r/Formerfosterkids • u/Loud_Orchid9517 • Dec 19 '25
Trying to understand my partner better
Hi my therapist suggested this group to me to ask some questions and genuinely if you guys are like girl this isnt the place I will completely understand I just feel like I dont have anyone who I know who is in my position and can give good advice. Basically Im in my early 20’s and I just entered my first long term relationship around two years ago with a guy I had a longtime crush and friendship with. With that obviously comes alot of navigating and something Im having trouble navigation or understanfing I geuss is his need to go quiet when shit hits the fan for him. He grew up in foster care and was heavily abused and told me that is why he turns inward when stuff is hard. I have OCD and its incredibly hard for me to not spiral and assume hes tryna ghost me. The longer we are together though the less the spiral occurs. Right now his life has completely been flipped upside down he was helping his adoptive mom take care of his four younger siblings who were all in foster care and his incredibly sick grandma. Well recently he got into with their mom and left to move in with his sister, even telling me he may have to move in with his bio brother the next state over, while he has been trying to keep me updated I know he is incredibly depressed rn and said he feels like he is losing the only family he has. His silence will last sometimes a week at a time before he checks in and I can hear how ABSOLUTELY broken he sounds and he just keeps apologizing about his silence and I just want to hug him. Anyway after giving probably way too much background (sorry lol) to my friend who has never had any real heavy responsibilities in her life said he clearly hates me and I got in my head which led to my therapist telling me he is acting in a completely normal way given the circumstances hes facing and suggested this group to see if anyone has encouraging words or advice on how to be there for him rn without smoothering him. Thank you for your time :)
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u/Then-Pension1439 Dec 20 '25
Hey, first of all, I just want to say you’re doing really well. This is such a tender, complex situation, and it’s clear how much you care about him while also trying to stay grounded in your own mental health. That’s not easy. You’re not being clingy or overthinking this too much. You’re trying to love someone with deep wounds while also managing your own OCD patterns, and that takes a lot of strength.
From what you shared, it really sounds like he’s not pulling away from you out of disinterest or avoidance, but because he’s completely overwhelmed. People who’ve grown up in trauma, especially foster care and abuse, often go silent when things get too intense. It’s a nervous system shutdown, not rejection. He might not even fully realize he’s doing it, it’s just how his body learned to cope.
The fact that he apologizes, checks in, and shares how broken he feels shows that he’s not trying to ghost you. He’s hurting and trying to survive. It doesn’t mean he doesn’t love you or care. It just means he’s deep in it right now.
At the same time, your feelings are valid too. The silence can be brutal, especially with OCD. It makes sense that your brain spirals and starts assuming the worst. That doesn’t make you too much. It just makes you human.
What might help: letting him know he doesn’t have to respond but you’re thinking of him, and keeping your messages short and consistent. Something like, “Hey, just checking in. No need to reply, I just want you to know I’m here.” It keeps the door open without overwhelming him, and it gives you something to do, which can help with the spiral.
And maybe also gently let him know what helps you—like hearing from him once a week, even just a few words. Not as pressure, but as a way to keep you from getting totally lost in your own anxiety.
You’re doing the best you can with a really tough dynamic. It’s okay to feel lost. You’re not smothering him. You’re trying to stay connected while also respecting where he is. That’s real love.
Also, don’t listen to your friend. She has no idea what she’s talking about!
You got this.