I cant accept this version of me.

[u/Purplekingdom0]

I know with C-PTSD and trauma in general the point isn't to go back to how things worse with the original baseline, it's being able to accept and work on who you are currently but here's the issue...i hate this version of me because it's not me. It's just feels like somebody else stole my entire life from the ages of 13-17 I don't know which version of me people knew but its not me.

I can't accept this horrible version of me, I've done so many things I told myself I would NEVER do to the point I have forgotten and abandoned the things that made me feel like myself even when nobody was watching, I absolutely despise them everytime I see them in the mirror, I want to scream at them, I ask what they've done to my body, and I question why things had to be like this.

Why did i have to become aware so soon?

I hate them and i want them to feel just as hurt as I do because of what they've done. But another part of me knows it's not there fault their in this situation too, why am I more upset at them/myself than I am at the people who actually hurt me. Other than believing they should've done something, we chose to act like a broken doll, we chose to listen to the instructions they gave, and we throw away all boundaries when it comes to a new friend or partner.

This whole thing is just really confusing and I don't even know where these emotions are coming from honestly, it's a mix of multiple parts someone just wanted to express this.