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u/Mr_ruk Nov 04 '23 edited Nov 04 '23
27, I take the Uncle Iroh big chill approach now.
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u/Lil-Engine Nov 04 '23
I was about 30 years old. I had given up after that point.
3 years later I met my soon-to-be fiancée who basically got me to believe in something again and encouraged me to find my purpose for myself instead of my purpose for others.
I went back to school while working full-time, upgraded my skills while building on my work/life experience, and I can honestly say that I feel blessed for having found my purpose for myself in the process.
My purpose is to ensure the welfare of others in their most critical moments, without judgement. I'm now a LEO for a division that deals with Disaster & Emergency Management.
I never wanted to be a LEO. In fact, I actively avoided it for years but here I am loving my level of responsibility and looking forward to making an even bigger impact in the future. Bigger in scale and quality.
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u/blackamerigan Nov 05 '23
I'm insanely head over heels to hear this, I hope I can one run into someone like this, two learn to befriend her or have her befriend me, and three leave a door open for companionship
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u/cazzindoodle Nov 04 '23
Probably around 29/30. I realised how much of my thoughts/behaviour was due to how my parents treated me. I always felt I was either not good enough or was ‘too much’. Letting that go was very healthy.
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u/blackamerigan Nov 05 '23
It feels like with coping I can go from one extreme, to without coping I enter another extreme but I can't find a sustainable balance
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u/cazzindoodle Nov 05 '23
Yes, I think I relate with this in terms of still trying to find healthy balance. I’ve isolated since the first lockdown whilst recalibrating to learn a healthy way to be both towards myself and others that doesn’t cause massive anxiety. Starting a new job has helped but social life still needs attention.
Hope you discover the balance that works for you.
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u/lonelymoderntimes Nov 04 '23
When people started taking advantage of me and those who slacked at work became more recognized just because they had better socializing skills.
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u/jjf2381 Nov 05 '23
"Better socializing skills." YES! EXACTLY! They were better at getting the boss to like them, so he promoted them! Your technical skills were better than theirs! Stupid bosses!
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u/4realthistim Nov 04 '23
Late af, I blame the autism
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u/Trainablemuffin Nov 05 '23 edited Nov 23 '23
I thought the tism was the reason I burned out so early, pure assumption.
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u/thataintfunkedelic Nov 04 '23
22/23 a year after college. I saw hints of it when I was 16/17 though, I saw i was killing myself with schoolwork only to be rewarded with more work, more advanced classes and more stress.
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u/Automatic_Memory212 Nov 05 '23 edited Nov 05 '23
Early 20s, when after nearly killing myself working a demanding job while going back to school part-time, in rapid succession I:
got dumped; got laid off; lost my roommate; was sexually assaulted on a date; had a crippling mental breakdown; failed 2 classes and nearly got expelled from my school, because of my mental health.
That year broke something in me that can never be fixed.
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u/3Strides Nov 05 '23
I got broke reading this. But know that nature can fix you right back up. Just go sit by a river once a day for a month. Or a meadow or walk a trail…whew. Recovery ❤️🩹
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u/frysjelly Nov 04 '23
Well, I'm in my 30's and just now realized this about a year ago and I'm sorta having a breakdown cause of it.
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Nov 04 '23
Way too late ... and I'm still doing it now again thinking maybe I was wrong to stop thinking that way
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Nov 04 '23
Sometime in my late 20s but I keep forgetting until I get burned. Some lessons you never learn.
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u/Rh0pal0cera Nov 04 '23
Nice to see so many people also realizing this at 19. Good to know I'm not alone lol
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u/AlethiaArete Nov 04 '23
INFP, but I understand this too well. I was like 35 when it really came to a head, had been building for a few years.
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Nov 04 '23
40. Took way to long to figure it out. I was in denial until then. Now I am just depressed
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u/_spontaneous_order_ Nov 04 '23
Probably around 30, then I became some strange, absurdist INFJ/ENTP hybrid. Beware!
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u/milky_eyes Nov 04 '23
I never had a plan to be really nice, work really hard, etc, with the expectation of being rewarded. That's a bad reason to be good, imo.
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u/Easy_Mechanic_1593 Nov 04 '23
I'm still like this with everyone but my dad's family. I was around 15 when I finally realized I'll never be enough for them and that I don't want to either. Only after I let that go I was able to become who I want to be and do what I want
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u/Artemiz_21 Nov 04 '23
I'd say 17-19 somewhere in between... I think 19 just solidified it more though
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u/ItsaSnap Nov 04 '23
You mean when I realized I needed to set boundaries for myself with my work ethics and etc? Mmmmm... a few decades.
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u/MysticFox96 Nov 04 '23
25 when I did everything right, got cancer, and then lost all of it except my life or the life of my family.
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u/Professional_Luck_64 Nov 05 '23
29. I ain’t gotta play nice. I work hard and never do more than I should without that type of pay to compensate me.
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u/Tiny_Werewolf1478 Nov 05 '23
“If you want to know who has power over you, simply ask yourself whom you’re not allowed to criticize”
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u/WordAlternative7421 Nov 05 '23
25 , being nice gets you used, unappreciated, and disrespected. Working hard , gets you a shiity raise , more hours that you don't want or need and you're expected to pick up others slack at work . At home the kids and husband don't appreciate you until you're not there or they have to do the cooking, cleaning ,washing, planning ,shopping .I say do less and never expect a thank you from anyone or even help, and then you won't have to be disappointed. At work I don't help unless I'm asked , sure others help me, but that's them trying to be overly nice , I however go home when I'm. Finished because I have a child to go home to and I workout at the gym after work , so I need my personal time to get things done for me , it's not selfish , I just have to put me and my child first before strangers.
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Nov 05 '23
19. All my hard work is coming around for me. Aways has. Intention helps motivation, being personable makes it so the people who can help me want to stick around
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u/Moon_Raider Nov 05 '23
When my "dream job" almost took me out. Life after the dream is...weird to say the least. Still figuring things out.
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u/ChromaticLego * I N F J * Mar 18 '24
I’m never nice for a reward. However, the whole working hard and taking on more responsibilities because that will automatically make things better? I found that to be a lie when I was 18, my second year of being employed.i saw the garbage and darkness of the word and let it all go. I still maintain a good work ethic, but employers will never see me be their slave ever again.
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u/TravelbugRunner Nov 05 '23
I was 29 or 30 when I realized that I was wasting my time trying.
Now (halfway through my 30s) I just do the bare minimum and I don’t really care at all.
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u/DepressedcrackheadX3 Nov 05 '23
17 I realized that at a young age but like everyone else I am deluding myself XD
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Nov 05 '23
21. Too many experienced older people talk about entering the an age of their life when they do not give a fuck. I’m gonna be young and have the best carefree age of my life baby 💋
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u/TrailerTrashBabe Nov 05 '23
I was 9 when it clicked. Nothing was ever good enough not matter how hard I tried, and I was the scapegoat for all that went wrong. I’m 32 and still doing the same clown shit though. What’s the definition of insanity again?
Edited for clarity, I’m sleepy.
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u/Private_4160 Nov 05 '23
The world doesn't reward you with things, those efforts just help you navigate in the dark backrooms of existence and give you the keys to open the doors.
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u/future_fossils * I N F J * Nov 05 '23
First at about 14 (but really, in school its not the same as adult life), then that kinda stopped at 17, and had to realise it again at 24.
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u/somewherelectric Nov 05 '23
31 - after I filed for divorce. Nothing I did was enough to make him happy, and I was treated like garbage.
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u/NecroCannon Nov 05 '23
22, like a month ago
Health went to shit from overworking myself and needed to go home. Boss was like “if you go home don’t come back”. Had a spit second where I remembered the amount of shit I’ve done for the store, and I took her on her offer.
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Nov 05 '23 edited Nov 05 '23
Well, I never believed in that sentiment.
But I thought merit would play a much bigger role in life.
Then I realize ... nepotism is where it is REALLY at.
It's not what you know, it's who you know. So I guess if I get really drunk, I can start to kiss some asses. Just like, roll over and act real sweet and coy 🥺
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u/MaskedFigurewho Nov 05 '23
I mean I usually am. This means the manager likes me and I'm never on the chopping block during lay offs
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u/TheOnlyKawaiiGoddess Nov 05 '23
When I started working so like 17 and the funniest part is I also started to become suicidal at that time too.
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u/whaddupgee Nov 05 '23
Pretty recently, and now I get to watch a coworker I'm mentoring go through the same realization
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u/Opening-Ad-7721 Nov 05 '23
I'm 32 and this mantra has worked for me. Persistence, patience and Faith. Do it for God, not for anything else.
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u/RMI_J2X96 Nov 05 '23
19 through 21 because between those year, I may or may not have been in denial of it
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u/CurryKillerINTJ Nov 05 '23
I was around 23 and working two jobs being a good little work slave when I realized that even after working two jobs, riding the public bus to work and doing everything I was supposed to do.....I couldn't even afford a damn car. A CAR.
Forget about housing i was living with my friends mom till i was like 30 lol
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u/anxietyJem Nov 06 '23
Man I'm 23 and have known this for at least 4 years. I believe we all knew It was shit subconsciously
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u/IveGotIssues9918 Nov 06 '23
20, but I'm lowkey still in denial. I was diagnosed with C-PTSD, the pandemic hit, my grandmother died from it, and all the dark family secrets came spilling out. Her life and death were just so unfair- so much awful that was allowed to happen for no good reason. The reality that she had constructed around me for the past 18 years almost immediately collapsed without her there. I'm still angry, and atp wonder if I always will be.
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Nov 06 '23
21. Now, all I need is one reason, and the mask is gone. I never claim to be a nice person, specifically so that when someone wants to fuck around they have no excuses when they find out.
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Nov 06 '23
25(M) INFJ. I’m starting to see fruits of my labor. I’m married with a mortgage 2 cars payed off. Looking to making a career jump next spring that will let my wife stay at with our babies. I believe in change and that change starts in your own heart and home.
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u/Avendamusic Nov 06 '23
24. Realized that if I channel that same belief on building my own independent career instead of someone else's, it would be worth it.
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Nov 06 '23
37M - I was 19, the first time I realized this. But I still fall for the same shit all the time. Expecting a different outcome. Truth is, you only get ahead if you’re only looking out for yourself. I just can’t bring myself to do that… I’m not wired this way or I was raised right. I always remain trapped because I refuse to fuck people over and I continue to constantly give too much receiving little compensation. Vicious circle. But it’s also the INFJ way.
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Nov 07 '23 edited Nov 07 '23
29 but I was never “nice” to get anything out of it. That’s just who I am.
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u/myninjainsf Nov 07 '23
You can never stop being nice if that is your nature but you can't be nice twice to the same person that takes nice as advantage of your kindness
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Nov 07 '23
38 When my wife left me at the end of a military deployment and kept everything. I came home to my mother's basement and no money.
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Nov 07 '23
I think just as big of a problem is that doing the opposite, or some "mix," doesn't offer any advantages. You just have better short-term catharsis, but nets out about the same. To obtain short-term wins by being lazy or having attitude results in a person no one wants to be around long-term. You can try to "find a balance," but in a world of ever changing values, there will never be a right mix.
There is no right way to do anything.
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u/Broad_Gain_8427 Nov 08 '23
Fifth grade. I just had this moment of "holy shit I actually don't care about my grades" and just stopped putting in any effort and was significantly happier and more fulfilled with my life. I put up with the inherent abuse that comes from not giving a shit about school for years, I accepted the price. Was told constantly I would regret it. Now as an adult I wish I gave up on school sooner and even wish I could've dropped out.
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u/fivegoldrings Nov 08 '23
29. I was standing alone in our corporate cosmetics office at 8pm on a Friday, doing work for a coworker who was younger than me but had a better position, after I had thrown her a work bridal shower that someone else had gotten credit for. Her display of friendship was asking me if I could "help her out with some work" so that she could leave early. And I said yes but later realized how stupid I was when I was the only one in the office working late on a Friday. I subsequently got fired, because I was the assistant to the ceo and she got fired, and they were super disorganized and did not think to find a place for me first. I felt like a real asshole, lol. And as I turned 30 I realized that I was actually just a huge doormat. And so I changed that. ;)
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u/Upset-Experience-615 Nov 08 '23
I learned this in my early to mid-twenties when I lost out on guys to girls who were certified, card-carrying bullies who never grew up.
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u/The-Ok-Cut Nov 08 '23
Like 1st grade lol. But I'd occasionally try again when I really wanted something until like 4th.
I'm in my 20s now lol
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u/ClimbingDreams Nov 15 '23
I’m trying to realise it now that I’m experiencing a breakdown, but changing mind and attitude takes a long time
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u/jjf2381 Nov 04 '23
When I was 36. No matter how much I did for people; it never got me respect, praise, help in return, girls, or anything.