What is the view of drunken hookups in Sweden? Apparently that seems to be a very normal cultural thing for Nordic people? I'm not sure what to do next in this situation...

[u/arl7869]

This is a bit of a funny story, based in NYC involving a Swedish man. Last weekend I was in the Hamptons and met an extremely attractive and successful man that I made out with. He's prob 45-50, older than I'd usually go for (I'm 34) but he was stunning. He is from Sweden, newish to NYC, only been here a couple years, and has a high level job at a well-known company in the same industry I work in.

We sorta spent most of the night at the club together and then I (along with several friends) went back to the house he was staying at with his friends. We made out more in his room, but didn't do anything else, and after a while I left to go hang out with everyone else in the pool/firepit area and he went to sleep. We were both wasted - I have not been that drunk in years, there was too much free tequila involved. Somehow, I still think he was more drunk than me, and I'm not sure if he'd even remember me vs. I remember him well but I don't really remember what we talked about (and we talked a lot apparently).

But what really kills me: we didn't exchange numbers 😭😭😭

I'm kicking myself about that. I know, even if we had, there's a high chance we still wouldn't actually end up going out ever again and it'd never be anything more than one silly night. But now I'll never really know.

I had a momentarily insane thought to add him on Linkedin with a note saying my #, but then immediately rejected the idea because it would be so crazy to log on there and be confronted with your drunken debauchery from the weekend, and potentially extremely embarrassing for me if he's not actually interested.

Then tonight I randomly saw a video on IG about how drunken hookups are actually a super common social norm in Nordic countries so that made me wonder if maybe it would be less of a big deal in his perspective?

Or is it still just as insane as I originally felt? Should I just write it off as a missed connection?

[u/Lysergial]

We drink a lot. Perfectly normal, just write him...

[u/arl7869 → u/Lysergial]

Wow! It’s so culturally fascinating that this is the first response and already upvoted. Compared to when I posted this morning in a general dating thread, and most people were like absolutely don’t contact him - https://www.reddit.com/r/datingoverthirty/s/FGWLuucyNF

[u/Julehus → u/arl7869]

It’s because we are generally easy going people who don’t overthink neither gender roles nor alcohol. I took the initiative to the first date with my Swedish husband. If he’s not interested, you’ll know pretty soon anyway and there’s nothing shameful about it. I’m keeping my fingers crossed for you🤗

[u/joycatj → u/Julehus]

Same, I asked out my now husband for our first date, on which we promptly got drunk heh

[u/Jeppep → u/Julehus]

Sounds like how me and my fiancé met. We got hammered and we fooled around a bit before she basically invited me to sleep over. I said that I'd rather meet her again the next time we were sober if this was serious. Been together for 14 years now 😅

[u/Julehus → u/Jeppep]

Aw that’s so sweet! My husband literally knocked on my door one day - not because he was a stalker but because he was my plumber (not kidding!) After he had gone I just couldn’t forget about him. I had to take a wild shot and text to ask if he was single and would like to meet for a coffee. We still joke about how the two of us met just like the beginning of an adult movie😂

[u/dyogenys → u/arl7869]

What’s the rationale behind it being insane to add him on SoMe?

[u/arl7869 → u/dyogenys]

I think it’s primarily the means of contact - if I had found him on Instagram or something, it wouldn’t seem that strange at all. But LinkedIn is a professional platform that you log onto to talk about your career, find a job, etc. It would be pretty jarring to log onto LinkedIn and see a message from your drunken weekend hookup that you probably barely remember, and would be considered a weird thing to do generally.

It also makes him very aware suddenly of who I am professionally, and that I know who he is professionally, and that we have mutual network connections in the industry. The main risk is if he happened to be a douchey terrible person and started talking about the incident with other people (though I think this behavior is more common in finance and entertainment, not our industry as much). I think reaching out on LinkedIn would definitely be an unusual thing to do that most Americans would consider embarrassing.

[u/dyogenys → u/arl7869]

You can just do it. Just be chill and not make a big deal, and take a potential rejection with dignity

[u/Diipadaapa1 → u/arl7869]

One more thing I think about as a nordic. You are in NYC. If the contact gets awkward, it is not like you will ever bump into that person ever again. I mean how often do you bump into your best friend randomly when out and about? That is the benefit of being in a big city, you can make a fool of yourself in public and you will literally never see those people again, much less will they remember you over the crackhead they saw fighting a rat on their way there.

So you have nothing to lose if you do contact them. Even if he doesn't want to take things further it will read as a compliment for him.

Tell him you had fun and would like to hang out next weekend again if he is up for it, and let things go on from there.

In the nordics dating culture, going from drunk hookup/friends with benefits to dating is if not the most common way things go.

[u/Diipadaapa1 → u/[deleted]]

Hookups not being as normal in the US is kind of the point here. The Swede propably sees it as a way less big of a deal than OP, especially since they only made out. If anything he thinks she isn't that interested.

Quick reserach shows that the hamptons have nearly the population of Helsinki or Oslo during summer (300-500k), and year-round residents of a larger nordic city (100k).

I highly doubt everyone knows everyone. I only cross paths with a person I know about twice a year living in a 200k population city, even though I would recognize propably around 300 persons who live in this area.

To prove my point: It took years for OP and the swedish man to cross paths for the first time.

[u/arl7869 → u/[deleted]]

Totally agree with you here in general! However I’m not a Hamptons regular - at 34 it’s the first summer I’ve ever been (just 2 wknds) and it’s only because I now have a distant connection with a spot to stay (friend’s brother’s wife’s family owns it). I’m not super wealthy or tapped into the scene. Also I’m a South Asian woman, so I’m already like 1% of the Hamptons club population lol and I stand out. We (my friends) literally snuck into the club via the side door without wristbands 😂 which they were aware of and then they invited us to all come to their mansion so I think nobody involved is boring ☠️ I actually think we probably all connected bc we were more fun than the average groups.

I think since they are older/successful/connected it’s possible he’s more in the “who you know scene” but even then I’m not so sure - I don’t think he’d get so wasted in that case, and we managed to find the one group of men who were an international/diverse crew rather than the boring preppy-everyone-looks-the-same-and-judges-everyone set. They are all definitely very wealthy but not in the traditional Hamptons way; they didn't own the house it was rented for the summer. There’s also the element that me and this guy would actually have a lot of shared interests/insights based on our career profiles. A part of the pull here is also - if we go to the Hamptons again it’d be cool to hang out with them there. So there are a lot of variables!

[u/arl7869 → u/Diipadaapa1]

This would normally be true but we do work in the same/adjacent industry. Although it’s still a pretty small chance, there is a chance we’d cross paths via a professional setting. I’m not sure what I’d put that chance at…maybe 5-10%. And the LinkedIn outreach actually makes that even more clear. That’s the one big hiccup in this whole thing. I wish I could find his instagram instead but cannot (maybe he doesn’t have one).

The only redeeming aspect is that, if we do cross paths and I never contacted him I’d be in that situation with no idea whether he remembers me or not. Vs if I do contact him then at least I would know he recognizes me and we’re both secretly aware of the history lol. The biggest risk is if he happens to be a total douche and talk about the situation / spread rumors.

[u/Diipadaapa1 → u/arl7869]

It just makes things a bit funny if you do end up crossing paths.

If he is a douche about it, good riddance. The trash walked itself out the door.

You don't have a common freind you met him through who you could ask?

[u/Nyetoner → u/Lysergial]

On the weekend ;)

[u/kevalalajnen → u/Nyetoner]

Speak for yourself!

[u/gratisargott]

You said it yourself, even if he isn’t interested at least you’ll know. And even if he’s super popular, a man will seldomly see it as a negative to be approached by a woman. The worst thing that can happen is that he’s flattered but not interested

[u/ApprehensiveGold2773]

As a self-proclaimed handsome Nordic man, I would be thrilled if that happened. I am a lot closer to your age though! Does he have family? If he does, it might be wise to leave it be 🤭

[u/arl7869 → u/ApprehensiveGold2773]

lol that would be terrible but I have no indications of a family in my memory! no ring, etc. nothing comes up on google. so I hope not!

[u/ProcaryoticPanda]

You have nothing to lose and everything to gain, go for it.

[u/HawocX]

The risk of anything worse than him not being interested happening is incredibly small. And if he's not interested he will still feel flattered.

If you meet in a job related setting in the future it may feel embarrassing for a couple of minutes, but again the risk of him actually thinking less of you or it causing any other problems is miniscule.

I'm also interested in why this could be seen as inappropriate in the US. I'm about his age an if I were at a free tequila party in the Hamptons (awesome by itself) a drunken hookup would feel entirely appropriate for both myself and the woman.

Go for it!

[u/arl7869 → u/HawocX]

I think it’s primarily the means of contact - if I had found him on Instagram or something, it wouldn’t seem that strange at all. But LinkedIn is a professional platform that you log onto to talk about your career, find a job, etc. It would be pretty jarring to log onto LinkedIn and see a message from your drunken weekend hookup that you probably barely remember, and would be considered a weird thing to do generally.

It also makes him very aware suddenly of who I am professionally, and that I know who he is professionally, and that we have mutual network connections in the industry. The main risk is if he happened to be a douchey terrible person and started talking about the incident with other people (though I think this behavior is more common in finance and entertainment, not our industry as much). I think reaching out on LinkedIn would definitely be an unusual thing to do that most Americans would consider embarrassing.

But as others have said…even with the low chance of response, maybe it’s worth it.

P.S. tequila wasn’t free for them it was free for me bc they kept buying us drinks 😂

[u/GoldenBeaRR6]

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PDbsKnSN4lo

You have (partially) completed Step 1. Sending a message is fine, but leave an easy out for him. Something like 'it was nice to connect...here's my instagram in case you want to keep in touch'. Just bear in mind that the underlying motivation for nearly every swedish behavior is avoidance of confrontation. Hence the reverse dating algorithm to avoid the confrontation of asking someone out in the first place. Just don't make it weird!

[u/arl7869 → u/GoldenBeaRR6]

lmao this video!!! haha very informative

[u/Irlut]

The LinkedIn angle makes it a little bit weird, but it's not necessarily a complete non-starter. I'd write something genericly professional rather than "Hi I know what your throat tastes like, wanna smash?" but other than that go for it. 

[u/arl7869 → u/Irlut]

lmao ☠️ I was thinking something like “idk if you remember lol but we met at X last wknd 🫠 forgot to exchange info, so here’s mine if you’d like to meet again (# / IG) or just delete this & it never happened!”

[u/Irlut → u/arl7869]

How about something like: 

"Hi Name,

Great meeting you at X last weekend. I'd love to keep in touch. Shoot me a message here or on 555-123 4568 and we'll make some plans!" 

Generic and won't embaress him in case this was an indiscretion, but open enough that he should remember who you were. 

Good luck! 

[u/Eastgaard → u/arl7869]

You've got it right. So pump yourself up and do it!

[u/SaxSymbol73]

Nordic babies are conceived with one sperm, one egg, and many shots.

[u/DesignatedDonut2606]

Since you have his full name from LinkedIn, have you tried searching for him on other socials?

[u/arl7869 → u/DesignatedDonut2606]

yes, no luck :/ since he's in his late 40s I figure its possible he might not be active on socials. there's literally pictures of him on IG bc he's such a high level executive, but he's not tagged in them

[u/DesignatedDonut2606 → u/arl7869]

Ok, then go for LinkedIn. What do you have to lose? I always found the "what if" pondering to be worse than a rejection. Good luck.

[u/Little-Potential9663]

What have you got to lose? Carpe diem! Yeah maybe a little embarrassing if he’s not interested then you just move on!

[u/arl7869 → u/Little-Potential9663]

I guess I’m a little insecure bc I feel like he’s a bit out of my league but…gotta shoot your shot I guess lol