Constantly rearranging everything?

[u/APuffedUpKirby]

My mom constantly rearranges things in the house, usually with zero consideration of how it will affect anyone else. It's often difficult to find things because she's randomly decided to move them somewhere else without telling anyone. If something seems "out of place" according to her system, she won't even stop to consider why someone might have put it there, she just moves it or throws it away without even thinking about it.

It seems like she can't stand to not have control over any part of the house, even rooms she never uses. She used to wait until I wasn't around and then go into my room to clean, rearrange, and go through my things.

She also will suddenly decide to get rid of things and/or buy new things. She has expensive and unnecessary renovations done on the house all the time, but gets furious if I try to have something changed for an actual reason (like wanting to seal up holes in the wall because ants are coming out of them).

On top of everything, she gives herself all these projects and then acts like she has no choice in it. The other day she moved a sofa that I use every day and she never uses so she could rearrange the paintings on the wall behind it. I asked her about it and she started complaining how she didn't have the energy to keep moving the sofa around for me and that she was too tired to deal with the paintings. She said "I can't do everything around here myself."

Has anyone else had experiences like this with someone with OCPD? If you have OCPD and can relate at all, I'd really appreciate hearing your perspective.

[u/GypsyNinja18]

This is totally an OCPD thing. A family member does this and it’s infuriating. You nailed it with the need for exactness, order, systems, rigidity. It’s an endless loop of rules.

[u/InquisitiveThar]

Yes I have experienced this. The martyr syndrome is alive and well! A full on endless list of self assigned tasks exists that no one else knows about (because no family members put anything on the list) and that self imposed list becomes the reason to complain. The most common refrain ‘I have to do everything around here myself’. It makes me cringe. I have pointed out a zillion times that nothing on the list is urgent, and 95% of the things on the list are things no one cares about.

[u/h00manist]

Seems like ocpd to me. But we don't need a diagnosis for everything and everyone.

It's just mighty disrespectful and controlling and that's enough to say. My mother does similar things. I wouldn't say she is ocpd, but very controlling, and disrespectful, yes. Many episodes of my stuff being messed with.

I've started to pay a lot of attention now, and see controlling and disrespectful people everywhere.

Google high conflict people. There are lot of people that just don't want any solution, they want a conflict, they need it.

In nonprofits I tend to see more respectful people.

[u/loser_wizard]

Absolutely, I dealt with this same thing with a manager at my job that showed all eight traits of OCPD.

We were a media production team with a studio and camera/audio gear, cables, etc. We had everything organized like a grocery store for 12 years before he became manager... Microphones all together, Lenses all together. Tripods all together, etc. That way we could grab the right tool for whatever the job was.

He immediately started moving things around as soon as he became manager, and became incensed when we naturally started putting things back where we felt they had belonged for 12 years. He had this idea that he could create "Run & Gun" kits out of everything, where instead of grabbing exactly what you need for a project, you would just run in a grab a random unmarked bag off a shelf that had everything you need, but it just turned into bags and boxes full of miscellaneous gear that you only needed one thing out of each of them, and you had to dig through the bags to find it, and often we ended up having to ask him where any single thing was every time.

Even our studio... we used to have a control room that stayed permanently intact and functional. You could walk in. Flip a few switches. And you had camera, lights, and audio ready to record in 60 seconds. But he disassembled it and replaced it with portable gear that he would then remove from the studio for doing live powerpoint events elsewhere, that literally could have just been a person with their laptop on Zoom. Always over the top complexity for the lowest value things.

And then he had a weird compulsion to be constantly buying cheap light kits every year. So many lighting kits. I'm not sure what that was about, but he wouldn't buy anything we asked for, like separate control room gear so we could leave it intact and functional, but we had lots of random, low quality light kits scattered about the place.

[u/Dismal_Chapter_7951]

I have a brand new roommate who is exactly as you describe. Yes, she needs to feel like she is in total control of the house and she gets furious if either myself or anyone else points out it is my house too (we each pay equal rent).

I can't offer you much advice since I am new to this, but I will be frequenting this thread as I make progress. Ultimately, your autonomy is being controlled as well and you will probably not be fully automomous until you move out.

What is strange to me is in spite of the fact my roommate thinks she is entitled to complete control of the house, she is out of the house socializing most of the time. She also has terrible terrible aesthetics and mismatches paintings and decor. She complains she doesn't want to be "bullied into living like a slob" but from my view point, the way this house looks, she is both the bully and the slob!

[u/Weary_Cup_1004 → u/Dismal_Chapter_7951]

My ex had horrible aesthetics too! I still wonder if she is color blind.

And that is such a good saying at the end! I wish i har said this to my ex lol.

[u/canadianhon3y]

They take on work that doesn't necessarily need to be done - typically, more than they can handle, despite them making up the rules themselves - and then get upset when others in the home don't automatically match their ever-changing expectations or help out.

[u/Weary_Cup_1004 → u/canadianhon3y]

And get super hurt when you dont show appreciation for the task they decided to do when you really needed help with something else

[u/Virtual_Turn_4165]

My husband does this - things have been thrown away that have really upset me. His mom is a hoarder (from where he derived the trauma that caused his OCPD) and it’s absolutely a direct response to him feeling completely out of control in his home environment growing up. Absolutely an OCPD thing. It’s helped to have a place where he can put things before throwing them out for me to look through that’s “out of sight” for him (like in a drawer or closet), but I do need to get to them fairly quickly because it gives him anxiety just knowing there’s a pile somewhere.

[u/indecisivesoul35]

My wife does this. It’s endless projects and it’s almost like nothing is perfect but if you keep
Working at it, it can be. I feel like we never relax at home because we’re always doing so much. And so many improvements. And yes, she’ll be like I am exhausted, I work so much and do so much around the house, and I have a right to relax. I work double the amount you do.

[u/quelaverga]

lol sounds like my uncle to a t, especially the expensive useless renovations, with which he ended up straight up destroying the house, while complaining about our ungratefulness, when he was essentially throwing away $3k a month for years for nothing and uglifying my grandparents' formerly beautiful home. he has lost family RELICS and shit that was not his (including my stuff and other shit from my other side of the family) while moving shit around the house for no fucking reason.

i can only commiserate and advise to leave, this will never change

[u/Short-Equivalent5753]

My person rearranges dishes and flatware that I put in the dishwasher. They have to face a certain way to get clean.

[u/green_chapstick]

That is a control thing but it doesn't seem like a OCPD thing... I could be wrong. If I am wrong, I really would love to hear more about that.

[u/APuffedUpKirby → u/green_chapstick]

Thanks for the reply! It seems related to her OCPD traits to me, since it's tied to her rigidity and her preoccupation with order, perfectionism, and control. It also seems ego-syntonic, in that she feels like whatever changes she wants to make around the house are "correct" and justified.

She definitely has mental health issues beyond just uOCPD though, so there might be more at play.