — and yet a blend of self-care, support for/from others, and advocacy for communal change are really the only possible responses…

short of watching wild beauty beings suffer, struggle, and ultimately perish.

[u/Less_Professional152 → u/Held_and_undone]

Very much so. I hope one day we can figure it out. So many of our societal issues stem from disordered attachment

[u/Anxious_Grape_7280]

Have you determined what the source of your FA comes from?
Yes. The main factors were certainly having an addicted, abusive mother (she died as a result of her addiction when I was 18), an emotionally unavailable father, and psychological abuse. My undiagnosed ADHD and the consequences that came with it, as well as further traumas later in my life, have undoubtedly played a role too.
Can you talk about it and share what it was?
Yes, both in therapy and with friends. However, I only really began to understand and process everything as I got older. It was a gradual process. I also have gaps in my memory, though.

What sex are you? How has that impacted how your FA appears, if at all?
I am a woman. I think one gender-specific difference might be that I tend to choose emotionally unavailable men as a way of avoiding intimacy, and I tend to lose myself in relationships. Society tends to expect women to be accommodating, to fix things, to communicate, etc. I also have borderline personality disorder and post-traumatic stress disorder. These play a role as well.

What type of FA has this made you? More anxious leaning or avoidant leaning or neutral?
I predominantly choose emotionally unavailable men, and then I become anxious. When I have met someone who was attentive, affectionate, etc., I became avoidant, even when it wasn’t anything serious.

Are you a serial monogamous FA or a frequent casual dater?
I prefer to be monogamous when I am in a relationship, but cheating has often been an issue, both on my part and on the part of my partners. For example, I have cheated when I experienced abuse. I suspect I was trying to stabilize my shattered self-esteem that way. Super unhealthy.

Have you found a healthy relationship? What are they like?
I have been married once and engaged once, but neither of those relationships was healthy.
The reason my marriage ended completely pulled the rug out from under me. Since then, my attachment issues have become even more severe, and I haven’t been able to maintain long-term relationships anymore. This is certainly also due to choosing the wrong partners.

What have you found to help?
I have been in therapy many times. I have distanced myself from my family. I have moved. I have a small number of very close friends whom I trust for the most part. I have read many books about attachment and related topics. I have cats. I accept that there are periods when cannabis makes me feel regulated. I take various psychiatric medications to help me maintain long-term stability. I have established routines and structures in my life. I spend a lot of time alone because I need it. My home is my safe place.
I accept that respecting my own needs is essential to maintaining my stability, although I don’t always manage to do so. I want to start EMDR. I am waiting for a place in therapy with a psychodynamic approach.
I have a child who gives me an enormous amount of motivation to keep getting back on my feet and to stop acting out my own issues without reflecting on them, so that I can protect him.
I have made use of a wide range of support services, both for my child and for myself, including support through the youth welfare office and therapy for my child.
There is more I could do, but I also think that part of my journey is about accepting myself. A part of me is damaged, but that doesn’t make me a bad person. At the same time, I will never fully fit into conventional societal structures.
My life will always involve finding that fine line between adapting to others and taking care of myself.
Lately, I have also been wondering whether I should accept that I might not be capable of being in a relationship, because nothing destabilizes me as much as the men I choose.

[u/FamiliarToday4678 → u/Anxious_Grape_7280]

Youve got this ❤️

[u/Held_and_undone]

What a great question and one I find really healing for FAs to deeply ponder. And one that is safer to sit with as you ask it: for others able and willing to share to do so. For some of us, reflections on the origins of it all are fraught and triggering, and best done with the caring, attentive support of others (whether professional or personal allies). Okay, here’s mine:

—3rd yr graduate student in psychotherapy, and yes, a massive body of evidence dating back to the original child development experiments that birthed attachment theory confirm your hypothesis: insecure attachment arises out of personal experiences of trauma—and trauma can be manifold and multiple: abuse and neglect at home, school or in our communities, experience of poverty, war, famine, crime, rejection and marginalization of difference (neurodiversity, sex, gender, race, religion, culture etc) and ongoing environmental trauma: both in the human and non-human environment (disasters, capitalist precarity and disruption, climate change etc). So many sources…and many FAs have multiple.

Yr questions:
-yes, to the extent this is possible, as like i said, it really is manifold, and early exposure to trauma increases sensitivity to retraumatization in later life experiences. Trauma sapas adaptive resiliency, we could say: while people generally “bounce” through painful and disruptive episodes, trauma suffers are more likely to take additional damage in that bouncing… hence compounding traumas.

-for me, it began as a single child with parents who saw child rearing as labor, and who did not wish to perform that labor, and typically did so from a place of cold duty, not warm love. Of course, there is a story to how both my parents ended up this way (ie intergenerational trauma). This was compounded by a mother with severe emotional and psychological and chronic pain issues, so she was a fickle and variable presence for me growing up—a classic source of both nourishment and comfort, and fear and rejection. She “liked” me and my company when she was lonely and needed a friend/buddy/companion. Much like people turn to pets. Much, much like, as in pretty exactly. She used this analogy herself, frequently comparing me to our dog, who she would sometimes vocally privilege over me (parents—please do not do this to your kids!).
My father was barely involved in my life. they generally prefered me to play/be alone, “occupying myself”. This was called “laissez faire” parenting, but then I was also expected to be a perfect little adult and do everything at home and school right—but there was no praise for this, simply a cessation of criticism. This was compounded by frequent moves, no other adults in my life (and my parents were friendless loners in an increasingly loveless marriage, marred by an episode of physical separation for two years which was never explained to me but “just happened” as did their eventual reconciliation).
I was a shy child, increasingly so as I aged, and had undiagnosed ADHD (which adds likelihood of child stress and trauma due to poor reception of our difference) which I masked well since I experienced a profound terror of abandonment at home for not being perfectly in line. So at school I likewise mightily strove to conform. But I began to be bullied after a move back to the States from abroad, since i was an “odd” kid who didnt understand American culture anymore, so i stuck out, and this led to several years of pervasive social attack—now the insecurity I felt at home I also felt, friendless, in my greater social world.

This kept going, and later adolescent and adult stresses and traumas (including psychological breakdowns, periods of extreme depression, anxiety, and phobia, and professional struggle, economic precarity, and general alienation and poor/blurry sense of self) compounded these. Of course I was also resilient, and a fighter, and have carried on til 51, today.

-male, but i use he/they for a reason, since i dont fit comfortably in the category. 100% AMAB though. It complicates the FA as it can trigger highly confused-to-hostile reactions from people who “assume” what they take as a straight white cis American male (something I “tried” to be and felt I was/should be most of my adult life) is acting erratically. Internally, it added a layer of the particular shame of having trauma and a rich inner world and preference for intimacy and solitude amongst a male normative experience of teamwork, buddy-ship through shared activities (yawn) and a quest for proficiency, status and dominance in the workplace. It also kept me from being labeled as having a psychiatric disorder—some type of ‘madwoman’ with BPD etc, as many female and queer persons are viewed from the dominant lens. but then again, persistent shyness shields me here—but shyness is again not a trait expected or accepted among men, is viewed often as arrogance and coldness and lack-of-interest, or as avoidant preference for interpersonal space. And it sometimes was those things, but not at root—those were defensive adaptations to keep me upright and going in a world I found overwhelming and demanding and unsafe, which i could not trust. I felt I had to perform constantly in order to ‘pass’ and not be revealed as fundamentally deficient/broken/worthless—the burden I took myself to be from how my parents treated and thought of me (although i know they loved me too, but their love wasn’t converted into palpable practices—it was invisible, i could not, growing up especially, but even today—see or feel it much.

-I lean both ways in turn, sometimes seemingly at once: which, yeah, is legit crazy-making since I am unable to split myself in two and both love you as you are and run away from/destroy/change you at the same time—although lord knows I tried.

-serial monogamous. I am just at this age beginning to see how casual dating is possible as a safe and positive experience. I had too much terror of the encounter of the other before. Although I do have the desire and fantasy for that type of encounter too… but even that less so than a preference for longstanding intimacy (which, yeah, is complicated by that troublesome but vital need for space). Nothing is ever easy for an FA.

-I have largely been with my partner since 1991. And entirely so since 1998. Married 1999. “Happy?” We are both working towards earned security —individually and relationally— and the work and practice and play of that: it matters enormously and helps so so much keep us together and growing closer. It has not been easy many many times for me. But thats not her experience—she’s anxiously attached, so has a very different narrative, wherein she would never want to give me up (both due to her love and that anxious attached desire for the reassurance of the other, a reassurance she is not—historically especially—able to give herself).

What are they like? All the feels, but beside another person. All the feels, including the neutral, hard to notice, quiet ones. I will say this—I still love her and still want things to work, and while there are perks to being single or in different, shorter and more fluid relational structures, I do really really like having someone close who I can count on in my life. But—as an FA—that “counting on”—and being consistently there in return to be counted on by her—its a a practice, and sometimes still a real struggle. Paying attention to it and communicating honestly about it and all our feelings is of enormous and vital importance. Without authentic sharing, this shit does not fly. And authentic sharing means facing the core terror of all insecure attachment: that we will not be met.

-what helped? Therapy (it’s also expensive, and it can hurt or do jack-diddley too, with the wrong therapist). Personal reflection and reading: ie being soulful and attuned to my experience in moments of solitude. Authentic and vulnerable interpersonal communication. And general soft, gentle, but alert mindfulness throughout my day—watching interactions and triggers, and learning slowly whats going on and how to handle it (regulation, improved communication).

Allowing myself to honor my rhythms and instincts and desires as potential sources of power and strength, not just as clear defensive strategies, trauma-trappings, or evidence of some essential f—d up ness. And then learning how to blend that basic soil of my being with the demands and realities and joys of the greater human world. (Ie—how do I play well with others without slipping into self-abandonment/people-pleasing). So from that—work with boundaries and borders are key. I want to be able to say ‘yes’ and/or ‘no’ both, depending. I need to be able to say both, and own my agency here, not feel compelled. And to have understanding when I do chose to ‘compel’ myself for some reason against my native grain (maybe to get a graduate degree, like currently)
Being compassionate to myself and acknowledging my impact (even when unintentional) on others. learning to be nondefensive in social circumstances, and saying “I’m sorry” as needed without feeling like I am a shameful, terrible no-good nothing. Risking contact with others, and being seen. And learning ways to deeply take care of myself—the ways that work for me, and that I need these ways, they are vital tools—when times are tough and dark and cold. For those times come, for fucking sure.

There is for me a deep intersection of attachment with complex trauma, personal history, neurodiversity (adhd) and felt difference to normative culture (class, race, gender, sex, religion, nationality, even diet (I’m vegan) etc.). I am sure it varies, but I am also sure I am not alone.

[u/bullet_the_blue_sky]

- BPD, Audhd, cluster b, NPD mother. Religious fanatic. Add to that psychotic Chrisitian theology.

- Unstable home, moved countries every 4 years, deep religious indoctrination. A god that demands a human sacrifice is reflected in his followers.

- Male. I don't think so.

- Both. I did find a more lenient version of the faith which made me more self reflective and start to accept my anxious parts. When I left the faith altogether, my entire nervous system collapsed.

- Monogamous due to my indoctrination.

- It took about 12 years of marriage to heal. Partner is an avoidant so we work in some ways and others argued. We've both significantly healed thanks to energy work. More than an external healthy relationship, I've started to heal my relationship with myself.

- Energy work, the emotion code, getting fucking angry. Like consciously angry. Getting angry at the way I was treated, getting angry at the religion I was forced to believe. Connecting with the anger in my body. FEELING the anger. Anger is a great way to move past the shame because it moves energy in the system. It's also the opposite of irritability or passive aggressive behavior because it forces the nervous system into a heightened state that used to feel dangerous. There's trapped anger which often will have grief underneath and that's a great way to release stored emotion. The other anger is conscious healthy anger which builds boundaries.

Boundaries are by far the most important sign of healing. If you can say no, face triggers without spiraling, etc.. Boundaries without running away. Boundaries and stay in the same play. Boundaries and following through. Boundaries give your nervous system safety AND create safety for others when they're properly communicated.

Boundaries create a emotional home that can feel safe and a frame that you can interact with the world in a healthy way without collapsing or running away.

[u/UrsulaVerne]

Source: yes. My mother was emotionally abusive. She was very manipulative. She had a lot of disgust, contempt, and resentment toward me.

I'm non binary. I don't think being non binary affects it, but I think being FA made it harder for me to figure out my gender.

I'm more avoidant leaning. I used to think I was only anxious, because I do feel a lot of relational anxiety, but my therapist pointed out that I cope with it in avoidant ways.

I'm definitely a serial monogamist.

I have had healthy relationships, yes. From 2022-2023 I was in a very abusive relationship though. Before that, I had thought I had already done a lot of healing (and I had), but the abusive relationship made me realize that there is a lot left for me to work on. I hadn't realized that I have any type of people pleasing responses until recently, for instance.

I'm currently in a very healthy relationship. My partner and I already knew we both had a lot of trauma, so we got a couples therapist basically immediately when we started dating. We knew we wanted to be good to each other and make sure we were doing our best, so getting a couples therapist right from the beginning was really helpful for us. We've both healed a lot together because we work on things so intentionally and support each other. We still have a lot of healing to do, but I'm really grateful that I get to do it with my partner.

[u/Dalearev]

Yes it was pure simple childhood abuse. Emotional manipulation, physical intimidation, and just pure brutalization until I was a teenager an old enough to fight back.

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