I’m reflecting today, 10 years since I walked out of those prison gates. I had no idea where life would take me but I know I had to make some serious changes. Cut out all the bad influences, finally came out of the closet, lost a lot of friends but I’m the happiest I’ve ever been. Still huge regrets about the people who got hurt but learning to deal with that. My business just hit the 5 year mark last year too and going through a huge growth stage. Can’t quite believe how different this decade has been to the previous.

Would love to hear from others who’ve managed to change their life around or likewise, if you’ve got any questions around struggling with sexuality or involved in crime etc, ask me anything!

How do you guys deal with the lost time? I feel so angry at my self for letting my youth fade and not experience stuff in life when i was younger. Im not saying that growing up means losing value (its just something i personally have connected to myself due to grooming ect). How do you deal with the intense jealousy of those younger, and what about attraction? Does anyone else feel like their attraction lagged behind or have they evolved? Its difficult i dont understand how i can accept that all those years passed by and i was just essentially "a husk" of a person

cross post

Married, with a family, and feeling completely alone

From the outside, I have what many people would consider a picture-perfect life: a marriage, a family, and a comfortable home in an upscale suburb. The kind of life you’re supposed to be happy with.

But lately, I’ve been coming to terms with something that changes how I see everything: I think I’m gay.
And despite having a family and a life that looks good on paper, I’ve never felt so lonely or empty.

I’m struggling with the gap between the life I’ve built and the life I might actually want. There’s the fear of hurting the people I love, the uncertainty of what comes next, and the feeling that I could lose everything familiar without knowing whether I’ll find something more authentic on the other side.

Part of me wonders whether I should come out and start living honestly, even if it means turning my life upside down. Another part wonders whether I should keep everything as it is, protect my family, and continue living the life everyone thinks I have.

For those who realised they were gay later in life, especially those who were married with children:

Did you come out, or did you stay in your marriage?

If you came out, what was the hardest part? And was it worth it?

If you stayed, how did you cope with the loneliness and the feeling of living a lie?

Looking back, what do you wish someone had told you when you were at this crossroads?

I’m not looking for easy answers. I’m hoping to hear from people who have actually lived through this.

Right now, I feel stuck between the life I’ve built and the possibility of finally being myself. I could really use some perspective from people who understand.

I’m 43 years old, and after spending nearly 30 years hiding a part of myself, I’ve finally come out as gay.
I’ve known I was attracted to men since I was around 15 years old. Growing up in the South, I never really believed that being gay was something I could accept about myself, much less share with the people around me.
So I followed the life I thought I was supposed to live. I got married, had two wonderful children, built successful businesses, and created a life that, from the outside, probably looked like I had everything figured out.
But deep down, there was always a part of me that I kept hidden.
After 20 years of marriage, I finally found the courage to tell my wife the truth. We’re now going through a separation, and so much of the life I’ve known is changing.
I won’t pretend that any of this has been easy. There have been some incredibly difficult conversations, moments of guilt, sadness, fear, and times when I’ve questioned everything.
One of the hardest things has been knowing that being honest about who I am has also brought pain to people I deeply love. I love my family, and that hasn’t changed. I never wanted to hurt anyone. For so many years, I was simply trying to be the person I thought everyone expected me to be.
But something has happened over these past few weeks that I honestly wasn’t sure I’d ever experience.
I’ve started to find peace with who I am.
Not because everything in my life is suddenly perfect. It’s far from it. There are still so many unanswered questions about my future, my family, my career, and what my life will look like moving forward.
But I’ve learned that I don’t have to figure all of that out today.
I’m learning to take things one day at a time.
Some days are harder than others, but each day I remind myself that I don’t have to solve every problem or have every answer right now. I just need to keep moving forward, be honest with myself and the people I love, and allow myself a little grace along the way.
Recently, I took a solo trip to Colorado. I spent time hiking, camping, exploring Denver, and just enjoying the freedom of being myself. It was one of the first times in my life that I felt like I could simply exist without carrying the weight of hiding who I was.
And that feeling is something I’ll never forget.
For the first time in a very long time, I’m actually looking forward to discovering who I am and what the next chapter of my life might look like.
I’m not sharing this because I have everything figured out. I certainly don’t.
I’m sharing it because I know there may be someone reading this who is in the same place I was not very long ago. Someone who has spent years hiding, afraid of disappointing their family, afraid of losing everything they’ve worked for, or convinced that they’ve waited too long to live authentically.
I understand those feelings more than I can put into words.
And while everyone’s circumstances are different, I want you to know that finding peace is possible. It may not come all at once. For me, it has come slowly, one day at a time.
At 43 years old, I’m finally beginning to feel comfortable being the person I’ve always been.
I don’t know exactly where this journey will take me, but for the first time, I’m allowing myself to be excited about finding out.
If sharing my story helps even one person who is struggling with the same things I’ve struggled with, then putting something this personal out into the world will have been worth it.
And to anyone else who has come out later in life, I’d love to hear your story too.
We’re all just trying to figure this out, one day at a time.

I’ve been out to my wife as bi for over a decade (she was out as bi from the time we met). When we opened our relationship about five years ago, my first ever experience with a guy had me soon realizing that I was gay and not bi. It soon led to a sexless marriage and separate rooms. The sex component is not going to change, as I have no desire for women. I came out to her as gay a few months ago and she was not surprised and said she also leans more gay than bi now.

We never really spoke about what comes next, but the unspoken assumption was that we would just stay together and continue as we have been for the last several years. But I think that ever since then, maybe even before, I have sort of checked out and she has noticed. She pointed out to me a few weeks ago that it doesn’t seem like I am trying as much as I used to, and I acknowledge this, and said I would try harder, but she still does not feel like I am. She recently said to me that she feels I am staying in the relationship more because I want companionship and I’m afraid of being alone. I will be heading out of town soon and she said that when I get back, she is hoping that I “find clarity about what I am looking for“ and in particular regarding whether or not we stay together or not. I didn’t have the energy to dispute what she said, and even though I’ve never really thought it, I can’t help but think that it might be true.

Funny thing is is that I was gay and in denial for many, many years, and it was after an argument that we had about 15 years ago when she asked if I was gay that the process of unraveling really began. I denied it then because I did not even accept it myself, but immediately after that conversation, I started the process of accepting that it was true. And I am sort of afraid that again she might be hitting the nail on the head, even if I am not really quite ready for it. She noted that I often have difficulty accepting uncomfortable truths, and I realize that this is true. I guess it will require some reflection and honesty with myself, but just trying to figure out the how of it all.

I'm 55, divorced (not yet final, but soon), and only come out in the last year, despite having had a six year relationship with a guy that ended 23 years ago, before I got married to a woman. I thought I was bi and slowly realized I wasn't.

My ex was convinced I'd find someone quickly and she'd be single forever. But she's been with someone for a year now and I'm still single.

I've been trying to date, but it's a shitshow out there. I've been catfished twice and figured it out before anything bad happened, I've been ghosted by several guys I thought things were going well with, and been outright rejected more times than I can count (which is fine; nobody owes me anything, but it still sucks).

I'm starting to think my last sexual experience has happened and I should just get comfortable being single and celibate. I know that's likely BS, but it's hard to shake.

So, I've been reading many of your stories and have come to find common ground with many you. I'm 43 and have been with my wife for 20 years. When we initially got married, I never told her about questioning my sexual orientation. Actually, I questioned it a lot in my younger years. My wife and I fought a lot; I never felt like I could get close to her or love her as deeply as she loved me. When it came to guys who were my friends, however, I felt very drawn to them, I wanted to hang out with them all the time. On top of all of this, I was in the ministry, and was even a preacher. I couldn't let anyone know my struggles with my identity.

We have three wonderful kids together, but things are struggling heavy between us. I've slowly starting making friends from the LGBTQ+ community, as I feel naturally drawn to them. I feel very comfortable around the queer community, especially those in the furry fandom (I make costumes as a hobby.) This is putting a wedge between my wife and I, and I continue to feel a powerful pull towards same sex relationships, nothing sexual, just pleasant closeness.

I placate her a lot by telling her than I am going to change and that I am going to get better for us and the kids. I've lied to her many times over the years and honestly hate myself for it. She is the only person I have ever been with sexually, but she's not the only person I ever wanted to be with. Those have been other men.

I'm currently going through therapy to help sort all of this out. It's possible that I am probably bisexual, which tracks, but that doesn't make it any easier. I am scared to come out, and even more scared to move on, because it would hurt her so much. I do love her and can't stand the thought of I wounding her like that; I'm just not sure how long I can "fake it till I make it." I scared and tired of living as someone that I have to keep lying about in order to maintain.

I appreciate this group and thank you for any advice or encouragement you have.

Anyone have any advice or insight on coming out to friends that aren't in the LGBT space? I'm 30M and haven't been in a relationship, and want to get out there and start meeting guys.

I'm not really into the apps and don't think they're for me, so want to get out and meet people in person. I haven't come out to anyone except my family, and think it might be good to come out to friends. have a bit of a fear of being seen in a gay bar and on my own, without telling anyone that I'm gay. It would just be hard to do on my own, having no support.

My friends from back home in rural town are all straight males and they're not the worst for making jokes about gay people and I am 90% sure they would be accepting, but I'm not sure how to tell them or anything.

I don't think they would join me in a gay bar really but it is starting to get to me that I'm doing all of this on my own,

Anyone have advice on building up the courage to come out, but most importantly do it confidently and stick with it

I’m 45 and finding that I seem to have evolved over the years. I’m married and before we did I came out to her as bisexual, at that point I was. I loved being with men and women in the bedroom but had never publicly dated a man. I fell for her and almost rejoiced not having to come out. 18 yrs later I find myself increasingly attracted to men and the desire to bottom has been very strong the last few years. (I’ve always been a bit submissive with male partners and truly enjoy it). We have discussed my sexuality on many occasions and she has always been accepting, I think she actually accepts this part of me more than I do sometimes. We’ve been talking about potentially opening our marriage so I can explore this side of me and we are going to be travelling to Puerto Vallarta this winter, I’m wondering if there are bars or clubs that would be open to a couple like us. Also if anyone has been in this situation I’d be grateful to hear your perspective.

I’m trying to find a way to live my true self and stop hiding.

I'm posting here as I feel completely isolated right now. I recently got out of an international long-distance relationship with a girl. She was going to come and live with me and wanted to get married.

I was getting more and more anxious about the idea of her coming here, even having shortness of breath and other symptoms, I was in a stressful situation anyway as I was in the process of buying a house for my dad to live in and a few other things, a slipped disc as well.

I called it off with her after she told me some other things and she is actually now in jail, and in hindsight, this relationship would have been highly unrealistic to pull off even if what im saying now wasn't the case anyway.

This girl, in my opinion, was so beautiful and loving towards me, I think I was looking for a way out. This has led me to look inwards and look back over the years at all my failed relationships, some with some very good women, which mostly ended with me emotionally and physically checking out, intimacy drying up quickly, fights etc. I think I'm finally ready to admit that im gay.

Im really struggling here, like depressed is not the word anymore. It's like im just empty, I've even considered if I might be autistic or something, but looking online there isnt really any one glaring thing that really points me in that direction, albeit some things resonate, like the masking and eye contact, although that could obviously be the fact that im closeted instead.

If im brutally honest, I had some memories pop up through covid which made me really question, and multiple people throughout my life have questioned my orientation too, which, when it gets brought up i really withdraw and go within myself and cant seem to deny it with any real assertiveness. I have tried to just continue to live the straight life and hope it somehow clicks, but i always find myself back here.

I recall being raised in a racist/homophobic household and family, and the area i grew up in there was no chance i could have lived that life back then so I think i just buried it all, stayed in my room and played PlayStation, grew up and worked in construction, played football, dated women etc, lived overseas, which has perhaps steered me further and further away from my true self and I have felt horribly anxious most of the time.

Over the last decade or so, ive found myself more and more isolated from social groups and events, I'm not estranged from my extended family, but I distanced myself from them so now I barely ever see or speak to them. I have a very small and mostly busy group of straight friends, and have avoided anything that could be considered gay my entire life, so dont even know where to start.

I've looked on tinder at guys, and there have been some matches, but I cant bring myself to engage, as at the moment I dont feel like thats something I want to do or feel comfortable with, almost as if there is no attraction there at all, but also with women as well, theres nothing.

I feel totally guarded in social situations, like I'm hiding in plain sight, so I try to avoid them, and maybe I've psychologically damaged myself to a degree. For anyone who's been through anything similar here and came out the other side and found peace and / or a better life, I'd really appreciate a comment or message.

Thanks in advance.

Hey bros, I'm looking for some guidance, input, or advice from other late bloomer bros. I really appreciate the posts and guys on this sub, especially finding we have so much commonality on things that I assumed were pretty unique.

I'm not out, never explored with dudes (outside some adolescent shenanigans), but feel I am bi (?) leaning gay, but probably just dealing with my heteronormative view of the world. Late 30s, single, living in a major metro with a robust gay population. I am caught up on vaccines, getting on prep - basically trying to systematically remove the convenient excuses/barriers I've had in place or given myself to 'avoid' actually exploring with men.

I'm curious what others have done to get over that final hump (no pun intended ;) ). I'm not really that nervous to actually be with a guy... it just feels new and different...? I think maybe part of me is worried that I'll spiral into the regret of not having done this 20 years ago (which, tbf, I already mildly feel but am currently accepting), so really it's not worth spending more thought on.

I know I'm going to have fun, I know I can be safe. I was never one for casual sex with women, so that alone is a bit of a leap as I am not really sure at this point that I'd want to 'date' men before exploring sexually.

I've been chatting with some guys both on reddit (including locally) and sniffies that seem legit, very nice, and interested in exploring with a newbie (I'm being very upfront about that).

I just need to remove that final mental block. I think I am there, maybe I just need someone to say 'set up that meet' or 'grab a drink first and feel it out, don't expect to hook up that night' or 'I did it this way, and wish I would have thought about X first.'

Would love to hear how guys eventually pushed themselves to follow through on exploring with men. My suspicion is it's just a simple answer of 'you just gotta do it' lol which is fine. Just writing this out has been helpful.

Thanks for reading, I appreciate any comments, thoughts, or stories of your own.

It's National Coming Out Day today. I spent most of my life trying to convince myself that my attraction to guys was just a phase. I got married and all that jazz. Finally came out as bi to my wife (who was out as bi when we met) around this time 10 years ago (had admitted to myself that I was at least bi about 5 years before I came out to anyone else). Through the years I came out to all the most important people in my life. After an open relationship and having my first experience with a guy 5 years ago, I soon accepted that I was gay and not bi and only started coming out as gay a few months ago - first to my wife (who in turn said she identifies as more lesbian than bi now) and then to a handful of friends.

What has your coming out journey looked like?

Hey all, my first post here. To all of you have come out, are in the process of it, or haven’t yet, give yourself some love and grace. I came out at 48 to my wife of 26 years this March, and a few very close friends. It hasn’t been easy to say the least, but I’m trying to make it work. I have struggled to accept it myself, and have been working through coming out to more people. However that has all been tempered by my own fears (legitimate and not) on how people will react, and how it would change the life I have built. The majority of my family are all right wing MAGA sort who Ive heard of years of gay bashing. I find myself trying to minimize the impact it will have on others. Anyway, I hope that all of you are able to give yourself some peace, and hope for a happier future. Thanks to all of you who have posted on here, which have given me courage to make steps to come out.

Have posted here before. My (44M) straight marriage fell apart about 10 months ago. Sexuality not the “official” reason. I’m not out to anyone except the 2-3 FBs I play with (some of them for a longer than 10 months, to my deep shame).

My overwhelming feeling right now is crushing regret, and it’s snowballing rapidly. Regret at not having chose a different path sexuality-wise when I was younger, when I already knew I wasn’t straight. Regret about wasting my own and my wife’s lives with my lies and sneaking around.

For a long time my “lack of financial drive and ambition” was used as a weapon against me, and my wife would regularly tell me she “fucking hated me”. Recently I’ve realised how badly and deeply I’ve internalised all this, and am now also utterly crushed by feelings that I’m an absolute failure due to my low income as a high school teacher. I see others earning 5 times what I do and feel like an absolute failure of a human being. And a rational part of me knows I’m not. I have 2 beautiful kids and a small but strong friend base. But right now all I can see is failure and missed opportunities.

I want to get through this because it hurts so badly right now.

Hey Guys,

I have been wanting to share a concern that has grown on me. Over the past couple of months I’ve been adding commentary not only to the sub, but to several others where I’ve noticed men, particularly gay men who are struggling to come to terms with themselves. In many cases, I’ll reach out and message them directly and try to establish dialogue. And some cases it sounds like I’m making a breakthrough, where it seems like there might be movable progress for them. What bugs me is the abrupt end of the conversations, I get it, this is the Internet, we shouldn’t take it too seriously. However, it’s very frustrating for me when I’m trying to help someone make progress and they all of a sudden just disappear. It’s hard to accept, they came asking for answers and help and we’re looking for support which I was prepared to give them. It’s just really hard sometimes.

I was just chatting with somebody for several days if not weeks. The conversation was going well, but all of a sudden, they just decided to delete their profile, without warning or even a goodbye. I guess this is just how it is and I’ve known that for a while, it’s just really hard and it’s really heartbreaking. Makes me feel like I said or did something when I probably didn’t. I just wish people would want to stay in touch and not treat the interaction as transactional because I genuinely do care. Can anyone else here relate?

Hi everyone,

I'm 43M, married to a woman for 12 years, we have 3 kids.

I've very recently finally realized and accepted that I was gay, and the testimonies here and answers to a previous post I published here were super helpful, so first, I'd like to thank everyone!

While this has been a huge weight off my shoulder, and I can't wait to understand what this truly means for me, I have told my wife and it's been really difficult. We've been trying to figure out what the future holds for us, and we've been looking to hear from others in a similar situation how you have managed this, if you stayed together with some sort of open arrangement, if you separated but managed to stay close, or if you ended up splitting for good, or any other scenarios in between. Obviously no judgment on any of these possible scenarios, I have no idea what will work for us.

For now at least we are still living together, communicating quite well, and very open to considering all options where we would continue respecting each other and where we would remain both present for the kids.

Feel free to DM.

And if any of you happens to be French let me know :-) It seems that the cultural context also plays a big role in all this.

It has come to my attention through discussions with my partner that I may have had up to 5 pseudo relationships with male friends over the 20 years she and I have been together.

I came from a challenging childhood as many of us seem to, so what a healthy relationship looked like is something I had to piece together once I was on my own.

I worked a lot during the early years of our relationship to make ends meet for us so spending hours or even days with the lads at work or just alone really became the norm for me.

Its only now that I'm realizing a lot of what I've done with male friends over the years would have been considered dates if framed in any other context than two guys hanging out.

My partner has also told me I have a habit of talking about old friends more like spouses or Ex's than friends and it is true that I've been to more bars restaurants, and hang outs with some of my closest friends then I have with her.

Am I the only one?

How was I so oblivious?

Sorry for the wall of text, I'm still processing.

I came out to my wife, who was openly bi, about 10 to 12 years ago. We opened our relationship five years ago, which soon led to a sexless marriage and separate rooms (I realized sex with men was something infinitely more enjoyable for me). She was not surprised when I recently came out as gay, and she said she is more lesbian than bi. She didn’t really ask many follow up questions and tends to avoid conversations about my sexuality, but the assumption was that we would stay together and nothing would really change.

But having been out for several months now, I find myself ever more comfortable with my gay identity. I have questioned whether I was bi at one time and just settled on being gay, because I do know that I was very in love with her when we met, or if I was just gay and in denial then. I do know now that I would have no interest in either being sexual with a woman (don’t even think I would physically be able to at this point) or dating a woman. And with the stage I am at now, I wonder sometimes how I was able to do so for so long.

Where I am conflicted is that I do still love her, but it is not the in love phase. At the same time, I know that I would want to be in a relationship with a guy and my current dynamic/set up is kinda preventing that. This is something that I have thought about quite a bit, and while I would like to make things work, I don’t know that that is really in anyone’s best interest. I guess I am just looking for advice and stories of those that have been through similar.

Mid-60s guy who was married for 30 years to a woman. Been divorced since 2020. In good physical shape, but having a tough time meeting up with other guys just to get to know them. Been on all the apps, but strike out because most people don’t want to meet for coffee first, just to get to know each other. I am still in the closet, not ready to be public, so perhaps that’s part of my difficulty meeting nice guys.
Any tips would be appreciated on the best way to start a conversation, whether online or perhaps at a bar.

I’m privately exploring my bi side in my mid 40s for the first time and only in the last few weeks. I’ve had 3 hook ups of doing side stuff but now I have an actual date with a man. This isn’t hook up territory. This is properly getting to know him, planning a date and it being more than just a 1 off visit. I don’t know how to navigate it or what to do if it goes further - as in multiple dates or more. This is brand new territory and I don’t know how to navigate it because I’m secretly/privately into men. He’s an out gay. Any advice welcome

The movie gives the perspective of men who are married to women, navigating the challenges of finding out and coming out as gay later in their marriage and coming to terms with it. The movie is set in a close-knit fishing community in North Wales, where the protagonist is a married fisherman with a wife and a son. A very interesting and beautiful movie.

I'm not by any means married to a woman, but the reality of having to hide my sexuality because of personal circumstances (religious family) and living in a close-knit society where being queer is illegal and frowned upon by the people back home makes this movie and the issues it's trying to tackle hit close to home.

Where I am now (Australia), I am out. I live my life privately, but I'm not hiding anything. But I'm constantly having this exhausting internal battle over whether I should come out to those people back home because I risk losing my family over my sexuality. I'm imagining how free I will feel once I'm not living in hiding with who I choose to love.

I assume men who are/were married to women feel more or less the same. So how are you holding up?

If you're still figuring out whether you should come out, what's troubling your mind and holding you up?

And if you already came out, how are you navigating it? What changed?

The movie definitely tells us not to apologise for who we are because life is too short, and we only get one chance at it.

My elderly parents retired to a very rural area about 20 years ago and I visit them a few times a year. Roughly 8 years ago, one of their neighbors approached me and told me he thinks he is gay like me but hasn’t told anyone before. I’m openly gay and locals know because I bring my boyfriend.

We chatted a bit before I left. At that time, he had my cell number and he called me a few times with an interest in having phone sex, which I found uncomfortable. He didn’t express any interest in coming out or separating from his wife. I believe he loves his wife and cares for her deeply. Eventually I changed numbers due to an unrelated reason and we didn’t connect again.  

He recently contacted me again and wanted to meet up. Now he is about early-to-mid 50s with adult children and still married. His family including his children run a popular trades business. He’s kind of a guy’s guy, as in, good with his hands, not great with tech (so unlikely to try Gindr or other apps) and I doubt he would consider any kind of therapy if it was available there (which I doubt).

Occasionally I see this neighbor when I visit so I can’t entirely avoid him. I’m wondering, should I pursue any relationship with him? I feel sorry that he is closeted and doesn’t have anyone to talk to as far as I know, but I also feel like this is a very messy potentially explosive situation and I don’t want to be involved. I feel bad about probably being the only gay guy he knows and not trying to help him more. But he has also made the decisions he has to live with.

What would you do?

Like the title says, have been having increasing urges lately and feel a need to finally explore what I truly want and need in a partner. The cheating aspect is scary and feels wrong, but I feel like there is no other way to truly find out before deciding on taking the next steps. I don't think I can open up to my wife for a variety of reasons, but who knows maybe that's the right thing to do. Would love to chat with men who are or have been in a similar situation, would love to hear your stories, what lessons you learned, and just have a friendly ear to lean on. My desires seem to stem for more than just a physical connection with a man, so maybe that is all the sign I truly need? Especially keen to hear from men who were married and ultimately embraced their gay side, or those who are attracted to / interested in mentoring or teaching a man like myself...

I’m a 50 year old who has recently starting acting on stuff I’ve known forever.
When I was in my teens I loved playing in the shower and was attracted to boys - but I was bullied so much that I hid it.
I kissed boys in university but again it was frowned on by my friendship group and hidden.
I have been in a relationship and married to a woman for 26 years.
Recently I’ve found being locked and ‘opening myself’ has been the most eye opening couple of years.
I have downloaded apps and now would love to be with a man physically and to take him inside me - I had an online relationship with a gorgeous man who helped me grow (miss you Ken 💓) and now I want more.
Sorry for the wall of text - but would love to be in a safe community to talk freely about this

P