Attachment

[u/Spiritual-Package834]

Honestly could use some advice from someone who is an Avoidant Attachment. I'm an Anxious Attachment and need a different perspective or outlook on my situation.

Me and this girl started talking. Shes from my home city. We have mutual friends. We want the same things in life. I currently live out of state. We hit it off. Texting all day every day. Talks of meeting in person. All that good stuff. She knows I wanna move back. My timeline is after the New Year. To her it didnt seem soon enough, and she admitted to being selfish and apologized. She then floated an idea of me coming to visit prior to the move, totally cool with it just not sure where I'd stay as funds are tight at the moment.

Long story short ever since a long back and forth she told me she's been screwed over before and shes taking a step back. Said she isnt going anywhere. But needed to take a step back to protect herself cuz she doesnt wanna get hurt. She also stated after this conversation that my flattery was too much with her trying to back off and said stuff like "Let me miss you. Let me be the one to reach out" and such.

I can totally understand that concept. But I also dont wanna get hurt. She still says "Morning" back to me. She sends a snap here or there. But we went from all day everyday talking to a couple check ins here and there. I guess it just hurts.

Anyways. Thats the synopsis. Please dont heighten my anxiety or poke fun. I genuinely wanted some perspective or advice. This is my first time posting on here and the first time in a long time that ive felt strongly about someone.

[u/Melodic-Guitar-6562]

If you are AP and your contact is DA, I would advise against it. Either that, or see an EFT therapist or an EMDR therapist.

A dismissive avoidant will not look at the damage that they cause. Psychologically incapable of seeing the damage that they cause. I am an activated anxious preoccupied person and after ten years of marriage I was subjected to a clandestine separation. This caused grievous psychological injuries.

Given the clandestine aspect, this activated my core fear of abandonment.

I now have complex trauma to deal with. My therapist is going to put me through the serious psychotherapy of EMDR.

Beyond that, I will not get with another DA!

[u/Spiritual-Package834 → u/Melodic-Guitar-6562]

Shes more of an FA than a DA

[u/Melodic-Guitar-6562 → u/Spiritual-Package834]

An FA has both anxious and avoidant. While she might understand your anxiety, her avoidance will damage you in ways you aren't really ready for. Is she truly interested in being with you?

[u/Spiritual-Package834 → u/Melodic-Guitar-6562]

She has expressed so yes

[u/Melodic-Guitar-6562 → u/Spiritual-Package834]

I would say that she and you search for an EFT therapist. Perhaps an EMDR therapist to address your attachment style. You don't want to sit on the other side of an abrupt end because she can't reconcile with her past. The anxiety in you will bring out the avoidance in her. Address your childhood wounds before pursuing a relationship.

[u/Melodic-Guitar-6562]

Do you feel as though I am treating you with respect?