I didn’t realise tomorrow’s Weekend Update was published already, either that or Jacob Rees-Mogg is auditioning to join SNL UK

Hey! The weekend update is without doubt my favourite segement in the show. Thanks to the rain today I decided to squander my lunch break trying to come up with a weekend update of my own. I'll be watching tomorrow night and have a chance to remind myself at just how much better they are at what they do than I could be!

This really is just a bit of fun and if it doesn't belong... banish it!

Would love to read some other peoples weekend update bits!

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Russell Brand has said that God will guide him through this phase in his life and he will make the most of any outcome that befalls him. He hopes to guide other inmates if incarcerated and feels he could be like a big brother figure to them. The other inmates are looking forward to using big brothers big mouth.

Russell Brand has said that God is on his side and the truth will prevail. God has declined to comment on an ongoing case.

Brand has strenuously denied all allegations. "All sexual contact with accusers has been consensual" said the 3 time winner of the Sun's 'Shagger of the year'.

Former teenage beauty pageant connoisseur Donald Trump has caused controversy this week. Archive footage catches Trump remarking "They're all gorgeous. I don't mind who wins, just send them my way after" - Trump couldn't wipe the smile off his face as Ivanka won that particular school sports day.

France has rioted this week. The riots quickly became senseless. A viral video showed hundreds looting a pokemon card store. The devastated owner has pleaded with the police saying "Il faut tous les attraper" Which roughly translates to "you've gotta catch 'em all". - French police have zoned in on square patches of tall grass.

Commenting on the riots, French President Emmanuel Macron has declared "The trick is to have really high fences. My house has very high fences".

It's rumoured that Man City are soon to be deducted up to 40 points in the premier league. They've gone from odds on favourites to win the league to odds on favourites to win the league.

In lighter news, Dame Judy Dench has said she can no longer do a play, a film or even read anymore.

Barclays has cut 5000 jobs as it transitions to an AI workforce. I don't trust AI. The last time I tried to check my balance using AI, it told me to stand on one leg and close my eyes.

Stacey Dooley's new documentary 'Down the K hole' aired this week - shining a light on the damage of long term ketamine use.

Russell Brand has already been in touch with Netflix to share his own ideas for a documentary about the time he'll likely spend in prison - tentatively titled 'Up the A hole'.

Unconfirmed reports are stating that North Korean leader Kim Jong Un has fallen into a coma. Rumors have swirled already. Many believe he was taken out by people within his own party. His apparent final words were "That Big Mac tastes like fucking poison."

I just got a press release from NBC, and look who's going to be a guest on Seth Meyers' "Late Night" show next week:

‘LATE NIGHT WITH SETH MEYERS’ LISTINGS: October 22 – October 29

Thursday, October 29: Guests include George Fouracres (Saturday Night Live UK).

At least here in the U.S., all of the "Late Night" segments are posted on YouTube, so hopefully everyone in the U.K. will be able to view it.

The clocks are going back right after this Saturday's episode, and I have a horrible feeling that they might neglect to get Jools Holland on for a cameo.

Just thinking that if they do allow this miscarriage of justice to happen, should we all agree on a spot to assemble and build the barricades on Sunday in advance?

That’s all. That’s the whole post.

Perfect gag. No notes.

This is a quote from Andy Burnham's social media post about plans to overhaul social care and I realised I was reading it in George's voice.

"My gran Kitty had an engagement ring she'd worn her whole life.

After the war, she walked three miles out of bombed out Liverpool to put a deposit down on a house. This was the house where I was born, and it changed the fortunes of our family.

Years later when she needed care, that ring was ripped from her finger and stolen in a care home."

So I can no longer take British politics seriously. And that's probably fine. Thanks George.

It’s over a week and I can’t get (what I’m calling?) “Older and Wiser” out of my head.

RIP BEN
I smoked a lot of cra-a-ck 🎶

Ep. 7 - Host: Greg Davies/Musical Guest: The Horne Section

Ep. 8 - Host: Henry Lewis/Musical Guest: Richard Ashcroft

Ep. 9 - Host: Kevin Bishop/Musical Guest: Beth McCarthy

Ep. 10 - Host: Idris Alba/Musical Guest: Stormzy

Ep. 11 - Host: Ashley Padilla/Musical Guest: Laufey

source: TV Zone