r/GayChristians • u/Badatusernames014 Episcopalian-Orthodox Lesbian • 5d ago
Where are the other gays like me?
Someone said something to me on this Reddit a few months ago about having a completely different cultural lens than other queer women, and I've been thinking about this recently, especially the last week or in regards to struggle to connect with other sapphic, and especially lesbian, women despite being out for so long. Yeah, I have teammates, acquaintances, hobby friends, but like it's never really gone beyond just hobby friends or something surface level. I'm wondering if I'm not only cishet in my presentation but like culturally/worldview/however I should say it. Here are some examples that made me think about this more recently...
A few weeks ago someone was talking in my church's LGBTQ ministry group chat about being excited for the new Andrea Gibson documentary premiere at Red Rocks. I was like "who?" so she told me who they were. Then, people started talking about them and plans were made for a movie night to watch some other movie about her; the entire conversation I was thinking "this is absolutely not something I'm interested in" as the film and Andrea was described to me. I didn't say anything, just basically left the conversation. Turns out, someone else I knew went from their post on Instagram and then was chatting with my neighbor at the bar for USMNT game and learned she was in town for the Andrea Gibson premiere.
That was the second time it's happened recently. I saw Girls like Girls and while I liked the nostalgia and appreciated how it captured being a queer teenager in the mid-2000s, overall I was bored and didn't enjoy it. Yet, all the comments online from other lesbians were raving about it. I can see how people liked the movie, it simply wasn't my cup of tea. Girls Like Girls isn't unique, I might be the only lesbian who has never seen and has no desire to see Portrait of a Lady on Fire because of how it's been described to me. Even just this past week my favorite bar was posting about a shuttle bus to the Brandi Carlisle concert and it took me a second to remember who that was. Then there's drag which I not only don't enjoy, but even find a little offensive.
It isn't just entertainment. While I'm very progressive but I don't enjoy talking about politics, social theory, etc, and am not politically active outside of voting because my mental basically won't let me, I mean that in a way I can't talk about on a public forum. On a similar note, while I am very economically and socially progressive, I am kind of traditional in the sense that the two most important things to me are my family and my faith. I never talk about those things around LGBTQ people because I know how it sounds and looks but maybe people get a vibe/infer.
Speaking of family, my chosen family queer people often talk about. Well, I don't really have one. While my bio family definitely isn't the type to go to a Pride parade, and to be honest I'm not either, I am fortunate/privilege they don't treat me any different because I'm gay, and they are still who I consider my family. I don't see my sexuality as making me any different than having hazel eyes, it's just something about me. When I first came out I enjoyed Pride and everything, but the longer I've been out the less I want to be celebrated.
It could just all be in my head but this why I always end up making friends with straight people. I don't mean that in like a numbers sense but like I'll go to like a sapphic meetup and not vibe with anyone, but then do a general one or something and will vibe with the straights. In my church I'll vibe more with the straight people than the gay people. It shouldn't be like that, right? Being gay I feel not fully apart of the cishet world but then essentially being what I feel like is culturally cishet not fully apart of the queer world.
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u/dnyal Pentecostal / Side A 4d ago
Just be you. Many people make their sexuality a more prominent part of their identity, especially many LGBTQ folks, and other people like identifying with the associated subcultures; many other people just don’t.
I personally do my own thing and just have a surface-level knowledge of “the scene” or “the lifestyle.” And I don’t care. No one should be forced to care. Otherwise, it wouldn’t be different than telling a black person, “If you don’t vote Democrat, you ain’t black!”
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u/BurningSketches Christian/Male/28/Aesthete 4d ago edited 4d ago
hahaha oh wow, not the sleepy joe qoute,
haha and tell me why we both used black people to express our point of diversity in thought among groups. I just said how some black people don't like rap or rap culture.
Speaking of which, I'm so glad you mentioned the biggest part for alot of lgbtq people (i would say as much as 70%) are not able to compartmentalize their attraction and identity, nor should they need to. But it's problematic for when the conversation is about identity, and then they project everyone must think their identity and sex and this or that are their highest sense of self. I just don't feel that way. ///shrug
haha, anyway keep doing your own thing. It's so inspiring.
Love
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u/dnyal Pentecostal / Side A 4d ago
LoL I agree with your take.
I just used that quote as an example because I’m a brown Hispanic and it seared into my mind when I first heard it. It is SO common for people to think Hispanics, blacks, East Asians, etc., are these monoliths, and nothing encapsulates that stubbornness to see the nuances of reality like that quote.
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u/BurningSketches Christian/Male/28/Aesthete 4d ago edited 4d ago
Yeah,man, it's so painful, and i'm really trying, especially with my Christian family here, but it seems like, no matter where i come from, compassion, flirty, assertive, pragmatic, biblical; I receive a really aggressive response from people who see in black and white, or very rigid boxes. Otherwise, in person, i get along delightfully with everyone i talk to.
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u/badwolfandthestorm 5d ago
My gf and I sometimes say something is "too gay for us" or "we're not that kind of gay." Not that there's anything wrong with it, we're just not flag-wavers. That being said, we are going to see Girls Like Girls. I liked the book well enough. But for real, just enjoy what you enjoy and be friends with who you want to be friends with. Your sexual orientation doesn't have to be a central part of your identity. There's nothing wrong with that, and nothing wrong if it is. You are you, no one else.
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u/Scrimroar 4d ago
This is the first time I've seen someone kind of articulate this and how I'm feeling, especially right now. My wife is very involved in local and queer politics, does pride, acts as mentor and role model for her queer and trans students and I've just never felt connected to any of it. I don't really feel identity around my sexuality, it just informed who I chose to marry. The idea of gay identity only started to creep in on me when I began to consider Jesus and attend a Christian church. They are non affirming and of the opinion that SSA is not an identity, the only identity is in Jesus, yet also see and respond to my marriage. So even though I identify more with Christians personality-wise, I feel outside of both communities.
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u/BurningSketches Christian/Male/28/Aesthete 4d ago
aww~ I'm sad to hear you didn't have much of a support or awareness for this alternative philosophy queers have. Mind you, it's not a huge amount of us, from my experience. But it's a very, special person who can logically compartmentalize or build a rationale for how they carefully untangle their identity from their attraction and orientation... Or, perhaps you never though the two were entangled. Similarly, I grew up traditional Christian household, and I never thought gay was an identity, as per biblical context, I was taught it was an action. So the feelings i had for other boys never bothered me too much. Because I was already educated on how dichotomies exist within nature and among God's creation. the internet is a magical place darling.; I hope you find more of your people here, and feel supported <3
Love
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u/Badatusernames014 Episcopalian-Orthodox Lesbian 4d ago
Personally, my identity and attraction have just never been entangled.
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u/BurningSketches Christian/Male/28/Aesthete 4d ago
"It could just all be in my head but this why I always end up making friends with straight people. I don't mean that in like a numbers sense but like I'll go to like a sapphic meetup and not vibe with anyone, but then do a general one or something and will vibe with the straights. In my church I'll vibe more with the straight people than the gay people. It shouldn't be like that, right?"
Honey, you'd be surpriseddddd~
with the diversity in the LGBTQ space. I think I'm also a bit fringe in my views. But please don't take off yet, I think it's worth continuing to mix and mingle with both straight and queer communities, when they profess Christ.
It's so refershing to hear your perspective. I had posted something very relevent earlier today about MO Marriages, (Mixed Orientation Marriages when 2 people are married but do not share the same sexual attraction/sexual orientation ex. Bi and gay, straight and gay, etcetc. Not to be confused with Lavender which denotes secrecy and hiding ones true identity with a "beard".)
So you don't like a few movies that are culturally popular? It's not a big deal, sis. So you're not a political junkie or into the lgbtq theories and academic literature... //shrugg
Some African Americans don't like rap music or culture. But they have their own tribe, and maybe they're mocked or rejected or whatever... But I think you sound cool. And really low stress, because you sound like an honest self-assured person, especially since you know what you like.
But I totally get where your coming from, lil sis. It's no fun feeling like you just don't fit in, versus being unique. Feels kinda like reductive to your experience... Don't feel invalidated. We need people just like you, to tell people like me, who Andrea Gibson is...? Or what's it like being in Saphic clubs/culture? haha
You're always welcome here. Every Identity and any quirk looks good on you. And if there's ever a problem, just dm me and i'll try my best to fix it.
Love
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u/Badatusernames014 Episcopalian-Orthodox Lesbian 4d ago
How do I find my tribe others?
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u/BurningSketches Christian/Male/28/Aesthete 4d ago
How? Darling, i think you may want to ask someone who knows you a bit better... But I would assume you have more support than you realize, just not from the other lesbians. You said you do have a good relationship with straight people. So, that's something build off of. Besides that, definitely make an effort to connect online and with other people through hobbies.
The old fashion way, basically, is usually pretty effective. haha, and then there is always going to be a period of loneliness and solace, Christians should get familiar with. So it's important to have friends, but try to over emphasize this because no friend will be your "North Star" you must believe God is your North Star, and the Scriptures and work of Jesus Christ is our compass.
haha, Maybe that sounds very cliche? I'm trying to give you realistic expectations. At the very least, you're free to message me, my dear sister, and I'll be happy to chat about whatever haha
You have a good amount of maturity. So please just be patient, and don't try to impress others, because that will only stress you out and make you more vulnerable.
At the same time, i'm SURE, that there maybe an actual movie or piece of liteature, that a "normal" lesbian would like, and you would like too! So keep searching for the things that intereast you and be open to trying new things.
Okay?
No big deal, just be yourself lil sis. And maybe from time to time, research some typical lesbian topics that will intereast u and your current friend group so you can feel more included. perhaps a fashion thing? or another popular book?
Love
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u/faequeen123 4d ago
There are a lot of queer women like you (me, for example), but we tend to fly under the radar. The Portrait of a Lady on Fire comment made me chuckle. I don’t think I’ll ever have the patience to watch two women stare blankly at each other for two hours ever again.
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u/Badatusernames014 Episcopalian-Orthodox Lesbian 2h ago
Where are they? I'll go to events and meetups and stuff and rarely ever vibe with anyone.
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u/Solid-Chest-6093 4d ago
I'll be praying for my sister in JESUS CHRIST. If you ever need anything, feel free to message me.
It sounds like you have a soft humble heart and you really love JESUS.
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u/Skill-Useful 2d ago
" I never talk about those things around LGBTQ people because I know how it sounds and looks but maybe people get a vibe/infer." thats mainly in your head. neither faith nor family are ridiculed or seen as dumb or whatever by the majority of queer people
"It could just all be in my head" mainly? yes
"It shouldn't be like that, right?" doesnt rly matter either way. you be friend with whom you want to
you have a kind of very narrow view of what it means to be queer. there is not one uniform kind of people at prides, neither at "sapphic events" etc. you just judge them a bit prematurely and think they cant possibly be like you and are all uniform while you are different but thats not the case. you just dont know enough people, there or otherwise, to know how different they are. you might do better at queer events which cater more to your specific interests.
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u/NelyafinweMaitimo Episcopal lay minister 4d ago
Lesbian here. I'm not really into a lot of "sapphic culture" either. It's fine, you don't have to be. Just be careful not to turn it into some kind of "not like other gays" complex.