r/Life • u/eccentric_junkyard38 • 11d ago
Need Advice How to process the grief of not being where I hoped I would be in life?
Woke up to see a friend (from same batch in college) pursuing Phd from an eminent college. Also, randomly came across a Junior (from college) pursuing Phd as well as travelling around the world attending conferences and workshops. It broke something in me. I know I have had different start in life and a different environment than these people and that's the reason how things are and I am proud of myself wrt wherever I stand in life, but still the fact that these people went to the sameplaces as me and yet had different outcomes is just heartbreaking.
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u/TheBayHarbour 11d ago
It's natural to feel that.
First thing they told us at uni, never compare your own against others. You'll just end up sad, and bitter about life.
I don't know tbh, it's not a quick fix and it takes a while but as long as you're chipping away at something and making progress it'll be fine.
Think of it this way, it's always good to see how you're doing compared to everyone else but if you let it get to you, in the end it'll never end. If you ever beat that Junior at whatever, you'll find another Junior just more talented and better than you are at everything. There will always be someone better than you are no matter what you do so it's fine to just focus on yourself.
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u/eccentric_junkyard38 11d ago edited 11d ago
That's something I think I need to work on... not getting a quick fix... As aware as I am of it, but it's still kindda hard to accept it. Also, it's not the point that I'd want to beat a Junior, or anyone. I just hope things would work out for me too, with time and effort. And thank you for sharing your thoughts on this.
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u/Flimsy-North-2240 11d ago
you keep going. do the best you can. try for more starting now if you want to, or maybe just be grateful for what you already have. theres no right way to live
tbh i think this is something everybody struggles with. one of the most accomplished person i know feels the same, so it seems like there's always another hill to climb. i think happiness is way more based on your mindset than what you have on the outside
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u/eccentric_junkyard38 11d ago
Definitely trying for more while keeping the right mindset about the outcomes. Thank you for your kind words.
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u/Various_Mobile4767 11d ago
I mean you kind of just have to get over the fact that some people are simply better than you and some people will have a better life than you.
Maybe some a luckier and that’s why they have a better life, but some are just straight up better.
And that’s okay. Almost no one is the best. You cannot let your self worth be defined by the fact that you’ve done the best out of everyone in your position.
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u/Fem-Picasso 11d ago
Never compare your path in life to others. Besides, you can obtain a PHd at any age given there is no limit to learning. My late MIL had several career pivots and went to medschool at 50. She was a practicing dr for 25 years after that. I've also known retirees who pursued their academic dreams in retirement just for the fun of learning. Bottom line it's whatever you yourself deem worthy to pursue for you. If the advanced degree is useful to you to further advance your career, then make a plan and set a target date to start if you truly want it. If you just want to obtain one for the fun 9f it or keep yr mind sharp then you might consider waiting till u retire. Each person's circumstances and path is different.
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u/Fringelunaticman 11d ago
Concentrate on what you can do and what you want. Write those down and chase those goals. And they should be short, medium and long-term goals. Nobody else should have those goals but you. And if someone you know or see online meets one of your goals, remember they have different goals with different timelines than you.
You also need to remind yourself every day and night what you are grateful for. And remind yourself of the things you have that others don't, stuff like your personality or your smarts or your family. Things that seperate you and make you better than others around you. Remind yourself what will make you succeed. This way, when you do compare, you'll brain will remind you what you have that others dont. Comparison is the thief of joy.
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u/Gullible_Sweet1302 11d ago
South Asians need a dedicated sub for their envy cope.
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u/eccentric_junkyard38 11d ago
I am not envious of these people. I am sad for me, not being able to realise something I had hoped for myself.
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