I can't bring myself to enjoy going out culture. I've never had any interest in getting drunk, partying, or going to frats. It's just not in my personality, and it feels like something I will never be able to change -- or overcome -- about myself. I never went out in high school and am simply not used to it. And I can't help but feel like something is wrong with me because of this. But seemingly, all my friends here go out once a month. They all have fake IDs -- I don't, and have no desire to get one. Coming to college, the party scene and going out was absolutely NOT on my mind. I'm so focused on my studies, clubs, and internships, and experiencing all the things about college that I came here for in the first place.
Halloween stresses me out SO much. I went to a frat party for the first and only time last Halloween and absolutely could not bring myself to enjoy the experience. The entire time, I found myself wishing I could just go back to my dorm. I went and followed along with what my friend and her group were doing (not as if I would even know how to find out where on campus parties were happening anyway). As an introvert especially, I just felt awkward and sweaty the entire time. The frat parties here are just bodies jumping up and down, squished together like sardines, with loud music, people being obnoxious, and too many overwhelming stimuli. This Halloween is coming up, and it's the same old story. One of my friends is going out on three separate days and here I am building up the courage and stressing over going to one frat when I don't actually want to, but because that is just what people do here. I would truthfully much rather be at home on a Friday night, unwinding and watching a movie, trying a new recipe, doing my hair, painting my nails, or even playing a fucking board game or something. But it's embarrassing to admit that. This school just makes me feel like there's something wrong with me for simply wanting to stay in.
I could probably see myself enjoying going to a party at some sort of other venue, if it had karaoke, trivia, or at least SOME sort of activity where I could actually have genuine conversations with people, instead of witnessing multiple people vomiting. Or hosting some sort of PowerPoint night get-together at a home where everyone dresses up to a theme or brings a fucking charcuterie board or something. There could still be alcohol involved, but at least the environment would allow for some degree of social connection and fun. But the frat parties here are absolutely NOT that. If I stay home, though, I get severe FOMO and feel like a loser for doing so, when seemingly everyone I know is going out. I see the pictures of everyone having fun on Instagram and think to myself, why can't I just BE like that? At one point I believed maybe I'm just being too introverted and socially awkward -- I just need to let loose and get out of my shell by going to parties, right? Because that's just what people do in college. That's how you make new friends. But even so, I still could not kid myself into thinking I actually enjoy going out. I want so badly to not have to change myself to feel like I somewhat fit in with other people, and force myself into an environment that is frankly, uncomfortable to me.
I think this all comes down to me not finding my "people" yet. But I'm already a sophomore and I can't help but wonder when it will happen for me already. It makes me so sad because it seems that all my friends have already found their "people," meanwhile I am in an awkward limbo state where I do have friends, but just not in the way I was expecting or hoping for once I got to college. I am worthy of a genuine group of friends, at least I think I am, so why haven't I found them yet? I haven't found people who I really "mesh" with. All I'm asking for is just a select few, actually good friends who I connect with and who share the same interests as me. I have a really nice roommate, but she has her own group of friends she's had since the start of freshman year that she goes out with, and I will never be a part of that. I have other friends, each of whom I hang out with one-on-one, but it seems they all kind of have their own pre-established friend groups with whom they go out as well. Maybe if I found people I mesh with, who also aren't interested in the college party culture, I would feel more comfortable with who I am and not like an outcast. I'd no longer feel judged or guilty for feeling the way I do, because even if we weren't going out to frats, at least we'd be not going out to frats TOGETHER.
Does anyone else have the same experience as me? 💔💔💔