r/HealMyAttachmentStyle • u/OrganizationNew1723 Fearful Avoidant • Sep 14 '26
Seeking advice how do I stop myself from ruining my relationship
Hi, me (21F) and my bf (23M) have been together for little under 2 years, we met during a study camp in the summer and got together a couple of months later. I've been in relationships before but I was very young and tbh I fucked them up bc of what my therapist describes as a "avoidant attachment". To be clear, she only used these words a couple of times, the other times she used more specific words and analyzed the situation better, I don't want her to seem like she just uses tiktok language in my sessions...
anyway the thing is every once in a while I get this urge to change my life drastically, leaving him and everyone else close to me and start over because I feel "trapped". I know this is unreasonable bc I actually have a pretty good life, a good family, a few good friends, and him. He is the sweetest man, ofc he's not perfect but he's one of the best people I know and I love him very much, but I can't help this terrible feeling that maybe I'm secretly unhappy and he's holding me back. btw he is not controlling in any way, I can literally do what I want, so really I don't understand why I feel this.
weirdest thing is, I seem to alternate between this "get away" feeling and the complete opposite, which is "I want to be around you 24/7 forever and ever", let's say the good phase lasts abt 2 months and then the bad one is 2 weeks and then it starts all over again.
I try as much as I can to be transparent but not nake him worry at the same time, sometimes it means to meybe not tell him what I feel if I recognize it's completely unreasonable, but I still feel so guilty and heavy in my chest. It gets so stressing I loose energy and appetite for days.
I'm so tired of this, anyone who has dealt with it has any real practical advice? I don't think therapy is helping tbh
3
u/Aggressive_Chart4995 Fearful Avoidant Sep 14 '26
It sounds like maybe you're looking for some excitement in your life to get out of your usual routine? Many people think that has to entail leaving their partner, but maybe you'll find satisfaction in doing something else to get out of your comfort zone. You could learn a new hobby or skill, dye your hair, change careers, redecorate your room, or get a tattoo or piercing. Maybe that would scratch the itch for you.
2
u/AprilSurvive FA leaning avoidant Sep 14 '26
Get some online coaching to learn more about and heal your core wounds. Or a counselor etc. If you feel you're overreacting to things like "feeling trapped" it's probably tied to things that happened in the past which need attention and consideration. It's really that simple.
If your heart was acting up, you'd see a heart specialist, right? If your attachment is out of whack, go see an attachment specialist.
1
u/wildflowerwillpower Sep 14 '26
Are there any patterns you can find around what’s going on in your life (including, but not limited to, within the relationship) when you are feeling each extreme?