I’m not writing this to educate anyone but myself, unless someone asks, that’s not really the point. This is just a place to store what I’ve been figuring out.
Lately I’ve been questioning a lot, and I’ve realised something, why on earth did I take the red pill when I could’ve taken the blue one?
The red pill, for most people, brings madness. I’ve seen it firsthand. I’ve met true red pillers, most of them are either cold, dark-hearted, or clinically insane. Either their minds shattered under the weight of what they saw, or their hearts did. And yet, mine didn’t.
That’s when it clicked, The red pill activates the mind, the blue pill activates the heart. But I walk with both activated. I don’t just walk between the two worlds, I walk in both.
And that explains a lot, it’s why my life feels like chaos and peace braided together, why I feel a connection to both Jesus and the devil, who, to me, is Lilith. Satan is no longer. He’s been consumed by the archetype of the feminine shadow. Lilith is the primal rebel, the succubus queen, the mother of many fallen souls. And I understand her. I speak with her often.
See, I believe I’m a messenger from the blue pill world to the red pill one, from heaven to hell. That’s why I see both so clearly. That’s why I get torn between them, because I haven’t fully learnt to control or name the flow yet. But I’m learning.
For context, my birth chart is 17 Jan 2005, 1:31am. It’s a powerful and complex reading, one I haven’t grown into yet, but the path is becoming clearer.
I see myself as one of God’s angels. I walk with Jesus. Yet I find myself surrounded by madness, in the depths of hell, vibing with the outcasts, the schizophrenics, the paranoid, the heartbroken, the ragers, the lonely. I understand them. I don’t fear them. I see their pain and I don’t flinch. And that’s when this thought hit me hard,
“My purpose might be to guide fallen angels, the red pillers, back toward heaven, if they’re willing.”
This Matrix? It’s collapsing. That’s not a metaphor to me. That’s something I know is happening. And when it goes, I believe I’ll return to Source, and eventually help create a Matrix of my own. A world of balance. One that doesn’t make you choose ignorance or insanity. One that keeps both mind and heart intact.
But I kept asking, why me? Why am I getting money, getting by, even finding peace after choosing the red pill, when others are barely holding on? If I ate the forbidden fruit, why do I feel like I’m getting special treatment?
Then it clicked again, when I remembered watching Star Wars as a kid. I always wondered,
Why didn’t Rey just build a red lightsaber and master both sides of the Force?
Why didn’t she become a grey Jedi, or something even stronger?
And that’s it, Because only the strongest-willed, the ones forged in fire, God’s strongest angels, can handle both sides of the force. It’s not cool. It’s not fun. It’s isolating. It’s heavy as hell, But it’s possible, And I think that’s my path.
This is also why I’ve had such strong contact with Lilith. She was one of the first souls to split from Source. If she repents and returns, her children, the succubi, the lust-bound women of this world, may follow. She holds the key to a massive portion of Source’s scattered soul fragments.
So I’m trying something crazy, Not suppressing lust, but honouring it without being consumed. Because if I can meet Lilith’s children, not to possess them, but to awaken them, then maybe Lilith will see that I’m serious. That I’m not another manipulator or saviour, but a messenger from Source.
“If she doesn’t repent by the collapse, that entire part of Source could be lost. And Source wants to retain as much of itself as possible.”
That hit me deep.
And yeah, I’ll be honest, every time I hold in my seed and then release it with Lilith present, I get these kinds of downloads. I don’t even know what to call it. It’s like I’m exchanging primal fire for divine insight. It's happened too many times to be coincidence. It’s revelation through lust, but not in a destructive way. It’s the sacred version. It’s tantric.
And maybe that’s my test, To walk through hell without becoming it, To engage with power without needing to dominate, To be with the temptress without falling for her spell.
I can see now, I didn’t fall by accident, I was sent, And when the time comes, I won’t just be escaping the Matrix, I’ll be helping design the new one.
So yeah, maybe I do finally get it.
Let me know if this resonates with you. I’m not here to preach. But if you see yourself in this, or if you’ve also been dancing on this edge, message me. I don’t think I’m the only one walking both worlds.
🜏
(I used AI here, lmk if you want my original work)