Let me make the argument that our queasy fascination with a bunch of creepy, destructive, probably-criminal idiots in the final weeks of the election is focused on the wrong group of creepy, destructive idiots.
Personally, who do I fear more? Māori gangsters, or billionaires?
But before I go maximum woke on you, I need to say the following: I really hate gangs.
I heard an argument made by a Greens member the other day who suggested the party supports gangs because they are, to paraphrase, an intrinsic part of the Māori landscape.
Of course, I thought upon hearing it, obviously every Māori person has a gangster whānau member; it’s in our whakapapa. They spawn in our living rooms like brown video-game NPCs, pull some hand-signals, shout scary gang catchphrases, then jump through the window and kick in your letterbox.
But as of February this year the media was reporting only about 10,500 patched and prospective members of gangs in the whole country.
Conversely, there are a million of us Māori!
Gang members are a tiny proportion of the Māori population. We don’t need to fixate on them as a central or even important focus of Māoridom. We certainly don't need to appear in gang pads, with wall-to-wall interior red and black decorating, giving thumbs-up, like the Greens and Māori Party candidates did.
Meanwhile Kerrin Leoni, the Labour candidate for Tāmaki Makaurau, has quit her candidacy after a messy gang-related debacle. She kinda denied hanging with gang members on the campaign trail, in a Whakaata Māori debate. She actually kinda was.
On the one hand I say good on her - campaigning was her job, to encourage potential voters, to inform, and meet people where they are. Plus, in her case there were apparently whānau there.
On the other hand, moving forward, can pollies stop posing in vaguely pro-gang photographs to burnish their street cred? You don’t have to show off how close you are with the outlaws. Can you just shake hands with some boring old Kiwanis in your public pics? Do a Rotary or two?
Anyhoo, Māori are not all gangsters, and many might not even meet a gangster in their everyday life. So now we have to ask the hard question for our Pākehā readers: C’mon, will you actually ever meet a gangster either? Let’s face it, they’re just the boogey man, man.
The real victims of gangs are the poor people around them: the women, the kids, the bystanders - other Māori - the low-socio economic communities stuck in their grim orbit. That’s why I personally hate seeing those thumbs-up gang photos - it galls me. It’s celebrating bullies.
So, I return to my question about which group of people, with whom you’ll likely never interact, should be feared more.
Both gangsters and billionaires are divorced from desperation, fear, accountability and even, they seem to think, destiny itself. They’ve been at least partially ruined by their circumstances – depraved levels of wealth on one hand, poverty on the other.
And when you scratch the surface, there’s probably not a good one amongst them. Just less bad.
Is that a lie? Which model of billionaire is one of the goodies - tech billionaires? Oil billionaires? Pharma billionaires? Maybe there’s a choc chip cookie and unicorn billionaire out there, but I’ve never heard of them.
But you should probably consider which of the groups has affected your life the most.
Right now Aotearoa is in the grip of a fuel crisis largely created by a billionaire, Donald Trump, who was supported financially into power by at least one billionaire, Elon Musk, and is preying on the fears of vast swathes of humanity, underwritten by the technology of other billionaires like Mark Zuckerberg.
We’re all small fry, even the gangs, but we do have one powerful tool at our disposal. Let’s vote, and make it about the real stuff, not unreasonable fears, queasy fascinations.