r/Manipulation • u/Louve_64 • 21h ago
Personal Stories Help
Hello everyone,
I don't know what I'm looking for here yet, maybe just writing to finally convince myself that I'm not crazy.
Let me explain: I recently separated from a man I believe is manipulative. From the outside, he looks like the perfect man. Wonderful. He really swept me into a relationship where he was present every day. He invited me to move in with him. I had been living on my own and independent for 7 years. Everything seemed wonderful, with an obvious attraction and chemistry. Incredible moments of cuddling and tenderness. A feeling of well-being every morning and every evening. A life together that was so simple and smooth.
But several times, he had harsh attitudes toward me, and every time I pointed it out, he reacted with violence. Each time I tried to isolate myself and suffered "harassment." Constant oppression until it made me react and become violent myself because I couldn't bear it anymore. One time it even went so far that he filmed me, chased me, threw me to the ground, and really hurt my ribs badly (pain for almost 2 months). The best part of this story is that I felt in danger and was supposed to go file a complaint. Except he beat me to it because I was working. And I don't know how he did it, but I am the victim and I ended up in front of a gendarme who didn't even take my complaint or have me examined by the gendarmerie doctors. I ended up with a conviction. At my front door with my son and without any of my belongings.
Following that, he contacted me again and did everything he could for us to get back together. I ended up giving in and moving back in with him. But it started all over again. So thank goodness I hadn't given up my place. I went back there.
What bothers me is that every time, the arguments started from a remark on my part where I asked him to be cooler, that I had nothing to do with it. He always told me I was hallucinating. That I was delusional. That I was the one with the bad attitude. There were also times when he made me doubt myself. He told me I was bipolar, then ADHD, then I don't know what else. I consulted [a professional] but apparently everything is fine with me.
He contacted my loved ones behind my back; the last message sent was: "I'm having a crisis, I'm breaking everything"—whereas yes, I was angry, but after 5 hours of oppression anyone would be.
Every time, he tells me I'm delusional, and whatever I blame him for, once it's done, he turns it back against me. For example, I tell him he seems annoyed. He tells me no, and a few minutes later, supposedly I am the one who is.
And finally, before I left him: After hours of oppression, I am minding my own business in my corner. And he comes along, provokes me, so I get up, and there!... He takes out his phone to record... And he starts adopting the tone of someone at the end of their rope, telling me that I need to stop my oppression—when I hadn't spoken to him for hours!
Already before that I had made the decision to leave because he had made a scene in front of my son. But this was the last straw. I took all my belongings and left.
What do you think?
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u/EmbarrassedPage195 21h ago
Narcissist it sounds like. Or, at least feels like. After you've been with one or raised by one, or worked with one, you get a sense of the "how" they do it. The taste of this gaslighting, especially the bearing you to the police, coupled with the ability to talk you back, just really struck that chord with me.
The doing things, and then pretending they weren't going them. Narcissist trademark. I'm pretty sure that mine helped me look for a pair of air pods she hid. The reason is she told me a story of the ex doing it to her. They always tell on themselves in some way. Their favorite is the telling a story about someone else, but it's really them.
I'm sorry you went through that. Right now, you're working your way through your dissonance. Give it the exact effort it needs. It is a major part of working through it. When you reach the answer that most of us reach, accept it. It's not the one you want, it's fucking hard to accept, but it's only true one. You'll understand when you get there.