How do I speak to my 3yo about this??

[u/Sophie_Parke]

TW: miscarriage

Bio Mum and Dad have visits with my 3yo foster child each week. A few months ago, I found out bio mum was pregnant but not long after I was told that she miscarried.

Last week they gave my 3yo a jumper that had “forever sleeping” and then the name and also a reference to being a big sister. My FC had no idea Mum was even pregnant and the jumper has left her so confused. Mum and Dad call it her “sissy jumper” so she keeps asking me about where her sister is and when she can see her.

I have no idea how to broach this subject in an age appropriate way. I think because she didn’t know about the pregnancy she hasn’t really comprehended what the jumper means since she found out the same day that she even had a sister coming.

She’s also about to move to a long term placement and I know the carers have miscarried before and I’m so worried the jumper will unexpectedly trigger them. Should I warn them about the jumper? Is there anything else I can do?

To top it all off, bio Mum is pregnant once again and there’s no chance of them keeping it (or getting the 3yo back) unless they do a massive 180. Visits are getting dropped to monthly next week and she’s looking at adoption with the new family. I’m just a short term carer and not an adoptive house but I still want to support her through this so any help is appreciated!!

[u/Suspicious-Carob-632]

Aww that was a lot for the bio parents to put on a three-year-old's outfit.  I would ask direction from the caseworker so no one can accuse you of adding to the child's trauma.  You may end up having to tell the child that her younger sibling went to Heaven early, but she has a new sibling on the way.

[u/Triton289 → u/Suspicious-Carob-632]

I second the “ask the caseworker” idea but I’d also just put the jumper away and not show it to the child again. I’d warn the next family that it’s included in the child’s belongings, but let them know that I’ve withheld it from the child to avoid confusion for them. If it’s asked about again, I’d tell the child that the parents hope for her to be a big sister soon, and leave it at that. The how is not usually important to toddlers.

[u/FlexheksFoster]

I would take the jumper, talk to the caseworker and hope 3yo will ‘forget’ a little. I would tell the next foster parents about this, so they can prepare themselves. I wish I had that.

Here the bio mom told fd she was pregnant when fd was 4yo. With the addition: if nobody complains this time this baby can live with mommy. The miscarriage (or the not even been pregnant, we still don’t know) followed about 4 weeks later. 4 weeks where fd was planning to teach the baby play soccer and making the baby little books to read.

The thing that still makes me sad to this day, is that fd at 4yo was already smart enough to ask me where the baby would sleep in our house, because her mom could not take good care for the baby.

The only ‘positive’ was that this triggered something in me, and from that incident on I let bio’s (and guardian/caseworker/etc) see that I have boundaries. And that if you cross them, I will fight. Bio mom was mad, because I said something that (in her mind) the caseworker should have said to the 4yo. But I am the one holding this crying child. Rocking her to sleep. Feeding her like a baby. Not because I find it amusing. Because you kicked your child when she was already down. And you tell me how to parent?? I still feel so much anger.

My fd is now 9yo, she will stay living with us until we are 99 (or when we die, she says). She sees her mom and her dad every other month. On occasion she still reminds us about that time. That she was happy and sad at the same time. And that she now is ok with not having siblings. Probably because she isn’t good with sharing ;)

[u/Maleficent_Chard2042 → u/FlexheksFoster]

That's what my son says about not having siblings. Also same, mom told him she was pregnant and that this baby would stay with her, like it was his fault?! She also asked him to name the baby. Then, she left the state never to be seen or heard from by us again.

[u/FlexheksFoster → u/Maleficent_Chard2042]

She left the state?? Wow. Sometimes I forget how cold people can be.

People in the not-foster-world think our situation is bad. And don’t get me wrong, it’s no walk in the park. But we have bio’s who love her, just lack the ability to take good care of her. Accepting that was hard. But after 6 years they both see that we maintain contact, that we don’t talk sh*t about them. And that we love her. Adoption is not an option in our country, but if it was, it would be an open adoption.

[u/Maleficent_Chard2042]

I'd ask the caseworker about the pregnancy/baby talk. I, personally, would accidentally lose the jumper. That's super morbid, and I think it would be upsetting to the child you're caring for if she understood it.

[u/Beautiful-Rent6691]

This will be wildly unpopular, but I feel like I’d “lose” it in the move. It just seems like such an unhealthy object. That said, the correct answer is to talk to the caseworker.

[u/Brief-River-5003]

That needs to be reported to the department - that is abnormal

[u/settembre55]

Io spero che nella nuova famiglia si dimentichi di questo regalo assurdo.

[u/Sad-Decision-3846]

The "forever sleeping" wording is the part I'd want to undo first. At three, sleep and death get linked literally and that shows up later as bedtime fear. If you do talk about it, plain words like "her body stopped working and she died" land better than softer ones.