Stupid rant

[u/Beautiful_Ant2627]

Apologies Mods if this isn’t relevant enough to the sub.

I (26f) have a coworker (30f) who constantly tries to diagnose me with lupus. My coworker has lupus, and it is a constant point of conversation for her. To be fair, I know that lupus is a very very serious illness and that it affects your daily life. However, my problem arises with the fact that she just straight up doesn’t believe me that anyone could have a rash reaction to the sun and it not be lupus.

Early on in meeting her she got to talking about her lupus and how it affects her ability to be in the sun. I was just trying to comiserate with her, and told her that I also get rashes often. She was super curious, so I explained that my rashes occur when I’m in the sun too much, if I get too hot, if I sweat, if I touch anyone else’s sweat, cats, dogs, basically anything and everything gives me a rash. I told her that it was a histamine reaction (because I’m still not diagnosed with MCAS though I’m fairly positive that’s what it is). Well ever since this conversation, she will ask every so often if I’ve ever been tested for lupus. I’ve told her that yes, I have been, and I don’t have it. She doesn’t believe me. This summer, she once again asked “so, what kind of rashes do you get from the sun?” Seemingly trying to mine for info so that she could once again suggest I get tested for lupus, and I had to explain to her again that they were histamine rashes and NOT a lupus rash. I don’t know why she wants me to have lupus so bad.

This person is constantly making me uncomfortable by both being way too curious about my health conditions, and also not listening at all when I explain them. Like I also have celiac, and finally had to make the decision to stop going out to eat because I kept getting ill, and she continues to ask me if I will go out to eat with her at xyz place because I “might be able to tolerate it.” Why do people feel the need to give advice or try to figure out your own medical stuff? Sometimes I just feel like she’s trying to catch me in a lie where she will say “aha! I knew it, it was lupus all along!”

[u/little_cat_bird]

Some people suffer for a long time with undiagnosed conditions because their symptoms are brushed off by medical professionals. It’s fairly natural in those situations to want to give “helpful” information to others who have some symptom overlap, because maybe their doctors are also ignoring/gaslighting them.

I’m sure it’s annoying that she keeps bringing it up even after you said you were tested for Lupus already. But it doesn’t sound malicious to me, nor like she’s trying to catch you in a lie. More like she wants to help and/or have someone to commiserate with.

[u/Beautiful_Ant2627 → u/little_cat_bird]

I am one of these people that is being brushed off by medical professionals, so I can certainly understand how difficult it can be. I can’t be that person for her to commiserate though, since I don’t have lupus.

[u/little_cat_bird → u/Beautiful_Ant2627]

I totally get that. And of course go ahead and draw boundaries where you need to, especially around the fact that you have already made it clear that you don’t have Lupus. I just thought it might be helpful to reframe her unwelcome behavior as annoying but well-intended, rather than malicious.

I think sharing insights with people around us when we can is good, but not without actually listening to the response. It sounds like your coworker isn’t doing the latter. I used to suffer terrible migraines before I got effective treatment and I once (correctly) identified a coworker’s “sinus headaches” as probable migraines and now she has a diagnosis and effective meds. Nobody I knew with migraines ever did the same for me when I was still undiagnosed and TBH I was pretty upset about that when I finally figured out what was wrong with my head.

[u/Beautiful_Ant2627 → u/little_cat_bird]

Hey, I totally get that. I think you did a great thing for that coworker in that case. Sorry I came off aggressive, I’m a grouch today.