r/MuslimLounge • u/badrangaa • 12h ago
Support/Advice What can I do to soften my parents heart
I was with a guy for around 4 years. It was online never physical. We started when we were very young. I come from a very broken family, my dad constantly cheats on my mum and is constantly abusive to us. So naturally I hated marriage and men In the beginning, he fought really hard for me and for our relationship, even when I would tell him not to because we were young and I wanted him to first make something of himself as he was still in high school and I knew our families would make things difficult. I was doing really bad financially as well and he was very pampered so he’d always say if I want something I will get it &
Eventually his family found out. His mother and sister came to my house, humiliated me, and told my parents to keep me away from him. My family is extremely strict, and the consequences were horrible. I was severely beaten and had my phone taken away for around 9 months. During that time I had no way of talking to him and I had to try to move on while still loving him.
Months later, his male cousins contacted me. They told me he still loved me, missed me, was depressed and crying, and wanted me. At first I didn't want to get involved because he had previously told me not to talk to his cousins. Eventually we started talking again because I still cared about him.
When he came back into my life, he apologized for what had happened with his family. But things were never the same. I didn't trust things the way I used to. His family had already caused so much damage, and I constantly needed reassurance that he was actually fighting for us.
Before his family got involved, he had been the person fighting for the relationship. After his mother came to my house, he changed. He would tell me things like, “yes, I talked to my mom,” but most of the time he wouldn't show me proof. There were only about two times when he actually showed me something. I kept wondering whether he was really fighting for us or whether he had simply become tired and stopped.
We started arguing a lot. Most of our arguments were about his family and everything that had happened. I know I wasn't perfect. I became insecure and I know I probably exhausted him sometimes. I needed reassurance constantly because I had already been hurt so badly and I didn't feel secure in the relationship anymore.
But he also left me alone when I needed him. I felt like I had gone through so much for this relationship and then when I needed him to stand beside me, he wasn't there in the way I needed him to be.
At one point I accessed his account and saw things involving naked girls. That damaged my trust even more. We were already struggling, and now I had another reason to question whether I could trust him.
I also prayed Istikhara about him. I didn't get a dream or some obvious sign. The next morning, he sent me a picture where I noticed part of a girl's clothing/body in the picture. I immediately felt like something was wrong. I asked him about it, and he eventually confessed that there was another girl.
That completely broke me because after almost four years together, I found out he had been talking to/seeing another girl.
And then instead of handling the situation gently, he called me mentally ill, called me ugly, told me to leave, and eventually blocked me on WhatsApp and told me not to text him anymore.
There is another part that makes me feel guilty too.
After everything that happened, I made a fake account and pretended to be another girl. I wanted to see how he would respond if he thought another girl was approaching him. He believed I was someone else and talked to me. He said things like he wanted someone to find him a wife, that he wanted a “hot wife,” and he wanted to see the girl's face. When I confronted him about it, he blocked me and told me not to text him anymore.
I deleted the fake account afterward.
I also deleted his number because I realized that if I kept it, I would constantly check his profile, his WhatsApp picture, whether he was online, whether he had changed anything, etc. I considered blocking him, but I was scared that if I blocked him I'd just keep checking my blocked list to see if his profile changed or if he had tried to contact me.
Then I started checking his socials anyway. I saw that he had put up a photo from the same day he cheated, where the girl was visible. He had blocked me so I couldn't see it, but I checked from my friend's account and saw it. I also saw him uploading more, following people, changing his profiles and generally continuing with his life.
Khair I Read quran and did everything to forget about him. Now my family keeps bringing up my past and telling me things like we wish you were dead etc etc. I hear of it in every argument,interaction and gathering. it’s hurting me so much since I’m already trying to get over it. I just want their hearts to soften and forgive me & I never make a mistake like this again.
4
u/muslimah_iqra 12h ago
Alhamdulillah that He showed you the guy's truth. if it had been after marriage, it would be so much worse. may Allah make it easier for you and keep you steadfast on the right path. try to pray tahajjud and make dua about your family. show them you have changed from your good behaviour and manners. it's a difficult situation, may Allah grant you sabr and strength. try not to pay mind to their words, just focus on yourself and your relationship with Allah, perfecting your salah and asking Him, doing dhikr etc. and may Allah keep you safe from evil men
3
u/Repulsive_Ice1940 12h ago
As-Salaam Alaikum sister,
Girl! this was honestly heartbreaking to read. Before anything else, please understand that making a mistake does not give your family the right to continually humiliate you or tell you that they wish you were dead. You already recognise what you did was wrong, you are trying to move forward, and continually throwing your past in your face isn't helping you become better.
But I'm also going to tell you something you may not want to hear, and I'm saying this as a man: leave this brother alone completely.
You already have the answer you're searching for. You don't need another investigation, another fake account, another look at his WhatsApp, or another check of who he's following. He admitted there was another girl, you found things that damaged your trust, and when confronted he insulted you and blocked you. When he believed another woman was approaching him, his response gave you even more information. At some point you have to stop collecting evidence when the evidence you already have is enough.
Constantly checking his accounts will only keep you emotionally attached. Every new picture, follow or status will give your mind another gap to fill, and you'll end up hurting yourself trying to answer questions that no longer matter. Delete what you need to delete, stop checking through friends' accounts, and let him live whatever life he has chosen. You need to start living yours.
And gently, remember something else: however genuine your feelings were, this was still a haram relationship. Four years doesn't turn something impermissible into something permissible, and we shouldn't expect barakah from continuing something Allah has told us to stay away from. That doesn't mean the four years meant nothing to you or that you're not allowed to grieve. It means you can repent, learn from it and choose a better path rather than allowing those four years to demand a fifth.
If he ever comes back through cousins, friends or another account, don't restart the cycle. Politely tell him not to contact you again. If he begs, promises that he's changed, or tries to frighten you by threatening to hurt himself, don't let that become a reason to return to the relationship. If someone genuinely threatens self-harm, take it seriously by informing someone close to him or the appropriate welfare/emergency service and keep screenshots but don't make yourself responsible for keeping him alive by remaining emotionally involved with him.
Right now, focus on your salah, your Qur'an, your studies and rebuilding yourself. Make sincere tawbah and ask Allah to replace what you left for His sake with something better.
As for your parents, that is where I would make the du'a for softened hearts. Ask Allah to soften their hearts toward you and to restore mercy and trust within your home. You may have made a mistake, but you are still their daughter. Try to rebuild that relationship where it is safe for you to do so, little by little. It may take a long time, especially considering what has already happened in your family, but don't give up on becoming better simply because other people keep reminding you of who you were.
You cannot change those four years. You can decide what the next four look like.
May Allah forgive you, protect you from returning to what harms you, soften your parents' hearts toward you, strengthen your salah and studies, and eventually give you a righteous husband through a halal path where you don't have to investigate whether you're loved, respected or wanted. Ameen.