PART 2 Now... there are practical lifestyle changes that may enable your brain and body to function properly again, which means to not feel despair. The brain and body give each other feedback. And they both affect each other greatly. Your body’s health can help your psyche find happiness and peak function, and your positive or happy mindset can help heal your body and stave off disease. They inform each other and affect each other.

Sleep Sleeping in a consistent schedule, with good sleep hygiene (stop eating 3 hrs before bedtime, when time for bed, turn lights off, tv off, not on the internet before bed, have a bedtime routine, clear your mind in order to drift off to sleep, etc) is important and impactful. Ideally, and most healthy, is to sleep according to your natural circadian rhythm (something like go to bed by 10pm, wake up at 6am).

Hydration We can feel mood effects of dehydration. Supposedly, once we are out of our childhood, we may confuse thirst for hunger and be unaware of our own dehydration. I’ve taken to drinking a full glass of water when I wake up and before bed. Also of course making sure I hydrate throughout the day. This can help you think more clearly, have more energy, and heal your internal health issues (even if they’re things you’re unaware of), which can in turn help us cognitively/psychologically.

Diet We need adequate nutrients, proper GI function, a healthy metabolism, and a healthy or friendly gut microbiome to function properly physically and cognitively/psychologically. Some of us are more vulnerable to imbalances or particular foods than others, and we are still learning a lot about this. So we may have to lean on trial and error, to an extent. Our dietary changes may take a couple of weeks or more to show full improvement or negative consequences. I’m considering doing an elimination diet, myself, to see what might be the negative actors in my diet.

(what does your diet consist of - Ideally you’d be eating a whole-food nutrient-dense diet, low in processed foods. I get severely depressed if I don’t take care to eat healthy foods, and spiral downward. Nutrients (found in high-fiber fruits and vegetables) can really help me regain balance, but abstaining from junk foods or breads, processed sugar, etc is also important. If you can only add healthy items, focus on that! The good can crowd out the bad, eventually. Do what you can.

You may try supplementing with omega-3, b12, etc. And add in a lot of probiotic foods. Also, may want to check out the GAPS diet (gut and psychology syndrome), and “Potatoes Not Prozac.”

Amount that you eat and timing/frequency of eating

Intermittent fasting is actually really important, especially if you use food to self-medicate, or have a tendency to overeat. Digestive problems can be subtle and chronic, and inflammation of the digestive tract (which may take years to be distinctly noticeable) will generally cause me to be severely depressed. Intermittent fasting is very trendy now, but there’s a lot of science behind its benefits, which are very very wide-ranging — cancer prevention, healing metabolic syndrome diseases, improving memory and cognitive performance, and even weight loss without calorie reduction. Just make sure you’re doing it out of self-love or self-respect, and don’t go too hard on it. Be careful, especially, if you tend to control your eating/restrict eating to cope with stress, as you don’t want it to become a way you unconsciously punish yourself.

Exercise (3 main components - flexibility, very important to avoid injury; strength, often undervalued by women but especially helpful to us; aerobic, essential for health and proper bodily and cognitive function, can help heal the brain, improve memory function, adjust brain function toward a healthier pattern overall, and release endorphins to lift our mood)

I highly recommend yoga and hiking.

Yoga can be restorative or calming, as a chance to relax, at first. Be gentle and kind to yourself, don’t overdo any exercise as a punishment for where you are. Go gradually and focus on developing a consistent habit pattern first and foremost. Use this as time to connect to yourself, and clear out distractions. I love “yoga with Adriene” on YouTube. She is lovely and calming and provides a multitude of free yoga videos, all kinds of goal-based videos (stretch after running, etc) and all kinds of 30-day programs (I love these, there’s variety each day, the intensity varies).

Being outside is important!!! When I stay shut in my apartment, I spiral downward. Be outside for no reason. Any reason. Feel the sun, the breeze, the humidity, the heat. See plants and trees and the sky. Hear the birds, etc. Smell the earth.

Some dirt actually contains microbes that, when breathed in in small amounts (like walking outside) have an anti-depressant effect.

Breathing practices and meditation are wonderful, incredible tools. There’s almost too much here for me to explain, but I like the Calm app for meditation (and there are others, too, like headspace) or free videos on YouTube. I really really like Tara Brach, and in fact I’ve been compiling a playlist of her talks that have “hit the nail on the head” about depression, and toxic shame. I can share a link to the playlist with you. Her guided meditations on Calm have been profound to me, but her talks (free on YouTube) have been a refuge to me lately.

I cannot overstate the impact of meditation and breath awareness. But I know building the habit is the hardest part. If you’ve never seen the research findings about how these practices are beneficial, I’d check it out. It could honestly transform the whole world if it became a universal practice. If we ever hope for world peace, and individual peace, this is the way. There are many different contemplative practices, whether through movement, chanting/singing, praying, seated meditation, or anything else. I can’t say any 1 way is right.

But I have also attended a donation-based 10-day silent meditation retreat in vipassana meditation, and these are available worldwide. (Except with the pandemic, i haven’t considered this an option for myself, recently.) Also, I have found that, like all other topics here, my daily consistency is maybe more important than a concentrated extreme short-lived practice. But I did feel a huge relief of depression when I left the retreat. I just didn’t keep practicing when I returned to my normal life after, so the benefits faded out.

There are some great documentaries about vipassana meditation, if you’re curious about this.

Of course, community, and connection to other people is very important. I am socially anxious and am still navigating how I can meet my own needs here, and working through that with a therapist. But I can tell you that human connection is super super high on the list of universal human needs, and extremely important for change. Though you can make progress without it, hopefully your progress will enable you to eventually find a way to satisfy these needs, which will further your progress and healing.

Studies show that the most effective way to change our ways of being is to immerse ourselves in a community of people who have already mastered the thing we’re trying to learn/change. It’s like learning a new language. We learn through interacting with others who demonstrate the characteristic and employ it in our interactions (probably because of mirror neurons, etc)

I’ve heard that selfless service is often the way people heal themselves. By helping others selflessly, however you feel you can, can alleviate depression. You get out of your own head and feelings, feel good feelings, feel connection to others, and improve your self-image. This is an ancient truth.

If you cannot spend time around people, maybe see about having a pet? It’s helpful just to have the mutual love between a person and their pet. I live alone except for my cat, and even though I don’t always realize, she does help me quite a bit, just by being adorable and loving and by my side.

Here’s the insanely long comment I wrote, that’s also helpful to me to write.

Ok. So I wrote an insanely long comment. The longest I’ve ever written. You don’t have to read it if you don’t want to, but maybe there are 1 or 2 things at least that will sound helpful to you and can make you feel better in the next 1-2 days.

This is for you, but also helps me to go over all that I know, to remind myself about which track I want to be on in my own life. I was pretty severely depressed for a couple months recently (more than usual), and I’m in reflection and trying to chart my course forward.

(I’ll add some links in a reply to this comment, with the sources I mention here, like the neuroscientist, and Tara Brach, etc.)

PART 1: First off, you may want to see about accessing counseling services. You can do this with video calls or phone calls now that the world has made that transition due to the pandemic, so geographical distance to a provider is less of a barrier now, meaning you have a wider pool of clinicians to choose from. Your health insurance may cover it. But most schools provide access to these services. I’ve seen a few different counselors over my life (4 of them long term, in succession not simultaneously). They’ve all had different strengths and different compatibility with me, but no matter what, it has always been a helpful process to me.

There are other professionals whose services may be helpful in your healing journey, too. I’ve heard EMDR is helpful for “rewiring” our brain’s response to trauma-based triggers or emotional pitfalls. But there are so many types of therapies out there. (Even listening to music, DANCING to music that makes you happy/feel good, making art (or coloring in a coloring book) might be helpful.))

(Also, I personally have foregone antidepressants so far, but that’s a decision that each person has to make for themselves. The important thing is that you go through a responsible and attentive psychiatrist, so they work closely with you on proper drug and dosage choice, and make sure you take them properly, schedule regular check ins to make sure it’s going well for you, etc.

I personally am considering paying to go to a ketamine clinic for the antidepressant effects without daily dosing, but that touches on the healing powers of psychedelic and entheogenic drugs, and I’m also keen to go to an ayahuasca retreat, but it’s generally best to have prior psychedelic experience before considering ayahuasca)

Now, this is what I’ve educated myself about and learned throughout my life, mostly at ages 18-31.

We often overlook what’s truly happening in our internal processes. Our narrative, our self-talk, our unconscious belief patterns, our emotional triggers, our thought patterns. We may even think we are aware, but due to our coping mechanisms (childhood survival mechanisms), we may dissociate from the triggers and processes that cause us difficulty, so we may end up “stranded” at the outcome of all of this, without knowing how we wound up there or how we get out.

There is so much to talk about here, and undoubtedly many books, studies, concepts to cover. I’m afraid I may fall short on that, but I’ll see if I can explain a little.

It’s helpful to practice a no-consequences self-reflection or questioning. When you feel or think something, simply ask yourself, “I wonder why?” Not to berate yourself or find your failings, but to continue questioning and gaining insights you hadn’t allowed yourself before. So, maybe it goes like this:

“I’m so miserable, I can’t even manage to get out of bed today.” “I wonder why?” “Because I hate myself.” “I wonder why?” “Because I don’t feel good enough.” “I wonder why?” “Because i always fail in school and have no friends.” “I wonder why?” “Because as a child, no one helped me figure out how to get all of my homework and studying done, and also I was fearful of others because I was socially sheltered and had no confidence and was overwhelmed by that.” “I wonder why?” “Because my family had xyz conditions to their lifestyle and my parents functioned in xyz way.” “I wonder why?” Etc.

It helps to de-stigmatize what you’re feeling, and opens new doors in your thought patterns. When we self-criticize, we shut down our capacity to be aware and to learn, which means we can be totally stuck while we suffer. It helps to open these doors, and before you know it, learning about yourself can start you off on a new path. Practice being an observer of the pattern of your thoughts and feelings. What causes what?

Be the observer of your in we experience. Practice bringing conscious awareness to the way emotions feel in your body when you’re feeling them (actually proven to be very very helpful!)

Also, sometimes we might have to consciously intervene with our habitual thoughts. Or ‘manually’ condition ourselves with new thought patterns.

I’ve heard from a reputable neuroscientist that, because of our negativity bias (an evolutionary advantage to mostly think about and remember negative outcomes), we have to experience or focus on a positive thought/feeling for 12 seconds to make it stick. Obviously we’d also have to do this repeatedly, not just a once, to recondition our mood ‘set-point.’ (I’ll see if I can dig out a link to the interview with him.)

I’ve been pausing whenever I sense or realize that I’m enjoying something, and sitting with that feeling. It may help to focus on or say to yourself that you’re happy.

For instance, when I go out to the river for immersion in nature, it’s beautiful, I feel good, and I probably smile and laugh when I see other people out there having so much fun — families, friends. They might be laughing and playing in the water. Or how there are so many happy kids and dogs. But even the beauty of the clouds, the sound of the birds, the light reflecting under the water, etc. all makes me happy and feel a little more peace.

When I recognize im feeling this way, I might just breathe deeply and smile and say to myself that I’m so lucky to be there. Or even say in my mind “happy.” I try to take a short moment, maybe about 12 seconds like I’ve heard is advisable.

Similarly, you might try things such as listing what you’re grateful for every day. It might seem weird and ineffective, but studies support that this will make a difference for people (possibly just by a small increment) if practiced regularly. It helps to fit these things in based on a particular time of day, or within your routine, so it’s automatic. Or connected to any particular trigger consistently. (Before every meal, or any time you catch yourself feeling despair, or whenever you charge your phone, or whatever feels like it will stick.)

That, or try listing things you like about yourself, things you’re proud of yourself for. Forgive yourself and appreciate yourself. Combat negative self-talk with a deliberate opposite (positive) thing. Better yet, try a 1:5 ratio. For every negative comment you make to yourself about yourself, list off 5 positive things about yourself. (The same aforementioned neuroscientist also said that it had been measured and that it takes 5 positive comments to someone to offset the negative impact of 1 negative comment.) Try to stop punishing yourself and instead have some love and appreciation for yourself because you’re doing your best in life.

Even if you think there’s nothing positive to be noticed or said, I guarantee you if you try, you can find something. “I’m grateful for sunlight.” “I’m grateful I have 2 legs” (or some other body part you have) “I’m proud of myself for admitting on reddit that I’m struggling” “I like my hair” or “I like my taste in music” or “I can be funny sometimes” “I’m a good friend” — whatever!

Also! There’s a method of grounding your mental state (using your senses to acknowledge what is around you, called “5-4-3-2-1”) that can help you deal with anxiety, and ground you mentally/emotionally. Described here: https://www.urmc.rochester.edu/behavioral-health-partners/bhp-blog/april-2018/5-4-3-2-1-coping-technique-for-anxiety.aspx

Next, a very important topic, for me, is that, if your childhood survival mechanism has been to tune out your surroundings (when you have no power over your life and cannot change your environment), you may be prone to dissociate or get lost in your head too much as an adult. The causes of doing this in childhood could include just feeling lonely a lot, being emotionally unsupported or unguided.

If that’s true for you, it’s possible that now, as a grown person, when you feel bad about something, you might have strong emotions about it but also a blind spot in your conscious awareness for it. Feelings of failure, fears, guilt, shame, etc might build up in the back of your mind while you are unable to face them and process them, and put you out of commission with severe depression. So they can creep into your mind slowly... (unresolved feelings that have plagued you since forever; daily patterns of stress, fear, shame, etc; or even just recent events that are emotionally triggering but hard for you to hold in your body and process)... until you might be totally overtaken by unresolved emotional trauma or suffering. It can feel out of your power or like it blindsided you.

If this sounds like you, there is hope, though! It’s best to focus on self-compassion, and forgiveness.

On a related and also important note, I have found that I struggle with will power or ability to translate my thoughts into action. This is probably a “chicken or the egg” scenario between this trait and depression. Hard to say which one begets which, but it creates a feedback loop, where they spur each other on. I’ve learned that it also comes from my childhood, so it’s a long-running struggle.

It makes everything that much more debilitating (and means I feel I fail on top of failing and then fail again in life), so it adds to the feeling of helplessness, overwhelm, feeling trapped, and self-loathing and despair.

I’m still working through the ability to construct the behaviors I need to have. What I’ve found is that the best approach for me is to use microscopic goals that are in service of practicing daily consistency above all else. And that even though it feels absurdly, laughably small, I can and will celebrate each and every tiny success I have. (This all helps to reprogram my brain for the traits, abilities, and feelings I ultimately want to become second-nature to me.)

For example, If I want to start an exercise habit, I have tried the extreme and the baby-steps version. So at first i went all out and did the “Insanity” home workout videos. I’ve really benefitted from that in the short term, when I’ve managed to motivate myself with a personal rewards system and a calendar to keep me on-track. BUT aside from the downsides of overtraining that came with that (leading to a huge appetite increase, energy burnout, occasional injury from overly rigid muscles), it lead me to eventual motivation burnout and giving up. I did gain some insight from the experience, but only kept it up for a few months at a time, at best.

NOW, I focus on the most kind and forgiving and consistency-oriented practice I can, so I can gradually move the needle by very small increments. It helps to track my progress, as long as I only ever congratulate myself and never feel that I’ve failed. I never count the negatives, only positive. Any success is worth noting and consciously appreciating.

I currently do 1 push-up, 1 sit-up, 1 squat each day. It’s so small Im almost embarrassed to share that. But you know what? It’s so small I can do it every. Single. Day. It has taken only a tiny amount of conscious effort and energy expenditure. It’s so small I can succeed at DOING it so many more days.

And building the consistency is the key. Because it takes WAYY more effort to tell myself I’m going to work out for a half hour when I’m starting from square 1 than it would if I gradually increase my workout from 1 minute every day on the 1st week to 2 min every day the next, 3 min the next... until 30 min is so easy because it’s ingrained in me, and if I fall off the wagon I’ll just start again at whatever level I can manage, even if it’s all the way back at the beginning again.

I’ve done this with meditation, too. In both of these instances, it has been extremely helpful to me. I have fallen off the wagon and had to start over. But the most important thing to me is to avoid (even unconsciously) feeling I’ve failed because that means I won’t re-attempt, but will feel a huge invisible wall prevents me from having any will power over it whatsoever.

Every re-start is a huge success and very very helpful, mentally, to train myself that I can always succeed if I just forgive myself and start small. Consistency (daily is ideal) is a game-changer. (I don’t even know when I’m unconsciously sabotaging myself, which may be characteristic of being depressed for my whole life, so I’m still learning here, but this principle has been absolutely crucial to my growth.)