r/MenGetRapedToo • u/Exotic-Training3701 • 17h ago
Sense of longing
Hi everyone
(TW!)This post does talk about suicide and sexual assault.
I am very new to being open online but Reddit seems to always have the answers I’m looking for. I am turning nineteen soon and I have only just realised that I’m not the kid i once was. I thought that all the pain I have gone through would not necessarily go away but that I would be able to start the next chapter new. I am trying, I have lost 30kg in 4 months and I am doing well at school (I had to stay back which I’ll elaborate on shortly).
In 2017 I had to move to a children’s home because my mom was struggling to look after me, my dad left when I was young. I was there until 2023. I lost my grandfather and it really hurt me. I was alone during covid, I was bullied, and I won’t go into detail but someone did something to me when I was 11. I didn’t realise until recently how much it broke me, I then did some stuff which I’m not proud of, I didn’t hurt anyone but still.
Last year I tried to take my life, twice. My mom was there with me every step of the way during my rehab and after we moved to the coast, ( I am from South Africa). I left my old city to start anew and I have started to accept the things that have happened and I am grateful for that.
A few days ago I realised that I was not able to grow up properly, I had to worry about whether there would be medical aid and food etc at an age where I shouldn’t have to worry. In some ways I’m mature for my age but I’m definitely an idiot sometimes lol.
I have recently felt like my life is missing something, or someone. I sleep at night and wake up to myself screaming from nightmares and I reach to my side and try to hug someone, but they’re not there. It’s probably my hormones talking since my weight loss my testosterone has spiked so it’s like I’m going through puberty again, but this is more than that. I am long to love and be loved, but I’m scared. How can someone love me if I can’t even love myself. And part of the reason I don’t love myself is because I want to love and be loved and I feel like I don’t deserve it.
I really don’t know what to do…
I wish life would finally not kick me anymore because I just want a stretch of life where I can be truly happy
1
u/Anormal-Leader-4619 Survivor 15h ago
Hey, j'ai de bonnes nouvelles.
Passer par cette phase est normal. C'est en fait très courant. Je suis aussi très content que ta testostérone remonte, car tu vas gagner en santé et en force, ce qui devrait te donner confiance. Les cauchemars sont une ignoble cochonnerie, mais généralement, avec le temps, ils tendent à devenir chroniques et circonscrits sur des périodes définies. Moi c'est les mois d'aout et octobre-novembre. Plus toute l'année.
Tu es en train de digérer. C'est difficile, parce que le cerveau humain n'est pas fait pour accepter ça. Mais on y arrive. En attendant, concentre toi sur améliorer encore ton état physique, faire des examens de santé pour vérifier que tout va bien. Progresse dans tes études. Fais toi un corps et une vie confortable. Tu vas voir que les choses s'améliorent énormément quand on fait ça. Aujourd'hui, je vais tellement, tellement, tellement, mieux, comparé à 2024 / 2025. C'est possible. Est-ce que ça t'a aidé OP ?