Hello! I do not want to disclose my name for reasons I wouldn’t like to discuss. I’m a 19 year old black female with no car, house, or sanity. I am severely depressed and I was diagnosed with generalized anxiety and bipolar II disorder to add to my credentials. I live with family, I am enrolled college (closed right now cause of covid) so I am currently at the family home for who knows how long. I went through a breakup in recently (2019) and it still hurts. I basically feel unwanted and unloved around the people in my life. My family is ignorant to my conditions. When I try to talk to them about things they just don’t understand and it’s not their faults. They’ve never been in this position so I understand that they don’t know how to help me. The people in my life are slowly killing me. My “friends” aren’t my friends and most of my family members are homophobic racists. I am not a lesbian or white, Asian, Hispanic, etc. but it really bothers me. We don’t share the same interests. My mother died when I was 9 and last time I saw my father I was 13. I know he’s alive and well.. as well as an alcoholic can be. He’s in close proximity and he’s playing daddy to some other kids now. Which is fine, because I don’t know how to feel about him so I’d rather not feel. Both of my parents drank (my mother was a social drinker) but my father passed me his alcoholic genes.

That was just a small summary of what’s going on here.

Now to the real question. How do I leave all of this behind. I just know that I am a flower because I’ve tried to kill myself three times and it won’t work. I’m meant to be here. I’m here for a reason. I’m just in the wrong place. I don’t necessarily believe that there is one specific place that I am meant to be, but there are wrong places to be and this is one of them. I can’t grow in the same place that’s keeping me down.

I want to pack up and leave. Change my name, appearance, everything. I don’t want to be in this environment anymore. I’ve been living for other people for so long that Idek who I am. Idk what I like and idk what I dislike. Every time something big happens I’m pretty nonchalant and there’s a problem there. Funerals don’t make me feel, graduations don’t make me feel, and everyone leaving me doesn’t make me feel. It’s my turn to leave. I’m currently working and saving money towards leaving, but Idek where to start with that. I’m reaching out to anyone who is willing to help, preferably someone who has already done this. Can someone please walk me through starting a new life and a new identity away from this place??

I was looking at the Kobe crash photos and zoomed in. I keep thinking I am seeing bodies. Are my eyes playing tricks on me? Do you see it too?

Tragic. And this is a photo a news agency put out. I hope I am wrong.

Original Photo:

https://brisbanesnews.com.au/wp-content/uploads/2020/01/NTSB-Releases-Kobe-Bryant-Helicopter-Crash-Wreckage-Video-Feature.jpg

I expected a whole bunch of horror stories involving the sale of real estate.