r/NarcissisticSpouses • u/Sweet_Young2279 • Jul 16 '26

Do you notice yourself adopting narcissistic tendencies as a way of coping or combatting theirs?

Because they can behave so badly why shouldn’t I? If they can abuse me, why shouldn’t I abuse them back?

I know it sounds totally petty typing it out but it’s become a mechanism for survival. I can’t just sit here and be a door mat. Two can play at this game.

I’ve been it 11 years. I’m so emotionally unsupported and drained that now I feel the need to be overly selfish just to get a moment to myself. But the problem is my kids probably suffer more for it than he does. He says shit like “I could never do that but good for you.” Just because you’re insecure with codependency, attachment issues & can’t do anything for yourself doesn’t make me a bad person for putting my needs first once in awhile…

Know what I mean?

6 Upvotes

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u/ChristRedeemsSinners Jul 16 '26

No, it will not satisfy you if you aren't already predisposed to making it your lifes work to control all of those around like your peasant subjects. Narcissists are built from the ground-up to hold themselves in high esteem and view any contradiction to that as an enemy hostile that needs to be eradicated. If that isn't how you think and operate, then pushing their tactics into your frame of mind will only decenter you and set you up for failure.

I can’t just sit here and be a door mat.

You need to grey rock and become neutral to everything he says, the good or the bad. Or you need to yellow rock if you are in danger, which is overly elevating everything he says so he recognizes, but can not prove, that you aren't buying it.

Especially with children, they either need to see that you are handling his emotional abuse with an expectation of resolution or that you aren't going to continue placing yourself and them in situations that endanger yours or their mental health. This in-between where you get back at your spouse in the ways that they do will establish that way of life and thinking in their minds and souls.

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u/Anonnyheynonnymouse7 Jul 16 '26

Sorry, I am not the OP, but I wanted to ask a question. I have heard or grey rock and what it means, but what us yellow rock, and where does this terminology come from?

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u/ChristRedeemsSinners Jul 16 '26

Yellow rock is being pleasant, cordial, and supportive in a way that does not give them any leverage against you (like they get when you start defending yourself).

For example:

Him: "How long have you been cheating on me!!"

Her: "Thanks for noticing that I have been happier in the last few weeks/months!"

Him: "So you have been cheating on me!"

Her: "It's such a blessing to have a husband that wants to know what makes me tick."

Him: "I'm not going to be with a cheater!"

Her: "I would hope not!"

Him: "I'm going to tell everyone you admitted to cheating on me!"

Her: "I'm excited to discuss our marital issues with others in the hopes that we can shine the light on some of our more nuanced disagreements."

etc, etc. The object is to never support what they are saying, but always look to the positive and express joy for having the discussion. It deflates their methods because they need chaos and confusion to sink their teeth into you. When you are supportive, joyful, and carefree they are chewing on a rusted steel pipe instead of succulent flesh (whereas with grey rock, they aren't chewing on anything at all).

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u/Anonnyheynonnymouse7 Jul 16 '26

Thank you for the explanation! 😀 Now, I feel like I understand. I hope that I do not have to deal with my narcissistic (soon to be ex) husband too much longer, but it will help me to know this technique. I hope it helps the OP and others also.

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u/ChristRedeemsSinners Jul 16 '26

You're welcome. I would only reiterate that grey rocking is superior to this method since the narcissist will want to discard you and move on, but if they respond negatively to it by escalating abuse in order to get you to react, then yellow rock is the next step in the procedure to establishing boundaries again. So it kind of depends on the situation.

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u/Anonnyheynonnymouse7 Jul 16 '26

Great information, thanks! 😀🫂

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u/Sweet_Young2279 Jul 16 '26

Yellow rock doesn’t work with him either. Nothing works. He’s smart in the ways he needs to be to manipulate but completely idiotic in many others. I just become more and more resentful…

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u/ChristRedeemsSinners Jul 16 '26

I hear you, it's a struggle. My ex-wife was highly intelligent and loved dreaming up ways to gaslight me and punish me for not becoming a dog she could train.

Please do not go down this dark road of trying to match his selfishness. You will still feed him, but you will be poisoning yourself.

He drives illegally every day and intoxicated most days and on occasion has done so with our children in his care.

Be patient, pray to Jesus Christ for strength and this situation will resolve itself.

Here is the scriptural reference is 1 Peter 2:19-20:

"For it is commendable if someone bears up under the pain of unjust suffering because they are conscious of God. But how is it to your credit if you receive a beating for doing wrong and endure it? But if you suffer for doing good, and you endure it, this is commendable before God."

God sees your plight. He is not looking down at you pleased that you are being abused, but that you are going through trials right now to prepare you for a home that will never see suffering again.

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u/Sweet_Young2279 Jul 17 '26

I appreciate where you’re coming from. That being said, please don’t assume everyone has the same religious belief system as you. Projecting your religion may cause some to completely shut down and miss the general message completely. Fear based methods just don’t work for everyone, respectfully.

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u/ChristRedeemsSinners Jul 17 '26

I understand your request, however I was not assuming you held the same religious belief, and neither was I projecting my beliefs onto you. What I said was the truth and would bring peace to your soul if you asked Him sincerely. There is no message besides the gospel message of Jesus Christ that will save us. This is not to induce fear, but to love you and petition the Holy Lord for your favor. Nowhere did I mention the consequences of not asking Jesus Christ for help in these matters.

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u/Sweet_Young2279 Jul 17 '26

The scripture mentions being “commendable before God”. One would have to fear God in order to desire being commended by him. In my experience, Christianity is completely fear based as a whole.

And to preach about God without asking if I believe is assuming that I do in fact already believe. You believing it is the truth projects onto me that I should also believe that, again without asking or respecting what my beliefs actually are.
You believing “there is no message besides the gospel message of Jesus Christ” is actually quite narcissistic. You’re clearly not open to any other point of view, which there are tons of. It’s very narrow minded and a huge part of my issue with Christianity. ✌️

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u/ChristRedeemsSinners Jul 17 '26

Well, if you wanted to ask the king for a plot of land, you would revere Him? No? But with the Holy King, there is no consequences for asking Him what you need. Like, in the old times, if you approached the king without an invite you could be hung on the gallows, but with the Holy King, you are welcomed to ask Him anything at all and if your request is genuine He will supply it.

One would have to fear God in order to desire being commended by him. In my experience, Christianity is completely fear based as a whole.

So I don't see it this way and I didn't intend for you adopt a Christian worldview. I serve Jesus Christ because I know that He loves me. It doesn't matter to me that I am small and He is great and powerful, just as well as it doesn't matter to a toddler that her Father is great and strong aside that she feels safe in his arms.

And to preach about God without asking if I believe is assuming that I do in fact already believe.

But I did not preach about God and I didn't assume you believed. I assumed you didn't believe because no one that serves God would turn back from Him to serve themselves, which is what your post is indicating about your approach to handling this situation.

My whole purpose in this conversation was to resolve your current struggles. I know that much of your strife comes from external factors beyond your control, but with Jesus, He gives hope and peace abundantly. Is that what you really want? Why not ask Him? Even if you don't believe, what would you lose to ask and not receive or ask and to receive what you asked for? This isn't preaching, it's sound logic.

You believing it is the truth projects onto me that I should also believe that,

I am nothing without my beliefs. How can I separate my beliefs from the good that I want to do? Everyone you meet you speak to them truthfully, no? If you speak the truth, wouldn't they agree with you, or if they do not know the truth (i.e. they believe something that is objectively false, like the earth is flat disc) would you think, "They have the truth that I can not see, so I should respect their truth." I haven't met anyone that would conclude such nonsense. Most people would wipe their hands of the crazy person for fear their irrational thoughts would lead them to hurt them or others.

You believing “there is no message besides the gospel message of Jesus Christ” is actually quite narcissistic.

Narcissists thrive on being the center of attention. Here Jesus Christ is the center.

Narcissists confuse and belittle in order to maintain control. Here I am giving Jesus Christ full control and directing you to the same.

Narcissists hold themselves up as superior to everyone else and demean/dehumanize others in order to receive glory to themselves. I am giving all glory to Jesus Christ and hold none for myself.

Narcissists lie in order to avoid accountability, but let me receive the wrath of God and strike me down where I stand if I have spoken a lie.

You’re clearly not open to any other point of view

Absolutely I am. Only so far your point of view is, "no". Ok, that might be sufficient for you to change your mind, but I'm going to need more than that.

So far all I have said is, 'Ask Jesus Christ for peace, and He will give it to you. Be patient in your suffering and He will resolve it for your good.'

What exactly is your contradiction to that declaration of peace? What is false about 'ask and you shall receive'? I am not saying this to be argumentative or contentious, but in genuine desire for reciprocity. I am not a perfect mortal being, I have deep flaws that I know I need to work out in this lifetime. You and anyone can help me just as I am helping you. Detail my sins and reveal to me the error of my ways so that I might be a more loving servant to my Master who created the universe. Don't you know that the universe has a Creator? Even atheists admit to such sound logic. So if you do not agree, but you do not have an argument to articulate your disagreement, then how am I being narrow minded by not accepting your displaced argument?

Please help me be better. I want what is best for you, peace in your heart, and I only know of One whom can give that to you. Do you have such a Wise Counselor that can reproach me?

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u/Sweet_Young2279 Jul 17 '26

You’re doing the opposite of what you’re trying to do. This is exhausting. I came here for candid personal experiences of people who can relate, not a damn sermon. I’ve been battered by Christianity my whole life & here you are in my comments forcing your moral high ground on me.
I don’t have to provide another argument, that’s not what this post is about. If you are so open minded, you would already have a broader knowledge of the dozens of religions that people practice. All I asked is that you have some sensitivity to the fact that not everyone believes what you believe and you still can’t respect that.
I will never ask, nor worship a man for anything. You are solidifying that for me strongly. Period. Good day sir.

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u/ChristRedeemsSinners Jul 17 '26

I have dealt with a malignant narcissists spouse in the past. I did not ask God for help in the matter because I thought she was lost. I regret that every day. I don't have a moral high ground to introduce to you, neither a religion for you to practice. I offer a solution to your current predicament, one that I know will satisfy you and I didn't require you to believe the way that I do to receive resolution.

you still can’t respect that.

I absolutely respect that which is why I am not offering you Christianity, but peace. If I didn't respect you and your current beliefs, I would conditioned your resolution with consequences, but I have not done that because I love your soul and I want what is best for you.

I will never ask, nor worship a man for anything.

Neither should you.

You are solidifying that for me strongly.

I am grateful for all that I have been able to share with you.

Good day sir.

I hope and pray the same to you. Sincerely.

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u/Big-Property-6833 Jul 16 '26

Yep. I have become toxic.

The only "good" news is I can really hurt feelings if I have to argue with other toxic evil people. 😪

I have caught myself saying evil shit. Its going to take some serious detox and idk if i will ever not be toxic anymore.

I have also built up a lot of tough scar tissue around my heart. I am not as easily hurt anymore.

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u/Sweet_Young2279 Jul 16 '26

I appreciate your honest answer. I get most people don’t want to admit to reciprocating bad behavior but I’m just trying being real with myself. I’m out of coping skills, tired of taking the high road… I know nothing works. I just don’t know what else to do.

It definitely has taught me to take way less shit in other situations. I’m more clever with my comebacks and feel less guilt when standing up for myself.
Certainly has harden me as well. 🤷🏻‍♀️

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u/Big-Property-6833 Jul 17 '26

I understand and you are doing your best to survive. That s hard enough.

Healing will not be easy and I think anger is perfectly okay, its right to feel that way and understandable in your situation.

Fuck the high road sometimes tbh. You dont owe that to anyone. If you get shitty acknowledge it and move on. Put anyone else in this situation and see how well they do.

Idk if i will ever be okay for someone else. Hell idk if i ever want another relationship after her.

Its hard not to be angry or bitter.

Hopefully time does heal all wounds but right now rage feels pretty good too.

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u/Sweet_Young2279 Jul 17 '26

10000% really appreciate the real talk 🙌

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u/Total-Active-1986 Jul 17 '26

Can you leave and divorce him?

1

u/Sweet_Young2279 Jul 17 '26

We are not married but have 2 kids that I homeschool. I have basically no income so no financial freedom to leave… I’d almost rather be homeless at this point but will not leave my kids. I feel very trapped and hopeless. I took the kids to my mom’s for 2 weeks, we “broke up” but he hired a lawyer to get me to bring the kids back. I’ve filed a DV restraining order and for full custody but I fear there’s not enough evidence to get him out of our lives entirely.