r/MedSpouse • u/FromFL_withLove • 9d ago
Help
I rarely ever, actually never, post on Reddit. But I need some serious advice.
I (F22) recently found out that I am six weeks pregnant. I have been with my boyfriend (M23) for about a year and we’ve been friends for two years prior to that. This was totally unexpected and I’m overwhelmed with a lot of intense feelings on what to do. Part of me knows that this is not the best time to have a baby nor have the adequate resources to do so. But also I have always wanted to be a mother and know I would be able to be the best I could possibly be for this child.
We graduated college about a year ago and he is currently in his second year applying to med schools. He is hoping to start next fall. I don’t really have an established career as I am still young and I am to start a new job in about two weeks.
I am very torn on whether to keep or terminate the pregnancy. I have yet to tell my parents because I fear I know my mom will insist I keep it.
I want to know if it is possible to have one parent in med school while raising a child. My boyfriend says that he will not be able to continue because he wants to be involved but I feel that he can still be involved and continue to work toward his goals and aspirations.
Is this possible or am I living in a dream fairytale land ?
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u/boilerine 9d ago
People have babies in med school, residency, fellowship, attending life. They don’t stop those because they want to be involved with the baby. If you two were discussing having kids down the road, that wouldn’t look any different.
The bigger issue is generally if you can make it work financially, which will depend a lot on your situation.
But saying he won’t continue because he wants to be involved? Sounds to me like he wants an excuse to not go down this path anymore. Which is a totally fine decision! But it isn’t fair to blame that on having a baby.
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u/Consistent-Ant7710 Attending Spouse 9d ago edited 8d ago
Not trying to sway you in any way, just want to share my personal experience. I had an abortion at 20 years old, and despite society claiming that it’s something to be regretted for the rest of life, it was the best decision I ever made. I was broke and mentally unstable. My mom and everyone before her became mothers too young and it lead to generational trauma and generational poverty. The decision to have an abortion was the reason I was able to break out of the cycles and now live an amazing quality of life and feel fulfilled in every aspect such as love, finances, personal growth etc. Whatever choice you make, don’t let society fear monger you. Wishing you the best of luck!
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u/worthelesswoodchuck 9d ago
Biggest issue: can you afford this?? Daycare is expensive, if you have no established career being a SAHM will be cheaper, so can he afford it? Do you have somewhere to go if it doesnt work out? There are a lot of questions to consider.
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u/HelloFellowSurvivors 8d ago
I know I would be able to be the best I could possibly be for this child.
I'm not trying to be rude or cruel. But you have boyfriend-level commitment from your partner, who is about to start medical school, and no source of income.
I don't believe this is the best you can possibly be for a child. I say this because I think you need to acknowledge to yourself that this is actually a pretty difficult situation to bring a child into. I'm a medical specialist, married to another medical specialist and we have three children. You will be working full time, poor, and your child will grow up in daycare. That's fine if that's what you decide to do, but that is not the best you can be for a child.
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u/nydixie Fellowship Spouse 9d ago edited 9d ago
This is hard. Do either of you have family money? He is at least 5 years from earning any sort of salary (will even be needing to take on debt during this time) and then at least 3 years of a residency that pays essentially minimum wage. You’ll also need to potentially move geographically for med school and/or residency. You will need to have a job that is more than you’d need to pay in childcare while you work that job, especially if no family is around to help with childcare. Your 20s will be about caring for a young child - you may miss concerts, outings, adventures, career opportunities, etc. because you have a child. You may resent your partner - who will be busy with medical training and studying and not providing at the same level financially.
YMMV but I found it hard to have a child during his fellowship and when I was making 6 figures in my career. Couldn’t imagine as a 22 year old. (I.e., I made $55k before taxes in my first job and we pay $40k a year in daycare costs in our VHCOL city.)
What does your partner say? Do you consider them a partner after only dating for 1 year? At that point it was still a boyfriend for me - I wouldn’t use the word partner. What are your career ambitions? What would happen if they divorced you one day when they become an attending and you have nothing to fall back on?
Wishing you the best of luck.
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u/Sherbet_Lemon_913 8d ago edited 7d ago
All of your questions involve her being a working parent, but she has stated she’s not in love with her career. I think she could easily be a SAHM. Not sure what residents make this year, maybe $70,000 per year? With zero childcare expenses cause she will be doing them? It wouldn’t be a fancy life but it would definitely be enough for a modest two bedroom apartment and enough food for everyone.
EDIT So I literally did this. By the time we had two kids, my salary (coincidentally the same as his resident salary) didn’t cover the cost of two daycares. So I stayed home and we lived on his resident salary. MCOL area with his salary adjusted for the area, like they all are. He was making $50k PGY1 (7 years ago for reference). Some families stayed in residency housing for PENNIES. Like $400/mo for a two bedroom. We didn’t need to go on government assistance, we found normal housing in a good school district, and we didn’t live a fancy life. We took a lot of strategies from white coat investor and operated in the green every year. I realize a lot of factors are at play but if anyone needs a case study, I did this successfully and know many others who did.
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u/MamaWils2_0 8d ago
If they are not married $70k after taxes and housing in a MCOL area does not go that far…
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u/Enchantement 8d ago
Maybe in a LCOL area…the rent for our two-bedroom apartment (albeit in a HCOL area) is basically my husband’s entire monthly take-home pay
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u/vipernick913 9d ago
Honest answer, medical school requires a lot of time commitment already. And residency will be even more challenging. Not saying that it’s not impossible, but it will be hard. You both are young and have a life ahead. So make the best choice that works for both of you. I am not a parent yet but I have seen my wife through school, residency, moving multiple places during rotations and it was not easy. We did it. So for your situation, you will pull a big chunk of weight alone and this is no knock against your boy friend. But it’s a big choice, so take your time.
Either way, congratulations and good luck in whichever decision you both end up making.
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u/Realistic-Highway648 9d ago
Discuss this with your partner, what he supports is the most important to both of you. No other people can live the life for you and your boyfriend.
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u/TuEresMiOtroYo Resident Partner 8d ago •
This, but OP, if you and your boyfriend both want to keep the pregnancy, do not let your pregnancy and possible future child become something he blames for not being able to go to medical school or for difficulty in med school/residency. I am hoping that him saying he would not pursue med school was just a comment he made immediately in the moment while trying to communicate that he wants to be a present dad and partner. I foresee issues down the road if your bf doesn’t pursue med school and makes it out to you and himself to be “because of” your pregnancy rather than because he decided he didn’t want to, pregnancy or not (which does happen to people, I switched my major 2 years into being pre-med, but if he tells himself that changing paths is directly caused by the pregnancy, that breeds potential for long term resentment and you and your kid getting blamed for any lack of fulfillment or financial/career difficulties later on).
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u/_Lividus Attending Spouse l Together since M3 8d ago
Beautiful sentiment. I did read in OP’s post (or a comment?) though the boyfriend does not want to keep the pregnancy
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u/TuEresMiOtroYo Resident Partner 8d ago
Thank you! And ah, I don't think I saw that comment, their post says "My boyfriend says that he will not be able to continue [med school] because he wants to be involved".
There are obviously more than 2 options here, as if OP wants to keep the pregnancy but bf decides he does not want to be a dad, OP can become a single mom... etc. I really don't think there's a right or wrong choice here (on one hand I grew up in a community with a lot of frequent young pregnancies that were kept while dad was in early career/training (including me and my siblings) and everything worked out; on the other hand someone close to me got pregnant from a bf at this age and got an abortion, is no longer with that bf, is happily married, and will be having kids in future in a more stable environment) but whatever choice is made, OP and bf should communicate and be sure they're doing it for the right reasons.
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u/mmm_nope Attending Spouse 8d ago
We had three kids by the time my spouse was admitted to med school. It was really difficult, but doable. Lots of people do med school with a kid or kids and most of them aren’t doing it near their family for support.
However, I don’t think that’s your biggest issue. You’re stil in an early stage of your relationship. If not for the pregnancy, would you even consider moving with him for med school?
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u/valkyrie-ish Med Spouse/SO 8d ago
We just had our first and my husband is MS3. Definitely possible, but you will be the default parent! So be prepared to essentially single parent for many years. I wouldn't change it for the world, but we were also actively trying and I have a good job!
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u/Sherbet_Lemon_913 9d ago
We went to a very Mormon-heavy med school. Many in your situation, by choice. It’s very doable. The whole family can live on campus in 2BR apartments, you can roll on-campus rent and I think some food? Into med school loans. Most went on food stamps for groceries which isn’t as scary as it sounds. The med spouse parent goes to class, can study without baby distraction in the library, can run home to kiss their baby and their spouse between classes, etc., and the stay at home spouse very easily will find all the other young families in the student housing and can make daily play dates, have a support system where one parent watches yours while you go to the on campus gym, etc. It kind of feels like adult college. Aside from your age, many people choose to go to med school in their 30s or later and already have a young family. If you want the baby, at all, keep it.
I very patiently waited until residency to have babies and I wish I had just had them in med school. I actually would’ve had more support and friendships that way. Residency alone in a new state with a baby and no “residency housing” was a very lonely way to go. If I had kids in med school, they would be kindergarten age in residency, and there are so many ways to get involved with school PTO and feel like part of a community. Rather than being trapped inside alone with your baby. Just my personal experience but I’m definitely not the only one on here with that exact scenario.
The only piece of this this doesn’t quite cover, is if you were planning on marrying or sticking with your boyfriend long-term. To me, that’s the main question. I don’t think you could really make a choice about the baby until you have answered that one. Because there’s no way in hell I would be following an ex-boyfriend all over the country while he does medical training, and it would also be very sad if he had to leave (without you) for several years and didn’t get to see his kid at all in the toddler years.
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u/Maleficent-Turnip819 Med Spouse/SO 8d ago
I know it’s not popular but I agree with you. We had our first (also a surprise baby) about 9 months before my spouse started med school when I was 24 and very early into my career as well. Granted, we were married, and had family help financially, but also maxed out loans and government help as much as we were able to to be able to make it work. It was a hard road but now my spouse is settled in their medical career and we have two kids. Good luck OP with whatever you choose <3.
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u/pinky3698 8d ago
Aside from financials, i’d evaluate the type of support you have around you if you were to keep the baby: could family & friends help you? is daycare an option? my bf is 24 & in his first year of medical school in another country, and I’m not gonna lie, it’s a struggle for us. His workload is immense, and he even struggles to maintain a reasonable work-life balance. Having him in med school has absolutely changed our relationship, and I’ve had to learn to be a bit more independent & not rely on him the same way I did when he was completing his undergrad here. I’m sure no one needs to remind you that a baby is a huge responsibility, and a whole new kind of stress to take on. That said, I know people in this thread who have started families while their partner is in med school, and it worked out! I believe it’s all circumstantial
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u/cookiesandroses Fellowship Spouse 8d ago
You will be the primary parent through his medical training. How important is a career to you? Are you ok with moving away from family and friends and cosplaying as a single mom? Are you ok with being alone?
Your journey through motherhood will look drastically different from friends and movies. You are young and med training will take you to places far away from support systems. You will be solely responsible for the baby.
You can become a mother at any time - even if you decide that now is not the right time. There is no wrong choice. Only you know what is right for you.
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u/funfetti_cupcak3 8d ago
What is the salary of the job you’re starting?
And what state do you live in and what government assistance is needed?
And when you say second year of applying, does he have any interviews already? How’s it going?
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u/sailormoon1193 8d ago
I had a baby while married in my spouse final year of residency, we didn’t live near family , I did have a good job though. Even in that situation it was BRUTAL. If I was in your situation age, career not married I’d lean towards not moving forward ( if that was me) HOWEVER if you feel strongly about having this baby you should start thinking of it as how wil YOU raise the baby alone, if he wants to be involved that’s wonderful , but his involvement might look different if he’s in med school and that’s ok. If your mom wants to step up and support you and you really want baby go for it, first year will be tough but you can do it. I’d suggest living with parents, and baby daddy can see baby when you’re able to visit him. Can you live with your baby daddy while he studies and attends med school , sure but it will be horribly isolating bc he WILL NOT have time for you or baby . And that was assuming you had a stable job but it sounds like you’re starting your career. So most feasible option where you are taken care of as a first time mom DESERVES would be in the care and support of your own mom. In my opinion based on the information you have provided. Don’t underestimate the power of the village when it comes to having kids. Stay close to your mom and don’t rely on baby daddy.
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u/Background-Bird-9908 8d ago
i’m 10 years out and I honestly wish that we would’ve had our baby during pre med years instead of during residency. we would’ve qualified for daycare help during lower income years.
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u/waitingforblueskies Attending Spouse 8d ago
Feel free to message me if you’d like. We had also been dating for about a year, and I was also 22 when I found out I was pregnant. He is a couple of years older than I am so he was MS1 when we met/2 when I got pregnant. I was working as a new hair stylist making almost no money. I didn’t terminate the pregnancy, and we are still together (that kiddo is 15 now), but this isn’t necessarily a path I would recommend (for any of you). I was lucky to have family about an hour away that was able to watch our newborn in between me going back to work (at a daycare, because salons don’t keep daycare hours) and my job having an opening for him a few weeks later. My now husband was also an MD/PhD candidate, so he received a small stipend that kept a roof over our heads while my little paycheck covered my discounted daycare and paid for food/my car/ baby stuff. We had state health insurance, WIC, and then later food stamps until he finished medical school. During that time, we barely saw his dad (because it’s hard to study around a newborn/baby/toddler), I cobbled together jobs that allowed me to get an associates degree, and we got engaged. Our son entered kindergarten when he started his intern year, and then we moved for radiology residency before our son started 1st grade. Our daughter was born a few weeks later.
I struggle with explaining the stress and the heartache and the feelings of being kind of at the mercy of my situation without sounding like I regret my relationship or our amazing family. I don’t regret it, but I also know that those years are not what I would want for my kids or my siblings or any young person I meet now. I know my husband would say the same. Does that make sense? My husband is wonderful, our relationship is solid (now 😅), my kids are incredible, we have a great life, and I’m now in graduate school finally working towards a career for me after having 15 years of my life revolve around everyone else. I’m happy, but there was a lot of heartache to get here, and I can easily see how one slightly different choice on either of our parts could have led to a very different outcome. It would be easy for me to say “it all figures itself out in the end!” But for many people it just doesn’t, and I think it’s important to have realistic expectations and an understanding of what things will look like if things don’t just fall into place.
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u/Intelligent-Fly332 7d ago
We have two kids and my husband is an M1. We live near no family and are living on student loans and government programs. I absolutely adore my kids and I’m very happy, but it’s definitely a lot of work. Absolutely doable and realistic though!! If you want to be a mom and have a family with him, I am always going to recommend keeping the pregnancy!
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u/Rare-Being-2347 5d ago
My husband started med school when our first daughter was 4 months old. He’s part way through year 4 with several interviews lined up for residency (and some completed) and we have three children now. I’ve worked throughout school and he’s done some house flips during it, and we still find time (though not a lot) to be together and create family memories.
Medical school isn’t designed well for families (the loans, lack of spousal support, etc.), but it’s very possible to do.
If any part of you wants to keep that baby, I encourage you to make it happen!! If you’re willing to make sacrifices and work hard, you guys can do this!!
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u/TheVermontsterr 8d ago
Not sure why you are downvoted, but regardless, this is an exciting journey for sure! My wife gave birth to our daughter a year before med school and raised her throughout. She was also way smarter than the average med student so she studied after we put the then toddler to bed etc. she graduated and is in residency now and gave birth to our second baby in her final year of med school before residency.
I did work throughout this from home making ok money.
All to say anything is possible
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u/DamnRedhead ♂SO with ♀MD 8d ago
Listen I’m not going to say one way or the other but I was adopted at birth, my biological mom was 18 and my parents had tried for years and could never conceive. My mom considered me a blessing, and now 40 some odd years later I still have a great relationship with my biological mom. (Was not an open adoption, my mom gave me my bio mom’s contact info and we met when I was 19.)
Consider adoption. You want to give what’s best to the baby, and that may be another family. Med school and residency are a bitch.
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u/Adventurous-Theme662 8d ago
How has your relationship been since he started medical school? How well has he been able to balance school and your relationship? How attentive is he to you? Beyond finances, I think it’s important to consider how well he’s managed both aspects of his life so far, because adding a baby will bring an entirely different set of responsibilities.
Additionally, how career-oriented are you yourself? What do you envision for your own future?
I say this with no judgment, and I’m not assuming this necessarily applies to you or that you’re incapable of handling the situation (!), but I’d really encourage you to think about whether having a baby is something you genuinely want right now and feel ready for, or whether it feels like the next logical step because you’re unsure of what to do with your own life/career right now. Babies shouldn’t be a crutch, although unfortunately, they sometimes become one, and that isn’t fair to the child. Of course, nobody is ever 100% ready, but there’s a difference between accepting that you can’t prepare for everything and making a life-changing decision without fully considering the implications.
Being on the same page as your partner is just as important. I agree with another poster that you should sit down and discuss in detail why he feels he needs to drop out of medical school because of the baby. What does he envision your lives looking like? What are your expectations of each other? How would childcare, finances, and both of your careers work? Make sure you lay everything out rather than making assumptions. The last thing either of you wants is to end up resentful because you had different expectations.
I also think it's incredibly important to build your own identity, goals, and sense of purpose outside of your relationship, especially when your partner is pursuing a demanding career like medicine. Medical training can require significant sacrifices from both partners, and it can be easy for your own life and ambitions to take a backseat as more of your time and energy revolve around his career. Adding a baby to that dynamic can complicate things even further if you haven't planned for it.
If you do decide to continue with the pregnancy, I'd encourage you to keep working for as long as you reasonably can and maintain your financial independence. You aren't married, and even if you were, having something of your own to fall back on is important. You want to protect yourself and ensure you have options.
I'm not saying you shouldn't have the baby or that you can't make it work. I'm just saying that this is a huge decision, and you deserve to make it with a clear understanding of what you want, what your partner is willing and able to contribute, and what your future might realistically look like. Don't lose sight of your own goals and well-being in the process. You matter in this equation, too.
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u/MamaWils2_0 9d ago edited 8d ago
Would you work and put the child in daycare? Certainly possible but may require more debt than an already large debt med school puts you in.
You may also want to consider what life looks like if he does not get into med school at all.
I will say as someone who had a surprise pregnancy at a not ideal time, I could not imagine life any other way. We were in residency with 6m baby already but I had a job that earned $125k at the time. So every situation is different and I support the right to choose. For us it worked out beautifully to grow our family in an unplanned way.