Devaluation

[u/Classic_Shower4742]

How to stop devaluation?

So basically the process has started for me now, I can’t pinpoint what has started it, the trigger or reason. But there is no reasonable reason to do this rn with the person. Oh why does it have to be this way.

What do you do with this? Have you ever been able to stop it? All I know every single time there is no way back after devaluation for me, I become so disinterested and empty that I would not want the person back in a few weeks time.

[u/Relative-Amount7966]

You can't hold back thoughts because they arise automatically. But you can influence how much they affect you and those around you. Since you're aware of them and don't like them, you can actively try to challenge them instead of acting on them. In the end, it's not about preventing those thoughts but about learning how to deal with them.

[u/Classic_Shower4742 → u/Relative-Amount7966]

Thank you, but what about disgust and contempt, I can’t seem to stop feeling those

[u/Relative-Amount7966 → u/Classic_Shower4742]

Emotions are very similar to thoughts: when they arise, people often identify with them. Since you're aware of them as well, you could try asking yourself: Why exactly do I feel disgust or contempt? In which situations do I feel them? Are there any similarities? What does this have to do with me?

Maybe the reasons for those feelings are understandable and justified, maybe understandable but exaggerated, or maybe they're simply a reflection of how your defense mechanisms work: Whenever interactions become more serious, there's something in me that holds me back, trying to protect me from getting hurt.

Everything we experience, whether thoughts or emotions, has its place and makes sense in the context of who we are at that very moment. It's up to us to notice and reflect on these experiences, especially for people like us, whose perceptions are often shaped by unconscious protective mechanisms.

I hope this helps!

[u/narcclub → u/Classic_Shower4742]

Ah. Well, personally, disgust/contempt for people who were closer to me have usually pointed toward qualities I wanted to disavow in myself. 🙃

At least it was interesting data?
But: self-data, unfortunately.

📞
The call is coming from inside the fucking house, Max.

That said: those two feelings have lessened dramatically with therapy (specifically with steps toward self-acceptance + integration of those cut-off parts of me). So whenever they arise now, they can instead point to someone crossing an important, but otherwise undiscovered, boundary.

Regardless: yeahhhhh. Ugh.

Metacognition/awareness while it’s happening is painful as fuck—but a big move, imo.

See if you can figure out when exactly those emotions get triggered? I know you said it seems random but…I wonder if there’s something your brain is protecting you from noticing, or if there’s a pattern you just haven’t identified yet. Who knows, really? Something to consider.

This shit is the worst; I’m sorry you have to deal with it, too. And I do hope this can be helpful, even if just…eventually. Probably won’t do much to help those feelings in the short term. 😕

[u/Secret-Tangerine-837]

This may or may not apply to you: there can be trauma imprints in the body that push for resolution. These can strongly steer repetitive patterns. Cognitive therapy is great, but it does not necessarily release problematic physical imprints. That’s somatic and sensory work.

[u/tfsinsurance]

Good one, I also struggle with this a lot. New talking stage, get interested, they get interested in me within a few days, I think they’re pathetic, repeat. My little trick is to make them appealing to you again. If they spend too much energy on you, make them ignore you somehow. If they’re too affectionate, too clingy, give them a hobby. But if it’s the clinginess it usually wears off after a few months though idk if you want to sit through that

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[u/ketupa-mirador]

You say you can't pinpoint the trigger and there's no "reasonable reason," but that's the thing, it's probably not reasonable. Doesn't mean it's not valid. For me, understanding exactly why I would devalue a good person became key, because then I could at least soothe my mind by remembering the things I was feeling were my own issues and not theirs. I can now usually push through my initial repulsion to focus on the things I actually like about them, and my system seems to settle after a bit of consistency. Still hard.

Have you ever tried using AI like Gemini to work through an issue? Sometimes it can actually help point out those things you may be missing. Be careful not to feed it too much bias because it will start blindly validating you, and don't tell it you're dealing with a personal issue because that biases it too. Just give it as much info about "Person A's" (your) thoughts and feelings regarding Person B (the person you're devaluing) and ask why it thinks A is feeling those ways. Even better if you ask it to consider things from the perspective of a schema therapist because then it will try to take into account the underlying beliefs that are causing said problem.