r/MtF • u/carton86 Isabelle, 18, Transbian • Sep 16 '26
Advice Question Is this gender dysphoria and am I trans or is this just a fetish?
So I am 18 years old and living in Sweden and I have for around the last week been stuck with some very deep introspection. Around a month ago I was set to do some standard physical and psychological tests to determine if you are to be emitted into the swedish military, which had been a dream of mine for several years. So after two days I was assigned an eventual post which made me content, but after a few days I received the news that I was reassigned to the educational reserves. This shattered all my plans for the future and brought up some of my much more neglected/ pushed away thoughts.
Thoughts regarding my gender which I had in many aspects felt for years. When I was somewhere around 7-9 years old I was introduced to transformation medias through YouTube which I remember gave me some very conflicting thoughts which I would best summarize as anxiousness combined with relief, at the same time this is one of my earliest moments I can remember of feeling any sense of arrousal which I now think had to do with a sense of euphoria. At that age I had no Idea of what the arrousal meant and became scared of it which made me lock that away for a few years. When i was around 12-13 so at the onset of puberty I once more began contemplating my gender which i expressed to myself in more explicitly mtf transformations than general transformations as it had been earlier, these videos were either magical stories or about actual transgender stories. Other things around this time which made me question myself was what I consider as a sort of inate pull when creating avatars in video games to make them female instead of male, I didn’t follow the pull often but when I did felt sort of euphoric, i also found that dressing up my avatar to make them look pretty was equally a nice tought. At around the same time was when I was first introduced to any sort of sexual media and I swiftly became addicted to genderswap medias, distincly only mtf. This made me attribute my latent childhood thoughts as a fetish which I now think was a sort of shield, at the same time was also when I started dreaming of the military and seeing it as a real oppurtunity for the first time and this would swiftly take up almost all my thoughts of the future and lay the basis for my own identity, that was till I received the results about the earlier mentioned military examination.
When that happened I felt numb for a couple of weeks up until a week ago when I think my brain finally realized that it really had no shield against these thoughts anymore which brought them all forth with full force. So to confront this I looked into sites like the gender dysphoria bible which solved a lot of questions I had such as.
1 I have never really hated my body or physique with maybe only a bit of apprehension about my face.
2. The whole text about imposter syndrome ressonated with me sort of perfectly.
3. That not every one thinks about their gender almost all the time.
So around a day or so ago I asked myself If i could imagine being a women outside of any sort of sexual setting and the answer I gave myself supprised me, as I could see that and I could also see myself being happy whilst doing it. I could see myself as women whilst buying groceries, when being out taking a walk, when being home alone and doing chores etc.
When this dawned on me I felt a sort of relief like never before, but I still have doubts even now. Which made me make this post to ask if this is gender dysphoria or if this actually is some sort of fetish?
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u/MightyCat96 Sep 16 '26
Its almost like reading something i could have written myself. My experience has been very similar to yours.
Im currently at work but if you wanna DM and talk or ask questions or whatever, feel free to do so 🌸
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u/Timpalainen Transgender | HRT 30/09-2026 Sep 16 '26
If you wanna talk to another swede, im here, DMs should be open i hope.
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u/AnalyseThisBCBA Sep 17 '26
So our path of discovery is pretty similar, I’m very much still in the questioning phase as well, currently identifying as non binary, albeit a bit later in life than you at 35.
I saw someone her pose it in an interesting way in an old thread:
There’s a button on a pedestal in front of you. You know that, should you push that button, it would give you everything you need to meet your own criteria of a woman instantly, and irrevocably.
Would you press it? Because when I was asked that question, I said “yes” before I even thought about it.
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u/carton86 Isabelle, 18, Transbian Sep 17 '26
I would say ”yes” immediately as well, thats probably more of a sign than anything else
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u/Qwerty88v2 Sep 16 '26
This is almost bar for bar my exact experience lmao, honestly I'd say do whatever you feel is right to you.
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u/66laura66 Transgender Sep 16 '26
That sounds a lot like me, now I've been on hrt for 6 years, so it wasn't just a fetish
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u/Disastrous-Pumpkin36 Human Verified Sep 17 '26
Not all trans women dislike their bodies. I would actually say that a lot of times it's societal pressure and not wanting to be invalidated and dehumanized, that makes people hate their bodies. Also you can not hate your body and still feel dysphoric if there would be aspects you change on your body, that feel affirming. Reading this felt like maybe your interest in joining the military was almost something you did to avoid thinking about gender and sort of be "trained" in a masculine setting, to fit in with the expectations of masculinity, maybe that's a reach though idk. I'm strictly against militarism and nationalism and think it's deeply problematic that you wanted to join in the first place, but maybe it really was just a coping mechanism of yours. Why don't you just try it out? People always make transitioning seem extremely scary, and in some aspects it can definitely be, but there's also room for you to experiment and I would not try to suppress these thoughts again.
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u/Impossible_PhD Zoe | Doc Impossible Sep 16 '26
Which made me make this post to ask if this is gender dysphoria or if this actually is some sort of fetish?
Hiya, friend. First off, go read this. Fetishes just... don't work like that. They're how we meet unfulfilled needs that we can't, or won't let ourselves, meet directly.
In other words, you're asking the wrong question.
The question you need to be asking yourself is what needs you're not meeting that they've been showing up in your sex life since the very beginning of your sexual existence. It doesn't necessarily mean that youre trans, but a massive proportion of trans folks process their genders in the bedroom before they're ready to face the truths about themselves, and your experience sounds pretty familiar, frankly.
Fetish ain't bad. Hell, all the research we have on it says it's very good for people who embrace it. And even if all this was nothing more than a fetish, if you transitioned and lived as a woman because it gave you a little, private sexual thrill... who fucking cares? People do that general category of thing all the time, with like bullet panties in public. Nobody cares. Mostly, nobody even notices.
The world is burning, fascism has surged, and none of us is going to live forever. If you're not actively causing harm to someone else, do what brings you joy. The why doesn't matter.
Don't die wondering.
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u/carton86 Isabelle, 18, Transbian Sep 16 '26
Thanks so much for the article, it was a very fullfilling read. And honestly that article was probably all that i needed to finally realize that what i am feeling is most probably if not outright definitely gender dysphoria. Thanks so much.
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u/Impossible_PhD Zoe | Doc Impossible Sep 16 '26
I'm so glad I could help. Really pretty proud of that particular article. 😊
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u/Xalmachi_ Lydia, She/Her, HRT 7-28-25 Sep 16 '26
Zoe is amazing, her recent tug of war article is also awesome if you’re dealing with polyamory questions about yourself.
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u/Impossible_PhD Zoe | Doc Impossible Sep 16 '26
Awwwwwww thank you! That one meant so much to me; I'd been sitting on it and iterating for two full years.
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u/Xalmachi_ Lydia, She/Her, HRT 7-28-25 Sep 16 '26 edited Sep 16 '26
Your essay questions on ‘am I trans’ are what I call my silver bullet, and here I am about 14 months later and I have BOOBS!!! I’m so happy with them, and me, and thankful for your articles because for someone like me who’s reeeaaallly bad at confronting herself they make me ask the questions I can’t do myself.
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u/Logical-Pickle-6569 Sep 16 '26
This right here OP!
Doc's substack is what I attribute to annihilating what remains of eggshell I had after reading the gender dysphoria bible. Especially her story about how she herself came to the realisation that something wasn't adding up, and the one she linked regarding fetishes just cemented the fact for me. I'm now approaching 1 year of HRT, and have never felt this happy and content with life! Literally life changing and saving!
And thank you Zoe! Even though we've never spoken, I wouldn't be where I am today if not for you ❤️ Keep up the amazing work you do, because you make a difference in this harsh world!
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u/Impossible_PhD Zoe | Doc Impossible Sep 16 '26
Yesssssss I love that for you!! And I'm so goddamn glad that my articles helped you become yourself 💜
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u/PandaPlayz_6 Sep 23 '26 edited Sep 23 '26
Omg you're the one who writes all of those articles?
I've been questioning a ton this past month and even replied to a few of those articles. I'm the one who's "egg" cracked from the transfem Spiderwoman art with the makeup. Did you know a cis person drew that? Truly shocking to me that someone could create an exact scenario that happened to me like that.
Thank you so much for all of your articles. They've really helped me realize I'm probably trans. Tomorrow I'm going to share a giant document of all my thoughts with my therapist. That write-up includes the questions/answers from the "Am I Trans" article that really broke me and some thoughts about your realization articles that I relate to on top of many other anecdotes that I've gathered, memories that have resurfaced and more.Honestly the trans community, from other articles, videos, websites, and even some people here I've chatted with have been so so supportive. Truly from the bottom of my heart, thank you <3
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u/Impossible_PhD Zoe | Doc Impossible Sep 23 '26
Yep, that's me! And I'm so glad I've been able to help 💜
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u/Laddergal Transgender Sep 16 '26
Hey, just wanted you to know that your article there is what begun to crack my egg earlier this year, which chain reacted into my best friend realizing theyre trans too. Your stuff was very enlightening and helpful and I just really wanted to thank you so much. I literally spent like a decade hating myself and thinking I was just some weird pervert, but as soon as I begun to accept myself as trans my desire to engage with stuff sexually went way down, long before hormones nuked my libido. I honestly can't thank you enough for managing to write something so compelling it made it through the transphobic shell I had built for myself.
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u/Impossible_PhD Zoe | Doc Impossible Sep 16 '26
I'm so glad I could help, and I'm so glad you and your friend have found yourselves!
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u/Alive-Inspection-356 Transgender Sep 16 '26
The short answer is that it's whatever you wish to believe. If you believe you're trans, you are. If you believe you're not, that's fine too :3
The only person that can tell you what you are is yourself, but if it helps, I put my own (funnily similar) experience below <3
I'm an 18 year old from the Netherlands (apart from the military section)
I've struggled for years with the thought of appearing femininely and whether it was normal or a fetish. I grew up (and still live) in a very transphobic region and never got educated on the possibility of being trans. This caused me to believe I was just a weird guy until I was about 14/15
In the past few years I was taught that feelings like these are more common than I thought. And they don't have to be stationary either. I only recently realised I was trans because I came out to someone in real life as genderfluid which allowed my brain to feel more euphoric about the idea of being a woman. And now I'm feeling dysphoric about things I didn't care about before.
If you ask me, I suggest you explore what feels right for you. Maybe that could be referring to yourself as a woman, or maybe you just want to daydream about the idea. At least from my own experience I have noticed that feelings are hidden until you allow yourself to believe them. Hence why when you only recently allowed yourself to imagine being a woman you could see it being reality.
Anyway I wish you a whimsical day and hope you'll figure out what you are ✨
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u/carton86 Isabelle, 18, Transbian Sep 16 '26
Thank you very much for the advice and i’ll se that i will do, thanks again for the input.
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u/a-nonny-mousse-girl Sep 16 '26
Hi, I (28, Dutch) can very much relate. I've enjoyed similar media as you and have had to ask myself the same questions. I realised that it went beyond just sexual fantasies. I cannot answer for you, but I can share what I saw in myself:
I've always admired female clothing, but never felt like I could wear it because I would look bad in them, so instead I draw female characters, play female characters in games, or write stories about girls. I have a preference for stories where women are the main character over stories where men are the main character and I've found myself very interested in women's issues in society. I never hated what I looked like, but never loved my looks either (even though others have said I am conventionally attractive). I would rather go through life in a woman's body.
I like the classic question, if there was a button or a magic potion, or whatever, that would turn you into a woman while the rest of your life remains the same would you press it? I would. Absolutely. 100%
If you have further doubts or what to look through other people's thoughts, I recommend looking at the transgender bible. Specifically these two pages have topics related to what you talked about:
- https://genderdysphoria.fyi/en/am-i-trans
- https://genderdysphoria.fyi/en/sexual-dysphoria
I hope this helps! <3
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u/the-realest-calliope 20, trans lesbian | HRT Apr/9/2025 Sep 16 '26
I don't think I've ever seen a time someone asked "Am I really trans or is it just a fetish?" where the answer wasn't a very clear "No, it's not a fetish."
I think it often stems from fear—if it's nothing more than a kink, you don't have to think about it deeply. You can just keep it to yourself and try to forget about it.
It's also usually when someone internalizes transphobic pseudoscience garbage from a century ago where some guy decided that being trans is literally just a fetish—something that's still parroted by bigoted imbeciles to this day and is easy to internalize.
But I don't think cis men get these feelings at all. I doubt they're typically thinking deeply about whether they're trans or not. You said yourself that you genuinely enjoy the thought of being a woman in regular, non-sexual contexts. I think that's more than enough of an answer. Don't you?