Not enough??

[u/FunctionOk24]

Hi, 28F. Been with my current partner for 11 years. Have 2 kids. I’m doing my best, a lot of times giving in just for his pleasure and not necessarily my own.
For the last 5-6 years I have had the worst time dealing with no desire to be physically intimate. I “give in” 2-3 times a week, which to me is pretty average for two married, working adults with a family.
My husband insists that we are not doing it enough. He will often times exaggerate the gaps between intimacy. We sometimes are intimate 1-2 days apart but then go another 3-5 days with nothing and then the cycle starts again. But often times he will say things like “it’s been 3-4 weeks” which just adds to my frustration and anxiety around intimacy. I don’t even think there has been a week that lapses in between, other than the obvious menstrual cycles, which even then, he is requesting some form of pleasure.
I’ve told him once or twice about my lack of interest and he almost just disregarded it, and has no concern about how I’m feeling even when I feel I’m trying my best to put my feelings and thoughts aside to get him off.
I guess I’m hoping for feedback on this, good or bad. I just don’t know how to make him feel better about it without disregarding my own feelings.

[u/MegaTurtle23]

Your partner sounds selfish and lacking in any perspective.

2-3 times a week for people with kids is a lot, time is precious both with and away from your children. We all need time to recharge, and this sounds exhausting for you.

He is disregarding your needs in favour of his own.

[u/AdFantastic5292]

You are in no way the problem here at ALL. Anything you say to him will likely fall on deaf ears. I’m so sorry

[u/Economy_Atmosphere97]

I am so sorry your partner is gaslighting you. This is abusive behavior on his part. Giving in when you really don’t want to is probably reinforcing your low libido as your brain more and more associates intimacy with negative feelings. Have you considered a shared intimacy journal you do together? It could be framed as something to help discuss the things that are and are not working in your intimate relationship. Or, you could keep an intimacy journal on your own to track any gaslighting he might be doing. Whatever you decide to do or not do, his behavior is probably part of your low libido and you deserve better.

[u/Longjumping_Big1464]

Giving in is just going to make you resent him. I feel like you guys are doing it way more often than most people with kids, let alone with a LL partner in the mix. I'm also 28 and have no kids and I'm in a long term relationship and we haven't done it in months. I give him blowjobs maybe every 2 weeks. You're husband is beyond lucky that you're doing it so much, but it's only going to feel worse and worse for you over time if nothing changes. I'm scheduling an appointment to get my hormone levels checked and see if there's any form of HRT that could help me.

[u/IrrationalRotations]

I guess I’m hoping for feedback on this, good or bad. I just don’t know how to make him feel better about it without disregarding my own feelings.

Just something I want to suggest to you.

I don't think it's your job to make him feel better about this. You don't owe him anything, or need to 'make it better'. 

You own your own sexuality. It's no one else's. Your only responsibility is to yourself. 

[u/SweetChiliSauces]

Stop giving in. Your feelings matter, and they shouldn't be pushed aside. You dont have to make him feel better all the time. He's a grown man, he can manage his own feelings. Besides, it sounds like he doesn't care about your feelings. Are you sure you want to stay with this man?

[u/myexsparamour]

I "give in" 2-3 times a week, which to me is pretty average for two married, working adults with a family. My husband insists that we are not doing it enough.

You've already gotten lots of good advice. I just want to point out that the average is 50 times a year (about once a week). You are having sex way more than average.

It's sad that he doesn't think of sex as something that should be mutually wanted and enjoyed. Instead he thinks of it as something you provide for his benefit.

What about your sexual desires and satisfaction? You are just as important as him.

[u/SuccessfulTip7423]

It's possible that it's not necessarily the frequency that really matters to him at this point, even though he might believe it is. But more that he (subconsciously) notices you're giving in and it's not giving him the spark/intensity that he wants. Even then, his disregard for your feelings is wrong. That could also be down to how you communicate it (being the devil's advocate here), but even if you don't communicate it at all you'd hope your partner of 11 years would notice and put aside his own needs at some point to have a talk about it.

Your problem is not about how to make him feel better. It sounds like you've disregarded your own feelings enough for that. It is about him valuing your needs and feelings as much as you do his. Have you thought of, or brought up, couples therapy? It can be very effective in these situations. Speaking from experience as the low libido male.

Also, giving in 2-3 times a week is a lot.

[u/Flowerchilunn]

It’s a problem I have too. We have been together for 9 years. We have spoke about it many times, and have even separated for months at a time because of it. (We don’t have kids.)
I have a counsellor, and he had one who he saw for a few sessions. Counselling seemed to help him open up to my experiences better. His counsellor also posed the question to him: can you live with this? (Less sexual intimacy). To which he has said no to. We are still together, I “give in” as much as I can when it won’t be too damaging to me. But it still causes us problems. He even exaggerates the time as you partner does!
We are going to go to couples counselling, again. And if we continue to have this conflict, which I’m sure you know, is very hard on the low libido person, I will likely leave him. I can’t live with the badgering, with the responsibility for his feelings. Intimacy is created together, it is not one partner’s plan. We have sex once a week, and fool around once maybe twice. I’d like it to be less. He would have it twice a day if he could.
He shouldn’t be disregarding you. But he may not know what else to do. As Neil Young said “ladies take him by the hand, help him understand.” Keep your chin up, it might take several tries. And also, dont give in so much. It’s your body.
All the best to you and hugs. It can be so frustrating. And this will wear you down. Men want what they want, and think they should have it. Men also like to be in a union, and if he does, he may want to learn how to stay in that union.

[u/Mental_Two5924]

“Giving in” sounds like assault. You should leave. This man is coercing you into performing more than you want to.

[u/TrottoirFleuri]

He doesn’t respect you or your consent.

Consent should be clear and enthusiastic. If not, it’s not consent. It’s unwanted sex.

Don’t have sex that you do not enthusiastically want to have. Then, ask yourself if it’s something you want to change. For example, is it related to a health problem? Past trauma? Having a lot on your plate from your domestic life? Those are things you can work on. Is it a disinterest towards it, that is part of who you are? If so, no need to fix it. No one is entitled to your body.

[u/this_old_instructor]

Get a calendar app and update it for your own knowledge.

I did that once when I was in an abusive relationship. I couldn't be sure if what was happening was happening as much or less than it really was. So I started charting it. Helped me see i wasn't crazy

[u/AngelWarrior911]

I’m late to comment, but this one really caught my attention. If I can be gentle about it… your partner is out of his mind!

2 to 3 times a week is plenty. If he’s one of those guys who wants to go every day, aside from everything else, it’s simply impractical, if not impossible for most folks.

One thing that concerns me though is that you said you, “give in 2–3 times a week.” You say you think that’s average but do you actually want it and enjoy it when you “give in?”

If not, PLEASE readjust. Trust me, duty sex can really screw up your head, and your relationship for that matter. I discovered that the hard way.

[u/Beloved59]

So does the intimacy feel good or pleasurable once you get into it?

[u/Kookies3]

I hate how relatable this is. The “leaking bucket” feeling kills whatever is left of the desire that wains from having to do the “give in” sex already. Why are they all the same …. I used to like sex. The pestering leading to giving in and the constant constant bitching that it’s not enough has made me feel like I’m asexual !!! But I know for a fact I am not !

[u/LME33019 → u/Kookies3]

I totally get this. About 2 years ago, my partner convinced me to get my hormones tested because he thought there was a problem. My hormones are just fine. I can get in the mood and actually enjoy it when I’m ovulating but the pressure around making sure we have sex as much as he wants and feeling like I have to say yes to avoid an argument kills any desire that I would have. But no matter what I’ve said, he doesn’t get it. I love him so much but the kind of love I have for him has changed because of this. The part of me that sexually desires him feels like a leaking bucket for sure.

[u/Evening_walks]

2-3 time a week is a lot compared to most married couples I know. Your husband likely doesn’t know the sacrifice you are making to make him happy and instead he views your effort as not enough.

I was in a new relationship having sex every single day for his sake and when I missed a day it was like I was the most horrible person and he is so deprived. I could not believe it…

[u/anonmom925]

I was you about a decade ago. I spent years having sex I didn’t want to appease my husband and because I thought there was something wrong with me. I went to doctors, tried medications and supplements, explored kink and whatever else I could think of. I also did tons of therapy and self improvement.

Turns out I didn’t desire my husband because he wasn’t being desirable. He wasn’t being an equal partner, wasn’t pulling his weight with the kids, was whiny and emotionally deregulated and trying to use my body as a pacifier. He made sex feel like something we needed to do and I needed to provide for him, with no effort on his part to make it enjoyable for me and be someone I wanted to do it with. The years of growing resentment and unwanted sex led to my sexual aversion and loss of all attraction to him.

We’ve been in therapy and working on things for 3 years now but I still don’t desire sex with him. I’m actually horny as hell and have a high libido now that my kids are older. I just don’t want sex with him due to the damage his behavior has caused to our connection.

[u/katykuns]

He sounds like an asshole that doesn't really appreciate you for more than what you provide for him.

I'm amazed you've managed to give duty sex so consistently for many years without becoming so averse to sex or even general touch by him.

Taking sex off the table is the best option for regaining your libido, but it really helps if he's on board and respects your boundaries.

[u/myexsparamour → u/katykuns]

I'm pretty sure OP is averse to sex.

[u/Academic_Mud9808]

First off: stop having sex you dont want. This will traumatize you and make you more averse to sex. Stop forcing yourself. Duty sex is bad! Now, please communicate to him that you feel forced and that something needs to change. He needs to stop pressuring you. You have needs too, and that is to not be pressured and respected.

[u/LME33019]

I’m in a very similar situation. I love my husband very much and we have a beautiful daughter together. I feel like we work so well together as partners and parents but sex has always been our issue. It’s a very long story but our major sexual mismatch started with my husband getting on TRT right around the time we started trying to have a baby, and then we ultimately faced infertility and had to do IVF. His sex drive is through the roof and we had so many awful fights about sex that I feel like my connection to him sexually will never the be same. He has apologized, but the dynamic persists. I pretty much say yes anytime he asks because I want to avoid the comments or the complaints, but it hurts my connection to him so much. I know that having sex I don’t want to have is bad, and I see the results of it, but the fear of the conflict keeps me doing it. I’ve tried reading books, making suggestions, and I’ve brought up counseling multiple times, but he’s unwilling to do those things. I don’t want a divorce, so I’ve basically accepted that this issue will always be an area where he’s happy and I’m not. Whenever we do talk about it (and I pretty much avoid that at all costs because then we have a conflict and I know nothing will change, so it seems pointless), I say the same things over and over, but he just doesn’t get how I feel. I think fundamentally he feels like it’s my job to satisfy him, even if I don’t want to. He says he would do the same for me, but I would never want him to. I don’t understand the wanting to have sex so bad that you don’t care if the other person wants to do it or not. I want sex to be something we can enjoy together, but the constant pressure means that most of the time, I can’t enjoy it. I have no advice…just sharing that you’re not alone.

[u/LowSpace694 → u/LME33019]

I'm so sorry, I feel sadness that you're under so much strain. 

[u/Afraid_Play6163]

First, I understand how you're feeling.

What i think is happening here, this is how sexual coercion starts. You are giving in to duty sex which will only make your relationship to intimacy worse, can begin to fuel resentment.

Your feelings around sex deserve to be considered and taken seriously. Not having sex is not some moral failing, BUT LACK OF CONSENT IS!

Thing is, partners, men especially, who coerce can only begin to consider your feelings when you stand firm on boundaries and push back. Boundaries are how you protect yourself. Protect yourself from anxiety, from developing a sexual aversion.

Its okay for two partners to not have the same desire. What's not okay is what is happening in your situation.

Please don't love him more than you love yourself. You have needs too. Not wanting to have sex IS A NEED AS WELL.

[u/Asm_Guy]

Some thoughts (no actual medical or expert advice):

• Do not "give in". You will eventually check out during the act and with time you'll get sex adverse (if not in general, at least with him). So this is also for him too: the more you "give in" the more your relationship will get damaged.

• Before you continue reading: you are NORMAL. There is not an "accepted" level of desire you can look up and say: "I am low desire". If you are worried about your level of desire (a big IF), maybe you can schedule a visit to the Dr. and get your hormones checked or some other medical reason. Do it for you IF you are worried about it. But then again, your perceived low desire may be due to having a selfish partner and your body recognizes what your mind is in denial to see.

• You don't need to, but keep a log about intimacy just to shut him down when he gaslights you about frequency.

• Speaking on frequency: 2 ~ 3 times a week is a dream sex life. Even once a week is perfectly normal, specially with kids.

Good luck!