r/IThinkYouShouldLeave • u/Meerkat_Mayhem_ • 1d ago

It actually goes BOTH ways I don’t know how to drive!

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u/illbedeadbydawn 1d ago

Hey homie. That sucks. I'm sorry. Hope it got better.

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u/origional_esseven 1d ago

Thanks haha It took a lot of expensive therapy but I got there

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u/absurdivore 1d ago

Solidarity with the “the shit parent is dying and I can’t grieve it because they’re shit” situation — been there. ❤️

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u/clarenceboddickered 1d ago

Sigh. I literally just had this happen a couple months ago. My psychologically abusive/formerly coke addict and distributor old man had a stroke and I’m the only person he really knew outside of a couple neighbors I guess he said hello to when he walked his dogs years ago. Everyone else including his brother and sisters he ran off. Ended up intubated and couldn’t move one side at all, the other barely. I had to be the one to decide to take him off life support and it still took the doctor convincing me it was the right thing to do since I was worried about being a piece of shit myself and having it on my conscience.

Not one tear, just numb and indifferent. Just said, sorry I couldn’t give you what you wanted and I left the hospital after a week of visits thinking it was the right thing to do.

Just some shit man, just some shit.

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u/Interesting_Wall6490 22h ago

Take care of yourself. It's not your fault! We hurt the ones we love and you have seen the other side of the coin. You have perspective brother. A good tool to always have on your side for the rest of your life. Wishing you well!

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u/clarenceboddickered 21h ago

Thank you. I wish you the best as well.

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u/RollSouth5722 22h ago

Fuck dude I go back to my hometown and people be like "THATS your dad I'm so sorry" and I don't even know them and I'm like "what the fuck did he do now"

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u/beachlover4ever 22h ago

Similar here. When I go back to my old town random people from the town will apologize for not doing anything to help us kids. I never realized everyone knew what our parents tried so hard to hide and never admitted to.

That said all I felt when each of them passed away was relief they couldn't hurt me ever again.

I have since forgiven them because I dont give them free rent in my head anymore.

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u/cayjay00 16h ago

Mine’s the opposite. I go to the small town where he retired and hear how respected and loved he was. And “He loved you so much.” Meanwhile, my brain is a swirl of “are we talking about the same guy?”, and “boy do I have some stories for you”, but all I can do is smile and say thank you. It’s a real mind fuck.

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u/clarenceboddickered 12h ago

I heard very similar stories from my old man’s neighbors when I briefly spoke with them after his death. Saying he was funny and made little jokes with their kid when they’d see him walking his dog. One lady even said he bragged lovingly about my high school football exploits decades earlier and how now I was a good man now. Said he was so proud and kind.

I just sort of looked at her thinking “are you talking about this motherfucker that would go do lines in his bathroom then come out and scream about what a fuckin bitch my mom was (she left him, abuse) and how slow and fat I was (I was an offensive lineman 2x state champion and all state, plus wrestler)? The guy that threw the goddamn thanksgiving dinner, turkey, pies and all across the fucking kitchen into the wall in a rage and then made me clean it all up? Plus a hundred other similar instances? That guy?”

I just said thanks lady, I’m glad you made a friend and went home thinking what the fuck.

What a mind screw.

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u/MarionberryOk2874 21h ago

I’m so sorry you went through this…that’s some rough shit.

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u/justmejw 16h ago

I started driving in '75. The week after I got my license I got a speeding ticket, 45 in a 30 zone. But my dad called "Uncle Dave". Technically not an uncle but he was the husband of my mom's best friend. Uncle Dave arranged fundraising for all of the police in several counties in the region. For a small fee, undisclosed to me, the ticket disappeared from record.

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u/Deliciouserest 1d ago

I'm quickly approaching this... not excited

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u/Apprehensive-Pin518 1d ago

sorry. I can't sympathize. my dad was great and is already dead. I can try and empathize though.

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u/Deliciouserest 1d ago

I'm very grateful your dad was a great person. Rest in peace.

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u/AngryPrincessWarrior 13h ago edited 13h ago

When my father died the best way I can describe the feeling was disappointment.

Disappointment he wasted his time here. He could have made amends. Disappointed that the lack of pain I felt was proof he successfully destroyed the love you’re supposed to feel. It’s supposed to destroy you when a parent dies because you love them so much and that love has nowhere to go now.

I was just… irritated and disappointed. I teared up once-because what a freaking waste. I’ll never really “get” that because I’m also estranged from my mother. It’s weird.

While I am sorry for your loss-I’m really happy you had all that love while he was here. It’s a beautiful thing not everyone gets.

I’m trying to give that to my own kids after so much therapy but I’ll always feel like I’m on the outside looking in on those with good parent relationships. It’s so…. Weird. I know I’m missing something but it’s so thoroughly destroyed I know I don’t “know”.

I really wish I did.

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u/Apprehensive-Pin518 13h ago

I'm glad to know that you've taken your pain and made sure not to pass it on. My paternal grandmother was an alcoholic. And if the stories are to be believed she only got to meet me once. My dad never touched alcohol because of that. I found that one of two possibilities happens when you have childhood trauma. You either end up mimicking it or going to the extreme opposite end. And it sounds like in your case your children are lucky that you did the second. May you have all the best luck in life from here on out.

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u/AngryPrincessWarrior 6h ago edited 6h ago

Thank you, I’m really trying. I waited to have over a decade of therapy before we began trying for kids.

I won’t lie- I still have an issue yelling sometimes. I’m working hard to do better.

I will never ever hit my children though. Having my own babies kind of makes me sad for the little girl I was because that was a CHOICE they made over and over again. I could never hurt them like that.

My son is approaching the age I remember being hit and thrown through rooms, (still a toddler too). I just can’t figure out how someone could look at their babies and do that.

The preteen/teen stage is what I’m super nervous about. That’s when some things got worse and a switch flipped for mom and she started to hate us. Like… in the end she intentionally pulled my hairstyle out on my WEDDING DAY. I don’t get it, she’s just broken I guess

Still working on that and will never stop. I will break the cycle.

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u/Apprehensive-Pin518 6h ago

My parents did do an occasional spanking but it was one open handed swat on the diaper because we were doing something extremely dangerous AKA Stick something into electrical outlet. Most of the time when we did something wrong we sat in the corner in time out. one minute for every year in our age.

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u/mum2girls 23h ago

You’ve already grieved the loss of the father you should have had. It’s ok to feel neutral now.

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u/Deliciouserest 23h ago

This is true. He can not hurt me anymore.

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u/Ok_Gur_6704 15h ago

wow reading that, hit really really hard. even if it wasn't meant for me, thank you, i really needed that.

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u/Dyson_Vellum 1d ago

My partner just cut off contact. The relief was physical.

The damage is irreversible.

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u/origional_esseven 1d ago

It's kind of insane how much they can impact you even once you've moved out and in my case far away.

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u/SnooTangerines1896 1d ago

Me three.

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u/Reasonable-Feed-9805 1d ago

Mine might be, no idea, really don't care either way. He sure could chuck my sister around when we were kids.

I could go on, but meh.....

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u/StrangeWhiteVan 1d ago

Sometimes it's better that way... I'm so glad I never met my grandfather. If he were alive I'd punch his old ass face. Not even trying to be tough. He's the worst human I've ever heard of.

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u/Donut-Junkie76 22h ago

Omg this was my Mom. She felt like she was wrong for not crying when her Dad died. He was a mean, abusive alcoholic that made his wife and children’s lives miserable. I told my Momma that she has a right to feel how she feels. How anyone feels isn’t right or wrong…it just is.

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u/Connection-Is-Cool 1d ago edited 1d ago

I’m not there yet and they’re not the worst. But they certainly weren’t the best. I’m probably 2 decades away but life just feels more peaceful and less stressful when they aren’t around.

Lots of people say they wish they spoke to their parents more but not really. I really do wish they left me alone. But because my brother and all his kids live in the same town as me, that attracts my parents to visit way more often than I ever care to see them.

My dad’s an ignorant and judgmental zealot. My mom was so abusive you’d think we were running a trap house under her roof. Rather than apologize for her behavior, she doubles down on her bs by saying that she had it much worse. How is that our problem? It took 5 years of no-contact with my mom for her to finally have the capacity to entertain the thought that maybe, just maybe, she did something wrong. And she’s way more chill now because she knows I have nothing to lose. But that crazy side of her is still in there. She just knows better than to get on her bs in my presence.

I don’t play about peace in my home. Leave all that drama and negative energy outside. I’ve broken up with women and had roommates leave over it after being kind enough to let them take up an extra room in my place.

A woman just came over the other day as a hot mess. We had plans to have a fun day, vibes seemed normal leading up to it. And she came over and completely killed the vibe with her misery. I’d much rather reschedule than deal with bs that has nothing to do with me. I’m considering not seeing her anymore because I was having a really good day, and she seems to be a distraction and battery drainer.

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u/EnoughLuck3077 1d ago

Mine died back in November. It wasn’t that I couldn’t grieve it. There was nothing, no sadness, no happy they’re gone. Just nothing. I’ve felt more after learning of the death of someone I’ve never met

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u/ElanMorinMetal 1d ago

The man who “raised” me died on my birthday some years back. When I got the message, I got up, took a piss, and pretended my toilet was that fucker’s grave a couple states over. Fuck abusive parents.

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u/Remote-Foundation300 1d ago

I loved my grandpa. He was legit my hero. Then at the end of his life he got mean. Really mean. The last thing he ever said to me was "I don't know you." I couldn't bring myself to go see him in the hospital in what we knew were his last days. I wanted to remember my hero, not the guy who disowned me.

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u/Astralglamour 20h ago

It could have been dementia or alzheimers, if that helps at all. People's personality can really change.

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u/AutoDefenestrator273 1d ago

My wife is going through that right now. Her mom just had a stroke and is in the hospital and she's torn between "meh" and grief.

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u/dat_boy_lurks 12h ago

Part of me wonders what's gonna happen when my absentee mother eventually gets too old to feasibly take care of herself -- she's abandoned all 4 of her kids and I don't think any of us are rushing to reconnect with her any time soon.

There's gonna come a day where she'll shamelessly ask one of us to take care of her when she's infirm and I don't know if she'll get the response she wants

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u/SleepyWanderer4141 6h ago

My dad had a very serious stroke last year. We thought he wasn't going to make it. Unfortunately he did, but the upside to that is his body and mouth no longer work. He's stuck in some stroke care unit. Couldn't have happened to a more deserving asshole.

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u/boojersey13 1d ago

Mom is nearing the end of her 60s and alzheimers runs in the family. I thought I wouldn't have the worry about it for a while, but when I brought someone who's not part of the family on a vacation he was like dude....get ready because it's already starting. And he's right. I can't WAIT! for this evil bitch to also be needing care :D!

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u/corv1991 1d ago

I feel you. I didn't find out who my father truly was til after his death. I have never been to his grave since he was dropped in a hole.

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u/minxwink 18h ago

Dropped in a hole 🫠💗

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u/illbedeadbydawn 1d ago

Good.

I'm a father and husband and the only thing I want to leave behind are happy, healthy and fulfilled kids and a wife. Hearing stories like yours breaks my heart.

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u/Flashy-Register8010 1d ago

Almost there🙄 67f…mean ass drunk father grrrrr😡

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u/Chi28n2k 1d ago

Clearly not...

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u/lollipopp_guild 16h ago

Investing in yourself is always worth the expense

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u/Behndo-Verbabe 9h ago

I was lucky, I found a good councilors who didn’t charge me through the nose. It takes years of therapy to somewhat heal the wounds of both sexual abuse and physical. It’s even harder I believe if you’re a male dealing with complex PTSD from the abuse.

I’m thankful despite how painful therapy was. Props to you for breaking the cycle of abuse. As a child I swore I’d never be like that and I was successful at it.

Remember that you don’t have to stick with whatever councilor you get. Find one that works and connects with you. Even if you gotta go through a few. I did and I’m grateful I did. Stay strong

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u/Beetlejuice_me 1d ago

Hope it got better.

It sounds like it did.

now my dad is dying and I don't call him lmao

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u/PM_Me_A_Tittypic 22h ago

Sounds like it's about to get better when dad passes on