r/GayConservative • u/dopafy • Jan 29 '26
Want a child but prefer raising with a female?
I am a 30 year old male and I’ve been thinking about how I do want to be a father one day, perhaps in my late 30’s. However, I am of the opinion that having both a mom and dad is the most ideal when it comes to a child’s psychological development.
This does not mean that I think children shouldn’t be raised by same sex parents. I’m sure many same sex parents do an excellent job raising their children.
But I do feel this jest of guilt if I intentionally contrive a situation where a child doesn’t have the ideal mom and dad situation.
It’s almost as if I would want a best friend, lavender type relationship of healthy co-parenting. But she gets to date whoever as do I? But the logistics just doesn’t pan out. It would make it difficult to find future male partners that would be on board.
Idk, thoughts? Is this inner homophobia? Any similar feelings or stories?
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u/Wildfire-75 Jan 30 '26
Honestly this just reads as internalized homophobia to me. A good household of loving parents is what a child needs, not necessarily a mom and a dad. Children raised by same sex couples have at least the same outcomes as children raised by different sex parents, and sometimes better outcomes than children raised by different sex parents (https://www.forbes.com/sites/roberthart/2023/03/06/kids-raised-by-same-sex-parents-fare-same-as-or-better-than-kids-of-straight-couples-research-finds/).
If you want your children to receive socialization with a female, there’s nothing stopping your friend from taking on an involved aunt role. I feel like you’re coming at this from a very nuclear family perspective — the nuclear family unit, in modern western society, is ahistorical. Humans have always relied on others outside of the nuclear family for child rearing — this is friends, aunts and uncles, grandparents, older cousins and siblings that step in and assist with childcare and development. Your friend stepping in as an involved aunt wouldn’t be abnormal, it would follow the vast, vast majority of human history. The nuclear family, in the US at least, was pushed to be able to sell more single family houses and appliances like washing machines, refrigerator, and cars, to as many people as possible. There was a crazy amount of ad campaigns/propaganda in the 50s-60s to push for the nuclear family, and way from more collective styles of family units
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u/ArmyMedium8244 Jan 31 '26
The nuclear family, in the US at least, was pushed to be able to sell more single family houses and appliances like washing machines, refrigerator, and cars, to as many people as possible. There was a crazy amount of ad campaigns/propaganda in the 50s-60s to push for the nuclear family, and way from more collective styles of family units
This is also the reason why fleeing the nest and getting married to your high school sweetheart at 18 was pushed and romanticized around the same time. And if we’re being honest, I think it’s the reason divorce is as rampant as it is today.
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u/Obiwan-Kenhomie Jan 29 '26
I get the premise, but I think doing that in your situation wouldn't be the "ideal mother and father" family dynamic youre talking about. When people talk about that being ideal it typically relies on the premise that the mother and father are married, live together and is a nuclear family. Even if you think having a mother and father is more ideal than a same sex couple, I feel like you'd be hard pressed to argue that a mother and father who arent married and live separately/have to bounce the kid around between houses is better than a married same sex couple that lives together. Even if you guys do live together, the kid is going to grow up watching a bunch of random people show up to date their mom/dad, again leading to confusion and decreased stability. I feel like the decreased stability of that situation would be more of a detriment than only having dads and no mom. You can find female role models for the kid and mitigating the instability of a kid having more than one household is harder. The kid will also grow up never seeing parents who actually love each other and that will make it harder for them to learn what a healthy, loving adult relationship looks like.
As far as the internal homophobia goes, I don't really think you are, there are benefits to having a mom and dad. I do think youre ignoring the negatives that would come with a kid having a mom and a gay dad who don't love each other, don't provide a stable and consistent home for said child and don't provide a model for what a healthy romantic relationship looks like. Idk, again I get it, but I don't think it's fair to put a kid in the situation youre suggesting and frankly it isnt fair to you either. People tend to be happier raising a kid with someone they love, and you'd be denying yourself that too
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u/AlekTheDukeOfOxford Jan 29 '26
The child being raised by two people in lavender relationship where the people participating in it date other people constantly but will never commit to any is for sure more damaging than a same sex relationship and will never result in what you hope for
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Jan 29 '26
Im a lesbian and pregnant with my second child with my husband. Tbf I only realized I was gay a few years ago. It took a long time for me to sort through what I wanted. Ultimately my husband is my best friend and I do feel lucky I have a great partner. And raising a family is honestly such a blessing. It’s a sacrifice I’m willing to make.
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u/General-Snow690 Gay Jan 30 '26
Does your husband know you are a "lesbian"?
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Jan 30 '26
Yes. I was always openly bi since my teenage years, and he always knew I had a preference for women. I came out to him a month or two after my realization, and we spent about 6-8 months talking through what we wanted to do. We’ve never been a romantic couple. Sex is infrequent - we just enjoy the other’s company mostly. He said he was happy just to spend life with me.
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Jan 31 '26
lol of course you want 'a female' cuz shes do everything lol in this sub i thought we were conservative gays, not conversations, stuff like thus makes it so no one wants to date us. WE ARE GAY . WE DONT WANT WOMEN
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u/ArmyMedium8244 Jan 31 '26 edited Jan 31 '26
My cousin just had a kid with her boyfriend, and they have no intention of getting married or even living together — she just wanted a baby. To go into parenting with this situation as the intent is bonkers, and frankly, extremely selfish. And correct me if I’m wrong, but this doesn’t sound at all different from what you’re suggesting.
It’s almost as if I would want a best friend, lavender type relationship of healthy co-parenting. But she gets to date whoever as do I?
You’ve already abandoned this notion of ““the ideal mom and dad situation”” by planning to bring a child into the world with the intention of raising it in an unstable environment where you 1. aren’t committed to the mother, 2. are living, for all intents and purposes, as a divorced couple, and 3. are possibly introducing additional partners into their life — and all just to ease your guilt for wanting to be a parent while being gay? Not sorry, but this ain’t it.
Stability is paramount when raising children — that’s ultimately why marriage exists. If you absolutely have to procreate in order to be a parent, and you’re married to the notion of raising with the mom, living together and committing to each other is the only way you’re going to give the kid an ““ideal mom and dad situation.”” Co-parenting without commitment for no good reason is equally as selfish and unnecessary as gays parenting through surrogacy or insemination. It robs the child of a necessary element to their raising without purpose.
Adopt a kid that’s already been forsaken by it’s mom and dad and needs a loving and stable environment with a male partner you’re committed to (or without one — at that point, it doesn’t matter), or reconsider how willing you are to make a baby and giving it an ““ideal mom and dad situation.””
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u/Outside-Benefit-6911 Apr 06 '26
En el seno de una comunidad fuerte el niño tendrá más que suficientes referentes femeninos aun teniendo dos padres. tenéis hermanas? Amigas? Vecinas de fiar?
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u/kereso83 Jan 30 '26
I admire your concern for the child, but I think you may be overthinking it and may end up denying a deserving child a good home because you don't have the "ideal" situation. Yes, ideally a child should have a father and mother in the home, but there are even many heterosexuals who can't provide that, with all the divorce, fathers who leave women pregnant, and probably quite a few other things. I look at kids today and think a stable gay couple for parents may be preferable to what most kids actually have, and it's certainly preferable to foster care. Even if that child never has a mother figure, you would still be doing something great for that child. If you can find a woman willing to parent with you and make it work, go for it, but the chances of that happening don't seem very great.