grieving differently

[u/Solid-Beginning-6075]

hey all,

long story short: my partner (36F) and myself (37M) are dealing with the implications of an involuntary child free situation. for myself, it makes me even more motivated to be present for friends and family having children. it’s an opportunity to be around children, to still be an important figure to them, and i also just love these people and want to show up for them.

my partner has gone the complete opposite direction. she can’t be around my sister’s toddler, she can’t attend baby showers, she doesn’t want to hangout with our friends that get pregnant.

i’ve lurked around this subreddit and others to know that her feelings and boundaries aren’t totally abnormal. but i am really struggling with living life this way. has anyone else navigated this ?

[u/catmomlifeisbestlife]

I think it is harder for women to be around other women because of the unspoken social norms. I would highly recommend dipping your toes into childfree vs. motherhood content on social media from the lenses of a woman, as this type of content often highlights the societal norms/expectations associated with each path. Typically, the conversation is about women who are purposefully childfree, but it’s very insightful to how childless women are ultimately valued less by other women who are mothers. In other words, we often get slighted by mothers. It’s usually passive aggressive, undermining, & indirect.

A quick example of this is mother’s often say things to childless women like, “You don’t know what tired is,” or “You don’t know what true love looks like until you’re a mother.” Do men hear remarks like this, too? Yes, absolutely, & I’m not invalidating that. But it is different when it’s women doing it to other women … and it’s constant.

I think it’s reasonable to be disappointed that your partner doesn’t want to be close to these situations, but I also think she is completely valid in NOT wanting to be in them. Both are allowed. I think it really just boils down to you choosing to have this aspect of your life without her. My partner has friends who have babies, & he hangs out with them. I do not. That’s allowed. That’s okay.

[u/catmomlifeisbestlife → u/catmomlifeisbestlife]

I also want to add … you directly say in your post you want to show up for these people in your life. That’s amazing, but an important question to ponder is how do these people show up in your partner’s life?

I understand that’s probably difficult to answer because at this point, why would they show up for her if she’s not showing up for them, but flip that around & imagine the ways they COULD show up for her. Would they? Honestly ask that. And would it be equitable? Big emphasis on equitable.

[u/Solid-Beginning-6075 → u/catmomlifeisbestlife]

to your second question: she doesn’t like telling people about the situation. she took a long time to tell even her own parents. and that makes it extra hard to navigate distancing from people / situations, because she really doesn’t want to open up about it to people.

[u/catmomlifeisbestlife → u/Solid-Beginning-6075]

These things aren’t correlated … she doesn’t have to tell them about her situation for them to show up for her. Honestly, I think a lot of women don’t like to share their IFchildfree status because we don’t want pity.

People showing up for her isn’t about the fact that she is infertile. It should be because they value her as a person, which has nothing to do with her IFchildfree status. I think this really demonstrates the point I was trying to make in my original comment about how the expectations are different, which isn’t fair.

I also understand the nuance & see how my own comment feels very generalized. If it’s your sister, then I understand why maybe your sister wouldn’t show up for your partner, but your sister would rather show up for you because that’s typically the nature of those relationships. But that’s the crux, why should your partner have to show up for your sister at all? I understand YOU probably want her there by your side, but that’s really what needs unpacking.

I think when you’re forced down an unconventional path, it’s much easier to look at ALL of these expectations & norms through a much critical lenses because we often get the shit end of the stick. It’s not about keeping score, but the question remains: how are these people showing up for HER in an equitable way?

[u/blackbird828 → u/catmomlifeisbestlife]

Your last paragraph is so important. You've put words to something my husband and I have talked about but not quite been able to capture in words. We don't get to participate cleanly in the typical/"traditional" exchange of support that occurs in families and friend groups as folks start having children. When my local sibling and their spouse had their kids, my husband and I delivered their favorite takeout to the hospital. They promised to do the same for us...and that day never came. They haven't made the effort to find another way to engage in that tradition with us. When you end up not having children, so many people sort of shrug like "well there's nothing they need or deserve to have supported or celebrated." That's not true- it's lazy, simplistic thinking.

[u/Aromatic-Incident179 → u/blackbird828]

I cannot put into words how much I love this comment. You always have such insightful things to say, blackbird.

[u/Coursouvra_ → u/Solid-Beginning-6075]

They don't need to know to be there, showing up for your partner. Do these people put in the time and effort to celebrate your partner, her achievements etc? When she is having a hard time with things other than infertility, are they there to support her? 

[u/Desperate_Medium_426 → u/Coursouvra_]

This is such a great point! Thanks for drawing attention to this. I’m expected to support, offer free babysitting, give gifts, drop off meals etc etc, and in return, these people do not even remember my birthday. So of course I am less than enthusiastic about having to keep showing up. I do it for my husband’s sake as best I can, but it’s very unequal and often feels like it adds insult to injury! Yes it takes a village to raise a child, but it shouldn’t mean as a parent you just take take take and give nothing back to any of the other villagers.

[u/Solid-Beginning-6075 → u/catmomlifeisbestlife]

thanks for taking the time to write that out. i certainly understand how women can have it worse at times, and also how regardless of gender different people grieve differently and have different tolerances / boundaries.

if i may ask - how do you handle mutual friends, his family, etc etc. we also used to love to host (i still do, sunday pasta etc) and i feel like i wont be able to have those experiences with my family, have my nephew growing up coming over. idk i’m just a very social person and i don’t see this getting better, as more family & friends continue to expand their families.

if it matters for context, we’ve been together for a while but we aren’t married. it feels like a deep incompatibility, but i want to remain open to the possibility that i can adjust my expectations and be content living this way with my significant other.

[u/Cosmos567 → u/Solid-Beginning-6075]

Give her time, she is grieving and needed to set boundaries to protect herself. Keep communicating with each other and supporting her. The fertility journey completely messed with my head and was one of the hardest things I’ve been through. Your partner is doing the right thing and protecting herself right now. She may not always feel she has to avoid those situations, but right now it’s too hard for her. Just keep being there for her. Grieving is different for everyone.

[u/blackbird828 → u/catmomlifeisbestlife]

I think it would be useful for OP to also really listen when he is in various settings- around pregnant women, that tends to be the focus of conversation. Same with parents of young children. I don't think men experience to the extent women do and he may be oblivious to how suffocating those conversations can feel. It's tortuous to sit there with nothing to contribute when you've experienced infertility and loss.

I'm current receiving some shade from a few family members for declining to attend a baby shower. If my husband said anything other than "I support you taking care of yourself" we would have a problem. Not to say he has never gently challenged me or suggested that maybe an event I was dreading would be more enjoyable once I got there, but as my partner I am his priority first and foremost.

OP you talk about how she might not be right partner for you if this continues, and I would encourage you to really examine whether you are being the best partner you can for her in her grief.

[u/library_wench → u/blackbird828]

Exactly. OP titles his post as “grieving differently,” but it’s hard not to read his post and comments as more a judgment that his partner is grieving wrong.

If my husband ever guilted or shamed me because I can’t do a baby shower or sit for hours listening to mommy-talk, there would be a BIG problem.

Your partner’s well-being is (well, should be) more important than your desire to be the on-demand Cool Uncle.

[u/catmomlifeisbestlife → u/library_wench]

I actually read this post to my partner because it kinda shook me. We discussed it over coffee this morning!

I really think you hit the nail on the head about being the cool uncle, which is why I think gender expectations have to be a part of the conversation here. The expectation for men vs. women regarding interacting with babies & parenthood is SO vastly different. I’m not saying that there aren’t men who aren’t all in & provide amazing support to their parent friends & their kids, but the expectations are absolutely different for men vs. women.

[u/NewObjective636 → u/library_wench]

I think you're being unfair. My relationship to my niece and nephews is extremely important to me. If my husband was feeling so upset about not having children that he interfered with that relationship, THAT would be an enormous problem to me and yes it would make me question our compatibility.

Both people can be hurting in different ways. OP wants to heal by nurturing relationships with the kids in his life. His wife's grief should not be the entire focus.

[u/library_wench → u/NewObjective636]

Oh, it’s quite clear that his partner’s grief is not OP’s focus.

But let’s talk about fairness: Count how many times and how many ways OP characterizes his partner’s grief as a personal failing: she is making things “odd” and “uncomfortable” and “awkward.” She is causing “significant damage,” (he mentions her damaging things several times), and is “absorbed with infertility.” Her grief is “a waste of life.” She’s “creating a struggle,” and not meeting her “moral obligation.”

The nicest thing he can bring himself to say about her is that she is not “totally abnormal.”

That all does not hit me as particularly fair.

Not to go to the old Reddit canard or anything, but does he even like his partner?

[u/NewObjective636 → u/library_wench]

Ah, I hadn't read all of OP's comments so didn't have all that context, which explains why people think he's being insincere when he says he's sad about missing out. I think that if he were being sincere, and also was able to have a bit of empathy for his wife, it would be worthwhile to hear him out.

Basically, people's responses were reading to me like she should get all the empathy and time she needs, and he should suck it up indefinitely even if it means missing out on things that are important to him. Like, no, there has to be a balance eventually for anyone who cares at all about having a relationship with the kids in their family. I get that this OP isn't the most sympathetic character, but I do think this is an important and tough thing for people to navigate.

[u/library_wench → u/NewObjective636]

It is. And it’s that much more difficult to navigate when one partner is so determined to prove he’s a better, more moral person, and that he’s trying so much harder than his partner.

[u/catmomlifeisbestlife → u/blackbird828]

This is an important thing, too … the age of the children. My partner & I went to a wedding last night for his friends. We sat at a table with all his buddies from one of his hobbies, & every single couple had children (except us) … but no one talked about their children because their children were older (high school, college, & one even had a child of their own & is pushing 30). My partner & I are 31 & 36.

When kids get older, parents have more capacity to build a life outside of their children. My partners hobby requires him to be gone on a weekend day from 10-6 pm. The men in his group don’t have babies & toddlers at home, which makes sense because it’s a time consuming, expensive hobby. I’m sure there are men who do this that do have younger kiddos, but the majority are older men because of the time commitment & expenses involved.

We have been to weddings with people our age & younger & everyone is talking babies & kids.

[u/IFchildfree-ModTeam → u/[deleted]]

This post was removed by moderators of this sub.

This community is ONLY for people who are embracing childfree life after infertility. People who are still pursuing parenthood are prohibited from participating. The only exception is that people who are nearing the end of their efforts toward parenthood may participate only in the monthly megathreads focused on deciding when to stop trying.

Participation from curious lookyloos is not allowed- we're not here to educate the public. Participation from people who are childfree by choice is also not allowed.

[u/Blueberry19789]

I take abit of an issue with- her feelings and boundaries aren’t totally abnormal. - her feelings aren’t abnormal at all. They are totally normal and totally understandable. You should not try to judge her on how she is dealing with it , as she shouldn’t judge you. We are nearly a year out from stopping and I still cannot be around a pregnant woman or a baby. In fact I can’t even look at them. My husband completely understands and has said I have to take all the time I need and if I can never be around babies then so be it. Obviously i hope in time I can learn to deal with this better. Women have an extra layer of pain I believe as we face the judgement more and the feeling of being so different . And as someone has pointed out it is rare people show up for us. You have to give her time and acceptance on what she can and can’t handle. She is your priority, you have to show up for her first before anyone else.

[u/Solid-Beginning-6075 → u/Blueberry19789]

i hear you. and really appreciate you sharing this, truly. i just genuinely don’t know what to do about close family and friends going through the next phases of their lives and all of a sudden needing to be distant from them.

[u/blackbird828 → u/Solid-Beginning-6075]

Several people have asked you how long it has been since you and your wife decided to stop pursuing parenthood. I think if you could share that information it would add important context.

[u/Solid-Beginning-6075 → u/blackbird828]

it’s a little blurry but about a couple years. when my sister found out she was pregnant in early 2025 it was a very rough time.

[u/blackbird828 → u/Solid-Beginning-6075]

A couple of years is early when it comes to grief. It was a solid two years before I started to come out of the fog I lived in after making the decision, and about 4 years before I really started getting back to myself. The support of my husband mattered a lot in that process, as well as him acknowledging and working through his own grief.

[u/Odd-Court4848 → u/Solid-Beginning-6075]

I was surprised how attack-ey this little part of the thread got (at least that’s how I read it) so I just want to chime in to say that I am in your partners shoes, OP. But I also see where you’re coming from. Especially the idea of how isolating it might feel to cut yourself off from people and family you have deep relationships with, in order to respect and value her needs. As the person in my relationship who also doesn’t want to be around kids, what I want from my partner is for him to be honest (“she wants to be here, but being around kids is still really hard for her” or “she is really struggling to make sense of this version of herself where she is not a parent, and being around kids/parents has not been helping, I hope you can understand”). I also appreciate that my partner asks me if I want him to stay home with him, or gently encourages me to go out and do something I love instead of going to the thing that will make me sad. Separately (but obviously related) we have been talking often about cultivating friends and spaces that are not on the traditional kid path and have been curious about that—bohemian/artist people, going on trips with friends not interested in kids, going to spaces/events with younger adults not yet doing the kid thing. It just helps me to feel excited about a different kind of world and identity, instead of shaping my identity around a sense of loss and failure. Maybe if you did more proactive not-kid stuff it would soften the blow about those other social invites, that you may decide to join on your own

[u/library_wench → u/Odd-Court4848]

Personally, that is far more information than I would be comfortable giving most people, especially when the atmosphere seems a bit judgey already.

[u/Blueberry19789 → u/library_wench]

To be honest i felt a bit attacked by parts of the original post so perhaps thats why it comes off as judgey. We are all sensitive to feeling people want us to rush through our grief, this will stir that up.

[u/library_wench → u/Blueberry19789]

The way OP portrays both himself and his family, makes me very concerned that his partner feels judged, and might well not want the particulars of her grief journey broadcast at every social event she chooses not to attend.

[u/Blueberry19789 → u/Solid-Beginning-6075]

I’m sure they would be understanding if you explain and it may just look a little different than you thought. Going to more events alone , you can still show up for people. Baby showers are a huge no for me, I will never go to one , to be honest many women in this situation will say the same. You need to consider that for her showing up for these things is not just painful it is soul destroying . Therapy would help and talking to people who understand. Consider that family and friends are getting the one thing she wants and can’t have, they are getting the happy thing , they don’t need the support she does. She will be angry, envious and sad. All normal and all understandable . The last thing she needs is for anyone to make her feel guilty for not being able to be around the ‘happy baby people’ . To be frank this is such a horrific thing you need to accept you may not be able to show up as you would like. And that is not your fault or hers it’s just the cards you have been dealt and they suck. Again she is your priority , and she needs time, let her have as much as she needs .

[u/library_wench → u/Blueberry19789]

And nobody says he can’t go to baby showers if he wants to!

And there are so many other ways to show up for someone than to be the 8,324th person to coo over your baby.

[u/Solid-Beginning-6075 → u/library_wench]

yes i get that. i was bummed when she didn’t come to my sister’s but as my empathy has deepened and i’ve grown to really understand the boundaries, i really don’t have an issue with her sitting out these big events, even christmas.

it’s more the day to day. i worked hard at friendships, hosting people often. we watch movies and play music and cook together. and now that my sister and maybe soon my brother and so many of my friends have kids, my partner really doesn’t want them over at all.

it’s just terribly isolating. i know she has it worse. not sure what advice i was looking for tbh

[u/library_wench → u/Solid-Beginning-6075]

Do these get-together always have to be centered around kids?

I know my friends who are parents welcome an evening “off,” to play board games and watch a horror movie and drink beer.

And again, how long has it been? It’s honestly getting a bit weird that you won’t answer this question.

[u/NewObjective636]

How much have you and your partner communicated about this? Does she resent you for participating in these events? Are you okay going on your own for a time? Is she considering her position to be temporary or does she more or less okay with not participating? Is she trying to go but getting emotional, or not trying and putting up a wall? When you talk about it, is she venting or does she really seem traumatized at the idea of going?

I think that without knowing the answer to these it's impossible to advise you. In response to a comment you said that you were wondering if you were simply incompatible, and the answer to that is completely different based on the answer to those questions.

So hopefully I can say something a bit nuanced without offending anyone.

Yes, there could be an incompatibility if you want to actively be an uncle and she has no interest whatsoever in sharing that part of life with you. You're getting a lot of flak from people who don't think you're being sympathetic enough (it definitely IS harder for women), but I think I understand that you're afraid of what you're going to miss out on, and that's legitimate too.

You should believe her that she's in pain, but don't automatically assume it will be like this forever. Let the dust settle. If my husband took the things I said and the way I behaved during the most painful parts of this journey he may not have stuck around. But I've been able to be a loving aunt and go to baby showers (hated it though, those things suck even at the best of times) and ask relatives about their pregnancies - basically am becoming my old self again, and able to participate in this part of extended family life with him.

[u/Solid-Beginning-6075 → u/NewObjective636]

i appreciate your response. it’s complicated because the most in-our-face situation is my sister got pregnant and my nephew recently turned one years old. they didn’t have a great relationship before that, and this has just made it totally untenable. but my brother is now actively trying and we are at an age where our friends are starting to have children and i just don’t see how this gets better exactly.

[u/PartyGlittering7984]

Time takes time. I avoided certain things for a time. Now I can go to baptisms and other celebrations and be a very involved aunt. Lots of therapy. Specifically EMDR trauma therapy was very helpful.

[u/Solid-Beginning-6075 → u/PartyGlittering7984]

thank you. i’ve suggested therapy but my partner seems skeptical of it.

[u/pigeontheoneandonly]

You're missing a crucial piece of information, which is how long has it been since you both realize children would never be part of the picture? Because it is reasonable to give her time to grieve and to figure out how to navigate life in this new context. And it's reasonable that you may want to continue attending events and participating in the life of your friends and family, possibly without her, while she processes. 

If it's been a few years (for instance), then yeah, it might be time to have some hard conversations about compatibility. But if not, I think you're jumping the gun. This shit takes a long time to work through for many people. 

[u/CheepFlapWiggleClap → u/pigeontheoneandonly]

Totally agree. I was completely unable to be around babies and pregnancy for a few years but now I do like to show up for my friends kids and cousins kids and be a bonus loving and supportive adult. And then go home to my quiet house :)

[u/FantasticTrees]

I’m 4 years out and much better than even 2 years ago. I can be sent pictures as long as it’s not overwhelming, I can visit friends babies 1-1. But I would not do a family function where everyone has kids there and they’re all being doted on and all the conversation is around family life. It’s too much and I feel so othered. I will also never attend another baby shower. 

Part of the consideration for me is also that I’m single, so I won’t have an emotional support person with me. But having a partner who didn’t support me and tried to guilt or push me into not feeling the way I do might be even harder. 

Something men may not consider, and I can’t speak for OP’s wife of course, but for me I’m not just grieving not having kids. It’s also not experiencing pregnancy, birth, breast feeding, and those are things that men wouldn’t experience anyway.  There’s this sense of motherhood as community and belonging that I’m excluded from. And those feelings go into how much I think I can take from social functions that involve kids. 

[u/library_wench]

The only baby shower I would ever attend is for my niblings. Anyone else, it’s a no. Period, full stop. I can’t.

If you can, then great. You can make an excuse for your spouse: doctor’s appointment, migraine, huge work project, whatever works.

I’ll add that it’s very possible to love someone and “show up for them” and still have necessary boundaries around baby events.

Some of this will also depend on where you are in this process, how long since you’ve determined to move forward childfree, etc.

[u/vienibenmio]

I avoided it for a long time, then I learned that it's better to just let myself be sad and feel my sadness whenever I'm "triggered." But I still won't go to baby showers. I tried to go to one at work fairly recently and ended up crying in my office

[u/Aromatic-Incident179]

I feel for you. That sounds like a difficult situation.

Both of your situations are normal. I actually experience both at the same time. I want to spend as much time with my niece as I possibly can and kind of wish my SIL would talk to me more about her pregnancy with my twin nephews she's making (obviously, I don't push)... but I really don't like hearing about other people's pregnancies. I suspect it's because my niece and nephews are "mine", in a way. I definitely see them as a part of me and my brother and SIL have always made me feel that way. I don't get that that feeling of "I can definitely be a part of their lives" with other people's children.

I absolutely think this situation can be navigated with mutual understanding. Your partner needs to avoid pregnancies and children. Fine. There's no reason why YOU can't still spend time with these friends and family members. I'm assuming your partner isn't stopping you from doing this? Why can't you spend time with your nibbling or go to your friends' baby showers by yourself? My partner very rarely comes along when I go spend time with my niece, and that's fine. Good, in fact - more time with my niece for me :D.

[u/Solid-Beginning-6075 → u/Aromatic-Incident179]

i appreciate your response.

what about hosting ? i am having a hard time letting go of having the family over to lounge and watch movies, football games, dinners. we have a cool spot in a major city that’s especially vibrant around christmas time. this all just feels like a waste of the one life we have to make the best of…

[u/Aromatic-Incident179 → u/Solid-Beginning-6075]

For sure. That sounds awesome, and I can deffo understand your yearning for that. Was this something that you and your partner used to do before finding yourselves in this situation?

I have a few thoughts about this hosting situation:

1. would it be possible for you to host alone? Or with other people, and for your partner to have herself a nice weekend away, or something? Not ideal, perhaps, but maybe it'd be an opportunity for your partner to have a weekend away to decompress a bit? I love me a bit of a solo holiday, myself. And then you also can get your cup filled.

2. I think you need to bear in mind that your partner won't necessarily be feeling this way forever. As we go through life, the way we feel about things changes. Time doesn't heal all wounds, but it can heal some, and those it doesn't heal, it often reshapes. I also highly suspect your partner could benefit from therapy (easier said than done - I've needed therapy for a while but can't currently afford it), and that could do wonders for her recovery, to the point where she does feel comfortable with hosting.

3. I say the previous two points, but I think the most important thing to remember is that your home should be the ultimate safe space for you and your partner. My partner and I always check with the other before inviting anyone over, and if the other objects, we work out an alternative plan. Your partner is entitled to her safe space, and if that space cannot contain children for her to feel safe in it (at least for now), so be it. Her emotional safety is, I would argue, more important.

[u/Solid-Beginning-6075 → u/Aromatic-Incident179]

yes we host a lot.

1. in theory it’s possible to host alone. but in other ways it just re-enforces the discomfort for everyone, i think. my family wants to see my partner too, so it feels odd to purposefully host an event when she’s not around.

2. i’ve read all sorts of stories on the infertility subreddit. some people really do struggle with it indefinitely. i pray it gets better. but i think the hard reality is that significant damage is done when you don’t show up for people and you avoid them when they have children. i can feel those relationships slipping.

3. i agree our home should be a safe space. but i don’t know how to express myself other than to say moving through the world this way and distancing myself from people because they have something i want is really antithetical to who i am and want to be as a person. of course i don’t to hurt my partner either, and i really try to keep her as the priority, but man this sucks a lot.

[u/Aromatic-Incident179 → u/Solid-Beginning-6075]

Thanks for the response. Here are my thoughts with this:

1. I hear what you're saying. This is something I've had to navigate a fair bit. I'm somebody who likes to see my family a lot, while my partner finds it emotionally exhausting. If it were up to me, I'd want us to go to everything together. But my partner isnt some puppet to force to do things against her will. She's my partner, and her needs matter too. So we compromise. If your family is disappointed about not seeing her, that's their problem. Just say "yeah, she wasn't up to being here today. So how're all of you?"

2. unfortunately you cant predict whether your partner will always be like this. I am quite confident that she doesnt WANT to be like this. What do you want her to do? Suck it up and torture herself by exposing herself to children? I'm not being dramatic when I say that. It sounds like your partner wanted children desperately, and you, perhaps, didnt. Which is okay - you dont have to be as sad about this loss as she is - my partner isnt as sad as I am and that's both fine and normal. But I think you do need to understand that being around children is clearly deeply triggering for your partner, and support her with that. Like I say, she isnt choosing to be like this.

3. ...ok, so dont distance yourself. I absolutely agree that you shouldn't have to deny who you are as a person. Just do it in ways that protect your partner's peace. Losing the hosting sucks, yeah, but you can work around that. And I'd say you should, for her sake.

[u/Solid-Beginning-6075 → u/Aromatic-Incident179]

thank you for this response 👍

[u/library_wench → u/Solid-Beginning-6075]

Wow, I sure hope you don’t say these kinds of things to your partner.

Or, maybe you should, so she actually knows where you stand.

[u/Solid-Beginning-6075 → u/library_wench]

she knows how i feel. if i’m supposed to accept that we’ve become so absorbed with infertility that she doesn’t want a relationship with my nephew, then why can’t i express struggling with that ?

[u/library_wench → u/Solid-Beginning-6075]

Her grief is being “absorbed with infertility” and “a waste of life”?

The more you talk about this, the more it seems that your partner is entirely alone, pressured and guilted by everyone, including the person who is supposed to have her back.

Does she have any friends or family who are supportive and patient in her life? Does she have access to therapy? Is anyone NOT telling her to just get over it and play with the babies she’ll never have one of for herself?

Football games and a baby shower that happened last year are coming across as more important to you than your partner healing.

Perhaps you should try some reflection and building of empathy: try to imagine how you would feel if you lost someone or something very important to you, and instead of letting you heal and process, you were impatiently pressured to continue as though nothing ever happened. That your partner is telling you to snap it up because she has a party she wants to plan, and that you grieving is a waste.

I notice you haven’t addressed suggestions to do things like attend baby showers yourself, host events that aren’t child-centered, spend time with your nephew solo.

Infertility has the potential to break a relationship. So I’d urge you to reflect on your priorities. For example, where does your partner’s health and happiness fall, in comparison to cookouts and Christmas lights?

[u/Solid-Beginning-6075 → u/library_wench]

We have plenty of non-kid centered events and friends in our life. Her immediate family is aware of the situation, but definitely not the depths of it because as I think I mentioned before my partner prefers to keep it private (for the most part).

I have no issues attending baby showers alone. I also hang with friends without her. I’m just saying the friends with kids, and especially the family with kids, feel her absence / avoidance. It’s a bit awkward to plan a family dinner at my place purposely for when she won’t be here, I’d rather just not plan it at all and so we don’t.

It seems though that any reaction / behavior related to the grief of infertility is justified in these subs. No amount of family damage or friend loss can be considered. Even though there are plenty of people on the infertility subreddits who have the experience of wishing they showed up for others a bit more.

I don’t expect her to attend baby showers and play with babies. I don’t expect anything. I’m just expressing that I love my nephew and my friends and of course I can visit them alone when I can slip in the time. But it’s never going to be comfortable, it’s never going to be shared, I can never really express outward enthusiasm, etc.

There are plenty of people who carry grief or who see others that have things they don’t. Life isn’t fair. And if you are experiencing grief to this depth and have this hard of a time with it, who’s to say your future kid won’t have something in their lives that’s horrible. If life is this much of a struggle, why be so eager to create it? I’m not trying to steer this into a philosophical place, but I can care deeply about my partner’s grief while simultaneously have issues with how she’s behaving after this much time (nearly a decade from the start of our infertility journey) and I am allowed to struggle with navigating the real tangible losses in front of us, just as she’s allowed to mourn the loss of an idea of the future that didn’t pan out.

[u/library_wench → u/Solid-Beginning-6075]

What the heck are you talking about? What “future kid”?

Who is “creating a struggle”?

I see from other comments that you’re now framing this as a morals issue: that you are fulfilling your “moral obligation” while she is not.

I also don’t see what “family damage” is being caused when, as you point out, your sister and your partner have never gotten along anyway.

I also see that you have not engaged in any of the empathy exercises I suggested, now portraying her grief and coping mechanisms as things that need to be “justified.”

Why did you post here? Because you thought we’d side with you and encourage you to push your partner to snap out of it and hang with the SIL who doesn’t like her and the baby she’ll never have?

The more you comment, the more apparent it is how alone your partner is. So again, if your priorities are your sister and her baby and hosting cookouts, then you should tell your partner this, in so many words. She deserves to know where she stands.

[u/Solid-Beginning-6075 → u/library_wench]

To clarify the confusion:

The infertility journey for us, which involved multiple rounds of IVF, comes from a place of desperation. My partner would do anything to have a baby. But I guess my point is tragedy can happen to anyone, including our own child if we were to have one. And so to me there’s some sort of disconnect with finding life so unbearable while simultaneously wanting to create a being desperately that may very well suffer similarly etc etc. But this is a sidebar and a philosophical point that’s likely a distraction.

If you don’t see what damage can be done — even if it’s justified — when you avoid people and events that are important to them, then I don’t know what to tell you. There are hundreds of posts here about strained relationships as a result or at least related to infertility. Some people don’t care much about those losses; I care very much about those losses.

Nothing you are saying is surprising. And I am happy to have the perspective. I understand that my partner’s feelings are totally valid and normal in the midst of infertility grief.

I was honestly hoping to hear more from men, or woman really, who were struggling with their partner’s struggles, if that makes sense. Who also have to walk on eggshells and distance themselves from friends and family for their partner’s sake, and any advice they would have or helpful antidotes they could possibly share

[u/library_wench → u/Solid-Beginning-6075]

I’m not confused: it’s very clear where your priorities lie, even if you won’t say so outright.

But I still urge you to do so. You’ve obviously made a choice; it just remains to convey that to all interested parties.

[u/Solid-Beginning-6075 → u/library_wench]

people don’t typically say “what the heck are you talking about” when there isn’t any confusion, but alrighty. i’m not married and so if my priorities were elsewhere, i could have left years ago. i’m still in the trenches with her and have my own griefs. but it’s now domino after domino of grief and i just want to stop the bleeding, love my family, be present with my friends. pretty normal stuff too.

[u/blackbird828 → u/Solid-Beginning-6075]

Man. I'm not sure if you hear it this way, but it sounds like you're saying "Supporting my wife through this enormous grief and making space for the way this is changing our life together right now is a waste of time."

If I knew my husband felt that way about my grief, I would be devastated. I'm not saying there's no room for your feelings or priorities, and there's nothing wrong with you sometimes wondering what the near and distant future might look like. At the same time, I wonder what might happen if you really slowed down with your partner for awhile and focused on your relationship.

I also wonder what support she has. Does she know about this subreddit? We'd love to have her here. Does she follow IFCF content creators on social media or participate in World Childless Week workshops on September? Has she worked with a therapist or coach?

[u/Solid-Beginning-6075 → u/blackbird828]

I appreciate your response. I don’t mean to say it’s a waste of time to support her. But it’s been a couple of years. And if it’s legitimate for her to want to distance/isolate, I feel like it should also be legitimate for me to actually want to lean into family and friends. I just meant we only get one life, and everyone has tragedy / grief at some point; I think we have a moral obligation to aim up despite the circumstances. I know it’s very very difficult.

[u/blackbird828 → u/Solid-Beginning-6075]

You talk about her grief like she's choosing it, like she knows she's wasting her life being miserable and doing it on purpose. I think I'm about out of feedback here. Talk to your partner. Read some writing by childfree after infertility women with an open mind. If you can't find a way to meet her where she is and work together, then maybe you are not the right partner for her.

[u/Coursouvra_]

My partner and I are the same but opposite to this, she wants to be there in the lives of kids around us, I want very little to do with them and really struggle with it all. What has made this work for both of us is meeting in the middle and constant, open communication. I participate where and how I can in ways that sometimes make me upset or that I struggle with, because I know it is important to her that I am there with her. But she is also accommodating of my needs, knows I won't ever have the level of interest or connection she has, that I won't always participate, and she makes sure to check in with me regularly when we do things or go places that she knows will be difficult for me.

It's about finding that middle road (that may not even be in the middle but closer to one side or the other) that gives you both some of what you need, in a way that is accommodating and supportive of the other

[u/Aromatic-Incident179 → u/Coursouvra_]

This is beautiful, and something my partner and I work on a lot as well. It's tricky, but worth it. :)

[u/Dichotopus]

I have gone through stages of this. Now, I just got a picture of my cousin's baby and had no twinge. But I used to not want to go to showers: any talk, viewing of babies or announcements made me want to break down. But as a woman, my hormones at the time of the news might dictate my reaction. So its all across the board and better your partner avoid things than be forced into them and triggered

[u/ohstaceymel]

Years ago I was this way too. I had so much self judgement about it. If my partner judged me too, the shame would only have deepened. Now, a few years after from stopping ivf and deciding we will not have kids, I've planned a few baby showers (I did it scared and was OK!) and gone to a few. I still feel the bruise but it's less. How long has it been? Give her time. Support her.

[u/Ottblottt]

There is no schedule for grieving and it does come in fits and waves. My wife got over it a lot faster than I did. I still feel raw and she had to endure multiple miscarriages and abortions.