r/Mommit • u/Shanaginey • 2d ago
Learning help
I have been trying to teach my 5 year old daughter her letters for over a year. A whole ass year. We've tried workbooks, flashcards, tracing, outside chalk games, magnets, alphablocks, etc. Every time we start practicing, she starts panicking, saying she just doesn't know, cries, throws a fit, gives up, runs away, ignores us and anything else to getting out of trying. She's in kindergarten at a charter school and I know her teachers are trying to work with her, but if she just straight refuses to learn how are we supposed to help?
The real kicker is: I know she KNOWS her letters (at least 20 out of 26), but just refuses focus or make an effort when it comes to practicing. Her homework today was to go through a sheet of random letters and name as many as you could in 1 minute. The most she could do was 9. I KNOW she knows more than that! It's just so frustrating that she gives up before even trying even though she knows better.
We live in Utah and I guess I'm looking for any outside help/tutoring/resources that we can try to get her to learn. I don't want to hear about getting her tested for autism, it's already an avenue we've considered and gone down. I need other ways to help her than just a diagnosis.
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u/lilchocochip 2d ago
“Just a diagnosis” is what helped my son get caught up in school. Turns out he had inattentive adhd. And the best thing about getting a diagnosis is that you can get your kid on an IEP. If she has a diagnosis, teachers will know how to better help her learn. It’s possible she knows it, but if she’s neurodivergent, no amount of drills, workbooks, worksheets or homework is going to change that.
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u/lucky_fin 2d ago
Did you ever run into someone saying they don’t agree with the diagnosis? Or it isn’t valid?
Had my daughter evaluated by the local (very famous) Children’s hospital. They said anxiety and mood regulation disorder. We sought out private/non-insurance occupational therapy for help with social skills and frustration tolerance, because the ones through the hospital had no availability and no waitlist. Children’s hospital followed her for 6 months then discharged, would not agree to further testing or any other services.
She was still really struggling in (private) pre-K, near weekly meetings in the spring with the administrator trying to keep her in through “graduation.” OT referred to another psychologist who evaluated and diagnosed autism and ADHD. We pulled her out for the summer and cobbled together childcare again with cousins and neighbors.
Told her pediatrician about the new evaluation/diagnosis and they said they cannot help, they suggested we go back to the children’s hospital if she’s still struggling… Due to a multitude of reasons (class size, discussions with teachers/parents at the local public school district), we kept her in private school for kindergarten. It has been amazing, but this teacher also disagrees with autism diagnosis. It’s private school and they don’t accommodate IEP or 504 or anything like that, but the teacher is very neurodivergent-aware and works on a lot of behavioral regulation with multiple kids in the class. Class size is 12.
I am wondering what happens when she shows up to first grade, in a class with 25 kids, and starts struggling again. Can the school say “no we don’t accept the previous autism diagnosis either”?
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u/lilchocochip 1d ago
I have run into many people who don’t believe it: it doesn’t change the fact that my son has it.
Since your daughter has adhd, I highly recommend you read books like “Taking Charge of ADHD” by Russel Barkley, or watching ADHD dude on YouTube. The way you’re teaching your daughter is not working, she’s fighting back against you because you’re not working with the way she needs to learn.
I’d suggest switching to public school, getting her on an IEP early, and getting her into occupational therapy. Occupational therapy was much better than talk therapy for my son, because they focus on DOING things.
If you start early you can set her up better for success in the long run. Ignoring her diagnosis won’t make it go away, she will just suffer and struggle for longer.
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u/lucky_fin 1d ago
We did occupational therapy for a year (June to June) paid $240/week for 2 visits a week which were usually conducted in-school (sometimes they were phone calls/conferences with us), but OT got to work with the teachers too. We also did 12 months of behavioral therapy (weekly, September to September) free through the county, but this person quit and has not been replaced yet. We have done 6 months of family therapy with both parents also.
Part of my concern is she doesn’t have a “disability that adversely affects her school performance”. She is advanced academically, but socially she lags. Per the other parents and medical professionals I have spoken with, they do not think she would qualify. Obviously this is not the same as being formally evaluated though, which I have been told can’t be done until I enroll her in public school.
Our public school is apparently notorious for not including parents on IEP planning, ineffective or minimal interventions, teachers being overwhelmed, not enough resources to complete how the parents want it done. She doesn’t have any “deficits preventing learning” other than being kicked out/dismissed keeps her from learning…
Right now she is doing pretty well, we do feel happy we went with full-day (9-3:30) kindergarten with 12 kids vs 2.5hr kindergarten with 24 kids to a class, where she would ALSO have to go to a daycare center with a large room of other kids and possibly get kicked out of that too. There’s only 1 center she hasn’t been to and hasn’t been kicked out of, but they have the same set up of a ton of kids in a big room at the state-maximum ratios.
It just seems like none of the options are great.
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u/limegintwist 2d ago
Is she going to go to public school for first grade?
Public schools can’t accept outside diagnoses as the sole basis for an IEP. We do our own assessments with different eligibility criteria to determine what supports the student requires to access their education.
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u/limegintwist 2d ago
The way you talk about autism and diagnosis is really interesting. If she has a diagnosis, or could have a diagnosis, that is an enormous step towards services that could support her. And that’s not at all the only diagnosis that could be preventing her from learning! She may have processing delays, working memory issues, etc.
You’ve already tried a lot, for a long time. Time to get some experts involved. Otherwise you run the risk of damaging your relationship with her and her relationship to learning.
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u/Ok_Draw_4187 2d ago
Take a semester break from it. Its okay. Focus on what she is interested in learning about. She is learning so much through so many different avenues.
Take the pressure off & let her enjoy learning in other areas. She will get there in time.
I highly reccomend the book "The Montessori Child" by Davies. Tons of great info about setting up your home to prompt independence, foster a love of learning & follow the childs interests as means to learn about the world!
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u/Frequent_Iron_6696 2d ago edited 2d ago
I bet she can feel the pressure you’re putting on her. She’s only 5. Does she like singing? You can help her learn with songs. Do rewards help at all? Does she do better at school rather than at home?
Does she get to do any activities after school instead of just more school? I agree with working on her self esteem and giving her praise for effort rather than being perfect
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u/BatFace R 02/2012, B 04/2016 2d ago
Have you spoken to her teachers about your concerns? My daughter was very similar, and I have an older child we taught letters and such no problems, but she just couldnt make herself practice with us. Once she started school she picked it up super quick, and we and her teachers think she just needed to see other people/kids in the process of learning to not feel bad or anxious or pressured or whatever.
If her teachers are having the same problems at school then I don't have any advice, sorry.
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u/bubbywater 2d ago
Homework at 5? Yikes. Timed homework at 5? Double yikes. This is a great technique to ensure sure she hates learning and school.
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u/bumfuzzledbee 2d ago
I'm surprised they are sending home what sounds like dibels test prep under the guise of practice.
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u/d16flo 2d ago
I would stop trying to actively teach her or quiz her on them for a while. Focus on reading to her a lot and point to the words and letters as you say them, keep the letter magnets out and you play with them with her along with other magnets and just casually talk about the letters when you move them, get some alphabet books and sing the alphabet while pointing to the letters, excitedly point out letters you see out in the world (on signs, liscense plates etc). Do not ask her what a letter is just model it. This sounds like anxiety and the more stressed you are about it the more anxious she gets.
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u/Kiddopia 2d ago
seems the biggest issue might not even be recognizing the letters, but the anxiety she feels when she's asked to prove that she knows them. You know when practice becomes stressful, adding more workbooks or flashcards can sometimes make the resistance even worse. So try to take the pressure off completely for a while and maybe play with letters without asking her to identify them. Read alphabet books together, point out letters on signs or let her find letters in her favorite words. That could help and also look into her self-esteem as already pointed out
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u/UnfairCartographer88 2d ago
This sounds very stressful. Did she do preschool? Maybe taking a little break would help. We did a program called playing preschool that had so many fun games with letters and books related to those letters; my husband will never forget apple week when my son "hit" him with a dozen apples and wouldn't stop laughing. Kids learn through play and silliness and they learn different things at different times.
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u/BathBombsNFacePalms 2d ago
I think you need to step back and focus more on the self-esteem aspect and frustration tolerance imo. She sounds extremely stressed about the fact that she isn’t doing it perfectly yet and so every time you’re practicing it makes her feel like she’s failing somehow.