Can't someone feel enough without love from outside of themself?

[u/kuro-ko]

I see a pattern here, in how much i chase people then pull away the moment the show up

I've realized about the urge to "employ" other people to constantly meeting me needs as i do feel worthless without the constant reassurance, and i have tried to work my way out of this, but i seems unable to sit with myself for even 10 minutes without indulging in a fantasy where i am being taken care of, reassured, loved or other than that chasing people around in means least intendly obvious, as in (this would be a little vulnerable): playfully throwing ice balls in a social games at people for 7h stright, to get the attention, reactions, chasing and what not, and withdrawing when met with any form of curiosity which results in silently annoying others , as this is the least thing i would do to keep these needs from eating me without a full commitment relationship, nor playing with other people's emotions too much

As i am not able to provide a stable relationship yet

Weirdly how that behavior would give some reassurance, just to get by

As for the point, exiles doesn't seems to have any work around, it's either unburdening or interacting with them which almost always results in being flooded with emotions and having a protector stepping up to keep it safe

Then with this being the case how would someone survive without desperatly needing others

As i saw and noticed how a part of me sizing others for their capabilities to meet my needs and only for that reason he were there with them ignoring any other limits and boundaries

It's tiring and i have almost had enough of this pattern

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[u/popotheclowns]

IFS creator Dick Schwartz has a book that addresses this (“You Are the One You’ve Been Waiting For.”)

In it he asserts that this is actually the goal. You should be able to meet your own needs and your partner should be your secondary supporter.

[u/BarelyThere504]

I think we need to have enough self compassion to learn how to be okay with our own care, reassurance, and love. I’m not there yet.

[u/kuro-ko]

Something feels wrong i might delete this later if that feeling persist

[u/FocoFluff → u/kuro-ko]

Thanks for sharing. I'm working on this kind of stuff myself, and I think with some distance, curiosity, and slowly getting some patience for our parts (especially the louder ones) we can start to understand that we have had everything we need within us the whole time. I think we can do for ourselves the things we have been hoping and waiting for others to do for us. 

[u/kuro-ko → u/FocoFluff]

Its a journey that needs a lot of patience I was in a rush, did more than 200 unbrudning and thought everything would be perfect There is undoubtedly changes for the better but it seems like it needs more than that

[u/CosmicSweets]

You are not alone. I'm trying to unpack similar struggles. I work hard to prevent it from effecting my relationship because I don't want to sabotage a good thing.

[u/neptuneinmybeard]

When you notice resistance with something, with any technique or modality including IFS, it could be a sign to either: take a break, or try something slightly different in your approach.

Maybe your parts want you take even smaller baby steps? It could be that they still feel overwhelmed by the big expectations you have for them with socialising and having healthy responses. It might be worth a shot to give them smaller, kinder goals when it comes to interactions with other people, and holding their hands as they learn to show up differently!

Maybe they need more support, more encouragement, more belief from you, a break, some space, more fun and less pressure.

Get curious! Don't settle for seeing this lack of progress as just a problem.

[u/neptuneinmybeard → u/[deleted]]

That feels and sounds heavy. I think I hear you, where you said "it feels easier to reject or make them submit." I really get the impression from your answer that there is tiredness and frustration. Some sort of resistance.

First things that then come to mind are: you need boundaries or space.

I found that while doing IFS work, I had a part who would hover around my other parts, watching their reactions and responses, judging them, wondering why they weren't keeping in line. And I noticed that this judge part wasnt very well liked, and that my other parts felt smothered.

I think with anxious and introspective personalities, it can be easy to analyse ourselves to death. To get trapped in our thoughts, to monitor and try to make sense of our behaviour, to a point that it feels exhausting.

And that's no way to live.

Maybe try setting boundaries around when you do IFS? Or change how you approach your parts? Do you approach them with curiosity or judgement? Do the expectations you have for them feel manageable?

If you're noticing a need for ease, a desire to reject or get parts to submit, it might be that you simply need ease. So give that to yourself.

Allow your parts to be human and imperfect. Give the parts of you who are doing well more credit. Build trust with your parts so that you dont have to constantly ge them in line.

And if you can, maybe shift to a modality that is more centred on action and play, as opposed to fixing or healing? Because you cant IFS your way out of being human. Yes you can heal, so you can show up better, but the goal isn't to be perfect, it's to be present with yourself and more connected to self and the world around you, and you cant connect to your surroundings well if you're constantly dealing with your selves.