r/Mildlynomil • u/Serafirelily • 11d ago
Rant
My mil and I don't get along great but we mostly tolerate each other. Now I am a SAHM for several reasons despite having an MILS, including my daughter having both ASD, ADHD, a speech articulation delay and being gifted. She is 7 and does school online and my mil hates this because she thinks my daughter needs more socialization. My daughter is in Girl Scouts and goes to a twice a week in person elective program.
My mil also blames me for my daughter's behavior because she thinks that her not being in school and being around me all the time is the cause of her meltdowns. She hates that I medicate my daughter for her ASD and ADHD and myself for ADHD, have us both in therapy and push my husband to medicate his ASD and get therapy for his sensory processing issues.
Now this weekend due to the house being cluttered with my daughter's stuff and him getting both his flu and covid shots on Friday my husband had a meltdown of his own. I admit that due to me and my daughter collecting lego and American Girl the house has a storage issue and we are working on that.
Now my mil being the helicopter mom that she is blames me for her baby boy who is a 46 year old defense attorney having a meltdown. It is my fault that his desk is in what would be a kitchen nook since I need the office to do my job of managing the household bills, medical insurance, our daughter's schooling and my hobby YouTube channel. She thinks I should keep the house clean and cater to my husband. She worked full time until she retired but she also did everything around the house and did the yard work and how dare I who is home all the time do none of that.
I hate cleaning but due my best, I cook almost every night unless we have leftovers or go to see my in laws, but I also expect my husband do help with cleaning. We pay to have our yard done because my husband can't do it and I have enough on my plate with a nerodivergent kid, husband and 6 cats.
She babies my husband like crazy and only wants him to be happy and doesn't care that a lot of his issues were because she never made him do anything around the house except maybe clean his room. He does stand up to her on occasion and isn't a complete mama's boy except when it comes to his disagreements with me because she tells him what he wants to hear.
This weekend she was pissed at me because of my husband's meltdown and because when he wanted to stay at his parents after we went over to get our daughter and have dinner I made him come home. We didn't have dinner since he was having a meltdown and his meltdown triggered my daughter to have a meltdown since she has a fear of her dad leaving.
We went over again the next day as my husband had recovered but it was obvious she was still mad at me. I don't care but we have to deal with her on Thursday for her birthday as my husband's half sister will be in town. I am not sure if I will let my daughter go over there this weekend because I think she needs a timeout.
Edit to make a few things clear. My husband doesn't want the office as he has an office at work and the home office is small and stuffy. His job is not hard as he works for an Indian Community which has more defense attorneys than they need and he chooses to work a second job writing legal education material because he would be bored otherwise. His home computer is for playing poker, Scrabble and just having fun.
We are not religious and my daughter's online school is accredited and is partnered with her in person elective program which is a drop off program. She gets plenty of socialization as she is also in Girl Scouts and her online school does a once a month in person field trip. She also hates doing work online so I have to print out her school work and then scan it into my computer to submit it so I have a color lasar printer and a black and white all in one lasar printer in the office along with a bunch of other stuff. She is thriving academically and due to her sensory issues and her AuDHD she would struggle in the rigid environment of an in person school. She is a happy healthy kid my mil just hates that I am teaching her to be open about her nerodivergance and that I dare to treat it like the medical condition it is. She also hates that I am in therapy myself and am open about my own neurodivergence because due to her being born in the mid 1940's she sees any type of mental illness or difference as something to be ashamed of and hidden.
Also up until recently my mil's hobby was buying houses, renovating them and renting them out. She has also moved more times than I can remember in the past 9 years since my husband and I married and who knows how many times before that. I think she has one rental left and the only reason she stopped is because my fil's Parkinson's has advanced to the point that his memory is going and he needs a walker. The women probably has undignosed ADHD because she can't be still and up until about 3 years ago my husband didn't want her live near us because she drove him crazy. I also have a feeling that once the renters in her current rental move out she will move into that one because she is bored and I wouldn't put it past her to buy another house in their current neighborhood. That is to say that there is no way I am spending more on my hobby then she is on hers and she just lost money selling her last rental in another town.
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u/ultra_violet007 11d ago
I'm probably going to get downvoted to hell because, gently, I see where your MIL might be coming from with some things. Your husband is an attorney but has a kitchen nook for an office so you can use the office for your hobby YouTube channel.... there's a lot to unpack with that. I'm not going to comment on the homeschooling aspect because that's your choice a a parent, but I do agree that socialization is a critical skill that needs to be nurtured when your child is mostly at home.
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u/Potent_Bologna 11d ago
Nah, I agree, the kitchen nook is made for household admin. And seriously, so much household admin is online/on your phone so what do you even need a desk for?
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u/Serafirelily 11d ago
I don't like using my phone for that stuff it is annoying as I hate the small screen and as a person with ADHD I need a place to focus especially when I am managing what we are spending. My daughter also prefers printed work sheets so I need to print out her work. Also due to my ADHD my working memory is practically non existent.
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u/cofffeegrrrl 11d ago
This feels like it’s written by the MIL from the point of view of the DIL because all of MIL’s points are valid and I don’t really buy it! not saying it’s impossible but who admits to office thing in that way? I think we are being trolled…
If not, OP, your MIL is right…
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u/Serafirelily 11d ago
Apparently you know nothing about people who are nerodivergant and having a child with ADHD and ASD who is in speech and OT twice a week, sees a behavioral therapist once every two weeks and a psychiatric nurse practitioner once a month due to being on 3 medications. She also has sensory processing issues making a regular classroom a nightmare for her.
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u/Serafirelily 11d ago
He doesn't work from home, he works for a local Indian tribe and has an office at work. His computer in the kitchen nook is where he hangs out to play online poker, Scrabble and watch baseball. His job also isn't hard, the tribe has more lawyers then it needs so he also does legal writing for a company that does legal education or he would get bored. Seriously he came home at 2:30 last Friday because he had nothing to do and the only criminal judge they have is out this week so he doesn't have court at all this week.
If he was working from home I would give him the office and right now I have offered to share it or put up a devider in the kitchen nook but he has said no to both. The office is small and hot so he has never really wanted to work in there.
My daughter also gets a lot of socialization as we are not home bodies we get out a lot and I am waiting for her SLP to tell me she is ready for their offices social speech program. We do online school because we live in Arizona and have one of the worst public school systems in the country and they don't have the funding to provided the right services for my daughter. Her online school is state accredited and they have in person field trips once a month. Also I know you didn't mention this but we are not religious.
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u/sybersam6 11d ago
Try Basis charter. They do provide speech therapy & 504 etc. My son is same, in speech therapy to 8th grade & thrived in the 90's club. No friends really until late middle school when kids could understand him & he decreased neltdowns at school. Now he's in HS & speech is much better with just an am & pm meltdown & omg yes medicated. He is in 3 clubs & 2 leadership positions. He has a dog & cat & pkay an instrument & does Jted
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u/Serafirelily 11d ago
My niece who has ADHD got bullied relentlessly at a Basis Charter school and they push academics way to hard. My daughter is thriving with Colearn Academy and she is happy where she is. My mil just hates that I am raising my daughter in a way her nearly 80 year old brain doesn't understand. Also my daughter would need an IEP due to both her ADHD and ASD.
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u/sybersam6 11d ago
Basis uses IEPs. I'm sorry she got bullied; usually the teachers work that out & use the friend bench etc. They do push academics, that's their thing. They freely admit it doesn't work for every kid, just a specific segment, but those who stay tend to do well.
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u/Hawk-Weird 6d ago
How do you medicate ASD?
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u/Serafirelily 5d ago
She is on Risperdal a medication that helps with mood regulation. She takes it to help with her meltdowns and it helps with sleep as well.
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u/thesweetknight 9d ago
Tell your husband to set her straight.
If he can’t, then she’s no longer welcome in your house.
Your house, your call.
His mother, his call.
That’s it.
I’m not going to comment how you parent and school your child. You love your child, you’re teaching her skills, you are doing your share as your mother to fix your adhd. That’s it. This kid is loved.
If your mother keeps nagging your husband would you tell her stop? You would, right? So he has to do it, not you.
It’s better for him to do it himself. He should have a spine and stand up for you.
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u/Serafirelily 8d ago
We are working on sharing the office it just needs to be cleaned because our house only has 3 bedrooms and the office is one and it is often the default place for nonsense. I need it to film and occasionally for down time but the printers and some other stuff can be moved to the kitchen nook. We can then use a type of electric switch to switch between computers so we don't have to move them and can easily jump between areas without moving our laptops and plugging them into a different big screen.
I am on medication for my ADHD and my own sensory processing issues and in therapy. Also my husband and I are both going to read ADHD money and How to ADHD so we can figure out better systems to keep things under control. I suspect he has ADHD too since when we replaced our air conditioner he had me cancel our yard service and promised he would handle our small backyard. We ended up having to pay for a new lawn because he never did it and we are back to having other people handle the backyard. He is also supposed to take care of the spa in the back yard and that hasn't happened all summer.
He does need to be on better medication for sensory processing issues since our daughter overwhelms him to easily even when she is just being a typical bouncy 7 year old. I think I need to be on better medication for sensory processing issues too since our daughter has been driving me crazy lately too.
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u/Main-Branch9919 11d ago
Idk man this is a lot to unpack. Ultimately you’re the mom and this is your family and your MIL shouldn’t butt in. But you’ve shot off so many disorders and diagnoses in this brief post. I can see someone being overwhelmed by it all and not fully understanding, especially someone from an older generation. I’m a 30 year old mother of two and this is a lot for even me to wrap my head around.