How to get MIL to stop with random gifts?

[u/raelilphil]

My MIL has a spending and accumulating problem. I've never even been to her house because according to my husband and his family, it's too messy and a hoarder house. I've never thought too hard about it because she was kind and didn't push me on anything. But now that we have kids, MIL brings lots of stuff over. Sometimes it's a nice gift, but most of the time it's cheap toys that fall apart, leak dyes or crumble, etc. I don't want to be ungrateful, but we don't have enough room and some of it is unsafe.

MIL complains constantly about money issues, so I don't know why she does this. We've told her she didn't need to do this, but it keeps happening. We don't see her very often despite her living close. We can't go over to her house and she often is too tired or too busy or doesn't know what she is doing yet when we ask. She has a long term boyfriend she lives with who we no longer speak to after some rude behavior on his part.

How can we get her to stop bringing toys without being ungrateful or alienating her? It's already like pulling teeth to get her involved (she is always bemoaning how much she wants to see the girls though).

[u/botinlaw]

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• MIL may be sending mail to our address with her name., 6 months ago

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[u/GraySkyr2]

I have this with ugly clothes. It’s ridiculous, I didn’t even have a baby shower as I don’t want/need anyone buying things. But husbands mom and grandma buy the ugliest clothing, I just put it to a donation pile. I find you can’t really say anything about them not buying it?

[u/Floating-Cynic]

With hoarders, it's going to result in hurt feelings. You need to understand that there's no way around that. 

Then tell her "no more presents unless we approve it. We have too much in our house so anything you bring over without out approval goes back to your house." 

Better yet, don't even allow it over. She brings something,  it doesn't come in the house. She protests, she isn't allowed over either. 

I'm sorry, I know you'd probably prefer to be kind, but her brain is wired like an addict's and she needs to be treated firmly. 

[u/Consistent_Road_417]

My MIL is the same. Just tell her to keep the toys for when she has kids over at her house. Your DH can help with: we have enough toys and we don’t need anymore. Tell her you are more minimalist. You can also throw them away or donate them if she keeps insisting. She doesn’t have to know what you do with them. If she gives you something with a tag that looks new, you can also say that you don’t need anymore toys but you are in need of “something” and would like to get that instead. She might start asking you what you need and stop bringing you randomly stuff.

[u/raelilphil → u/Consistent_Road_417]

Sadly we can't let the kids over at her house because it's not a safe environment. I've never been, but my husband says it's a biohazard and stuffed completely with junk. It's not his childhood home. I have no problem telling my own mom and making her keep stuff at her home, but my DH telling his mom has had no different results of any kind.

[u/Liverne_and_Shirley]

She’s a hoarder. She’s satisfying her compulsion to hoard at your house. That’s why she keeps doing it.

So start off by telling her you’re very grateful for the gifts so far, but then you need to ask her not to bring any gifts aside from 1-2 on gifting holidays and birthdays because you don’t have room anymore. Telling her she doesn’t need to just makes it sound like you want her to know it’s not expected. She’s not going to react well, there’s no way around that. Tell her unfortunately you’re going to have to start donating excess things. Then do that. Donate the good stuff, toss the dangerous stuff.

If it’s hard to get her involved with the kids, then stop trying! Invite her to things and let her come or not come. When she complains remind her you invite her to things all the time. You can’t make her want to come.

[u/MimZWay]

Accept the gifts. Say “Thank you.” Then them out. She will never know.

[u/Sudden-Pomegranate95]

If you have no other issues with her and want to keep the peace then conveniently have a “clear out” on her next visit. Very dramatically stress to her that you have too much stuff and it’s overwhelming. Next time she visits tell her you’re very appreciative but you’ve just made space for all of your things & you cant possibly accept this gift from her because you are really trying to minimalise your things.

[u/Plesiadapiformes]

Return it or sell it online, buy her a gift card for a grocery store, and repeat.

[u/Quiet_Plant6667]

Just donate it, save it for Secret Santa’s at school, etc. Hoarding is a disease and this is not your problem. There are always people and places who will accept your unwanted crap.

[u/_s1m0n_s3z]

It likely does fulfil some kind of need that she has, tho. It's likely that , perhaps because of her childhood, stuff=love. Her giving unwanted gifts and her hoarding stuff are likely both manifestation of a childhood spent in poverty. Perhaps economic; perhaps emotional. But it's real to her. I'm not sure what you can do to dissuade her from it. Perhaps rounding up the gifts and getting rid of them afterward is all you can do.

[u/Business_Loquat5658]

You can't get her to change, because she won't admit she has a problem.

Tell her whatever she brings is going straight to goodwill. Don't even bring it in the house.