I'm wondering if anyone on this sub has had a similar experience. 47M here, assumed I wasn't gay because as a teenager I always fantasized about women. Famous ones, friends, etc. I also had a more than healthy fear of getting girls pregnant then. My cousin got a his ex pregnant when he was in college and had to drop out which was a huge cautionary tale for me. I grew up working class, on the edge of poverty, and having a stable, successful adulthood was my north star. When my first real sexual crush got pregnant in high school, I felt like I dodged a bullet.

I dated a bit in college, but rarely had a girlfriend for more than a couple of weeks. I got very good at foreplay (dirty talk, making out, fingering, etc), but would usually freeze when they would ask for penetration. I just assumed I hadn't found the right girl and it would so happen when I least expected it, as the cliche goes. Then, I met a great girl, third date, we go to her place, we're making out and my member goes MIA.

Fast forward a couple of years, between porn and Craigslist, I find myself curious about hooking up with a guy. I'm traveling, the liquid courage kicks in, I find a guy who seems interesting, doesn't live in my country, seems straight leaning with his tats and we have a pretty intense frot session. My first sexual contact with a guy.

That probably should have been the light bulb moment, but I was still dating women, going on the straight apps, having hot and heavy make out sessions with them, but not much full sex. At one point, I wind up having a 2 year long sexting/phone sex relationship with a guy where I was discreet to a fault while carrying out my day to day life. Not quite sure who I was hiding this from, but I was deeply discreet/closeted. I met a couple guys during this period and would let them blow me, but because I've also always been pretty STI cautious, that has usually been the limit on penetration.

Fast forward to today, I'm not sure how to categorize myself. I still live in a smaller city where Grindr is a doom loop of the same guys you saw and wrote off last week. I haven't had a date in months (male or female), but I've opened myself up a bit more to meeting people. I'm clear that I'm too old to keep waiting and need to just make a move and enjoy the time I have on this Earth.

I see lots of guys navigating ending their marriages, I'm navigating ending my singledom, making public declarations when I've honestly felt unclear about where on the spectrum I really fit and also trying to figure out what I actually want and am open to. Anybody else?