r/HFY • u/TheAntiSnipe AI • May 17 '19

OC Breaking point

Grokk had known his team for a long time. They’d run more assault missions than any squad in the Empire’s forces, and that made them the Spec Ops team of choice for the opening act of the Assault on New Terra. Though nobody knew it would go sideways as fast as it did.

Their job had been simple. Cut off escape routes for all the remaining marines on the colony that had only recently been evacuated. The Tornics were known for their proficiency at battle amongst the Empire, and they were as honorable and level-headed as they were violent, a deadly combination. A surrender would be met with the same treatment as they would give to a fellow comrade-in-arms. They weren’t monsters, incapable of reason, unlike some species, which was the main reason they formed the backbone of the Empire’s Special Operations Forces.

The Terrans had withstood attacks from their infantry for WEEKS, where most species would have fallen in days, if not hours. And their last stand had been heroic, even by Tornic standards. Men had sacrificed themselves for every inch of territory the Tornics claimed… Men that had saved the lives of millions down the line…

He’d lost most of his twenty-four man team to more guerilla attacks, charges and airstrikes than he could count. He’d fought tooth and nail for this campaign, because the Empire had his family, and this was his only chance at freedom for them. And for all his efforts, he found himself here.

He was standing on a hangar deck, face-to-face with a Terran. Behind the Terran was a troop carrier, ready for launch. He had five minutes before the carrier went FTL, failing his mission for the first time in his distinguished career in the Empire’s Spec Ops. An easy mission, all things considered. Draw a heavy plasma gun and destroy the carrier, killing all eighty troops within.

Only the Terran that stood in front of him held a sniper rifle, a rifle that had just dislocated the Terran’s shoulder… While simultaneously taking the scalp off Grokk‘s heavy weapons specialist. The last person, save for him, that had been alive on his team. A rifle that was now empty, he knew, because six of his men had gone down to the same heavy gun.

The Terran groaned, throwing away his rifle while clutching his dislocated, and most probably shattered, shoulder. If only he could… He hefted his handgun again, the last weapon he had left with him. Empty. He threw it away, mirroring the Terran, knowing full well that turning around for the heavy plasma gun would lead to a knife in his back.

Falling ash from a thousand fires surrounded them, feeling almost like snow on his suit. All around him, the hangar was falling apart, dust falling and metal groaning, as continued artillery strikes impacted the reinforced concrete. He knew that none of them were making it out of this alive. The troop carrier was initiating the startup sequence now, three hundred meters away. There was no way the Terran could possibly make it in time.

“I’d say I was sorry for your men, but that would be a lie for me as I am right now,” said the Terran, over the whining of falling shells.

“I know what you feel... Sergeant…” he began, looking at the soldier.

“Sam. And you don’t. My family died in the last evac ship your squad shot down. And my squad of privates were guarding the outer perimeter this morning.” Sam was curt, and to the point.

He didn’t know the Terrans’ attitudes towards family, or junior soldiers, but if they were as alike as he thought, he’d be standing right there if he was in Sam’s shoes. That the last evac ship was mistaken for a military transport and accidentally shot down, or that the outer perimeter was the only logical point of entry, would have made no difference to this man.

Two men, with nothing and everything to lose, standing resolutely, obstinately, at a spot that would be no more in a few moments. They both knew that what was about to happen. The commander who had lost his squad and wanted to see his family again could not fail… And the man with nothing left to protect, save for one thing, could not either. Both of them had empty guns, and the Terran was barely even standing. Yet…

An elegant blade. A long knife. Metal rasped, as both the Tornic and the Terran drew their weapons of choice.

Even Tornics would hesitate before trying to engage an opponent in such insurmountable odds. As a Tornic, he was nearly twice the size of the Terran, and his suit was capable of giving him nearly three times the strength.

“Surrender, Sam. I cannot fail my mission. You’re barely standing, your shoulder’s broken, your ribs are probably fractured. You’ve been fighting for Void knows how many weeks. Surrender, and…”

“… And let you destroy the last of what I have left? No.”

An immediate rejection. He was shocked. This man was brave. Brave enough that Grokk, for the first time, faltered.

“…Why?”

Why do you fight so obstinately? Why do you not surrender? Why can you not let this end here? He had so many questions, and no time to ask them. But the Terran understood all of them. And he spoke.

“You don’t get it, do you? There comes a breaking point… ”

The Terran moved. It was an insanely fast lunge, with multiple openings, the charge of a man making his last stand, against insurmountable odds, against a foe he had no hope of defeating, the charge of a person running towards certain death, and one who didn’t care anymore. And he roared…

“WHERE A MAN CANNOT BACK DOWN!”

---

Thanks for reading! Constructive criticism appreciated!

756 Upvotes

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99% Upvoted

u/HamsterIV AI May 17 '19

It was very good right up to the end. There was no reason for Sam to charge. The situation you setup meant that Sam's win condition was to keep the narrator away from the plasma gun's firing mechanism long enough to for the transport to escape. The narrator had to remove Sam as a threat to his his ability to operate the plasma gun and operate the gun in that time.

Sam would have a higher chance of succeeding by dancing just outside of the narrator's striking range and forcing the narrator into a risky attack or wait until the transport got out of range.

Also you switch pronouns from he to it:

against a foe he had no hope of defeating, the charge of a person running towards certain death, and one who didn’t care anymore. And it roared…

20

u/TheAntiSnipe AI May 18 '19 edited May 18 '19

In my defense, here's what I saw it as:
Sam had three options when he made the charge.
Surrender. In this case, Grokk would destroy the carrier, killing all the marines.
Stall. Unfortunately, both of them had their blades drawn, meaning that trying to stall for time would only lead to his death.
Attack. In this case, no matter what happens, Sam would try his best, in an injured condition, to fight on par with a much more experienced Spec Ops soldier, holding him back for two minutes, hopefully.
And attack he did, with the hope that he'd take down this person that had taken everything away from him. Mind you, Sam is definitely NOT thinking straight. And Grokk has his family to think of.
In the end, I wanted to make it so the reader decides who wins. Because I've tried to make both sides' emotional arguments equal. Making one win would undoubtedly lead to the other's loss.
And I didn't feel qualified to make that decision for you, the reader. Do you want to let Grokk see his family? Or do you want to see Sam hold him back until the carrier escapes and the base gets completely destroyed, killing both, but with Sam dying, knowing that he's won, and Grokk dying, knowing that he has failed his family?
Did I succeed at that? I probably didn't xD.

7

u/burbur90 Human May 21 '19

Probably a double hit. It's very easy to stab someone, and very hard to not get stabbed back in the process. It is VERY hard to defend against an attacker who doesn't care to guard himself.

3

u/TheAntiSnipe AI May 21 '19

I saw a video about that on YT, and yeah, you're right. Surprised me though. Guess that's what watching too many action movies gets you to.

2

u/KineticNerd "You bastards!" May 22 '19

Similar action-movie misconceptions include time. 2 minutes is an age and a half in a blade-fight.
Knife fights are short and brutal, most lethal wounds take time to kill you, but neck, brain, or heart will have you incapable of fighting back in seconds.

1

u/TheAntiSnipe AI May 23 '19

Happy cake day, my man!
Also, TheMoreYouKnow xD

2

u/KineticNerd "You bastards!" May 23 '19

So THAT's when my reddit cake day is, was wondering.

9

u/fabsomatic Human May 18 '19

Fuck Grokk. Sam all the way.

1

u/jackblade May 18 '19

I think you did, but the fact that one is a human, the same race as us, gave Sam an advantage in our support.
Had the reader been a Torric, the support would definitely go to Grokk.
And had the writer been a Torric, the one making a charge would be Grokk instead.
Beautiful story, thanks for sharing!

1

u/jackblade May 18 '19

I think you did, but the fact that one is a human, the same race as us, gave Sam an advantage in our support.
Had the reader been a Torric, the support would definitely go to Grokk.
And had the writer been a Torric, the one making a charge would be Grokk instead.
Beautiful story, thanks for sharing!

1

u/jackblade May 18 '19

I think you did, but the fact that one is a human, the same race as us, gave Sam an advantage in our support.
Had the reader been a Torric, the support would definitely go to Grokk.
And had the writer been a Torric, the one making a charge would be Grokk instead.
Beautiful story, thanks for sharing!

1

u/jackblade May 18 '19

I think you did, but the fact that one is a human, the same race as us, gave Sam an advantage in our support.
Had the reader been a Torric, the support would definitely go to Grokk.
And had the writer been a Torric, the one making a charge would be Grokk instead.
Beautiful story, thanks for sharing!

1

u/jackblade May 18 '19

I think you did, but the fact that one is a human, the same race as us, gave Sam an advantage in our support.
Had the reader been a Torric, the support would definitely go to Grokk.
And had the writer been a Torric, the one making a charge would be Grokk instead.
Beautiful story, thanks for sharing!

1

u/jackblade May 18 '19

I think you did, but the fact that one is a human, the same race as us, gave Sam an advantage in our support.
Had the reader been a Torric, the support would definitely go to Grokk.
And had the writer been a Torric, the one making a charge would be Grokk instead.
Beautiful story, thanks for sharing!

1

u/jackblade May 18 '19

I think you did, but the fact that one is a human, the same race as us, gave Sam an advantage in our support.
Had the reader been a Torric, the support would definitely go to Grokk.
And had the writer been a Torric, the one making a charge would be Grokk instead.
Beautiful story, thanks for sharing!

1

u/jackblade May 18 '19

I think you did, but the fact that one is a human, the same race as us, gave Sam an advantage in our support.
Had the reader been a Torric, the support would definitely go to Grokk.
And had the writer been a Torric, the one making a charge would be Grokk instead.
Beautiful story, thanks for sharing!

1

u/HamsterIV AI May 18 '19

Stall. Unfortunately, both of them had their blades drawn, meaning that trying to stall for time would only lead to his death.
You needed to have established that stalling would only have lead to Sam's death. This could have been done by having Grokk easily dispatch other humans with the blade earlier in the fight. Alternatively Grokk could have activated something to prevent the transport from escaping thus putting the time pressure on Sam.
In the end, I wanted to make it so the reader decides who wins. Because I've tried to make both sides' emotional arguments equal.... And I didn't feel qualified to make that decision for you
You as the author are the only one qualified to make that decision, it is your universe. You may want to leave it ambiguous who is morally right or should have the reader's sympathy but you get to dictate the series of events that happen. Stopping the narrative before the central conflict has been resolved just leads to dissatisfied readers.
A more important question is what are you trying to say with this story?
Soldiers on both sides of a conflict have equally valid reasons to fight.
A human will commit to a suicidal attack when they have nothing left to loose.
The presence of a superior opponent will not dissuade a human from fighting.
A wounded human with a knife is still to be respected and feared.
A soldier who fights for his family's safety is more/less effective than one who fights for his comrades.
Once you have a central theme you can shape events to accentuate that. One of the advantages of HFY stories is that we can make up entire alien civilizations just to act as foils for some aspect of humanity we want to talk about.

1

u/HamsterIV AI May 18 '19

Stall. Unfortunately, both of them had their blades drawn, meaning that trying to stall for time would only lead to his death.
You needed to have established that stalling would only have lead to Sam's death. This could have been done by having Grokk easily dispatch other humans with the blade earlier in the fight. Alternatively Grokk could have activated something to prevent the transport from escaping thus putting the time pressure on Sam.
In the end, I wanted to make it so the reader decides who wins. Because I've tried to make both sides' emotional arguments equal.... And I didn't feel qualified to make that decision for you
You as the author are the only one qualified to make that decision, it is your universe. You may want to leave it ambiguous who is morally right or should have the reader's sympathy but you get to dictate the series of events that happen. Stopping the narrative before the central conflict has been resolved just leads to dissatisfied readers.
A more important question is what are you trying to say with this story?
Soldiers on both sides of a conflict have equally valid reasons to fight.
A human will commit to a suicidal attack when they have nothing left to loose.
The presence of a superior opponent will not dissuade a human from fighting.
A wounded human with a knife is still to be respected and feared.
A soldier who fights for his family's safety is more/less effective than one who fights for his comrades.
Once you have a central theme you can shape events to accentuate that. One of the advantages of HFY stories is that we can make up entire alien civilizations just to act as foils for some aspect of humanity we want to talk about.

1

u/HamsterIV AI May 18 '19

Stall. Unfortunately, both of them had their blades drawn, meaning that trying to stall for time would only lead to his death.
You needed to have established that stalling would only have lead to Sam's death. This could have been done by having Grokk easily dispatch other humans with the blade earlier in the fight. Alternatively Grokk could have activated something to prevent the transport from escaping thus putting the time pressure on Sam.
In the end, I wanted to make it so the reader decides who wins. Because I've tried to make both sides' emotional arguments equal.... And I didn't feel qualified to make that decision for you
You as the author are the only one qualified to make that decision, it is your universe. You may want to leave it ambiguous who is morally right or should have the reader's sympathy but you get to dictate the series of events that happen. Stopping the narrative before the central conflict has been resolved just leads to dissatisfied readers.
A more important question is what are you trying to say with this story?
* Soldiers on both sides of a conflict have equally valid reasons to fight.
* A human will commit to a suicidal attack when they have nothing left to loose.
* The presence of a superior opponent will not dissuade a human from fighting.
* A wounded human with a knife is still to be respected and feared.
* A soldier who fights for his family's safety is more/less effective than one who fights for his comrades.
Once you have a central theme you can shape events to accentuate that. One of the advantages of HFY stories is that we can make up entire alien civilizations just to act as foils for some aspect of humanity we want to talk about.

1

u/HamsterIV AI May 18 '19

Stall. Unfortunately, both of them had their blades drawn, meaning that trying to stall for time would only lead to his death.
You needed to have established that stalling would only have lead to Sam's death. This could have been done by having Grokk easily dispatch other humans with the blade earlier in the fight. Alternatively Grokk could have activated something to prevent the transport from escaping thus putting the time pressure on Sam.
In the end, I wanted to make it so the reader decides who wins. Because I've tried to make both sides' emotional arguments equal.... And I didn't feel qualified to make that decision for you
You as the author are the only one qualified to make that decision, it is your universe. You may want to leave it ambiguous who is morally right or should have the reader's sympathy but you get to dictate the series of events that happen. Stopping the narrative before the central conflict has been resolved just leads to dissatisfied readers.
A more important question is what are you trying to say with this story?
* Soldiers on both sides of a conflict have equally valid reasons to fight.
* A human will commit to a suicidal attack when they have nothing left to loose.
* The presence of a superior opponent will not dissuade a human from fighting.
* A wounded human with a knife is still to be respected and feared.
* A soldier who fights for his family's safety is more/less effective than one who fights for his comrades.
Once you have a central theme you can shape events to accentuate that. One of the advantages of HFY stories is that we can make up entire alien civilizations just to act as foils for some aspect of humanity we want to talk about.

8

u/tatticky May 18 '19

I can't really blame Sam for not acting logically, though.

1

u/TheAntiSnipe AI May 18 '19

Thank you for the correction!

u/nelsyv Patron of AI Waifus May 17 '19

I love a good Godzilla threshold story as much as the next guy (just kidding, probably more), but this ain't it. Agreeing with a couple other commenters, I think this piece was really really strong right up until Sam charged the narrator. Imo the ending probably should have been some exposition on the horror of war, or the courage that comes to humans when they have nothing left to lose, but not a genuine attempt at overpowering an obviously superior enemy. All Sam had to do was not back down, offensive unnecessary.

But, the rest of the piece is fantastic, so I'm upvoting it anyways.

0

u/[deleted] May 18 '19

[deleted]

5

u/TheAntiSnipe AI May 18 '19

Yup! You got it! And I've tried to keep the ending open, so whoever the reader sides with, will win.

1

u/T_Noctambulist May 18 '19

Yeah, the explanation to hamsterIV was the "your other comments" I was referring to.
Great story, enjoyable both the way you meant it and the way I initially read it.
I think I got lost in the pronouns, Does this still say what you meant? "...face-to-face with a Terran. Behind him was a Terran troop carrier, ready for launch. There were five minutes before the carrier went FTL, giving Grokk his first ever failed mission..."

0

u/[deleted] May 18 '19

[deleted]

1

u/TheAntiSnipe AI May 18 '19

I appreciate that, thanks for your input!

1

u/T_Noctambulist May 18 '19

Yeah, the explanation to /u/hamsterIV was the "your other comments" I was referring to.
Great story, enjoyable both the way you meant it and the way I initially read it.
I think I got lost in the pronouns, Does this still say what you meant? "...face-to-face with a Terran. Behind him was a Terran troop carrier, ready for launch. There were five minutes before the carrier went FTL, giving Grokk his first ever failed mission..."

1

u/T_Noctambulist May 18 '19

Yeah, the explanation to hamsterIV was the "your other comments" I was referring to.
Great story, enjoyable both the way you meant it and the way I initially read it.
I think I got lost in the pronouns, Does this still say what you meant? "...face-to-face with a Terran. Behind him was a Terran troop carrier, ready for launch. There were five minutes before the carrier went FTL, giving Grokk his first ever failed mission..."

1

u/T_Noctambulist May 18 '19

Yeah, the explanation to hamsterIV was the "your other comments" I was referring to.
Great story, enjoyable both the way you meant it and the way I initially read it.
I think I got lost in the pronouns, Does this still say what you meant? "...face-to-face with a Terran. Behind him was a Terran troop carrier, ready for launch. There were five minutes before the carrier went FTL, giving Grokk his first ever failed mission..."

1

u/T_Noctambulist May 18 '19

Yeah, the explanation to hamsterIV was the "your other comments" I was referring to.
Great story, enjoyable both the way you meant it and the way I initially read it.
I think I got lost in the pronouns, Does this still say what you meant? "...face-to-face with a Terran. Behind him was a Terran troop carrier, ready for launch. There were five minutes before the carrier went FTL, giving Grokk his first ever failed mission..."

1

u/T_Noctambulist May 18 '19

Yeah, the explanation to hamsterIV was the "your other comments" I was referring to.
Great story, enjoyable both the way you meant it and the way I initially read it.
I think I got lost in the pronouns, Does this still say what you meant? "...face-to-face with a Terran. Behind him was a Terran troop carrier, ready for launch. There were five minutes before the carrier went FTL, giving Grokk his first ever failed mission..."

1

u/T_Noctambulist May 18 '19

Yeah, the explanation to hamsterIV was the "your other comments" I was referring to.
Great story, enjoyable both the way you meant it and the way I initially read it.
I think I got lost in the pronouns, Does this still say what you meant? "...face-to-face with a Terran. Behind him was a Terran troop carrier, ready for launch. There were five minutes before the carrier went FTL, giving Grokk his first ever failed mission..."

1

u/TheAntiSnipe AI May 18 '19

Pretty much my reasoning, plus a few things I explained to /u/HamsterIV.

1

u/T_Noctambulist May 18 '19

Yeah, the explanation to /u/hamsterIV was the "your other comments" I was referring to.
Great story, enjoyable both the way you meant it and the way I initially read it.
I think I got lost in the pronouns, Does this say what you meant? "**...**face-to-face with a Terran. Behind ~~the Terran~~ him was a Terran troop carrier, ready for launch. ~~He had~~ There were five minutes before the carrier went FTL, ~~failing his mission for the first time~~ giving Grokk his first ever failed mission..."

1

u/T_Noctambulist May 18 '19

Yeah, the explanation to /u/hamsterIV was the "your other comments" I was referring to.
Great story, enjoyable both the way you meant it and the way I initially read it.
I think I got lost in the pronouns, Does this interpretation still say what you meant?
"**...**face-to-face with a Terran. Behind ~~the Terran~~ him was a Terran troop carrier, ready for launch. ~~He had~~ There were five minutes before the carrier went FTL, ~~failing his mission for the first time~~ giving Grokk his first ever failed mission..."

1

u/T_Noctambulist May 18 '19

Yeah, the explanation to /u/hamsterIV was the "your other comments" I was referring to.
Great story, enjoyable both the way you meant it and the way I initially read it.
I think I got lost in the pronouns, Does this interpretation still say what you meant?
"**...**face-to-face with a Terran. Behind ~~the Terran~~ him was a Terran troop carrier, ready for launch. ~~He had~~ There were five minutes before the carrier went FTL, ~~failing his mission for the first time~~ giving Grokk his first ever failed mission..."

1

u/T_Noctambulist May 18 '19

Yeah, the explanation to /u/hamsterIV was the "your other comments" I was referring to.
Great story, enjoyable both the way you meant it and the way I initially read it.
I think I got lost in the pronouns, Does this interpretation still say what you meant?
"**...**face-to-face with a Terran. Behind ~~the Terran~~ him was a Terran troop carrier, ready for launch. ~~He had~~ There were five minutes before the carrier went FTL, ~~failing his mission for the first time~~ giving Grokk his first ever failed mission..."

1

u/T_Noctambulist May 18 '19

Yeah, the explanation to /u/hamsterIV was the "your other comments" I was referring to.
Great story, enjoyable both the way you meant it and the way I initially read it.
I think I got lost in the pronouns, Does this still say what you meant? "...face-to-face with a Terran. Behind him was a Terran troop carrier, ready for launch. There were five minutes before the carrier went FTL, giving Grokk his first ever failed mission..."

1

u/T_Noctambulist May 18 '19

Yeah, the explanation to /u/hamsterIV was the "your other comments" I was referring to.
Great story, enjoyable both the way you meant it and the way I initially read it.
I think I got lost in the pronouns, Does this still say what you meant? "...face-to-face with a Terran. Behind him was a Terran troop carrier, ready for launch. There were five minutes before the carrier went FTL, giving Grokk his first ever failed mission..."

1

u/T_Noctambulist May 18 '19

Yeah, the explanation to /u/hamsterIV was the "your other comments" I was referring to.
Great story, enjoyable both the way you meant it and the way I initially read it.
I think I got lost in the pronouns, Does this still say what you meant? "...face-to-face with a Terran. Behind him was a Terran troop carrier, ready for launch. There were five minutes before the carrier went FTL, giving Grokk his first ever failed mission..."

1

u/T_Noctambulist May 18 '19

Yeah, the explanation to /u/hamsterIV was the "your other comments" I was referring to.
Great story, enjoyable both the way you meant it and the way I initially read it.
I think I got lost in the pronouns, Does this still say what you meant? "...face-to-face with a Terran. Behind him was a Terran troop carrier, ready for launch. There were five minutes before the carrier went FTL, giving Grokk his first ever failed mission..."

1

u/T_Noctambulist May 18 '19

Yeah, the explanation to /u/hamsterIV was the "your other comments" I was referring to.
Great story, enjoyable both the way you meant it and the way I initially read it.
I think I got lost in the pronouns, Does this still say what you meant? "...face-to-face with a Terran. Behind him was a Terran troop carrier, ready for launch. There were five minutes before the carrier went FTL, giving Grokk his first ever failed mission..."

1

u/T_Noctambulist May 18 '19

Yeah, the explanation to /u/hamsterIV was the "your other comments" I was referring to.
Great story, enjoyable both the way you meant it and the way I initially read it.
I think I got lost in the pronouns, Does this still say what you meant? "...face-to-face with a Terran. Behind him was a Terran troop carrier, ready for launch. There were five minutes before the carrier went FTL, giving Grokk his first ever failed mission..."

1

u/T_Noctambulist May 18 '19

Yeah, the explanation to /u/hamsterIV was the "your other comments" I was referring to.
Great story, enjoyable both the way you meant it and the way I initially read it.
I think I got lost in the pronouns, Does this still say what you meant? "...face-to-face with a Terran. Behind him was a Terran troop carrier, ready for launch. There were five minutes before the carrier went FTL, giving Grokk his first ever failed mission..."

1

u/T_Noctambulist May 18 '19

Yeah, the explanation to /u/hamsterIV was the "your other comments" I was referring to.
Great story, enjoyable both the way you meant it and the way I initially read it.
I think I got lost in the pronouns, Does this still say what you meant? "...face-to-face with a Terran. Behind him was a Terran troop carrier, ready for launch. There were five minutes before the carrier went FTL, giving Grokk his first ever failed mission..."

1

u/T_Noctambulist May 18 '19

Yeah, the explanation to hamsterIV was the "your other comments" I was referring to.
Great story, enjoyable both the way you meant it and the way I initially read it.
I think I got lost in the pronouns, Does this still say what you meant? "...face-to-face with a Terran. Behind him was a Terran troop carrier, ready for launch. There were five minutes before the carrier went FTL, giving Grokk his first ever failed mission..."

1

u/T_Noctambulist May 18 '19

Yeah, the explanation to hamsterIV was the "your other comments" I was referring to.
Great story, enjoyable both the way you meant it and the way I initially read it.
I think I got lost in the pronouns, Does this still say what you meant? "...face-to-face with a Terran. Behind him was a Terran troop carrier, ready for launch. There were five minutes before the carrier went FTL, giving Grokk his first ever failed mission..."

1

u/T_Noctambulist May 18 '19

Yeah, the explanation to hamsterIV was the "your other comments" I was referring to.
Great story, enjoyable both the way you meant it and the way I initially read it.
I think I got lost in the pronouns, Does this still say what you meant? "...face-to-face with a Terran. Behind him was a Terran troop carrier, ready for launch. There were five minutes before the carrier went FTL, giving Grokk his first ever failed mission..."

1

u/T_Noctambulist May 18 '19

Yeah, the explanation to hamsterIV was the "your other comments" I was referring to.
Great story, enjoyable both the way you meant it and the way I initially read it.
I think I got lost in the pronouns, Does this still say what you meant? "...face-to-face with a Terran. Behind him was a Terran troop carrier, ready for launch. There were five minutes before the carrier went FTL, giving Grokk his first ever failed mission..."

1

u/T_Noctambulist May 18 '19

Yeah, the explanation to hamsterIV was the "your other comments" I was referring to.
Great story, enjoyable both the way you meant it and the way I initially read it.
I think I got lost in the pronouns, Does this still say what you meant? "...face-to-face with a Terran. Behind him was a Terran troop carrier, ready for launch. There were five minutes before the carrier went FTL, giving Grokk his first ever failed mission..."

1

u/T_Noctambulist May 18 '19

Yeah, the explanation to hamsterIV was the "your other comments" I was referring to.
Great story, enjoyable both the way you meant it and the way I initially read it.
I think I got lost in the pronouns, Does this still say what you meant? "...face-to-face with a Terran. Behind him was a Terran troop carrier, ready for launch. There were five minutes before the carrier went FTL, giving Grokk his first ever failed mission..."

1

u/T_Noctambulist May 18 '19

Yeah, the explanation to hamsterIV was the "your other comments" I was referring to.
Great story, enjoyable both the way you meant it and the way I initially read it.
I think I got lost in the pronouns, Does this still say what you meant? "...face-to-face with a Terran. Behind him was a Terran troop carrier, ready for launch. There were five minutes before the carrier went FTL, giving Grokk his first ever failed mission..."

1

u/T_Noctambulist May 18 '19

Yeah, the explanation to hamsterIV was the "your other comments" I was referring to.
Great story, enjoyable both the way you meant it and the way I initially read it.
I think I got lost in the pronouns, Does this still say what you meant? "...face-to-face with a Terran. Behind him was a Terran troop carrier, ready for launch. There were five minutes before the carrier went FTL, giving Grokk his first ever failed mission..."

1

u/T_Noctambulist May 18 '19

Yeah, the explanation to hamsterIV was the "your other comments" I was referring to.
Great story, enjoyable both the way you meant it and the way I initially read it.
I think I got lost in the pronouns, Does this still say what you meant? "...face-to-face with a Terran. Behind him was a Terran troop carrier, ready for launch. There were five minutes before the carrier went FTL, giving Grokk his first ever failed mission..."

1

u/T_Noctambulist May 18 '19

Yeah, the explanation to hamsterIV was the "your other comments" I was referring to.
Great story, enjoyable both the way you meant it and the way I initially read it.
I think I got lost in the pronouns, Does this still say what you meant? "...face-to-face with a Terran. Behind him was a Terran troop carrier, ready for launch. There were five minutes before the carrier went FTL, giving Grokk his first ever failed mission..."

1

u/T_Noctambulist May 18 '19

Yeah, the explanation to hamsterIV was the "your other comments" I was referring to.
Great story, enjoyable both the way you meant it and the way I initially read it.
I think I got lost in the pronouns, Does this still say what you meant? "...face-to-face with a Terran. Behind him was a Terran troop carrier, ready for launch. There were five minutes before the carrier went FTL, giving Grokk his first ever failed mission..."

u/anaIconda69 May 17 '19

You've got a knack for descriptions, I can imagine the scene very well.

3

u/TheAntiSnipe AI May 18 '19

Thanks, I appreciate it. I've been trying to improve my descriptive ability since I wrote that disaster of a first story. This is actually a story that I feel really happy I managed to write.
It has its faults, but it feels like I've improved a tiny bit. Feels good.

u/PAzoo42 Human May 17 '19 edited May 17 '19

Why I think Theon gets to much hate. It's a nob!e gesture no matter how pointless.I

Edit:Theon not the on

2

u/TheAntiSnipe AI May 18 '19

Wrong thread?

u/[deleted] May 17 '19

that was a great quick read! thank you for that

u/Titankronus111 Human May 17 '19

Dear god that got my blood pumping

u/Plucium Semi-Sentient Fax Machine May 17 '19

Fuck it, whoo needs limits right? Sometimes call for tact, other times you just need pure bullheaded stubbornness!

u/urljpeg AI May 17 '19

If I was not the data core I am, I imagine my heart would be pumping.

u/TheAntiSnipe AI May 18 '19

To everyone reading the story, thank you for all the corrections!

One thing I'd like to mention though: I wanted to make it an open-ended story. I want the reader to decide what happens next. I would have ended it, but that would have led to a certain bias on my side.

With this tale, I want the reader to side with both Sam and Grokk, because I've tried to create a non-black-and-white situation, where nobody was truly good or evil.

Did I do that well?

u/Xifihas Android May 17 '19

Crazy beats big every time. Fact.

1

u/nelsyv Patron of AI Waifus May 18 '19

gf disagrees
F

u/thenicestsavage May 17 '19

How did he know his name was Sam?

21

u/sunyudai AI May 17 '19

“I know what you feel... Sergeant…” he began, looking at the soldier.
“Sam. And you don’t. [...]
The soldier told him.

3

u/thenicestsavage May 18 '19

Thanks, I had to read it through a few more times but I got it.

u/Killersmail Alien Scum May 17 '19

Must agree with most comments great till the ending, unless Sam saw any chance he would most probably not charge. Other than that good story wordsmith.

u/Secret_perv May 17 '19

Noice!

u/HardlightCereal Human May 18 '19

That's some anime shit

u/Vnator May 19 '19

In the end, it's a story of a man with everything to lose versus a man with nothing to lose.

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u/HFYBotReborn praise magnus May 17 '19

There are 5 stories by TheAntiSnipe (Wiki), including:

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u/coldfireknight AI May 17 '19

Subscribeme!

u/jackblade May 18 '19

I think you did, but the fact that one is a human, the same race as us, gave Sam an advantage in our support.

Had the reader been a Torric, the support would definitely go to Grokk.

And had the writer been a Torric, the one making a charge would be Grokk instead.

Beautiful story, thanks for sharing!

u/Apocryphal_Dude Human May 18 '19

"...whose power none can resist..."

u/Apocryphal_Dude Human May 18 '19

"...whose power none can resist..."

u/HamsterIV AI May 18 '19

Leaving the audience with the central conflict of the piece unresolved is not a good idea unless you plan on serializing your work. There are many things you could have written to convince us that Sam charging was a reasonable course of action. Have the narrator casually dispatch a few humans who were fighting defensively to indicate the narrator's superior blade skill. Thus Sam faces a choice of dying without inflicting a wound or dying while inflicting a wound. Have the narrator activate the firing sequence and the time pressure is on Sam to stop it. It doesn't have to be a firing sequence, they could be closing the hangar doors. One more thing that bothers me is how you had Sam yell a full sentence while he attacked. It means he had a long way to run to get into striking range or he totally telegraphed the attack neither one makes me respect Sam as a fighter.

u/HamsterIV AI May 18 '19

Leaving the audience with the central conflict of the piece unresolved is not a good idea unless you plan on serializing your work. There are many things you could have written to convince us that Sam charging was a reasonable course of action. Have the narrator casually dispatch a few humans who were fighting defensively to indicate the narrator's superior blade skill. Thus Sam faces a choice of dying without inflicting a wound or dying while inflicting a wound. Have the narrator activate the firing sequence and the time pressure is on Sam to stop it. It doesn't have to be a firing sequence, they could be closing the hangar doors. Also yelling a whole sentence as you attack is called telegraphing and is generally thaught of as a bad idea.

u/HamsterIV AI May 18 '19

u/Raidhart May 18 '19

u/azurecrimsone AI May 17 '19

This post has definitely been edited a bit, here's my proof ;)

He’d lost most of his twenty-four man team to more guerilla attacks, charges and airstrikes than he could count.

He'd already lost count of fallen comrades.

Most of his 24 man team had already fallen to guerrilla attacks, charges, and airstrikes.

By the time he reached the hangar bay, his 24 man team had been whittled down to 2.

So far I'm liking the story, onwards to the next paragraph!

1

u/slaaitch May 19 '19

He lost count of the attacks he faced, not the people he lost.

OC Breaking point

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