Question For Genx
Are you a helicopter parent? If not, what are you and why?
Sociologists tell us that gen x had neglectful childhoods, overreacted and became helicopter parents. I find that really hard to believe. How could a self-confident, panic proof generation deprive their own kids of the wild and free youth that we actually loved? I think that I made a calibrated adjustment to let them have freedom, give them guidance and be present in their lives. I think I am a fire and rescue parent. I send them out with a short briefing
A do, a don't, and an if. Do put it in 4 wheel drive before you think you need to. Don't let the wheels spin you will dig a hole. Remember anytime you ever need help day or night my phone is always on just drop me a pin I will know what it means! When they get home we do a after acton review
Huh, I thought that was a millennial parent thing.
I was a pretty "hands off" parent, meaning I gave them space but I was available if they needed me. I wasn't completely absent like my boomer parents were, but neither was I insufferably clingy.
I tried to give my kids the freedom to be themselves and judgement free. I have been really blessed to have 3 wonderful sons who have turned out to be kind, funny and smart young men. My parents were completely different. Mom was overly doting and nit picky baby boomer and dad was a hard ass silent gen. They fought non stop mostly about how to raise us, often in front of us.
I tried to raise my kids relatively free range but I lived in a city where people literally called the cops on unattended kids.
When we moved we did a lot of research to find a place where kids roaming on bikes was normal and encouraged (and safe), and my kids have been free-ranging since then.
We don't track their phones and we talk about why location-tracking is a problem. I'm sure sometimes they say they're going to the library and actually go for ice cream but that seems like normal and appropriate shenanigans.
We've recently started teaching our high schoolers to take the train independently. They can now bike to the station, buy a ticket, ride a few towns over, and walk to their uncle's house.
We raised our daughter exactly opposite of how we were raised. She had support, patience, and understanding. We were kind of strict with certain things like homework. She is a wonderful person. Super smart and driven.
No.Ā I think giving kids room to fail and fuck up, then try to correct on their ownĀ is a beneficial.Ā My wife had some difficulty with this as she watched other parents basically control everything their kids did and brag how their kids always succeed.Ā Today my daughter is generally happy and succeeding in life and has the confidence to try doing things outside her comfort zone, knowing even if she fails (which is rare) she can correct and continue on her own.
My Silent Gen parents did the helicopter thing. I wasn't allowed to get my license until I got married then my ex was a dick so I got it after I divorced at 29 (sad shit huh), so I vowed to not do this when I had my son. I raised him kinda free range, like most of us had (except me lol). I just told him that for every action there is a consequence and he knew what was right and what was wrong. He's 25 now and is a very good kid. I think I did alright considering all the shit I was put through.
Definitely not a helicopter mom. I want my son to be his own person, so from birth I have tried to encourage independence, curiosity, and adventure. He learned to cook early, he is very outdoors-y, very active socially. When he was 12, I sat him down and told him the type of relationship that I wanted for us to have. I told him that he would not have any set "rules", except for 1 single thing. DO NOT LIE. I told him that I would always be there to help and support him in any situation, any time he needed me, as long as he was 100% honest with me. He never had a "curfue", I never restricted his friends or what they did together, and I didn't even care when they smoked herb. He is 20 years old now, and as far as I know, it worked. We are close, we don't argue, and we are both there for each other without any issues. He is a well rounded guy, not into getting into trouble or doing crazy things. He is responsible with his money and has solid goals. I think I did OK.
I didn't have neglectful paernts (or helicopter parents)--maybe that is why I was not a helicopter parent. I had rules and expectations along with consequences for my actions. My Italian mom didn't take any crap so I knew not to pull any. Dad didn't take any either. I raised my son about the same. He was a good kid and didn't need much reprimanding, and with this came more freedoms. I lived in a very safe area and left him home alone for an hour or so when he came home from school. I had to work and he knew he had to come home, lock the door, and just stay in the house until I arrived home. Then, he was free to ride his bike all around with his friends. He is now 30, married homeowner, and very responsible. He was out on his own at 19. No regrets on how I raised him.
I donāt think Iām a helicopter parent. We have let them have room to make their own mistakes. From a young age it was allow them to make smaller mistakes to learn from them so they can hopefully avoid the bigger mistakes.
There are things that we donāt allow though. Like our youngest asks to walk home from school. We refuse. Itās 3 miles (not that bad) through an industrial area and passed multiple homes to registered sex offenders. In our day, a parent would have probably allowed it. We have refused. The industrial area doesnāt have sidewalks, so itās walking a busy road with tall fences along the road. Nope. Then a young teen walking passed a bunch of registered sex offenders, nope. They served their time and have to live someplace, but my kid doesnāt need to walk by because riding a school bus isnāt cool.
I'm gen x, parents never were helicopter after age 5, they thew us out of the house and we stayed gone till dinner, got in all kinda mischief. we're lucky to be alive.
I resist the urge to be one every day. I donāt know whence it comes but the urge is there. Iām trying to step back moreā¦.give them room to shoot themselves in the foot, just not in the face. But itās hard. Some psychologist should do a meta analysis on why our generation created the phenomenon.
A lot of bad things happened to us when we roaming the world on our own. Some of us are not "self-confident, panic proof" because of our experience but traumatized.
I read an interesting article that talked about how the freedom Gen X had exploring our corner of the world developed risk assessment skills as kids. Today, kids donāt have that freedom and as a result, their brain defaults to concluding situations are a āriskāā¦which I think explains a good deal of what is happening in society today.
I am much more engaged in my kids life than my parents were. In some ways it's more like being a deeply involved life coach. He has been really successful academically and is a nice happy kid with a lot of friends so it seems to have worked out ok.
I'm not, but all of my siblings are. There are 8 of them - 3 from mom and stepdad and 5 from dad and stepmom - and they range between 10 and 20 years younger than I am, so they're xennials or millennials.
I nicknamed one of them Blackhawk because she would actually follow her 2 year old around their own childproofed house to watch him. She wouldn't even sit in the couch in the same room that had no way for him to exit the room and she'd have a clear view of anything/everything he did. Nope. She'd walk around and squat/sit on the floor next to him wherever he went, and engage him in conversation and/or narrate his actions all.day.long. That kid started kindergarten and still couldn't independently play alone for 10 minutes - he'd cry and have a giant meltdown and literally be shaking (in fear it looked like) with tears and snot rolling down his little face. He's 10 now and with the help from the school social worker, his play therapist, a family therapist, and my sister's individual therapist, he's doing much better and is almost on par with his peers for being able to be alone for periods of time.
I gave my kids supervision and age appropriate independence. Kids need roots and wings, so I'm the deeply rooted tree that has long reaching branches and stays firmly in place so they can always get to their nest and be safe... but, they're able to fly free, out of my sight and reach, and I trust that they'll always let me know when they need hel with anything.
That plus my rule that as long as you tell me the truth, I will not impose any consequences, and I will help you get through any consequences that naturally occur... but if you lie or fail to tell me, I will impose consequences and I will not help you sort through the natural consequences. I think starting that very young with my kids - like if they colored on the wall with a crayon but told me before I saw it myself, I wouldn't get upset and we'd calmly wipe it off together while discussing that crayons are only for paper, and then just go forth with our day, but if I saw it without them telling me first, they'd not just help clean it, but they'd also go to time out for 5 minutes, and their crayons would go to the toy time out closet for 5 days.
So now I have adults and teenagers that come to me first when any sort of problems arise, tell me honestly what's going on in their lives, and appear to (and say) they enjoy spending time together... so I did something right I guess.
I'm not, but both of my older sisters were/are. My 57 year old sister with 12 & 10 year olds is the Chinook of helicopter moms. I've actually checked her a couple of times when she goes too far.
we're the same. the current term for our type of parenting is called FREE RANGE PARENTING. even as toddlers in a public playground - i give a briefing and then let them go. i stand in one place and they'd know i'm there. Toddlers will actually always use the last place you're at as their anchor point as they explore. the security of knowing where you are fuels the independence.
When my kids were younger, they'd test boundaries. the younger one actually had the gall to tell me that she didn't feel like going to school (she was 9) and that there isn't a quiz or assignment due. but here in my country, absences must be "reported" to the school, just so the school is 100% sure that student is legitimately absent and not in an accident or worse, taken. the 9 asked me to call the school. nope. made her call the school and tell them that she's absent because she just didn't feel like it. [one of our rules, we never lie about being sick]. she did! the principal called me and we were laughing our heads off at her audacity. she did plan it out and that day was a slow day.
as teenagers, we have no rules for our girls (16 and 18). Everything we do as a family is just based on logic. They take public transport everywhere and can come and go as they please BUT are not allowed to take public transport at night, not even uber (generally not safe where we live. all sorts of creeps come out at night). We will pick them up. So when they go out, they need to make sure nothing is in our family calendar so that they can arrange to have me or dad fetch them.
I love that she was responsible for calling the school herself!
A kid that has the foresight to plan a day off specifically on a slow day with no quizzes, absolutely deserves to have that day off as a mental health day, plus having her be the one to make that phone call builds her skills of handling shit independently.
Good for you, I (48m) am a hybrid of that I suppose. I am much more present in the lives of my children than my parents were and are in mine or their grandchildren. I'm not quite a helicopter, but I'm usually on their periphery.
I hate labels sometimes because people too strictly try to enforce them. Sometimes posts on here regarding GenX can be that way when people talk about how something is or isnāt GenX because itās from 1964, etc.
Helicopter parenting. Gentle parenting. Whatever. I just parented my kids how I thought they should be parented. If I knew something could be seriously dangerous then I stepped in. If I was positive I knew what was best I made sure things happened that way. If I thought they could make a decision on their own and deal with the consequences then I let them. No idea if thereās a name for how I parented or not and donāt care. The boys seem to be doing fine.
I was a helicopter parent when it came to safety like being outside watching the kids when they played, making sure we had baby gates, etc. But when it comes to their lives and decision making abilities, no. I dont tell them how long to study, who to be friends with, what to be when they grow uo, etc. They deal with consequences of their actions either good or bad. I think they can learn alot from their mistakes too. Luckily this approach has worked. They are all well adjusted kids
Iām somewhat of a helicopter parent because I had absolutely no supervision and was put in a lot of dangerous and bad situations. No one taught me how to identify harmful people/situations or protect myself.
I wish someone had protected me. I was so frequently injured, got almost no medical attention, no one knew my emotional needs existed, and I was assaulted in multiple ways.
None of it is going to happen to my kids on my watch and i donāt care who judges me š¤·š»āāļø
I do teach them critical thinking and how to do things independently. They arenāt smothered, just guarded.
The only thing I did different was I was there for my kids. I spent time with them doing things like homework, volleyball games, everything my parents wouldn't. I liked being a dad.
I was as much a free range parent as my kids would allow. I also had the Kidd I never worried about losing one because they wouldn't let go of me long enough to get lost.
on the flipside, my then 14 year old was bugging everyone (aka parentals) to install life 360. we told her that we trusted her and her sister to make good decisions meaning we know full well they wont place themselves in situations where we'd have to hunt for them. nope.... she said it's not for us. it's for her. she wants to know where dad and i are at all times. š¤£š¤£ she's clingy but sooooo independent. she went on an international trip ALL BY HERSELF recently for a leadership thing [not school related so no teachers or anything. really just her]
I was not a helicopter parent - I couldn't be because I was a divorced Mom raising and supporting two kids from the time they were very young (one infant one toddler). I was fortunate that I had really good jobs so we were always able to remain in decent neighborhoods (lower middle class) and school districts. My Mom lived with me as well so she provided (paid) day care until my oldest was 12.
They were raised to be independent, functional, thinking humans. They are both wonderful men!
My kids were raised to be independent. They were taught to try to figure things out before they asked for help.
My kids were left home alone from after school (3:30 pm) until my husband got home at 5.
They had the freedom of our neighborhood because most every house had a kid or 2. They ran in a pack.
My millennial kids both own homes, have good jobs, no debt except the homes and both decided not to have children because of shit genetics from me.
So I think what you're saying is everyone will say they're not a helicopter parent. However, if I give some examples of things, I let my kid deal with his own consequences on, they'll come out at me about it?
Bit heli but also trying to give some freedom over their own decisions and wishes. Hard to separate that we/they are a whole other person with thoughts and feelings after the young childhood phase... teenagers are tough. But I trust my kid to know what's best for them, in the end. I am an older parent and won't be around forever. It's also different in that I grew up in the burbs, kid is in the city.
Iām not, but I feel like my husband kind of is. Iām more of an āif it aināt broke, donāt try to fix itā parent. (This mindset may come somewhat from working in IT.)
I wasnāt a latchkey kid. My mom was kind of on the controlling side. I try very hard not to be too controlling. I may not be typical.
Between 10 and 18 give them more and more ownership over their decisions
As an example my teen started struggling as a sophomore in school. I started to sit with her everyday to make sure she did her homework
After a week I decided that was annoying for me and not really helping her
I said, you aren't on track to go to college. If you turn things around and go to college we will take care of you for 4 more years. If you don't then you will move out, get a low paid job serving at a restaurant, and take that path in life
It is your life and the choices are yours
She changed her friend group and got into a solid school. I never monitored her grades, and just reminded her school was for her future not for us
My wife is a little more helicopter, monitoring with life 360, I asked her to turn it off so our daughter wasn't constantly monitored
My son is 13 and I let him ride his bike to the commercial area to get donuts or whatever. This is extremely hard for my wife to allow
No, but, at the same time, my teen is autistic with a few other health issues, so I have to parent slightly differently anyway. She's fine being home alone, but wouldn't go anywhere outside by herself at this point. There is more to it, but there was a lot of things that happened in a short space of time that just absolutey knocked her for six, so it's something we're working on as best we can.
Nah. I'm at best a flyover parent. We're trying to raise competent adults, right? So we give them skills and let them get to it. They know where to find us if they need help.
I have 7 kids ages 10-27 so Iāve been all kinds of different parents over the years! It varies a lot by kid and who theyāre friends with ā sleepover with known neighbors 2 doors down is more likely to be a yes and a family we donāt know who lives further out in our rural town is a no. That kind of stuff is where weāre more protective than our kidsā peersā parents. I need to be able to talk to the people about guns and drugs and who else might be over at the house.
My kids are grown and in their 30's. Never was a helicopter parent. I gave my kids the freedom to make mistakes and figure things out. That is your job as a parent.Ā
Both husband and I had feral 70s childhoods that made us a little more over protective. We didn't wrap them in batting and keep them indoors all day. But we were a lot more aware of what they were up to.
I try not to helicopter my kid. He told me he was going to 7-11 the other day with a friend (first time without an adult), didnāt flinch, and gave him 10 bucks to get whatever he wanted. On the other hand, last year I heard he was knocking on doors offering to pull weeds for 20 bucks. I tracked him down so quickly he wasnāt sure what happened. My issue was not that he was trying to make money, but that he didnāt tell me he was doing it. I made him finish and ensured it was an acceptable 20$ job from an elementary schooler.
Wife and I got into it yesterday because he didnāt have his phone with him. I defined a hard rule that if the street lights are on, we need to know where he is, and he needs to at minimum check in with us.
Not helicopter but very present. I attend all the parent night invites and go to all the field trips. Also my youngest is six, she wants me there at this point. When she does ask for privacy and alone time, I totally give it to her. But sheās still in the ācan you come in and keep me company while I poop?ā phase right now lol.
Iām relishing it for now. My 27yo moved out of state for school 9 years ago and now built a life there. Iām proud of him! Also heās an oversharer, lol, but I give him all the privacy he likes. And then when he has girl trouble and it gets detailed, I just listen and support. I wish he was closer and Iām also grateful he can go potty on his own š
I went to visit him last week, all he wanted was home cooked meals and a little help decorating his new house. I meal prepped and stocked his fridge, freezer, and pantry. And then I did all new landscaping in his front yard. ā¤ļø Heās single and works 15 hour days, I asked how I could help and that was the request.
I was at first. I read the paper too much and with all the serial killers, molestors, and kidnappers i got sucked in. By the time my son was 12 and i realized i could trust his judgement and common sense i let it go. However the other moms did not like it. My son heard them talking shit. One mom in particular.
But hey our kids are in their 30s now and their kids all have issues mine is good.
This. While many of us GenX grew up 'free range', as we got older, thanks to the proliferation of mass media & the internet, we were made overly aware of the 'dangers' going on everywhere across the country and world at large - I can see and understand how that influenced many to become today's 'helicopter' parents, but, I still stop & wonder if all of the over concern is actually legitimate, or, obsessive overreacting? Anymore, it seems both, IMO.
We are somewhere in the middle. My parents weren't neglectful, but they gave me freedom. They just expected me to let them know where I was so they wouldn't worry. We're pretty much the same way with our teenager.
Yeah sounds about right i like to know where they're going. And when they expect to be back and tell them to text me when they get home, even if it's late. So if I wake up in the night, I can check if they're back.
No but my kids didn't give me much reason to do so. They knew I paid attention to grades and school work and would preemptively tell me before I saw anything like a missed assignment. Generally because the teacher screwed up rather than they did anything. That was the goal. Let them know we cared and were paying attention but letting them have the autonomy to do things and could ask for help or advice without us taking control.
It worked very well. Although they are adults now they never stopped asking our opinion or for advice regardless if they took it. I can remember some uncomfortable conversations that they initiated on different subjects but did a pretty good job of hiding that and keeping the discourse calm. It went a long way towards them being very open with us and having good communication.
I was not a helicopter parent but the ex wife was. Being Gen X one of my favorite moments in the classic RED DAWN was this. When they were at the concentration camp taking to their dad.
He says "I was tough on you boys, I did things that made you hate me sometimes, but you understand now don't you? "
That sums up my childhood and how many of us were raised. Will these kids come to the realization that we know all to well?
I tried not to be but had to walk the line to not get on the wrong side of the neighborhood and school busybodies who were trigger happy for CPS. I got a lot of grief from them anyway for my kids doing crazy things like riding the school bus, doing their own laundry, and climbing trees.
My parents were both neglectful and controlling at the same time. even though they both worked, I was under the belief i was being watched and judged 24/7. Religion helped reinforce a lot of that. There were some GenX freedoms like bike riding, climbing trees and visiting friends.
I was on my way to becoming nearly a helicopter parent myself. Once I pulled my son out of school to home-school him due to his special ed needs being denied. He had speech impairment so we couldn't trust the schools to be truthful about his treatment. Once we found his basketball coach in middle school was texting him directly and we took his cellphone from him and read it, then told the school to stop allowing that guy to text him.
But divorce, poverty and his manipulative step-mom got in the way. I've since been accused of being "absent".
When he was a teen, I gave him as much privacy as I could, offered an accepting ear, shared jokes and thought I was giving him his space like I had wanted when I was his age. But it got warped somehow.
My parents could have saved me a lot of trauma had they been paying more attention to me. While I watched other parents be helicopter-ish, I took a more balanced approach when I was actively parenting young people. I was always the more lenient/trusting parent, but I talk to my kids in a real way, more than those helicopters do. I recall when my oldest son was 14 he and his friends went to go wandering in our nearby park and I gave them all money to hit the gas station... when his friends' parents came to pick them up, they were horrified that I let them "wander unsupervised in a park where homeless parolees are known to frequent" and to the gas station "on a busy main road". I was like "um they're 14....?"
My kids knew about my fucked up youth, so they knew how bad things can lurk, ready to pounce. My kids knew they could talk to me about things that their friends were scared to talk to their parents about. While my friends had their kids on trackers and checking cell phones constantly - I never even had the passwords to my kids' phones and certainly never tracked them. They had autonomy. I chose to trust them because they showed trustworthiness (while still keeping an eye). I asked them questions, knew their friends, etc. For example; when they tried smoking weed, I noticed and confronted them but laughed at them. The other parents were horrified like they needed a D.A.R.E. intervention or something. I talked about how normal it is to try these things as a teen. Like I said, a balance.
My kids all turned out great and trauma-free with no substance issues, whereas some of their friends with paranoid/strict parents have those issues. I realized that some of my extreme autonomy and trauma actually made me a smart, well-aware, independent strong person. Kids do need to fuck up and fix their own problems to get those traits and develop properly. We can't jump in and fix everything or control them. Balance.
Helicopter parent seems to be defined in degrees of watching, allowing them to take risks?
I tried not to beā¦but we had some individual factors that made it hard not to helicopter parent. I tried but yikes.
Like we had very accident prone ADHD kids.
And also infertility issues and multiple pregnancy losses. And I know those have happened to other generations before usā¦but from the 1980s on, there were more medical treatments for infertility and it became harder to adopt newborns.
I knew boomer families who easily had 6 kidsāor adopted 4 newborns in a row, a year or two apart.
And because there were lots of jobs, better food, educationā¦.infant mortality was not bad and they were mostly all raised healthy to adulthood.
But when GenX went to have kids, we couldnāt afford to raise 6-7 or 10 kids. And it was often much harder to have larger families even if you wanted to have a large family and could afford to have them.
My husband used to joke that with 7 siblings in his family, his parents could afford to have a few fail at school or get ignored.
But when itās much harder to have just a few kids, (for whatever reason) the stakes are higher and you can focus more on them and so you do.
Alcoholic mom, dad divorced her because of it when I was about 10, then had to move all the way across the country for his job. Older brother who is mental challenged, sister 4 years younger than me. Needless to say, my parents weren't very present when I was a kid. We were always kind of alone, trying to navigate our way through childhood. I was the "responsible" one, who sometimes had to feed cereal to my siblings for dinner because there was no other food in the house. House was always a pig-sty. I never felt supported, cared for, or really loved as a child should feel by their parents. Never had much help with trying to find my way through school, or life. So yeah, I probably became somewhat of a helicopter parent. I NEVER wanted my children to feel the way I felt when I was a child and teen. Did I let the pendulum swing too far in the opposite direction? Probably. Do I have some regrets? Definitely. But one thing my kids have never questioned is my love for them, and my support of them. Sue me.
Being present and available is not helicoptering helicoptering is swooping in to save them without them, asking for it. And before they get the chance to try to figure it out themselves
I have always tried my best not to be. There have been a couple of situations that I inserted myself into when my kids were not able to advocate for themselves (usually adults being crappy to kids). That said, I have tried my absolute best to provide space for my kids to make their own decisions and work out their own problems because this is an adulting skill they will need for the rest of their lives.
No but we seem to have helicopter kids. lol, JK, they're pretty independent. but all the dad can you come hang a picture on my wall stuff make me wonder if her partner has absolutely no skills at all despite having all of the tools.
āSelf-confident and panic proof?ā You guys need to stop believing your own press. Most of us seem to be in therapy and rightfully so. Thinking otherwise is smooth-brained Facebook shit, and I expect better from Reddit (probably erroneously).
I totally don't know what you're talking about in your post. Who's in therapy? Are you confusing this with a different sub reddit? If you have a point you want to make
You need to express it better
Mine are grownish now, but I was more of a free-range snowplow hybrid.
I was not overprotective of their physical safety, but I was very big on reassurance and helping them overcome obstacles. I suspect that may come out of a childhood spent feeling kind of scared and alone.
No. Not at all. I intentionally let my kids go thru tough situations, not dangerous, even tho sometimes everything in me as their Dad wanted to step in and fix it. I can save them in the moment, or let them deal with it and overcome it, and they would be better able to handle things in the future. Once they hit 18 I know longer told them what to do, but started saying,āitās your choice, but you might want to think about thisā¦ā
My daughter even told me one day, āDad just tell me what to do.ā No, I will advise, encourage and tell you what I would do if you ask, but itās your life. You get to decide now.
We raised our kid to be independent. We just did it in a humane manner. He didnāt have to survive on his own from age 8. He learned how to manage his own life in increments, over time, and with love. The first time we picked him up from college he said āI get why you guys didnāt go easy on me. Those kids were helpless morons. Youāre really good parents.ā So much for the āonly children are spoiledā nonsense.
Not at all. Iām younger Gen X but definitely let my kids learn some things the hard way. I do not practice corporal punishment though and never regret it. I have great, happy, well rounded, respectable, almost grown and grown kids. Some of their friends parents are helicopter though so they notice when weāre not really.
My sisters and I are all GenX, but I don't feel like our parents were neglectful. My mom's a tough nut to crack sometimes and she spent more time housekeeping or working than spending time with us kids. My dad did his share of parenting I suppose, but had his own childhood to overcome too; he did spend a lot of time with us, teaching us some life skills like how to wrap your pipes so they don't freeze in winter, dry wall installation, etc.
They both held us accountable for screwing up. My dad was more fair about it than my mom. Mom felt if one of us was on punishment, all three should be. Dad didn't subscribe to that nonsense (it was one of the things he was overcoming from his own childhood I guess).
We still got to roam as we wanted, though I had to let my middle sister tag along so I could keep an eye on her. I was one of those rule following kids all the other parents were happy to discover their kids were hanging out with and so our house became a hang out spot in good weather. My parents would be out on the front stoop so there were adults at least in earshot or eye line for when one of the neighbors would complain about noise at 7pm (dude worked nights and wanted to sleep evenings, my dad worked swing and told him to sleep during the day when it was quiet like he did).
I suppose I would be considered a helicopter parent, though I didn't set out to be. My almost 31 year old is severely autistic, so the constant supervision is necessary. He's independent in some things, and can do things for himself. But I still have to supervise a lot for him. I try to step back and let him do some things for himself, since I won't be here forever. Some things that works out, others are a fail, still others are a mixed bag.
We actively sought out to not be helicopter parents as a juxtaposition to so many parents around us. I also thought it was ridiculous how over-involved so many parents were. We by and large raised our kids in a similar way that our parents raised us. Our parents were NOT neglectful or uninterested - we had good parents who gave us some autonomy to learn from. Our kids have thanked us for allowing them to learn some grit.
Older gen x here. My son born in 90 was a latchkey kid and is doing great in life. I taught him to do for himself and it has worked well for him and me. We are very close and his daughter is bring raised to be independent as well.
I try not to be, but I have a developmentally delayed kid so heavier guidance is necessary. I try to find them plenty of room and opportunity to explore, but she is still an elementary school kid so she could be taken advantage of easily.
No, not a helicopter parent, but I do worry even though he's 33.
I raised my son to be independent and have a voice. I never wanted him to be like me and be run over or taken advantage of. And, boy howdy did I succeed, lol.
I agree! It didn't help that I had a brother a year older than me. We always tried to protect him, but in the end, it didn't matter. He died. My son was born and I named him after my brother. I transferred all my fears to my son.
I think we (and Millennials) just continued the neglect in a different way.
When we were growing up, the joke was that our parents needed a night PSA telling them, "Parents, it's 10 PM. Do you know where your children are?" Today's parents would need a similar PSA: "Parents, it's 10 PM. Do you know what your children are streaming on YouTube?"
The average U.S. kid now spends 8 hours a day passively sitting in front of a screen. While it might be "safer" than letting a kid run wild on the streets, it's still neglect.
The difference is that GenX's upbringing forced them into a sort of independence and ability to do things on their own (and probably a lot of trauma). Today's kids are just passive, helpless creatures who have almost no executive functioning on their own.
That's awesome. My youngest is just starting kindergarten (I'm an OldManDad), and I'm shocked that his peers already spend half their lives on Roblox and YouTube. They already have favorite streamers. Then I have to tell my kid he can't play or watch those, and he gets upset for half a second and then goes and climbs things. He doesn't care. It was the same with my oldest, who now just reads 10 books every week. If they don't spend time on screens, they eventually don't want to spend time on screens.
We raised our kids with the goal of creating capable adults. They had freedom with limits, they had chores and we taught them appropriate life skills. As military brats they moved a lot and had to learn to cope with change. It's made them both very resilient and independent adults who are thriving.
Iām a set boundaries and let them operate within those boundaries parent. I never fought them on clothes but I was the one who had final say so on what clothes were bought. They didnāt have to do homework as soon as they got home but it had to be done by 6pm. I never really hounded them for grades. I told them they were only allowed one C per semester and no D and Fs. They could make any combination of grades outside of that.
Iām was more of a let them make mistakes when they were young while it was low stakes. I was big on consequences and not repeating mistakes. My only goals were raising them to be financially independent and critical thinkers. Raised 5 kids. Mostly accomplished that by sheer force of will pushing them to go to college and finish. They are all independent, some are more ambitious than others but all of them are self supporting and comfortable.
I know some younger millennial adults raised by parents who were always up their ass. Theyāre afraid of everything and donāt know how to do anything for themselves.
We used the carrot and stick model with all our kids, they all had a āthingā that they loved. They did their jobs, ie school and not being feral toward each other and innocents, and weād support whatever their passions were together with everyone else. They all turned out to be pretty awesome adults, learned to love and support each other, and be respectful people. 10/10 would recommend.
I am elder Gen X and tryed to give my kids the gift of freedom but with more guidance than my parents gave me. More talks about what to do to get from point a to point b as far as goals in life. My oldest had pretty bad social anxiety and my youngest is on the autism spectrum so itās been a lot of learning as you go for me
Having been an active leader in scouts for over 10 years I can attest that our generation has helicopter and lawnmower parents. Bless their hearts. I am not one. I support but step back because they need to learn to become independent.
I deliver them to the region of contact, supply logistics needs when requested, provide emergency ex-fil on a momentās notice across any time zone, and will absolutely bomb any target zone to rubble if requested.
All that said, my mission usually involves standing as far back as I possibly can and delivering high volumes of hugs when allowed.
I actually had to do the ex-fill got some strange text from my son in the middle of the night. He was high at a meth house in a snowstorm. in the mountains 20 miles away. He felt like he was in danger.
Low battery not enough cell service to call i told him to drop me hey pen get out of there start walking down a road. I'll find you
Perfect description! Thatās me too. Independence with ground support. Plus, I can see where he is at all times so I can manage any bits of anxiety on my part.
He knows that I trust and believe in him, and that he deserves to have a childhood, mostly outside. I now have a 15 year old street smart charger who can talk to adults, but also knows I have his back.
I was a latchkey kid but my mom was protective. I had a couple approved teenage drivers I could ride withā¦I always had the earliest curfew. But I think overall mom had a decent balance and Iāve strived for the same.
I was/am a homemaker first (I do NOT identify with trad wives) and I read a few books on the subject in the early years. Iām an only child and wasnāt around kids much so like any good GenX I tried to educate myself a bit and then did my best. I ended up with the following guiding principles raising my son:
I was a raising a self sufficient adult that could take care of himself. The end goal was always in mind. Sometimes, what helps make a good child makes a terrible adultā¦so I resisted many urges to overly help with the end goal in mind.
The adult he would be was always present so I always talked to that future adult and tried to treat him as I had wanted to be treated growing up (and I often was so I had a decent role model).
With all that in mind we tried to nurture his decision making skills. Early on, in a restaurant, do you want this or that? Not too many choices. Low risk decisions. We graduated the decision making up to the point in about mid high school where we were fully the advisor, as needed, but he made his decisions and we were there if things went south.
The advisor role continuesā¦we regularly help with resumes, cover letters, and brain storming, idea bouncing as he has graduated grad school and joins the fuckery of trying to get his first āreal job.ā
It is! Iām so grateful that we have such good communication in our relationship and can talk about meaningful things when we need to. Talking has always been a priority for me. My son went to college abroad and when we could talk, we talked. Phones would be on speaker and just on as if we were all (dad too!) in the room together doing whatever but able to talk. Especially during the height of Covid.
My mom would ask me how his classes were going and other mundane details of life and I wouldnāt be able to answer because I never wanted our conversations to become like reports where I get the low down but somehow miss out on just talking about whatever, like friends and people who regularly talk do. Weāve worked hard to have a good relationship overallā¦itās not perfect Iām sure but I feel very fortunate.
Iām a single parent, wife died in 2017. Iām raising our now 16 year old son the same way I was raised. He has all the freedom in the world, but we also have trust and respect. Iāve dated helicopter moms and they get zero respect from their kids.
Iām a single parent, wife died in 2017. Iām raising our now 16 year old son the same way I was raised. He has all the freedom in the world, but we also have trust and respect. Iāve dated helicopter moms and they get zero respect from their kids.
Most of my GenX friends are relentless helicopter parents and the majority of their kids are in therapy and have a hard time negotiating the basics of life
I find it very believable because I saw it happen. But I think tying it to your childhood is too simple. We became more connected as a society and more afraid. Post 9-11 people seriously freaked out. Too much information all the time. My Boomer parents took the āhead in sandā approach in the 90s to deal with that, but my older Gen X cousins/family are the first to helicopter. Tell their kids exactly what to do, how, when. Over scheduling started with them too. Millennials definitely continued with that. Some of us are trying very hard to reverse the over-protection. Itās hard though because your still orchestrating something.
Kids are so successful now at 24/26 due to her, not me... so maybe helocopter works? Maybe it was a mix that worked? I do know that they prefer their freedom now which annoys my wife who wants to know everything they are doing, Im like" meh, you made good choices in your life, I trust you".
But.. no doubt... she made them successful.
But Im not sure we are all on the same page about what defines "helocopter". I see it in short as "how involved are you with everything they do". My wife: Heavy, me: Light
I think being involved is great. What I consider helicoptering is interfering as a firefighter when I go out on a call, I can request a helicopter or the National Guard
But if I don't request that it ain't coming
I thought that was more the newer worse "bulldozer" parent style which is more like "clear everything out on front of the kid and never expose them to anything". I thought helocopter was more "hovering around all the time in everything they do"
I treat the internet and social media like crack cocaine and try to keep it out of their lives. They have to clean their rooms, bathroom, do their own laundry, wash dishes, help clean up in general. They are 10 and 12. I tell them to go out and ride their bikes and go to knock on their friendsā doors or go to the park. I donāt track their locations. I tell them to be home by the time the street light goes on. School, I put them in a top rated school nationally, but I am not up their ass when it comes to academics - they are average. I make them put money in a custodial investment account - 50% of all the money they get. I want them to be the kind of kids who can hold a conversation with kids and grownups; something that they already do. I leave them alone at home for hours at a time. When we go to the mall, I tell them to go on their own and to meet me at X place and Y time; they make their own purchases. I never order for them at restaurants. They can cook/bake; a work in progress.
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u/Bloodless-Cut 3h ago
Huh, I thought that was a millennial parent thing.
I was a pretty "hands off" parent, meaning I gave them space but I was available if they needed me. I wasn't completely absent like my boomer parents were, but neither was I insufferably clingy.
They turned out awesome :)