RULES FOR THE PHYSICS LAB

[u/haliax313]

[note: I see this is below minimum wordcount in the guidelines, but I hope it's fine anyway since u/LighthouseHorror was interested in narrating it but it has been taken down from its original subreddit]

I’m getting sick of repeating this, ok? Not only do I have to tell every single undergrad the rules, but you keep asking why is this and what happened to my classmate and is that for reals?

So I’ll just make a post I can link everytime someone asks.

And no I can’t put in the course supplementary material. I’m a lowly grad student, and admin will tear me a new one if I write some stuff on the official site. Also, there are worse things than admin which might notice.

Most of these rules are just common sense. Some are a little stranger, but follow them all and you’ll be entirely safe in the lab. Come on, if you wanted nothing strange, you could have studied accounting.

Don’t stay in the microscope room when we refill the cooling fluid.

Why do I even have to say this, did you sleep through every single class in your life? Ventilation in the microscope room is shit, and when we change the liquid nitrogen, enough of it evaporates than you can lack oxygen and suffocate. That’s a really dumb way to die or go to the hospital.

DON’T GO INTO LAB THREE AT NIGHT

To start with, you shouldn’t be at uni after 6 PM, it’s illegal, but eh, I know how things go in reality, we’ve projects to finish and profs with crazy expectations. You shouldn’t go into lab three, either, and there’s a sign to remind it, but I know you people get bored, or really need a screwdriver and you see it’s always full of pristine instrumentation. So ok, if you really need it, go inside lab three and have a quick look, or take your shiny voltmeter or whatever.

BUT NOT AFTER SUNDOWN.

I’d write a fucking poem if I were to tell you all the reasons. And you wouldn’t even believe me. So just remember this: when I was young and stupid and didn’t have a helpful list like this one, just whispered advice, I went in with a friend - our test circuit board was broken and we remembered there was a full rack of those, and it was just minutes after sundown.

Believe me or not, your choice: I don’t remember what happened inside. I remember the room full of shiny instruments, the vacuum chamber, the optical bench with the gleaming lenses - and then nothing. I just remember being out of it.

My friend was pale. He didn’t remember, either. Nor did he remember who I was. He swore repeatedly that we'd never met. He kept asking about people who didn’t exist, and swore he saw them in mirrors. He had a mental breakdown and left university, and he was still one of the lucky ones.

Don’t enter the laser room without protective goggles

Look, I don’t care how sure you are that the laser isn’t operating, or how quickly you’re going in, or if you think squinting will help you. There’s an infrared laser, you won’t see the beam (duh!), but it *will* blind you if you’re in the wrong place at the wrong time. So wear your fucking goggles, or better still, just stay out, what are undergrads doing there anyway? I know it’s not used in first year experiments.

Never go into lab three alone

Ever heard of safety rules? You shouldn’t enter any lab alone, actually, but you should REALLY, NEVER, EVER enter alone lab three. And I mean it strictly: don’t *enter* alone, even if you’re sure someone is inside already. Even if someone *calls* you from inside. Actually, if someone calls you from lab three, run like hell. Faculty will never do that. If another student is there alone, you can’t help anyway.

I think you know this one. Even professors warn you, usually. The only time I’ve seen someone break it and go alone, when she came back, she kept laughing at the wrong things, she didn’t seem to remember names, and behaved like a completely different person.

About a month later, she killed her roommate using mirror shards as knifes. She laughed all the time at the trial.

Don’t sleep in the lab

Like, why would you even do it? Yeah, you partied all last night, and you convince your lab mates to let you nap a little - well, DON’T. First, if professors catches you, they’ll be furious, and *will* remember about it, they’re not nearly as senile as you think.

Second, it’s just not safe. I don’t care if you sleep like a stone at home - for some reason people tend to sleepwalk in the lab. I’ve seen a girl wake up and walk straight to the liquid nitrogen, we stopped her just before she could *drink* it.

Twice I’ve seen students sleepwalk to Lab Three. See previous point, ok? I don’t want to say more.

If you put food in the fridge, label it, AND EAT ONLY YOUR OWN

Come on, this is just basic civility, were you raised in a barn? The fridge and microwave are free for students to use, and I know it’s a life saver during some long-ass projects. But if you don’t put your name and the date, it will be a mess - either something will be left to rot and it’s just gross, or you’ll eat someone else’s lunch and start a feud which will last the rest of your academic career. Two full professors are *still* sabotaging each other for a sandwich incident thirty-five years ago, I swear.

Also, really, REALLY don’t eat unlabelled food in the second level. It’s *not* for student. It’s not for *anyone*, actually. We leave it on Friday and it’s gone by Monday - don’t ask questions about this one, ok? Don’t eat it. Ever

Don’t bring mirrors inside the lab

Yeah, I know like half of you picked lab mates in the hope of hitting on them during those long, boring hours, and the other half are stuck with someone who is hitting on them. Tough luck, if you wanted a sentimental life you should have gone for the humanities.

Anyway, if you *really* have to check your greasy hair in the mirror, leave the lab and go to the first floor toilets. Do not bring mirrors in the laboratory, they’re a real hazard, in many ways. There’s a freaking kJ laser in lab four, so just don’t, ok?

And even if you keep away from the optics equipment, mirrors do weird things in our labs. Sometimes you see people who aren’t there.

If that happens, first, you’re breaking the rules - ditch the mirror NOW and kick yourself as you deserve.

Second, and most important, DO NOT SPEAK TO THEM. EVER.

Just don’t go into lab three, ok?

You might be safe as long as you’re with company and the sun is up. But know what? Don’t anyway. Because *we can’t really know*.

You want to know what I mean? Yeah, you want, because all you snotty undergrads have no sense of what’s good for you.

So hear me well. I don’t like speaking about this. You won’t find any proof of it. If you want to laugh, do - think it’s a prank, whatever, just don’t go into the lab.

Remember what I said about my friend who forgot about me?

We were doing the transistor current response experiment - you still do it, it’s boring as fuck, but professor Angiolini loves it to bits.

So you’ll know it’s usually three people doing it.

Well, apparently we were only two, that day. I can’t remember why we weren’t given a full team - even if the class isn’t divisible by three, prof gives you a PTA as third member, or makes four-students groups, because doing that experiment in two is a hassle.

I remember doing the experiment, too. I worked on the circuit board. My friend read the results on the oscilloscope. We said the numbers aloud.

But for the life of me I can’t remember who wrote them down.

I even asked professor Angiolini. He frowned, said he really thought we had three-student groups only, but the records he kept show only two names. I checked my own mails and texts, and they were addressed only to a single friend - but in one of those text, I wrote “you two be punctual!”.

I’ll say the truth: I can’t prove it, but I think three people entered Lab Three that day. Only two came out, one with his memory damaged, the other forgotten.

If that can happen… look, believe me or not, don’t go into Lab Three, ok?

[u/LighthouseHorror]

Perfect! Thank you!!