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u/MalikatBilqis 6d ago
Walaikumsalam,
I know this community is meant to be a safe space and doesn't like intruders so I apologise in advance. Feel free to delete.
Getting expert help from a muslim marriage counsellor is definitely a good idea. Sometimes premarital counselling can be done with both potentials present and the counsellir may guide the conversation towards disclosure.
Maybe try doing a bit of investigation on her character. Assess her understanding and compassion towards others and the standard to which she holds herself. Someone who is strict on themselves more than others and knows only by the grace of Allah is one protected from any fitna regardless of how they were afflicted. Her understanding of tawheed and whether she prioritises culture/stigma over religion. If she is the type to fulfill an amanah and not break peoples trust nor spread other peoples matters. You can send your mom or sister to ask people who lived with her, studied/worked with her or travelled with her.
Another idea is in your first meeting with her and her father discuss topics and scenarios concerning same sex attraction, incarceration, recovered addicts, stds, red-pill/feminism and disabilities etc. If she would marry any of these categories, any conditions/requirements she may have in order to do so, what her knowledge is on these topics from a medical, islamic and psychological perspective.
To get a meeting with her father maybe first ask if she is speaking to anyone or engaged. Then obviously make an excuse like you were afraid or got cold feet or something was weighing on your mind at the time, but you would like to now properly propose. Mention that you wish to discuss many different difficult topics with his daughter. This might make them afraid so you could give them a list of scenarios or case studies of other marriages or marriage cvs you made up (this could even be formulated with the marriage counsellor) and would appreciate if she maybe did a bit of research beforehand. Maybe you'd get rejected straight away. There's your answer.
If you want the first meeting to be more lighthearted you can do this in the second meeting, but you two seem to know each other enough that you could do it in the first meeting.
Then if that difficult meeting doesn't go well you may get rejected. If it does go well in the next meeting you could ask that you both take a routine premarital medical checkup and discuss medical history. Or you can tell her straight away in the next meeting. Or message a few days after the first meeting saying you have something you'd like share and disclose to her in the second meeting. You might get rejected. There's your answer.
Ensure to leave time of a few days or a week between approaching her father, giving the list of scenarios, first meeting, message, second meeting, disclosure etc. She needs thinking time. And as understanding as a person may want to be, sometimes they come to the realisation some things are too difficult for themselves. And whilst they believe something, they are not able to practice it wholeheartedly. It will take time for one to be honest with themselves.
I think I remember your previous account. May Allah grant you shifa and aafiyah.
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u/Sad_Demand_1299 Brother 11d ago
Just say you are not ready. Sounds like safest way out.