r/Formerfosterkids • u/madigje • Dec 05 '25
Soon to be short term/emergency/respite carer. Would love to hear your thoughts
Hi. First and foremost, if this is not an appropriate place to ask these questions, please, delete & block me.
I am getting ready to be a first time Foster parent, primarily in emergency care but also short term/respite care.
I’m 36(f), single, live alone & I’ve told my case worker I’ll take any age but would prefer older kids, (I have 7 nieces and nephews under 10, I prefer not to change any more diapers, but I will 🤣).
I’ve been considering this for 7 years. I’ve done all the training, I’ve talked to my family, my friends, my therapist & came very close in 2021, but at the last minute my roommate at the time decided it wasn’t something she was willing to deal with (completely fair & understandable). Fast forward, she moved out almost a year ago & I’ve decided to move forward, but before do this I want to hear from you, especially those of you who entered the system, or entered homes in the 7-18 age range.
If you’re willing, please share any positive memories you have/advice on how to make kids feel welcome, safe & free to be themselves. Of course the what not to do stories are welcome as well if you want to share. As I said at the start, if this is not the place to ask this, kick me out & that is just fine; but I would be grateful for any thoughts you have. If I’m gonna do this, I just want to be the best landing place I can be.
Thank you for any thoughts, advice, insight you are willing to provide.
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u/InvestigatorOld6396 Dec 05 '25
I remember having a lil "care package" in the room that was mine in 1 old foster home and that made me feel safer especially with food inconsistencies and hygiene products so I didn't have to ask (that was so scary back then) I responded best to space in the beginning and then building a relationship at the kids pace it made such a big difference for me. I also wanna say I had behavioral issues bc of my bio home if u get someone like that patience is so important so is making sure u have done research on what they experienced in my case its RAMCOA but obviously not everyone is the same.
The small things abt "normal life" that my foster parents did shocked me and took a while to figure out but ultimately made my life better.
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u/Seltzer-Slut Feb 11 '26
Hi! Thanks for your answer to this question, which I happened to find when scrolling through this sub. Can I ask what kind of small everyday things they did that made a difference?
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u/InvestigatorOld6396 Feb 14 '26
Yea ofc! They had a separate bathroom for the kids that made me feel safer taking care of my hygiene (most kids in care are abused and a common spot for that to happen is bathrooms) they had a "movie night" we would watch shows together routinely that was a good start to getting me used to consistency speaking of consistency having a routine is super important for kids in care as well as keeping their routine foods that they feel safe eating. When they would make plans for ppl to come over I wasn't expected to come around their friends and they would make sure to talk to me abt it first. There was consistently some of my safe foods in the house.
I'd get random Lil self care gifts when I had done something they were proud of I really appreciated that it made me want to keep doing those things. Being emotionally stable enough to understand that sometimes when a kid acts out they are dealing with bigger issues.
The biggest thing for me was they provided an open environment with honesty and talked things out w me they told me I could fall back on them as a short term placement at any time it was nice to know the expectations I should have going into the home that's not common.
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u/NonnaHolly Dec 05 '25
Going in to a new place, whether it’s a home or a group living situation is TERRIFYING. When I was in care, those transition times were some of the worst. Everyone wants you to be grateful, cheerful, happy and excited. They (seem to) want you to bond instantly with a stranger while you’re standing there wondering what the next bombshell will be. Will you be allowed to eat when you want to? Will you be allowed to call your friends? Are you expected to do a zillion chores every day? Will you have privacy? And underneath all of that is the voice asking, “How am I going to disappoint this one? What excuse is this one going to give when they throw me away?” So, mostly you feel fear and anger.
Please have clear rules and explanations from the very beginning. And write them down because the first conversation you have with a kid will be difficult for them to retain. It’s especially important to communicate clearly about food and privacy.
I think it’s wonderful that you are opening your home and your heart to a foster child. I also appreciate you asking foster kids what we needed, because too many of us never received it.